by Angela Peach
When her gentle eyes turned to me, I stuttered.
“I don’t know…I guess I just…hold on, what exactly did Ju say?”
Just as she opened her mouth to answer, Freddie opened the kitchen door and shouted goodbye to us both. We waved bye back, then waited until the door had closed, signalling that we were alone. Sophie sighed, obviously finding it difficult to put into words, thus making it pretty clear exactly what Ju had told her.
“She said that you don’t like to talk about ‘it.’ Like ever. But I knew I should have just trusted you, but you know, with the booze and everything I just flew off the handle instead of just…I didn’t give you a chance to explain, and I totally overreacted. I’m not normally so anal, but…well, I really like you and you seemed too good to be true and…can we just start over again? Please?” Her sentences fell out in a breathless jumble, and I got the impression she’d probably rehearsed this a lot more smoothly in her head a good few times before coming here. She shook her head and sighed again, putting her face into her hands. I reached across the table and took one of hers in mine, giving a reassuring squeeze.
“It’s okay. Just tell me exactly what Ju told you,” I said gently. She paused, a little reluctant to talk about something she knew I never liked to discuss. Like ever.
“She said your ex, Mel, she said that she er…that she died in your flat. And that you blame yourself for it. Is it true?”
I wanted to stand up and walk away from her eyes, carefully watching me as I struggled to process this and how to deal with it, but I settled for looking out at the rain instead. I kept my gaze on nothing in particular as I came to a hard decision and started psyching myself up for going through with it.
“Han, she also said that your flat might be…well a little bit haunted. Is that why you were weird the other night about walking back together? Because you think she’s still there?”
I smiled sadly and turned back to look at her. This girl who had come into my life, with her perfect mouth, her perfect eyes, her perfect everything. Perhaps also with perfect timing?
“No, Sophie. Because I know she’s still there,” I whispered. Her reaction to this was going to be very important. I’d never divulged this information to anyone before, and didn’t plan to again. She watched me, just as carefully, chewing slightly on her lip.
“Have you tried talking to her? Sometimes spirits get confused, lost. Maybe if you told her to move on to the light or whatever…I don’t know how it works,” she offered and I almost cried in relief that she hadn’t laughed.
“Oh god, I talk to her all the time. But she’s kinda happy just hanging around.” I lowered my head to the table, building myself up for what I was about to do.
“Hanna?”
I took a deep breath and sat up, taking a gulp of hot chocolate for dutch courage.
“Let me tell you exactly what happened…”
CHAPTER 11
A LITTLE OVER A YEAR AGO
“I’m serious Hanna, don’t push me,” Mel warned, a dangerous smile on her lips.
“No Mel, I’m serious. I’ve had enough of all this shit. I’m packing my bag, then I’m outta here.” Even as I said it, I knew it wasn’t going to happen. I’d walked out in the middle of an argument a few months back and she’d locked me out of the flat for nearly a week to give me time to calm down and apologise. Which, of course, I had done. “Why is it so hard for you to admit you’re wrong? Would it hurt you to just say ‘Jeez, Han, you’re right. I’m sorry, I got it totally wrong?’ Just say it and I’ll stay.”
“I’m not gonna say it cos it’s not true. You are wrong and you know it.”
I shook my head, dumb-founded and completely infuriated at her stubbornness. She made me want to scream because I knew she knew she was wrong, as was always the case.
The argument raged back and forth for another couple of hours, ending only when, satisfied she was the clear victor, Mel went to bed. It was three in the morning and even though I was emotionally and physically drained, I knew I wouldn’t be able to just fall asleep. I went to the bathroom and cried into a towel for a while, waiting until I was sure she’d be out for the count before sneaking back into the bedroom, curling up on my side as far away from her as possible.
I was totally exhausted and unsure how much more I could take. Neither of us was happy, but we used up all our energy fighting with each other – there was none left to walk away.
Just as I felt myself dropping off, Mel started snoring loudly. I sighed, feeling the tears well up again as the countdown to my alarm going off in less than four hours ticked slowly away.
“Fucking hell mate, you look like shit!”
“Well thanks Ju. I wasn’t sure, so thanks for clarifying it with me,” I snapped, slamming dirty cups and saucers into a pile to take out to the dishwasher.
“Sorry, but you do. Have you and Mel been arguing again?”
“I don’t want to talk about it,” I growled, carrying the precarious pile of crockery out to Freddie (who’d been slightly more subtle in her analysis of me this morning.)
When I returned to the front, Ju was sat at the counter, her lips pursed as she pretended to browse something on her phone. I took a deep breath and held it for a few seconds, knowing my friend was only concerned for my well-being, and I didn’t really have enough in me to be fighting with her as well.
“Ju, I’m sorry. Give me a minute to finish these orders and I’ll come chat, okay?”
She nodded nonchalantly, sipping her coffee.
It was nearly forty five minutes before I could take a breather and I was glad she hadn’t just left. I carried a super latte (four shots and lots of honey) over to where she was lounging and flopped into the chair.
“Sorry, Saturdays are pretty manic,” I mumbled, blowing uselessly onto the top of my latte. I’m not sure it ever helped cool it down in the slightest, but engaged in doing it to every hot drink anyway.
“Babe, you can’t carry on like this. It’s bloody destroying you,” she said softly. I hesitated.
“I know.”
“Then do something about it. Do you know how painful it is to be your friend and to have to just sit back and watch you disappear into this fucking black hole? I can’t do anything to help you mate, because you’re the only one who can stop it. You have to stand up for yourself. And by that I obviously mean you have to leave her, kick her out, whichever is quickest. She’s bloody toxic.” She stared into my eyes, and not for the first time I saw the knock on effect this was having on my friends.
“I know,” I repeated. She tipped her head back and studied the ceiling, as if there was an answer up there that could benefit me.
“Look, I’ve got to go. I’ll see you tonight if she ‘lets’ you out,” Ju stood up pulling her jacket around her shoulders, but paused when she saw my look of confusion. “I know you haven’t forgotten we’re going to see Caravan Palace tonight…”
“Of course I haven’t! I’m meeting you at your place at six, right?” I quickly recovered, berating myself for forgetting the birthday present I’d bought my best friend a couple of months ago. Ju eye-balled me, uncertain as to whether or not I had indeed forgotten.
“Well, before six would be good, but six at the latest if we want to get a good position inside the gig.” She paused a second. “If you miss this Hanna-banana, I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to forgive you. I’ve just got this horrible feeling in my stomach that you’re going to let me down, so please prove me wrong?”
I gulped and nodded firmly before we hugged and she left.
“Excuse me miss, can we get the bill please?”
I turned to look at the man waving to get my attention, not really focusing on him at all. My thoughts were in full throttle trying to work out how to tell Mel I was going out tonight to a concert that I’d previously put off telling her about because I’d been waiting for the right moment. Because I’d known she’d kick off and say no.
“Miss? The bill?”
&nbs
p; “Oh. Er, yeah, sorry.”
I spent the next few hours in a dazed kind of panic as I tried to work out a plan of strategy. I couldn’t just not go home, and it was far too late in the day for me to pretend I ‘thought’ I’d mentioned it to her. She was going to flip, that much was certain, but I was determined I was going to stand my ground on this one.
Yup. That easy.
As I tentatively opened the front door, the smell of something delicious hit my nose and I groaned. She was cooking for me. Could this get any harder? I walked furtively into the bedroom to get changed, hoping she wouldn’t have heard me.
“Hanna? Hey baby, you’re home early.”
This was very typical behaviour, pretending the previous night’s argument hadn’t occurred. Or rather, ‘not wanting to rehash a resolved argument’ as she described it.
I took a deep breath.
“Oh, yeah.” In one swift move, similar to ripping off a particularly stuck on plaster from a painful wound, I took even myself by surprise by blurting out, “So I totally forgot I bought Ju and I tickets to go see Caravan Palace tonight for her birthday.”
“What are you talking about?”
“You remember Ju’s birthday a while back? Well I bought her tickets…”
“Yeah I heard you the first time round,” Mel interrupted, her good mood well and truly gone now. “You’ll have to phone her and say you can’t make it, give her time to find someone else to go with.”
“Mel, I can’t. She’s been looking forward to this for ages.”
“I don’t care. I’ve cooked us dinner and we were supposed to watch that film we recorded the other night.”
“We were supposed to watch it last night,” I pointed out, wincing at my own stupidity. Was I really trying to goad her, now of all times?
“We’ll watch it tonight. After we’ve eaten the dinner I’ve spent money and time preparing, for you,” she insisted firmly.
“Mel, it’s one night! And it’s way too late for her to find someone else to take now anyway. I’m sorry, but I can’t let her down.”
“Whoa, wait a second, are you actually choosing that Brummie bimbo over me?”
We started arguing at half five. The journey to Ju’s was about ten minutes long, depending on traffic.
When we were still arguing at five minutes to six, I started getting a panicky flush. Mel was being relentless and I could feel myself starting to cave, knowing she’d just go on and on all night. No doubt she sensed this because she upped her energy levels, throwing all kinds of irrelevant arguments in the mix, designed to distract and wear me down further but mainly to keep me occupied. At ten past six I sighed, ready to agree to stay home, and that was when I saw it. Her eyes registered my defeat and she smiled smugly at me. Everything slowed down as I watched her waiting for me to submit to her, and in my mind I pictured Ju sat waiting for me, upset and angry that I’d proved her right. I squared my shoulders and stood up.
“Enjoy dinner. I’ll see you later.”
I practically ran to the front door, glad I still had my car keys in my pocket.
“HANNA! Don’t you dare walk out of here!”
“Mel, you’re my girlfriend, not my mother. You can’t tell me what to do.”
As I opened the front door, she threw one quiet missile at me.
“If you walk out of this flat, you’ll regret it.”
“Grow up Mel.”
And with that, I took my dignity and pride and left.
“I don’t know what I’ve enjoyed most tonight. Hearing how you told Mel to go fuck herself…”
“I didn’t actually say…”
“Shh, don’t spoil it. In my fantasy, you told her exactly that!” Ju said, her voice shaking with excitement. “Or the concert itself. Are they still called concerts, or is the correct term these days a gig? Well whatever, both were epic events that we are going to talk about forever. I’m so bloody proud of you!”
We were in the car driving home from the concert (or gig) which had indeed been epic. I’d been nearly half an hour late picking Ju up in the end, but once she’d heard what had happened, I was instantly forgiven and declared hero of the hour. I had to admit, I’d been on a huge buzz from standing up for myself at last, although the adrenaline I was now riding had more to do with nerves for what I was going to be returning home to. In fact, the closer we got the slower I found I was driving. Ju didn’t notice, happily chatting away about this, that and the other, and I realised how long it’d been since we’d had a good old fashioned natter.
Pulling up outside her flat, a wave of sadness swept over me. As soon as my friend left the car, I knew the happy and free night was officially over and I would have to go home and face the music.
“Han, babe, listen. My phone is gonna be on all night, and you know my door is always open for you, okay? Just in case,” Ju said, hugging me fiercely. Then she opened the car door and got out, turning to wave quickly before disappearing inside her block of flats.
I drove home, feeling like I was driving to my execution or something. And when I nervously put the key into the slot, I almost hoped she had just locked me out again. I couldn’t deal with another confrontation.
But the key turned and the door opened. All the lights were on, which wasn’t a very good sign. Well, what did I expect? She’d told me I was going to regret leaving, so now I just had to find her and see what my ‘punishment’ entailed. I could barely breathe, but even though I was revved up I forced myself to stay calm.
Then I walked into the lounge. My calm turned to confusion at the strange confetti littering the room, until I bent down to pick up a few pieces and my blood turned to a river of ice. The tiny fragments were actually bits of photos that had been torn to shreds. I mean, there was no hope of ever taping these back together.
I stood, my eyes scanning the room until I saw the album that I knew the pictures were from sitting on the table. It was open and looked empty.
No. No, surely even Mel wouldn’t stoop that low. It was just one of her wind-ups designed to get a reaction out of me, when she’d actually hidden the photos somewhere safe. Because there’s absolutely no way she’d be so cruel as to tear up the only photos I had of me and my old best friend, the one who’d died in a car accident when we were seventeen. She knew how much those pictures meant to me, as did everyone. I had no negatives for the pictures and it had been in the days before digital cameras made such an impact, so the pictures were completely, totally irreplaceable.
I swallowed, feeling strangely surreal as I walked to the bathroom where I knew she’d be. This also was one of her habits. If she’d done something particularly cruel, she’d get in the bath – naked, she felt she appeared extra vulnerable and contrite.
I stood in the doorway, taking in the scene before me. She’d obviously been in the bath for a long time, judging by the wrinkles on her hands and feet. She sat up and hugged her knees, attempting to look as apologetic as possible.
“Han, I’m s…”
“I’m only going to ask you once, so you’d better answer truthfully,” I interrupted coldly and harshly. “Did you tear up the photos of me and Helen, or did you just hide them somewhere?”
Mel actually looked scared by my low tone.
“I…I’m sorry. We can try and tape them back together baby? I am so, so sorry, I swear, I didn’t mean…”
I turned around and walked straight to the bedroom where I started packing my essential items. Her apology confirmed my worst fears. Hell, she hadn’t said sorry to me in years! I didn’t let myself think about what she’d done, needing to focus on getting as much of my stuff in my bag as possible and then getting myself far, far away from her. Because if I didn’t, I wasn’t sure what I was capable of doing. I wasn’t a violent person in the slightest, but right now I was beyond fury. I was on another level, the level where a calm passive person is pushed to before they lose it completely.
I got out of the flat and down to my car before she twigged I’d left and st
arted calling. I rejected the call, texted Ju to say I was on my way, then turned my phone off.
Ju was waiting for me at her front door and I just about made it up to her flat before I broke down and allowed my tears to flow.
CHAPTER 12
“Oh my god, you had me worried then,” Sophie said, sitting back and shaking her head as she finished her hot chocolate.
“What do you mean?”
“Well I don’t know, from the way you were talking I thought you might have drowned her in the bath or something.”
I stared at her incredulously.
“You thought I might be capable of murdering my girlfriend over some ripped up photos?”
“No! No, of course not, I was just getting kinda carried away in the story. Of course I don’t think you’re capable of doing anything like that. Plus, well, you’re still walking around free so it’s pretty obvious you didn’t. It just sounded like you were building up to a climax in the bathroom and…”
“You can stop digging now if you want,” I offered, although it had been cute watching her face turn ten shades of red as she tried to over-explain herself.
“I swear, I was only joking about the drowning thing, I honestly don’t think you’re capable of…”
“Sophie, it’s okay. I understand how you got to that train of thought, but there is more to the story. Do you want a top up?” I checked my watch – I had about another half hour before needing to get back for Danny. Taking our mugs to the counter was just an excuse for me to gather myself for the next part. This was hard to bring back up again, but necessary for me to start moving forward.
When I got back to the table, Sophie very patiently waited for me to gather myself before continuing.
“Okay, so where was I? Oh yeah, Ju’s. So she let me stay on her sofa while I tried to work out what to do next. I called in sick for a couple of days at work to avoid Mel coming in and causing a scene, cos I hadn’t responded to any of her calls or texts. I just wasn’t ready to see her without being sure I might tear into her or something, y’know? And Ju’s flat has a security code you have to enter to get into each level of the building, so I knew I was safe. But Mel knew I was there, and stalked Ju on her way in from work on the Tuesday…”
