“Are you hungry?” Ryan asked from the kitchen. “I have all the fixings for some killer burgers.”
“Nah, that’s okay. I should probably—” I gestured to the door.
“And I think we need to spend some time together.” Ryan leaned back against the cabinet, his legs stretched out in front of him. “We aren’t going to decide what to do for the rest of our life right now, but I’d like to get to know you a little more.”
I bit back a melodramatic sigh at his sweetness. Could he be any cuter? I didn’t have the heart to tell him that I wasn’t hungry. I couldn’t even think about food right now. But he was being so ridiculously understanding, I sighed in surrender. “Okay. How can I help?”
“Nothing. I’ve got it all in hand.” Ryan opened the fridge again and started piling ingredients on the counter.
“No, really. I’d like to help.”
“And I want to cook dinner for the gorgeous girl in my kitchen. Just have a seat and watch the master at work.” Ryan turned and pulled a few items from his spice cabinet. “If you can’t tell, I’m trying to impress you with my amazing cooking skills, so let me have this one.”
I crossed the room to pull out a barstool near him in the kitchen. “Hey, far be it for me to get in the way of your game. I’d love to see these amazing cooking skills of yours.”
Ryan threw me a killer grin over his shoulder. I couldn’t help but smile back. A minute ago I was falling apart at the seams and now—with just a smile from him—I was all twitterpated. The man was lethal. And I was reminded of what had drawn me to him in the first place—his killer charm and incredibly good looks. I just hoped our baby looked more like him than me.
Baby. Oh god. Right. I was pregnant. In nine—eight?—months, I’d have a tiny human to take care of.
I’d forgotten about it there for a second.
My breath came in short gasps.
Oh god.
I couldn’t do this. I didn’t know anything about babies. Or childbirth. What was I thinking?
“Hey.”
I looked up at Ryan’s touch. He’d placed his hand over mine. In all my panic, I hadn’t even noticed that he’d moved.
“It’s going to be okay. You need to relax.”
I laughed a little hysterically. “In the history of the world, I can guarantee that no one has ever relaxed after being told that.”
He was being so caring and sweet, but honestly everything inside me was yelling RUN! I just…couldn’t do this. I didn’t know him. I didn’t know what the hell I was doing here. I didn’t know what I was going to do. My scalp burned and tears blurred my vision.
“Come here.” Ryan tugged me off my barstool and gathered me in his arms. “I know this is scary, but you can’t focus on all the what ifs. We’ll take it one step at a time for now. We have months to figure everything else out.”
I tried to relax in his arms for a moment, but it still didn’t stop the flow of tears. Taking a step back and out of his arms, I swiped at my eyes. “I just…I don’t know. This is so, so big. I know we need to talk more, but I think I need some time. By myself. I uh, I’ll call you in a day or so?”
“If that’s what you want to do.” Ryan looked like he’d been hit in the face—wounded and shocked—but I couldn’t worry about him right then.
I had to take care of myself and the tiny soon-to-be human growing inside me. And right now, I needed some time and space to think. “I’m sorry, Ryan.”
The room was silent as I turned and walked away. I didn’t let the sobs free until I closed the door behind me.
Chapter 10
Ryan
I could hear her crying on the other side of the door. It ate me up inside not to go to her, hold her, and try to make this right. But I couldn’t. She clearly wanted to be anywhere except here with me.
I stared at the counter top in front of me, covered in ingredients for tonight’s dinner. This hadn’t gone how I’d thought. Nothing had gone how I thought it would.
I was going to have a baby. A baby. I still couldn’t wrap my head around it.
But I’d hoped that we’d get to know each other over dinner tonight. Granted, a few hours ago I’d also thought I was a carefree bachelor with nothing more on his calendar than burgers and beers with his brother. Now…
Now I was going to be a dad.
My cell buzzed in my pocket. My heart pounded as I thought—hoped—that maybe it was from her. I pulled it out and read the incoming text.
Dylan: Everything going okay? Am I gonna be an uncle?
I rolled my eyes at his phrasing. Until I realized I wouldn’t be the only one this baby would affect. My brothers. My Aunt Wendy. The show. Shit, how was I going to keep this from the producers? We were supposed to start filming in a few weeks.
And then there was Hope’s dad. Fuck me. This was a clusterfuck of epic proportions.
I tossed him a text back.
Me: Come on over. Coast is clear.
I hadn’t decided if I was going to tell him yet. I didn’t know if I’d have anything to tell him. Hope hadn’t seemed like she wanted to have an abortion, but who knew what some time and distance would do? Maybe she’d change her mind. Maybe I wouldn’t have any news to share.
Although that would make things easier in my life now, I couldn’t deny that the thought hurt. I wanted that baby. I wanted to hold him or her in my arms. I wanted to watch the first wobbly steps. Teach my kid how to ride a bike. I wanted to be there.
Like my Aunt Wendy had been there for me.
My eyes skimmed my phone and my gaze landed on the text that’d come in when Hope had been here.
Unknown: Can we get together soon? I need some help.
I hadn’t bothered to put the old man’s info in my phone, but I still knew who the text was from. And now, more than ever, I really didn’t want to see the son of a bitch who’d cratered my life. Dylan might have thoughts or hopes about the old man’s future, but I already knew it wouldn’t have anything good—for him, me, or anyone I knew and loved.
I jolted as my front door opened and Dylan strolled in like he lived here too. Because if I were honest, he probably spent more time here than his own place. Mostly because I cooked, and he was a mooch.
“So, you’re free and clear?” Dylan asked as he pulled open the refrigerator and helped himself to a beer. He turned, took in my numb self, and held out the beer. “Or maybe not. I think you might need this more than me.”
I shook my head. “I uh, kinda promised I wouldn’t drink.”
Dylan raised his eyebrows. “Seriously? Why the hell would you promise that?”
“It seemed like a good idea at the time?” I shrugged. “Hope can’t drink. It didn’t feel right.”
“Well, she’s not here now, so…”
I waved him off. “Nah. I’m not really in the mood. You want a burger?”
“Sure.” Dylan closed the door with a thump then crossed the kitchen to perch on the same stool Hope had been sitting in only minutes ago. “You want to talk about it?”
I dumped the hamburger in the bowl then blindly grabbed some spices to shake over the top. “Not much to say. I don’t really get a say until she figures out what she wants to do.”
“So she is pregnant.”
“Yup.” I took a second to rip the rings off my hands then massaged the spices into the meat. I stared down at the sticky lump of hamburger. I could make four regular sized burgers or two monsters. Honestly, I didn’t really give a shit. I wasn’t even hungry anymore.
“What do you want to happen?”
“I’d love to go back in time and not break the fucking condom that night. You happen to have a time machine on you?”
“Nah, I think I left it at that club we hosted—the Office—I think? Otherwise I would’ve used it when I hooked up with that one chick who kept showing up at my place every day for a month. Remember her?”
“The one with the monogrammed towels?” I laughed. “Kinda hard to forget her.”
“Christ,
I forgot about the towels.” Dylan laughed then took a swig of his drink. “But hey, we got through that, we’ll get through this too.”
“I don’t think this will be handled with a restraining order and a visit from the cops. It’s not that simple. She’s pregnant, Dyl. There’s going to be a baby in nine months.”
“Or not.” Dylan raised his eyebrows. “If she’s gone home to think, is she thinking about not having the baby?”
“I don’t know. But I fucking hope not. That’s my baby!” I slammed a fist down on the mound of hamburger. Red, spindly meat went flying. I stared down at the cutting board, breathing raggedly. “I don’t know what the fuck to do.”
“Okay. Clearly you have feelings about this. How about I fix the burgers and you sit down and have a beer?”
I huffed out a laugh. “Yeah, no. I promised Hope I wouldn’t drink. And I didn’t buy all this meat for you to burn it in another attempt at cooking.”
“Well at least have a beer. What she doesn’t see, she won’t know.”
“I said no.” I glared at my brother, wanting him to drop it already. “Okay? I don’t want a fucking beer.”
“Fine.” Dylan lifted his palms. “I get it. You don’t want a beer. Sorry I said anything.”
I huffed. “No, I’m sorry. I just… I don’t have any control over what’s going on. Everything right now is Hope’s decision, and that fucking sucks. It sucks balls.”
“Yeah it does.”
I kept my head down as I finished forming the patties. I felt like a dick snapping at Dylan. And for not being able to comfort and help Hope. I was sucking at every-fucking-thing today. The least I could do was make dinner.
* * *
I didn’t hear from Hope until Monday. I was knee deep in hooking up the electrical system—my least favorite job—for some weekend warrior’s first custom bike when my phone pinged.
Hope: I have a doctor’s appointment Wednesday at noon if you want to come along.
My heart pounded when I saw the text. Doctor’s appointment? What did that mean? Was she getting an abortion?
I broke all the social rules about calling after a text as I hit dial. I had to know what it meant and typing on that small stupid screen was the last thing I wanted to do. Especially since my hands were shaking like a virgin who’d saw his first titty.
I left the shop and my brothers, Austin and Nathan, behind me while I searched for a private space to talk. I didn’t have an office, and I really didn’t want to have this conversation while standing in the bathroom. The phone rang and Hope answered just as I closed the door behind me in my cousin Sabrina’s empty office.
“Ryan. Hey.”
“Hey.” I cleared my throat as I suddenly found it difficult to speak. I didn’t have the patience for small talk. I had to know what the fuck was going on. “Uh, what is this appointment for exactly?”
“Oh. Sorry. I should’ve been clearer.” Hope laughed unevenly. “It’s, uh, just an initial appointment to confirm pregnancy and figure out how far along I am. I think we both know exactly to the minute how pregnant I am, but apparently this is what they always do the first appointment. And then the doctor will schedule a sonogram in a few more weeks. At the end of the first trimester I think. So more like months really.”
Her babbling was sweet and endearing. And made my heartbeat slow to a reasonable thump. Appointments. Sonograms. Months. She was keeping my baby. All the tension leached out of my body, and my knees went weak. I sagged against the wall while I grinned like a loon. “Okay. Great. What kinda test will they do?”
“I’m not sure. Either a blood or urine test, I think? I probably won’t even see a doctor. Maybe just a nurse? I don’t know.”
“Oh.”
“But you don’t have to come. You wanted me to tell you what the next step was and this is it.”
“No, I’ll come. I want to come.” I laughed as I realized I was probably saying ‘come’ too much. “Does that mean you’ve decided what you want to do? Are you, uh, keeping the baby?”
I was pretty sure I knew the answer, but I had to hear it.
“Yeah.” Hope paused and cleared her throat. “I mean, I’m keeping the baby. I just…haven’t decided all the rest. You know, telling my parents, child care, schools.”
“It’s only been two days, Hope. I think all those things can wait.” My breath left me in a whoosh as I looked up at the ceiling and silently thanked god. “But um, I’m glad. I was hoping that would be your decision.”
“Oh. Good. I guess?” Hope laughed softly. “This is all so weird and surreal.”
“Yeah, but it’s good too.” I studied the tips of my boots. Something about that shy, bashful note in her voice just got to me. I wanted to rush over there and hold her and let her know that everything was going to be okay. But I couldn’t. After the way she ran out of my place last weekend, I knew I’d have to take this slow. No matter how much I wished otherwise.
Hope sighed. “I’m glad you think so. I gotta get back to work, but I’ll text you the address for Wednesday, okay?”
“Thank you. And uh, I really am glad you’ve decided to keep the baby, Hope. Really I am.”
“Thanks, Ryan. Bye.”
“Bye.”
I stared down at my phone as I ended the call. She was keeping the baby. I was going to be a dad. A stupid grin stretched across my face. Wow!
But the sound of someone clearing their throat behind me had my blood freezing. I spun around and spotted my cousin Sabrina standing in the partially opened doorway.
“Uh, hey, Ryan.” Sabrina’s wide eyes cut from my face to my phone then back again.
Shit.
“Hey Sabrina. Sorry. I just had to steal your office for a private phone call.”
“So I heard.” Sabrina entered the room then closed the door behind her. “Anything you want to talk about?”
I reached up and rubbed at the back of my neck. “That depends. How much did you hear?”
“Enough to know more than I should.” Sabrina smiled serenely at me as she raised her eyebrows.
She was really more of a sister to me than a cousin since her mother—my Aunt Wendy—had raised me and my brothers since I was three. Since Sabrina was only a year younger than Dylan, she’d been mine and Dylan’s partner in crime for most of our lives. Here at the shop, she worked as our in-house accountant and HR manager, doing all the boring paperwork none of us could be bothered to do. Lately she’d been kinda distant. Not hanging out with us as much and doing her own thing by herself or with Aunt Wendy. But she was still my best friend, aside from Dylan.
“Hey, I don’t mean to push. But if you ever need a shoulder or a sympathetic ear, I’m here for you.” She shrugged then crossed to pull the chair out from behind her desk. “You know you can trust me. I never told anyone why you suddenly decided to be a vegetarian when you were ten. And believe you me, I had plenty of opportunities to tell everyone the real reason or how much you cried when we watched that movie.”
“Dinner means death and carnage.” I quoted. “Christ, I still can’t eat a piece of bacon without thinking of Babe.” I shook my head. “But thanks. I uh, guess if you heard enough of the conversation, you know I’m going to have a baby?”
“Yeah, congratulations. Who’s the girl? I didn’t know you were dating anyone.”
Christ. Here we go. “You didn’t come to any of the Kings build reveals, but uh, it’s a girl I met there.”
“At the Kings’ clubhouse?” Sabrina’s voice rose. “What the hell, Ry? Do you have a death wish?”
“I didn’t know at the time. I liked her. Still like her. She’s sweet and gorgeous and funny. I don’t know. I thought she was a hanger-on when we first met.”
“You mean she’s not? Don’t tell me you knocked up a biker’s old lady? Oh God, we’re going to have to hide you. Mexico or Canada? I don’t think you could hack the winters up north, but then again you got a D in Spanish so—”
“Hold up, Sabrina. Take a breath
. Please.” I laughed. “She’s not anyone’s old lady.”
“But you said she’s not a hanger-on.”
I sighed as I rubbed the back of my neck. I was feeling a familiar pain stabbing me between my temples. “She’s not. She’s not technically a hanger-on, and she’s not an old lady. She’s uh, T-Bone’s daughter.”
Sabrina stared at me with wide eyes, her face slowly leaching of color.
“I know. I know. It’s not, uh, ideal. I mean, I’m happy she’s keeping the baby, but I kinda wish I would’ve known who her father was before we hooked up. Hindsight and all that.” I waited a beat and still she hadn’t said anything. “Sabrina? You okay?”
She slowly shook her head. “Mexico’s not far enough. Shit, Ryan. Shit. Maybe the South Pacific? I hear they love motorcycles in Australia.”
“Very funny.” To be honest, I had spent the past couple of days trying not to think about what Hope’s dad would do when he found out about us and the baby. I really didn’t need Sabrina shoving it down my throat just now. “We only just found out this weekend that she’s pregnant, so I’d appreciate it if you’d keep this to yourself. I kinda want to tell everyone myself. We don’t need any crazy rumors flying around.”
“Right. Scary biker dad aside, you’re better off waiting until after the first trimester before you tell anyone.”
“What do you mean?”
“There’s a higher risk of miscarriage in the first three months. Not that I’m saying she’s going to miscarry. What’s her name? I feel weird calling your baby mama “her.” Or would you prefer baby mama?”
“Hope,” I murmured absentmindedly. Miscarriage had never occurred to me. I’d been too busy thinking about the what-ifs about Hope’s decision. The thought of her losing the pregnancy hadn’t once crossed my mind.
“Hope. I like it. The name was on my maybe list when I was…” Sabrina trailed off as horror flashed across her face.
Dread pooled in my stomach. “When you were what?”
“What?” She replied in fake innocence.
“When you were what, Sabrina? Don’t even try to pretend that you didn’t almost say something. What were you going to say?”
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