by Angela Peach
“Han? You okay babe?” Ju asked, rushing into the lounge where I was peering through the curtains.
“Yeah. She’s been out there for an hour now. What did she say to you?”
“Oh, to tell you that she’s sorry, to ‘tell’ you to go home so you can both sort this out. That you’re being silly.”
I smiled at the intense sarcasm dripping from my friends tongue.
“And what did you tell her?”
Ju put her hand on her hip defiantly, her eyes wide.
“I said to her ‘Do you know what I’m gonna do, Melanie? I’m gonna tell you to eat my fuck.’ She didn’t like that.”
Now I burst out laughing.
“You told her to what?”
“To eat my fuck. It was the first thing that came out of my mouth, but it sounded offensive enough and I think she got the gist of what I meant.”
“What does it even mean?”
Ju shrugged dismissively and opened up the fridge, peering in at the contents.
“No idea. So I’m cooking beef in mint tonight. It sounds a bit weird, but it’s lush and I’m going to insist you eat some cos I know you haven’t eaten since Saturday, and…”
“She’s right, Ju,” I interrupted quietly. “I do have to go back at some point to sort things out. And I think I’d rather do it sooner than later.”
Ju’s mouth dropped open and she froze with a bar of chocolate halfway to it.
“You have got to be kidding me?”
“Calm down, I just mean that I need to actually break up with her, sort through our belongings and stuff. I can’t just leave it hanging in the air like this.” It was something I’d spent the last couple of days thinking about and in every scenario I’d imagined, it had ended in tears and screams. There wasn’t going to be an easy way to handle this, but I’d made up my mind and there was no way I was getting swayed by tantrums and promises this time. I picked up my phone and quickly typed a message to her.
I’LL BE HOME IN AN HOUR TO TALK.
I looked out of the window again and watched Mel, still outside, as she received the message and typed one back. A minute later my phone buzzed.
IM SO SORY BABY I RELLY AM CU SOON XXX
I rolled my eyes at her lack of punctuation. She was actually quite smart but omitted it out of laziness.
I filled Ju in, saying I’d definitely be back sometime tonight, promised not to fall for any of her sly tricks, that I’d stand strong and firm and not back down, and that yes, I’d love some dinner kept back for me.
Then I sat on Ju’s sofa gnawing away at my lips as I psyched myself up, watching the clock tick down. When I felt like I was as ready as I was ever going to be, I cleared my mind and left the flat decisively. The drive home seemed to pass in seconds, although I felt like I’d entered into a kind of robotic state.
The place was immaculate when I walked in. Not one piece of photo-confetti was in view, and it looked like Mel had done a massive spring clean. If she expected me to be impressed, she was going to be very disappointed. I put my hands over my stomach to try and curb the extreme nausea that was churning around, but I just felt dizzy with the anticipation of what was sure to happen.
“Hanna! You’re early. Do you want a glass of wine?” Mel gushed, coming out of the kitchen with a bottle of red in one hand and a glass in the other. She was nervous, but there was also an air of confidence around her. She thought I’d come home, that we were just going to discuss the photo incident, and then carry on as normal. This annoyed me and made me stronger and more resolute.
“Well I thought we should get this sorted so we can both move on with our lives,” I said, sitting on the sofa. “And no, I don’t want any wine.”
“Shall I order a Chinese takeaway? I’m guessing you haven’t eaten, and…”
“Mel, stop. We can’t carry on like this. We’re both miserable and…I think it’s for the best if we call it a day and admit it’s over.”
Seven hours later, I quietly opened the door to Ju’s flat, not wanting to wake her. But she must have been napping on the sofa because she suddenly appeared looking extremely worried.
“What the bloody hell Hanna-banana? I’ve been worried sick and your phone just kept going to voicemail,” she said, rushing over to hug me.
“The battery died ages ago. Sorry.”
“Well? How’d it go?”
“Oh just fine. She took it super well and we spent the last few hours sorting out our bills and belongings while reminiscing about old times.”
“Seriously?”
I gave her a withering look.
“Of course not. She screamed, she cried, she threatened all sorts. Then she refused to let me leave for a long time…” I held up my wrists and showed her the bruising on them. “Had me pinned against the wall and held my wrists behind my back because she thought I wasn’t listening to her point. So I let her say her point until she released me, then I told her I was still going.”
“What a psycho!”
“She was just upset. But look, it’s done now. I told her she can keep the flat if she wants and I’m gonna look for somewhere else to live.”
“Aw honey, you know you’ve done the right thing. This is the start of your new life, you’re free now.”
I walked over to the wall socket where my phone charger was and plugged it in. I was absolutely exhausted and just wanted to close my eyes and get today behind me.
“I know. Look, can we talk about this tomorrow? I’m gonna try and get some sleep so I’m not a complete zombie at work. If I miss any more days, I’ll be skint and doomed to live on your sofa forever,” I mumbled, yawning deeply.
“You know you can stay as long as you like darling. I know I keep saying it, but I’m really proud of you.”
Her words did nothing to ease the tension I was feeling despite my exhaustion, but I smiled gratefully anyway and virtually collapsed on the sofa, getting under the pre-warmed duvet. Ju turned the light off on her way out and I closed my eyes.
However, I just couldn’t drift off and found myself tossing and turning restlessly, fighting the strange urge I had to call Mel and check she was alright. I put it down to years of conditioning, knowing that if I didn’t, I’d usually be in for some sort of sulking for a few days because it was obvious I didn’t care etc. But I was a free woman now, as was she. And of course she was okay – hell, she’d been on full form screaming and cursing as I’d shut the door on her.
Screaming and cursing and threatening…
I sat up suddenly, remembering some of her last words. About how she couldn’t live without me, promised I’d be sorry if I walked out, that she wasn’t bluffing, she’d do it…
An icy hand snuck into my stomach and squeezed as I stepped quickly across the room to where my phone was charging, but still switched off. I already had an idea of what was going to happen when I turned it on, but needed to be certain before I raised any alarms. My fingers shook as I pressed the ‘on’ button, and the wait seemed to go on for far longer than normal, but then the phone went crazy for a minute or two as texts and voicemails and internet alerts flooded through. I read a few messages and listened to a couple of voicemails, but then I was running into Ju’s room and shaking her awake.
It wasn’t so much what she was telling me she was doing, normally a big bluff on her part, but the feeling in my soul that there was a dire need to move fast. I didn’t trust Mel as far as I could throw her, but I always trusted my gut instinct.
I drove like a maniac through the dark streets, scared at how silent my phone now was. Ju suggested calling the paramedics to let them deal with her, but I reasoned we’d be there before them anyway and that we could assess things before making that decision.
(I still don’t know why I didn’t call the paramedics sooner. I suppose I didn’t want to make it real?)
I knew this wasn’t about Mel wanting to die. It was about her genuinely expecting me to come to her rescue so I could realise what I stood to lose.
&n
bsp; We got to the flats nearly two hours after I’d left, and raced inside. I sent Ju to check the kitchen and lounge while I searched the bathroom – I knew that was where she would be and I wanted to see what the situation was before my friend did.
The flat felt different. It looked the same as when I’d left, but it had kind of an empty feeling, like someone had removed all the furniture. I could barely breathe as I opened the bathroom door, forcing my stiff legs to step inside…
There was almost a serenity in the scene before me. Mel in the bath, red hair fanning out dramatically, her eyes closed, head slumped to one side with her lips parted. She might have been relaxing in the water just like any other bath-time, except the bath water was a nasty deep shade of blood and her skin was an even nastier shade of white.
“JU! Call an ambulance now!” I shouted, practically falling across the floor to get to her and landing painfully on my knees. I didn’t know what to do! As I plunged my hands into the bloody water I heard Ju cursing behind me before talking animatedly to the operator on the phone. The water was freezing and I briefly wondered if she’d run a cold bath to start with or whether it had just got really cold, really quick. But then I found her arm and lifted it out of the water, trailing a spray of red beneath it. I recoiled and dropped it back in, getting splashed as it hit the surface and, unable to tell if it was fresh blood or just the dyed water, I instantly felt myself start to gag. I wasn’t very good with blood and wounds, something Mel knew very well. It felt like she’d done things this way on purpose, to punish me for leaving her.
“Ju? I don’t know what to do?” I cried helplessly, but when she replied I couldn’t hear what she was saying. My ears were ringing loudly and I was so light-headed, I was on the verge of passing out. I caught the words ‘check her pulse’ and swallowed down a mouthful of bile, knowing I needed to pull myself together. Yes, I could check her neck pulse. That was easy – I didn’t need to put my hands back in the water for that.
I leaned forward and put my fingers against her neck, ignoring how cold it was, and started searching for her artery. Unable to find it I used both hands, one on each side. It was then that I felt something happen - not her pulse, but a weird faint thrumming vibration under my fingertips. I felt more distant and light-headed, as if I was having an out of body experience or something, and this was reinforced by how Mel’s body was shimmering before me. It was like I was seeing it through a heat haze. I blinked slowly, frowning as the shimmer changed until it looked like a strong vibration and then it paused. I was aware in the background of Ju shouting something at me, but I could only hear the ringing in my ears.
As I was about to move away, her pores started to look like her very life essence was bleeding out of them, a dim energy field growing around the top of her body like an ethereal cloud. I was mesmerised, and vaguely aware of what it was that I was witnessing, but completely paralysed at the same time. All of a sudden, my senses returned with a surprising whoosh.
“Hanna, they’ll be here in a couple of minutes, but they said to try CPR…”
“It’s too late.”
“No, they said…”
“Ju. She’s gone.”
Technically this wasn’t true. She was still very much here, a strange blob of energy hovering uncertainly above her own body, all that was left of my girlfriend.
Silence spun a little spell around us as we all processed what had just happened in our own ways.
When the ambulance arrived, I span around and just about made it to the toilet before the meagre contents in my stomach were ejected violently.
PRESENT DAY
I paused, chewing my lip as I remembered that awful moment and Sophie reached across the table to take my hand.
“I’m so sorry. I can’t even begin to imagine how that must have felt,” she said softly. I nodded, feeling waves of comfort and compassion from her as she stroked my hand soothingly. I was building up to the ‘strange’ part of the story but I kind of already knew she was going to believe me. Taking a deep breath, I continued.
“The ambulance turned up and gave their best efforts at reviving her, but even they knew they were too late. She was already dead when they got there, still floating around the bathroom in that strange cloud that only I could see.
“It was a couple of days before she ventured out of the bathroom, which I was super glad about cos I’d avoided going in there. She started moving from room to room in the flat, and all I could feel from her was this sense of utter confusion. She was lost and didn’t know what was going on, what she was supposed to do. I tried to talk to her, telling her to look for the light etc, all the cheesy stuff you find in films.
“After a few weeks the cloud started to clear and change shape, and she began to resemble how she’d looked in life. It was so strange going into the kitchen and seeing her kinda floating near the window.” I chuckled, remembering how many times I’d actually cried out from ‘bumping’ into her, or walking straight through her.
“Oh wow, so when you say she’s still there, you mean she’s like actually there watching you?” Sophie’s eyes widened in surprise, and I smiled.
“We talk as well. In much the same way that my vision kind of altered to view her, my ears started tuning in to her as well. Um, it’s similar to trying to tune in a radio. You know, when you can hear a vague noise in the static and you turn the nob gently one way, then the other…well I could hear a kind of static noise around the flat when she was near. It took longer for me to tune in to her voice than it did to be able to see her for some reason, but two months after her death we were in the kitchen and I just heard her clearly. She was saying something random about one of our neighbours looking like he’d just rolled through a bush backwards and was he actually going to work like that?” I smiled. “We were both so excited about making contact I guess we forgot how much we hated each other! Although our first couple of conversations were full of friction because she refused to answer any questions about the other side, saying she didn’t know to everything. I thought she was just being deliberately obtuse and got a bit frustrated with her. But after that she actually broke down emotionally in front of me, begging for me to find a way to bring her back. I spent hours on the internet, days even, but there was nothing about helping souls return back to solid form. Mel was just stuck, unable to leave the flat for some reason, and we didn’t know why or how to get her to move on.”
I fidgeted with my mug, swilling the leftover around the bottom as I debated drinking it.
“So what you’re saying, and correct me if I’m wrong, is that you’ve both been carrying on as normal, in a weird ‘my girlfriend is a ghost’ kind of way?” Sophie said, raising her eyebrows as if she was amused.
“Um…yeah. I guess. I mean we obviously don’t have any kind of physical contact.”
“Does this mean I’m the ‘other woman?’ Are you cheating on her with me?”
“No! I mean, it’s complicated but it’s not like I still see her as my actual girlfriend. We just still kind of act like we are.”
“Hanna, you realise how fucking crazy this all seems, right? I…I don’t even know what to say.”
I held her eyes with mine.
“Just as long as you say you believe me?”
“Yes, I believe you. I don’t know why, but I do,” she answered without hesitation. “Do you want to, y’know, keep her around or are you ready for her to move on?”
“Oh man, if I’m totally honest, it was actually quite nice having her around for the last year, but I am definitely ready for her to move on,” I admitted, feeling bad for saying it.
“Hey, it’s okay, it’s completely understandable. You felt guilty for not saving her, so when she stayed, it kind of absolved you of that guilt in a way, right?”
I nodded, feeling even worse for being so transparent.
“But I think we’ve just both got used to each other. She stopped looking for ways out, I was comfortable with her company…and now here we are.”
<
br /> The rain started hitting the window with such force that we both stopped talking to watch it. It didn’t seem to show signs of easing up and I knew I was going to end up with an extremely wet dog later.
“Hanna, I really like you.”
I smiled, feeling warmth flood my entire body, both from her comment and from the emotions flooding across the table from her.
“I really like you too.”
“I feel things when I’m with you. Things I’ve never felt with anyone before. And I’m not just talking about in here,” she touched her hand to her chest. “I’m talking about physically as well. It’s like you’re constantly charged with electricity or something.”
I nodded and held both hands across to her. The moment her hands made gentle contact with mine, I saw the sparks erupt.
“I think it’s us. I think our energies just…get excited when they’re close to each other.” This was the understatement of the year! Sophie smiled softly.
“Yeah. That’s exactly how it feels. Tell me what it looks like?”
I was taken aback, wondering if she meant what I thought she meant.
“What? Do you mean…”
“I’m not blind Hanna. Whenever we hold hands you watch them like there’s a firework display going off or something.”
“Well, that’s actually pretty close to what it looks like,” I admitted, glancing down at our sparkly hands.
“Can you teach me? So I can see it as well?” Sophie asked hopefully.
“Sure. But not tonight cos I’ve got to get back for Danny.” I hesitated, catching her brown eyes with mine. “Sophie?”
“Yes?”
“Thank you. For being so understanding and stuff. I needed to be honest with you because of how much I like you, and I want to see you so badly it hurts. But this isn’t going to be as simple as me just breaking up with an ex. It’s going to be weird and complicated and…I just hope you’ll still be around when it’s all over.”
