Miss Alice Lovelady's Second Omnibus of her Inexplicable Adventures

by Sadie Swift

  Quickly I put my gun and the statue down, then put my heavy coat on hiding the sword still strapped to my back. I had no wish to explain where a possibly expensive sword came from. Luckily my coat had large pockets so I could also hide both the statue and my gun away from inquisitive eyes.

  We exited the front door. The ground felt like it was vibrating slightly as we hurried out over the now clear driveway towards the entrance gate. Through the falling snow and gusty wind I looked over to where the strange snow-less area was and saw steam, or smoke, rising from it. The previously green grass now brown and crisp.

  Was the village still there? I couldn’t make anything out through the snow.

  “Over there, Miss Lovelady!” called Sir Percival.

  I looked to where he pointed and fear caught in my throat. An orange river was slowly flowing out from a lower part of the mountain and heading down towards the village.

  Twenty-Two

  With the snow still on the ground preventing us from running we hurried as fast as we could through it past the turn-off and towards the village. The ground tremors felt like they were increasing.

  Distant sounds of breaking glass and falling masonry came from behind us. The Baron’s house and Sir Percival’s apparatus were no more.

  “We need to get a carriage, or at least a pair of horses, and make our getaway,” advised Sir Percival.

  I concurred, but also wanted to make sure that Glenys came with us. I felt that she and Mrs Lloyd had become my friends. So far only one was dead. And the other possibly not dead, only potentially homeless. I hoped neither one would hold it against me.

  Cold water found its way into my boots through the holes the magma had burned in them. We’d gone from one extreme to the next and then back again. Maybe I should just wish to be somewhere merely temperate?

  Movement ahead of us caught my eye through the thick swirling snow. “You need to get away from here!” I called to whoever it was.

  “No need to cause a panic, Miss Lovelady,” Sir Percival quietly admonished from my side. “We find transportation first, then, as we leave, tell everyone in earshot about the danger.”

  Sometimes his sense of self-preservation sickened me. I doubted whoever it was had heard me anyway.

  The ground rumbled and an orange light caught my eye to the left. I turned to see a spray of magma burst from the ground like a spring from Hell. The lava coming from it began to slowly flow down towards the village, smoke and steam rose from it as it burned the grass and melted the snow.

  We forced ourselves to move faster.

  The main street appeared empty. We headed towards the village store as it doubled as the Post office and behind it had stables where the horses were kept for the Royal Mail carriages that sometimes visited. Luckily the public house was right next to it and as Sir Percival turned down the alley between the two buildings I veered off and headed towards the pub’s door.

  The smell of burnt wood came to my cold nose and I saw orange flickering through the heavy swirling snow towards the end of the main street. But heard no screams. The sound of timbers crashing to the ground as a house’s roof collapsed hurried my feet.

  I felt another tremor through the ground as I pushed open the door. Also a cry of surprise from Sir Percival when he realised I wasn’t following him.

  The pub was full. Smoke hazed the atmosphere and set me coughing, reminding me uncomfortably of the battle with the snake in the sulphurous cavern not so long ago.

  Silence slowly fell as the villager’s eyes caught sight of me. Glenys was serving a table of customers from a tray and turned to see what was going on. She almost dropped the tray and pint of beer she held at the sight of me.

  “Alice?”

  “Yes. I need to tell you something.”

  “Your hair? Your face?”

  “Yes, it’s pink, and I fell over somewhere dirty. Please come here.”

  Her eyes moved lower down my attire and widened at the glimpse of legs through my long coat.

  I sighed. I might have to use the hard way.

  “It’s most important, Glenys.”

  A tremor shook the room. I expected cries of dismay at the occurrence, but no-one batted an eyelid. Just continued sipping their beers and whispering among themselves at the sight of the strange-looking, possibly hysterical, woman in their midst.

  “I’d be obliged if you hurried, Glenys.”

  “Be right there, love. Just need to collect some empties.”

  The hard way it was.

  I walked up to her and grabbed her arm. “The village is in danger,” I hissed in her ear.

  “’Ere now. There’s no need for that. We get these rumblings all the time.”

  A few, almost drunk, voices protested at my man-handling of Glenys, and of the scandalous glimpses of bare legs showing through my coat.

  I tried again. “Come with me if you want to live.”

  “You been drinking?”

  I turned to the pub’s assorted clientele and advised, “It’s woman things.”

  The sounds of “Ah” and “Oh”, and Welsh words probably corresponding to “Knew it,” greeted my announcement. I pulled Glenys outside and thankfully saw Sir Percival had found a carriage that had the Royal Mail’s shield emblazoned on the door. He sat in the driver’s seat, a thick heavy driver’s coat around him and a blanket around his bare legs. Four dark sturdy-looking horses with fear showing in their wide eyes stamped at the ground in front, fighting him to leave. It was times like these that I was grateful he’d had the upbringing he’d had as I wouldn’t’ve had a clue how to harness and control the beasts.

  He caught sight of Glenys with dismay. “Does she have to come?”

  “Yes.”

  Past the carriage I saw what was spooking the horses – through the heavy swirling snow, smoke and steam, I spied a wide, glowing orange river, easily as broad as the village itself, slowly head downhill towards us. The smell of wood burning was stronger now and the black smoke merged with the falling snowflakes making them a dirty grey.

  The village had no chance.

  “What’s that?” she asked, indicating the orange lava river.

  “That’s what’s going to destroy the village. No time to pack, we need to go now. Before the village does.”

  I kicked open the pub’s door behind me. “Scream,” I said to Glenys.

  “Sorry?”

  “Scream. They need to be warned to get out. They won’t believe me if I tell them, so, scream.”

  She had quite the set of lungs on her did Glenys. As I opened the carriage door for her I hoped one day to regain the hearing in my right ear.

  Sir Percival did carriage drivery-type things to stop the horses from bolting before I’d boarded. Fortuitously I made sure that Glenys got in first or he might have left with only me on board, leaving her behind in the village to fend for herself.

  Following in afterwards I shut the door and felt a sense of relief as the carriage quickly bounced off over the rough track, laughingly called a road, through the snow towards the end of the village and the winding trail down from the mountains.

  Cries of dismay came from behind us as the pub’s patrons came out to see what the scream was all about and saw their village under siege from red-hot lava.

  But we weren’t out of the woods, or rather, mountains, yet. We still had to get away from the lava flow to safety.

  Twenty-Three

  Even though a layer of snow laid on top of it the road was still very rough and Glenys and I had to hold onto whatever we could to avoid being thrown about as if riding in a dirigible during a storm. That brought back nasty memories I can tell you.

  Glenys quickly regained her composure and excitedly asked, “Ooh, does Mr Peach want to whisk me away somewhere… exotic?” She stopped and glanced around furtively, then lowered her voice to add, “I hear stories about Rhyll that’d…” She paused and glanced curiously at my pink hair. “You heard them before?”

  I wasn’t sure whe
ther Rhyll could be considered exotic or even a place where salacious events occurred, but avoided the question by reaching up and grabbing a brown woollen travelling blanket to keep her warm as she only wore her working frilly white blouse and black skirt.

  A question popped into my head, as they were wont to do. “Did you know there was a Roman temple in the grounds of the Baron’s house?”

  She thought for a moment. “No. But I have been to the Baron’s house once. I got invited to a ball there. I wore a ball gown and everything.” She smiled at the memory.

  I glanced out of the window behind us, but couldn’t see anything. Glenys had a ball gown? I didn’t have ball gown. Although after today I think I only had what I currently wore. I needed to keep her mind off of what was happening around us. “Where did you get a ball gown from, Glenys?”

  I looked out the other window, but again couldn’t see anything. Had we gotten away safely? It’d probably be a first if we had.

  “Mr Lloyd got it for me. I think it used to be the Baron’s wife’s or a relative’s or something? It was royal blue and had frills and lace. It looked lovely.”

  It sounded like she’d had a wonderful time. It also seemed that, unknown to the Department, Mr Lloyd had his own little fiefdom up here before Sir Percival and I turned up.

  “When was this, Glenys?”

  “Oh, the first night I’d arrived in the village.”

  “That quickly? They must have really needed a barmaid.”

  “Mr Lloyd said they did it for all the new people.”

  Maybe that was why he was so enamoured of the ballroom, and didn’t like Sir Percival and I taking it over?

  “I think I was the last one to arrive in the village, before you and Mr Peach, of course.”

  “Wait, everyone in the village had a ball in their honour?”

  “Oh, yes.”

  This sounded very strange.

  “Do you remember much about the ball, Glenys?”

  “It was lovely, the whole village was there. Mr Lloyd gave me a drink. And there was music.” She stopped and paused, thinking. “I think there was music. There must have been music.” She laughed, “How can you have a ball without music?”

  My internal warning system which was still currently on the ‘get out!’ phase suddenly jumped up to another level and started screaming at me.

  “Miss Lovelady!” Sir Percival called from outside, breaking my chain of thought.

  I used the bouncing of the carriage to help me to the door and managed to pull the window down. Snow immediately blew into my face on a freezing cold wind. I yelled back, “Yes, Sir Percival?”

  “Who is Miss Lovelady, and who is Sir Percival?” Glenys asked from behind me.

  But Sir Percival’s next words pushed her query out of my head and put me on high alert.

  “We have company!” With his long driver’s whip he indicated up the mountainside. I turned and saw shapes, large shapes, racing downhill through the snow in our direction. Perhaps I shouldn’t have told Glenys to shout to warn those in the pub, as it looked like they were now chasing us.

  I doubted my gun would work until I recharged it, but even before then I needed to have a good look at the Tesla coils after the damage caused by the snake. Sir Percival’s gun was now molten slag. And my clockwork weapons were gone. I did though have the sword and my wrist stilettos, and could always use my gun as a cricket bat again. But these were close-range weapons, and I’d have to wait for the beasts to be within striking distance before I could do any damage.

  A thought came to me and I shouted to Sir Percival, “Don’t these carriages carry a blunderbuss, or something to use against robbers?!”

  “I’ve not looked! I’m a bit busy!”

  At that moment we turned a sharp bend and left only two wheels on the road’s surface, before the carriage crashed back down onto all four and almost threw me out of the window.

  “I’ll have a look in here!”

  I closed the window, relieved to have my face out of the driving snow and glanced at Glenys. She looked snug with the blanket around her but had a puzzled look upon her face. My warning system was like a pounding migraine shrieking at me to ‘GET OUT!’ I had to try and ignore it as the carriage was currently the safest mode of transport down the mountain away from the lava and the beasts following us.

  “Are you alright, Glenys?”

  “You know, Alice. I don’t seem to remember much about the ball.”

  “I dare say alcohol would have been imbibed?”

  “Yes, but I can normally drink anyone under the table. And it seemed strangely hot. Very hot, like on a very hot summer’s day.”

  “Was it summer when you got there?”

  “No.”

  What had happened during the ball? Chills began to run up and down my spine. “Was…?” I hardly dared ask the question. “Was there a bright yellow-orange light?”

  “Yes! Were you there? Wait, you couldn’t have been there?”

  Oh, I’d definitely been there.

  Twenty-Four

  What fierce beast would she turn into? And what triggered it? Stress? Anger? Something else?

  “You’re looking worried, Alice?”

  “Oh, um… it’s just all that lava, which I fear has destroyed the village.”

  “Oh I wouldn’t worry about that. The miners tell me it happens all the time.”

  “Watch out!” Sir Percival cried from outside.

  Something large hit the carriage with a BANG! and rocked it from side to side. A huge brown paw with large claws burst in through the window, scattering broken glass over us and the floor. Glenys shrieked and jumped off the seat to huddle in the corner furthest away from it. Quickly I took my wrist stilettos out and, with my coat flapping about my bare legs, stabbed them at the flailing paw. Blood sprayed from it and roars of anger vibrated through the carriage at the pain I was inflicting.

  “Get rid of it, Miss Lovelady!” added Sir Percival, unhelpfully.

  The wounded paw withdrew and I stumbled over to the door and leant out to force the bear to get off the carriage. But a paw swept down at my head. Startled, I raised my arms to protect myself and the paw hit them, knocking the knives from my hands to fall into the snow behind us. Quickly I withdrew and tried to draw the sword at my back from its sheath but my coat prevented its easy release. The blood-soaked paw reappeared and began swiping its bloody red claws at me. I picked up my gun and began hitting it with the butt until the paw withdrew. This time I was more prepared and quickly peeked out and withdrew, just as the paw came slashing down. Using my gun as a cricket bat I bashed at it and heard something break. The bear gave a scream of pain.

  “Any help, Sir Percival?” I cried.

  “I can’t let go of the horses!”

  With one limb broken and holding onto the side of the carriage with its other three the only weapons the bear had at its disposal were its fangs. I managed to avoid its large snarling mouth and sharp teeth and got in a few solid whacks upon its head. The last one appeared to momentarily stun it and I levered its body away from the carriage, then watched as it fell onto the snowy road and we left it behind.

  “Is everything alright, Alice?” Glenys asked, sounding shaken, from behind me.

  I was still in extreme danger, as my warning system kept screaming at me. However much it pained me, I had to get rid of her. But without triggering her change first.

  Holding onto the edge of a luggage rack above the seats as the carriage rocked and rolled down the road I leaned back in and turned to smile cheerily at her. “That was a tad surprising! Now I’ve lost my knives I’d best get the sword out.”

  “You wear a sword?”

  “Only this time. Not normally.”

  Snow blew in from the open window and the temperature plummeted even further with the cold wind swirling around us. Glenys still sat in the corner of the carriage wrapped in the blanket. I put the gun down on the seat I’d recently vacated and brushed my askew hair back into plac
e, observing, “Touch windy outside. And inside.”

  I loosened the top part of my coat and began to un-sheath the sword.

  “Another one?!” cried Sir Percival, surprise in his voice.

  What on earth was it now? A thump! on the side of the carriage jolted the carriage, and me. It didn’t feel as large as for the brown bear but it still meant extreme danger.

  Glenys’ eyes flicked to the smashed window behind me and then she screamed. But before I could finish un-sheathing the sword or turn round to see what the danger was a thick grey thing wrapped itself around my chest and yanked me backwards. I hit the door with a cry and a bang! and desperately grabbed hold of the luggage rack to my right. Whatever it was tried to pull me out again, but the hard sword kept hitting the sides of the door preventing me from being pulled out!

  “Gun!” I yelled at Glenys, frantically waving towards the only weapon I could get hold of at that moment.

  Using the luggage rack for leverage I pulled myself a few feet in from the door and grabbed my gun from Glenys’ shaking hands, whereupon I began beating upon the thick rubbery thing roughly the diameter of my arm to try and get it off. What on earth was it?

  It had a strange fishy smell and appeared to have suckers on the side next to my body. It reminded me of an octopus’s tentacle. But–? My musings were interrupted when from my peripheral vision I saw more waving tentacle tips coming into the carriage around me. Glenys had retreated back to the corner and screamed even louder. I felt my legs being encircled and pulled together by something that felt slimy against my bare skin. I kept waving my gun arm around to prevent it from being caught. If the tentacles got that then I was as good as dead!

  The tentacles already wrapped around me inexorably tightened and then turned my body towards the smashed window. I’d either be squeezed to death or dragged out of the carriage!

  Then I saw why Glenys screamed the second time. As the tentacles turned me round a large black eye came into view and coldly regarded me, but what was worse was the sharp serrated-edged beak that served as its mouth I was being dragged towards.