by Angela Peach
I was picking her up from the train station and we were going from there to a popular hiking spot which was just under an hour’s drive away. The trail I planned for us to take started at a cute little pub and wound up the side of a steep hill. However, when you got to the top the views were simply spectacular and totally worth the trek. But we could have been going to sit in a cardboard box for all I cared – I had a whole day, a whole freaking day, with Sophie.
As we pulled into the station car park, she waved from just inside the entrance and came out to meet us. Danny went mad when he saw her, scrabbling at the window and howling happily.
“I feel your excitement, boy,” I mumbled, my heart copying him in my chest. She looked so fresh and pure and beautiful in comparison to Mel that I felt like the luckiest girl on the planet. And she liked me! She blasted all the darkness from last night clean out of my system and I grinned dreamily at her, waving back before jumping out to greet her properly.
She dropped her bag to throw her arms around me and we spun in a small circle, holding each other close as if we hadn't seen each other for weeks. Man, she smelled so good, and I inhaled her scent deep into my lungs.
“Hey gorgeous,” she whispered, and a firework of happiness streaked through my body.
“Hey yourself. It's really good to see you,” I said into her hair. It was a huge understatement! She pulled back from the hug to seek out my mouth with hers, then we kissed softly but desperately. I cupped her face with both hands, feeling the muscles in her jaw move gently as her tongue slid in and out of my mouth.
We lost track of time in that kiss, and when we eventually made it back to the car Danny was practically ready to dig his way out to say hello to her! Sophie opened the door carefully and submitted herself to his onslaught, laughing at him as he jumped all over her. She managed to ease herself into the front seat and spent the first five minutes of the journey giving him attention, cuddling and crooning with him. By the time he calmed down, he was sat on her lap with his head leaning into her chest and looking like he couldn't be any happier than he was in that moment.
“Well he’s enthusiastic today,” she said, scratching behind his ears. My mood dropped a notch, and I filled her in on the previous night's events.
“I mean, I don't even know why she's suddenly kicked off like this. She was fine all week, and now? Now she's gone all Poltergeist and I don't know what to do.”
“Do you think she knows about us?” Sophie asked, cuddling Danny extra close. I shrugged.
“Honestly? I don't know. It's weird though, it was kinda the same when we first got together – things were fine for about a year, then she just seemed to get bored. Bored of being nice.” I glanced over at her. “I know I can't leave him alone with her anymore though, that's for sure.”
“Fo damn sho',” Sophie exclaimed, kissing the top of his head. He responded with a multitude of sloppy kisses to her face which she failed to dodge. “Have you thought about moving out?”
“It's all I've been able to think about. I can't really do anything until the New Year though, so I've just got to put up with it for a couple of weeks until I can sort something out.”
“I started looking for somewhere else this week,” she confessed. “It kinda creeps me out a little knowing she's there, watching you. And I really want to be able to have you come and stay over without her following you down to my flat.”
I nearly drove into the kerb at the thought, and knowing she'd not only thought about it, but she really wanted me to stay over at her place.
“I feel like such a cop out for just abandoning her but I hate that I have this baggage and that it's impacting on you. I'm sorry.”
Sophie put her hand over mine and gave a gentle squeeze.
“It's not your fault. She's not your responsibility Hanna, you can't spend the rest of your life looking after her. Just because she chose not to live, it doesn't mean you shouldn't.”
“I know. Thank you. Anyway, today is supposed to be about us. I don't want to talk about her anymore, I want to hear about you, your life, where you came from, where you want to go. I want to know everything!”
She laughed.
“Wow, where do you want me to start?”
“Um, I don't know. Why not start with the obvious – when did you realise you liked women?” I asked, relieved to feel the mood lift back up in the car.
“The usual way I guess. I typically fell in love with my best friend.” She hesitated slightly. “You wanna hear all the gory details?”
“Only if you feel comfortable talking about it. I mean if it's a painful memory...”
“No, not at all. At the time, yeah, it was heart-crushingly devastating, but, y'know, first loves tend to be, right?” She took a moment, looking out at the passing scenery as she thought about what she was going to say. “Her name was Michelle. She joined my class when I was about nine years old and I don't remember exactly how we became friends, but all of a sudden we just were, and then we were completely inseparable. We spent all our time together at school, and then we'd meet after school too. Dinners, sleepovers, shopping in town as we got older, even the odd trip away with each other’s family. When we turned sixteen, we even got Saturday jobs in the same supermarket working on the tills.
“But somewhere along the line my feelings kind of evolved and I went from loving her as a friend, to being a little bit obsessed with her. It was small things at first, like wondering what it would be like to kiss her and stuff. But then I started daydreaming about having sex with her, telling her my feelings and how she'd tell me she felt the same. I pretty much convinced myself she did feel the same, but that she was just hiding it from me the same way I was hiding my true feelings from her.”
“Did she feel the same?” I asked and Sophie snorted.
“Of course not! But I was living in a fantasy land. We had such a perfect relationship as friends, I thought we'd be this super cool lesbian couple that would be together for years, and that we'd laugh reminiscing about how we'd always been in love, but both been too shy to do anything about it.” She cringed, smiling. “Oh no, I've just remembered I used to play a Guns 'n' Roses song called 'My Michelle' almost constantly, and cry when I sang along to it because I loved her so much! I wanted her to be My Michelle!”
I smiled as I tried to picture this version of Sophie, crying in her bedroom as she sang along to the song, which was on one of my favourite albums so I knew it well.
“So what happened?”
“Well, by this point I was hoping she'd make the first move because I was too shy and nervous to, and it was about this time that we started going clubbing together. So we're in this club one night, both a little drunk, having a really good time as always, and all of a sudden she starts getting all up close and sexy with me.”
I groaned, already sensing where this was heading.
“I literally couldn't believe it! I mean, it was exactly how I'd always imagined it would be. And when she kissed me, I swear it was the happiest moment of my life. At the time, obviously,” she added, glancing meaningfully at me. “When she pulled away, I was about ready to declare my undying eternal love for her! But luckily I was still in shock because she whispered in my ear, 'Those two cute guys that were checking us out are totally coming over! I knew that would get their attention!' And before I knew what was going on, she was necking off with this total twat that had tried chatting us up at the bar and I was left with his mate. I went along with it cos I was so happy about what had happened. But the next day, she phoned me up and told me that she'd given him a blow job in the toilets and I remember crying for hours about it.”
“Aw, you poor thing!”
“I know, right? Well anyway, after that I found it easier to believe she had secret feelings for me, but that she was in denial about them. So every week when we went out, I'd dance sexy with her, kiss her for a bit, then try not to get too upset if she pulled someone and disappeared with them for the rest of the night. I thought it was all jus
t an excuse for her to kiss me and that it was only a matter of time before she admitted she was in love with me.
“Looking back now, I can't believe how much I compromised my own needs and sexuality just to keep in with her, but I only had eyes for her. I slept with men just to pretend to her that I was cool! But I was pretty fucking miserable all the time.”
Even though Sophie was relaying the story with good humour and laughing, I felt all her old pain and heartache seeping through.
“One night she pulled this guy who was particularly arrogant...I mean all the guys she pulled were arrogant, it just seemed to be the sort of man she was attracted to for some reason. But this guy wanted both of us in a three-some, so Chelle asked me if I fancied joining them and I said yes. Why not? I thought I'd get at least a little bit of action with her and just have to tolerate him for a bit, but maybe, just maybe, she'd realise after we'd had sex just how much she loved me.”
“How did that work out?”
There was a long pause and I almost regretted asking, but then she spoke.
“Ah man, it was pretty awful actually. Chelle wouldn't do anything with me other than kissing and pulled away when I tried to touch her, and the guy was on a massive ego trip from pulling us both. He was so excited he kind of went in with no foreplay.” She went quiet again and I held her hand sympathetically. “It wasn't really his fault to be fair. As far as he knew, we were both fully consenting. He was just an arrogant wanker who knew nothing about pleasing women, y'know?
“Next day we had the mother of all rows. I mean it was a proper blazer! I couldn't believe she'd actually enjoyed what he'd done and she couldn't understand why I was so angry with her. She was like 'If you didn't want to fuck him, why did you say yes and come back?' So-o I came clean and confessed how I felt about her.”
I felt waves of shame and regret from her as she relived that moment.
“The look of horror on her face...it was enough to convince me she most definitely was not in denial! She was disgusted that I was in love with her, and that was the end of our friendship. Like literally. She ignored all my calls, refused to see me, wouldn't respond to any of my messages and avoided me like the bubonic plague!”
“Fuck! That must have been awful.”
“I thought my world had ended. I pined for her for ages and thought I'd never smile again! I didn't see her for about three or four years, but then I bumped into her in town. I almost didn't recognise her and she was the one who said hello to me! She was still kind of attractive but there was a sort of hardness to her, and even though she was smiling at me and telling me all about her boyfriend and two sons, I got the feeling she wasn’t happy in the slightest. Does that make sense?”
“Totally.”
“She invited me back to hers for a drink to catch up, and out of sheer curiosity I went. When we got there her boyfriend kicked off at how long she'd been gone, and she shouted back and he shouted louder, calling her a fucking cunt and a whoring bitch, and her kids just sat watching cartoons like this was all normal. I made my excuses and left and I've never seen her since!” She glanced quickly at me. “Ooh, hope that word doesn't offend you?”
“Only when someone uses it specifically to offend me,” I replied, thinking of Mel and how ugly the word had sounded dripping from her tongue. “That's quite a story.”
Sophie smiled, relieved.
“Yeah. Obviously there's a happy ending to it all. Despite being utterly broken and depressed after it had all happened, the friend who helped put me back together, Raquel her name was, declared her undying love for me. I started seeing her and she was my first girlfriend. We were together for about a year and a half, then I found out she'd been cheating on me the whole time with a lot of other girls and everyone knew about it except me! We broke up, got back together, broke up again...it was pretty tumultuous really!
“After Raquel, I decided to try polyamory out and it worked fine for a while. I had two girlfriends, both knew about the other and were fine about it, there was no jealousy or any issues at all. But then one of them got pregnant by her boyfriend and said she needed to focus on a 'normal' family life for the sake of her baby, and I was so upset about her breaking up with me, I neglected my other girlfriend! She broke up with me as well and I had two heartaches to deal with.”
“I thought you said this had a happy end?”
“It does. This is my happy end, here with you,” she said shyly. I almost crashed the car as I swelled with pride.
“I hate that you've been treated so badly by all your girlfriends, and I can't say I understand why either cos you're one of the nicest, kindest, funniest, most beautiful women I've ever met, but in a way I'm glad they did. I probably wouldn't have had the opportunity to fall in love with you otherwise.” I paused, wincing. “Sorry, that came out wrong.”
“Which bit?” Sophie asked, and I felt her studying me closely.
“Well I'm obviously not glad you had to go through so much emotional trauma, cos that's really sad.”
There was a pregnant pause.
“So-o...did you mean the other bit? Y'know, about falling in love with me?” She sounded vulnerable and nervous and I turned to look at her quickly. I hadn't even noticed letting that slip out, but couldn't very well take it back now.
“Um, yeah I did. I know we haven't known each other very long, and I don't want to freak you out, but I know how I feel. Are you freaked out?” I asked, feeling the air in the car thicken with raw emotion. Sophie looked thoughtfully out of the side window, taking her time to answer.
“No, I'm not freaked out. It's just...everything between us is so intense. I don't know how to process everything and sometimes I can't sleep for trying to work things out. You don't just have an ex, Han, you have an ex who killed herself and haunts your flat and your life! This might all seem normal for you, but it's far from normal for me.”
I'd never really thought of it this way, and because she always seemed to handle everything I told her in such a calm and accepting manner, I'd just assumed she was fine with it all.
“Would you like us to slow things down? Until I've sorted things out with Mel?” I offered, feeling a lump in my throat. She was quite hard to read at the moment, but I had to keep the majority of my attention on the road.
“Oh Hanna, I don't know if we can.” She sighed and put her hand on my knee, rubbing it gently. “The way you feel about me doesn't freak me out, but the way I feel for you does. It scares me because...I like you way more than any of my exes, combined, and I think my heart is just trying to protect itself because this is so intense and wild and...and...perfect. It's almost too perfect.” The last bit was said quietly, as if she couldn't believe it.
I understood what she was saying.
“Yeah, I know.”
“So I'm not saying I don't feel the same way. I think I'm just...I'm looking forward to us having a 'normal' relationship.”
“I could definitely do normal! I haven't had that for years,” I said, reeling slightly from everything she'd said. Considering I was so in tune with her, she'd managed to keep so much hidden from me and in one respect I was surprised I hadn't picked up on any of it, but then I was also secretly pleased I couldn't read everything from her. It meant I didn't feel like I was invading her privacy by knowing what she was thinking and feeling all the time.
“I hope I haven't offended you?” she asked quietly, so I turned and smiled to reassure her.
“Of course not, I'm glad you were honest. And thank you for being so understanding about everything, as well. I don’t think you realise how much your support has meant to me.”
She looked like she was going to say something else, but changed her mind.
“Okay, it's your turn. When did you know you liked women?” she asked, changing the subject.
“My story's quite boring compared to yours. I grew up in London and there was a pretty big LGQBT scene which I got involved in. I always knew I was a lesbian, and I think my parents knew before I did so
telling them was pretty easy.”
“First girlfriend?”
I smiled.
“Her name was Steph. I was sixteen, she was eighteen and she almost put me off sex! We were totally incompatible in bed and had a terrible sex life but I was too shy to tell her what I wanted. Then her ex, Emma I think her name was, decided she wanted to get revenge on Steph, so she seduced me. All of a sudden I understood what the deal was with sex cos it was amazing, but she was just using me. I was young, and even though I knew I was cheating on Steph, I couldn't help myself cos I thought she loved me and I loved her. But then Emma orchestrated it one night so Steph would catch us in bed. It all got pretty messy, but I've never cheated since.”
“Unless you count now?” Sophie teased.
“Hmm, technically I broke up with Mel before she killed herself, plus I’m not sure having a relationship with a ghost counts so I think I'm in the clear with you,” I replied, smiling.
The rest of the journey was filled with more light-hearted chatter as we just enjoyed being able to relax and got to know each other better. By the time I pulled into the pub car park where we planned eating lunch, we were both ravenous and discussing favourite foods. It did nothing to help our hunger though, and after letting Danny have a quick toilet break we hurried into the pub, eager to order.
CHAPTER 16
The roast dinners were sublime. We both ordered their special which had a bit of everything on it, and when it arrived Danny suddenly got very excited, as if he knew we'd never manage it all ourselves. And he was right! Both plates were filled with a leg of chicken and slices of rare beef, lamb and pork to go with the deliciously crunchy rosemary roasted potatoes, while the vegetables came in a separate bowl to share. Normally the boring part of a roast, these were excitingly tasty with courgettes, green beans, cauliflower cheese and some amazing purple cabbage that tasted of cinnamon. Even the gravy was perfect! We went into a state of bliss, devouring mouthfuls with groans of pleasure and boldly stating it was almost as good as sex!
