by Angela Peach
“Whoa, falling in love already? Isn’t that a bit quick mate? I mean, you’ve only just met the girl, and you’ve only been out with her a couple of times.” She paused. “Wait a sec, please tell me you haven’t told her this yet?”
“Of course I haven’t. And I didn’t say that I was in love with her, or that I love her. I said I was falling in love with her. There’s a big difference.”
“Which is..?”
“I think you can start falling in love with someone pretty much straight away, whereas the other two take time.”
“Han, just be careful. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I’m well happy you’ve found someone and moved on from Mel, but I also don’t want you getting your heart broken in case blondie doesn’t reciprocate the same strength of feelings. She might say she’s really into you, but what if it all comes crashing down around you when you least expect it.”
Something in her voice told me she wasn’t just talking about me and Sophie, so I thought carefully before replying.
“I think life’s too short not to grab every opportunity that presents itself, and falling in love is a risk that everyone takes at one point or another. I mean, it’s the one emotion we have absolutely zero control over. You can make yourself like or dislike someone, and can even grow to love them. But when you’re in love?” I shrugged helplessly. “You can’t choose who you fall in love with, and you can’t just fall out of love with them if they break your heart. You just have to let it run its course, no matter how much you don’t want to be in love with them anymore. It doesn’t matter that you know how much pain it’s causing you and you’re desperate for that pain to end, it doesn’t matter if you don’t really like them either. You can’t stop being in love with someone. You just are, and then one day you might not be. It goes, like a switch has flicked inside.”
“But is it worth that pain? I mean, it kinda consumes and eats away at you until it feels like there’s nothing left. Is anything worth that?”
In the background Wham! aptly crooned about having their hearts broken the previous Christmas. I stepped down from the chair, searching for an answer for her.
“Oh mate. I don’t know. I guess what you really have to ask yourself is whether it’s worth not taking the risk and never knowing?”
Freddie nodded slowly, as if she already knew this but had secretly hoped for a miraculous alternative answer from me. When she spoke next her voice was tight and quiet.
“Han, I don’t know what Julianne told you…about what happened between us?”
“Honestly? Ju hasn’t said anything.” Although I felt guilty for bending the truth, I sensed that she was about to share her secret with me anyway. She took her cap off and scratched her short hair.
“I think I should tell you. I mean, obviously Ju knows, but it’s not that I don’t want you to know, cos I’ve wanted to tell you for ages, but the longer it went on, I guess the harder it got to just kinda blurt it out, and then I just…well, I know you’ll totally understand and be cool about it, but I didn’t want to really tell anyone.” She babbled almost to herself, staring at the tinsel she was holding as she nervously wrapped and unwrapped it around her hand. I touched her arm reassuringly.
“Hey, it’s okay, you don’t have to tell me anything you don’t want to. But if you do, I’m not going to judge you honey. You’ll always be my best mate whatever.”
She cleared her throat and glanced up at me quickly before returning her attention to the tinsel in her hands, and I swore the blood drained from her face.
“Hanna, I’m…I was…” she closed her eyes and took a deep breath. “I was born a male. But I always felt like I was a girl trapped in a boy’s body, for pretty much as long as I can remember. So when I left school, I moved towns and started telling everyone I was Freddie, a butch boi,” she blurted almost desperately. I breathed a huge sigh of relief, glad she’d finally shared, and pulled her into a hug. She seemed surprised.
“Aren’t you angry, or shocked? I mean, I’ve been lying to you for years.”
“Mate, we all have our secrets. I think it totally explains a lot of things, but you’re still Freddie and I don’t care about the packaging you’re in. That’s your business, not mine.”
“Fuck. I knew I shoulda told you before.”
We continued with the decorating and she filled me in on how she’d gone to her GP to get a referral to transition on the NHS years ago, but he’d flat out refused. Implying that she was simply going through a phase and that it would be a waste of NHS funding, he’d sent her on her way. With her confidence and pride in the gutter, Freddie had decided to save up and go private. It was wildly beyond her meagre earnings, but she said that she’d almost reached the target and had planned to transition properly in the next six months.
“I was so stupid. I’ve always liked Ju, but didn’t think she felt the same. Then there was my birthday night in London and I guess I just got carried away with her. Or I was really pissed and wanted her more than I wanted to push her off, I don’t know. Maybe a mix of the two? Afterwards though, it was harder to push her away, and no matter how hard I tried she wouldn’t leave me alone.”
“I think because it was blindingly obvious that you liked her, even to me. We just thought you were being annoyingly mysterious and aloof, but that you’d eventually give in to how you really felt,” I admitted and she rolled her eyes.
“I wanted to transition first. I didn’t want to start anything with her until I was comfortable in my own body. Until I was the girl I wanted to be, the girl Ju thought I already was. Does that make sense?”
“Yes, it does.”
She sucked on her bottom lip, thinking.
“When she came back to my place after our double date, I wasn’t thinking straight. I told myself I could keep my clothes on, tell her I was on my period or something, and just, y’know, please her. I think mostly I just wanted to fall asleep with her, to feel her next to me in the bed. It was so stupid of me, and I blew it. Instead of being patient and waiting, I blew it and now she hates me.”
“Oh Fred, I don’t think she hates you. It must have been a huge shock and she just needs time to process it. This is Ju we’re talking about, sweetie.”
Fred looked at me sceptically.
“You didn’t hear what she said before she ran out of my flat as fast as those gorgeous legs of hers could carry her. She was mad as hell. And every time I’ve tried calling her, she’s blown me off, like I betrayed her or something.”
“Did you tell her you’re transitioning? Maybe if she understood…”
“Yes, of course I told her but I’m not sure how much she was paying attention in-between ranting about me being a liar and a fraud. So, what the fuck do I do?”
“You give her time. I guarantee she’ll come round soon, but it’s not something you can force.” I hesitated, mulling things over. “I can have a quiet word with her, just to see where she’s at with it all and see what her thoughts are? Unless you’d rather I don’t get involved?”
Fred hesitated now, and I listened to John Lennon declare war over, and wish everyone a very merry Christmas and a happy new year. I decided it felt like quite a sad song really, despite the positive message.
“Fuck it. It’s not like it’s gonna make things any worse, is it? Sure. See what she says.”
“Okay. Now, come on, let’s get this tree finished so we can get the fuck out of here!”
“Thanks mate. For being so good about all this. I’m really sorry I didn’t tell you before but…”
“Hey, seriously, don’t worry about it,” I reassured her with a warm hug then we resumed decorating the tree, both of us singing at the top of our voices.
By the time we locked up and said our goodbyes, it was nearly nine and I was totally shattered. I’d just got in the car when my phone rang.
“Hey Ju, I’ve just finished so I should be with you in about five minutes,” I said, starting the engine and pumping the gas through.
“That’s w
hy I was calling mate, I’m just this second dropping him back at your place for you. Some of my work colleagues invited me out for a drink tonight and they’ve picked me up. We’re taking him there now so you don’t have to detour to my place.”
“Thank you, I’m sorry I’m later than I thought I was gonna be.”
“That’s alright, you owe me big stylee for all these little favours. He’s been fed and walked as well, so just go home and put your feet up, okay?”
“Mate, you have no idea how grateful I am. We’ll have a proper catch up soon,” I promised, more than a wee bit relieved that I’d been absolved of all responsibilities for the evening. I was looking forward to crawling into bed and getting a good night’s sleep ready for my date with Sophie. A whole beautiful day with her!
I couldn’t stop thinking about it and got steadily more excited as I drove home, and when I parked up was unable to resist texting her.
CAN’T WAIT TO SEE YOU! HOPE YOU’RE HAVING A NICE NIGHT? X
She messaged back almost straight away.
YEAH, ALL BIT DRUNK! IT’S GOOD SEEING THEM BUT I’M GLAD IT’S JUST 1 NIGHT – MUM’S ALREADY DRIVING ME MAD!! I TOLD THEM ABOUT YOU & DAD WANTED ME TO INVITE YOU OVER FOR XMAS – I DECLINED POLITELY FOR YOU LOL! I’M SURE HE WASN’T TRYING TO SCARE YOU OFF?? X
Then a few seconds later,
P.S. I MISS YOU AND CAN’T WAIT TO SEE YOU TOO XXX
I read the messages several times. How was it possible to get this excited over a text? I replied back, making spelling errors in my haste and having to correct myself.
AW, I’M MISSING YOU TOO. I HAVE TO GO INSIDE NOW, SO WON’T BE ABLE TO TALK ANYMORE TONIGHT. HUGS AND KISSES XXX
Even though I knew she wouldn’t message me back in case Mel intercepted it, I turned the volume off anyway before going inside. As usual she’d filled me with warm fuzziness and I held onto that all the way to my front door.
“Danny? Here boy, where are you?”
The fuzziness left instantly and I felt on edge. Normally Danny was ready and waiting at the front door to welcome me home by leaping happily all over me, or he wasn’t long getting here when he heard me come in. Definitely not this long. Plus, there was an icy atmosphere that made me feel I was being watched.
“Mel? Danny?”
“He’s in the bedroom,” Mel said, suddenly appearing in a doorway with a strange look on her face.
“What’s going on?” My senses did not like the weird vibe I was picking up and I had to force myself to remain calm.
“Your dog went mad and trashed the place.”
“What?” I walked quickly into the bedroom and saw Danny cowering in the corner. Ignoring the small wet patch next to the dog poo, I crouched on the floor and inched my way over to him, sensing he needed reassurance from me before cuddles. “Hey, c’mon, mummy’s home now, it’s okay.”
His ears were pinned back and his eyes kept skitting nervously behind me as he tried to evade my extended hand. I took a deep breath – poor thing could probably sense my anger at Mel but had no way of knowing it wasn’t directed at him. He was scared and didn’t know if he should trust me or not. I stood slowly and turned to face her, speaking in a sweet voice but loading my eyes with cold intent.
“Hey, would you just leave us both alone for a bit?”
“This is my bedroom too, if I want to stand in here…”
“Technically you haven’t paid rent for over a year, so it’s more mine than yours and I want you to get the fuck out of my bedroom,” I said firmly.
“I hope you're going to punish the little shit?” She suddenly leaned around me, shouting, “What did you do, huh? Bad boy!”
“Hey! Do not talk to my dog like that, ever! Get out!” I shouted back. She returned her attention to me, surprised at my outburst and we stared each other down for a few long seconds. Then, with a cold smile that chilled me more than the temperature, she backed out of the room. I didn't give myself time to worry about what that smile might mean, turning instead back to my dog cowering in the corner. I had to take several deep breaths to calm myself down, then I sat cross legged against the wall next to him.
“Hey boy, it's okay, you're safe now. I'm not gonna let her hurt you,” I crooned gently, holding out my hand for him to sniff. He licked his muzzle uncertainly, glancing between me and the wall Mel had gone through. I could tell he wanted to trust me, but didn't want to let his guard down totally in case she came back in.
It took me nearly half an hour to coax him onto my lap, and once there he didn't seem to want to leave, resting one of his paws and his head over one of my shoulders. I scratched the soft fur on his neck as I cuddled him close, nuzzling into him just as much for my own reassurance as his that he was okay, feeling like I'd failed him somehow. I made the decision then and there that this would be the last time I left him alone in the flat with Mel, and started planning out how I could get away with taking him to work.
The back yard where the bins were kept was definitely big enough for him to walk around, and the bins themselves were kept in a small concrete shed-like structure with a large open doorway. If I pulled the bins out into the yard and put lots of sheets and blankets down inside the shed, he could stay in there until I sorted something more definite out. So long as he didn't actually come inside the cafe, I was sure no Health and Safety laws would be broken. Anything was most definitely preferable to leaving him here with my cruel ex.
Once I was satisfied he'd calmed down enough for me to leave the room, I prized him from my lap and stood, hobbling slightly on dead feet. With a few last reassurances I managed to coax him up onto the bed, then I took another deep breath in preparation for the inevitable showdown I was about to walk into. He whimpered as I walked away, but didn't follow me.
I stopped in shock at the scene before me. The lounge was completely trashed with bits of torn paper and fabric on almost every surface, belongings knocked off shelves and scattered around the room. It looked like a cyclone had entered the room, a cyclone with knives and hammers. In a moment of madness, I was reminded of a terrible film called Sharknado, except the scene playing round in my head had Mel's face on the shark, not Danny's.
“What the hell happened?” I asked, bending down to pick up a lamp that had been wrenched from the plug socket. Mel, standing in her favourite spot by the window, glanced coolly across.
“I told you what happened. Your stupid mongrel went crazy and tore round the flat trashing everything...”
“For no apparent reason?” I interrupted.
“Yes, for no apparent reason. Obviously I couldn't stop him so I just shouted at him, and let's just say it's a good job I don't have a real body, cos he was practically rabid. Then he went into the bedroom, took a dump on the floor and that was when you came in.”
I stared at her. She was, of course, one hundred percent lying through her teeth about it all, but in case I had any doubts and needed proof of this, I only had to glance around the room for lots of glaring evidence. For example, a picture of Mel and I from when we'd first met had been sitting on a shelf that was at shoulder height. It was now on the other side of the room.
“Well? What are you going to do about it?” She looked smug and I realised now what that cold smile had meant – Mel had worked out how to move physical objects.
Poor Danny! What did he just go through?
My bones froze in horror while my blood boiled in anger, and I struggled to keep my face neutral.
“I'm going to clear up the mess in the bedroom and get some sleep, then I'm going to go to bed. I'll sort the rest of it out tomorrow,” I stated, hearing a slight tremble in my voice. Mel remained silent, her expression inscrutable. I didn't like this one little bit but walked confidently out to the kitchen to prepare a bowl of soapy water, trying to keep things as normal as possible and not rouse suspicion. She thrived on reactions, so I was determined not to give her one. Not yet, anyway.
She watched me scrub the floor in silence, although every now and then Danny
would growl in the base of his throat in her direction. I felt he was warning her off, not out of fear for himself but to protect me, and I loved his little heart even more for being so brave.
Once the floor was adequately cleaned, I took the bowl to the bathroom where I washed my hands and brushed my teeth. I was too tired to clean any of the debris in the lounge, and needed time to think. If I went to bed now, I could avoid talking to her, get a decent sleep for my date, and also snuggle with Danny. She hated being ignored, but I got a strong feeling that she'd worn herself out with her tantrum and would be no further bother to us tonight.
As I got under the duvet, I felt wholly unnerved by her stood near the doorway, watching my every move with stony eyes. I threw my arm comfortingly over Danny, but he watched Mel with an unwavering gaze and I knew he wouldn't be getting much rest tonight as he 'protected' me. I reluctantly admitted to myself that I was now just as scared of Mel as he was and that I was going to have to take action against her much sooner than the New Year.
I just had absolutely no idea what action that was going to be.
CHAPTER 15
After I'd showered and dressed the next morning, I made a mug of strong coffee before informing Mel that I would be going out for the day rather than clearing up the mess in the lounge. I gave no indication that I knew, or even suspected she'd done it, but hinted maybe Danny needed a good long walk and was sick of being cooped up inside all week. Instead of kicking off as expected, she smiled that same cold smile that was now starting to bother me more than her temper, then continued to stare out of the window. Yes, I know I should have been worried (more worried than I already was) but I was far more eager to escape the flat in as casual manner as possible to meet Sophie.
I pulled on a warm jacket and scarf and shouted goodbye, more out of habit than politeness, then left with Danny. Even in the descending lift, I felt unable to relax fully and it wasn't until we were both in the car driving away from the flats that we both seemed to feel safe. But then the excitement of seeing my girlfriend (just calling her that sent a shiver of pleasure through me) kicked in, and I had to concentrate on keeping within the speed limits.
