by Matt Haig
I was a bairn now. I was a man after the funeral but I was a bairn now.
Mum said Mam dont.
Nan said His dad dies then you take up with his uncle I mean what are you trying to do to him?
Mum said Philip go and play in the yard.
I looked out of the glass windows in the patio and the white lines of the blind straight down like prison bars.
The yard is nothing and has nothing in it. Not even one ball. It looked cold and I looked at the sky with big clouds like brains and I said Its cold.
Nan looked at my T shirt and said He needs more than a T shirt in this weather.
Mum said Hes got a jacket.
Nan said Oh that flimsy thing. You might as well put him in a bin liner as make him wear that.
Mum said Its not as cold in Newark.
Nan said Oh aye. Youre practically at the pyramids in Newark. The Trent joins up with the Nile.
Mum said Philip go in the spare bedroom just for a minute while I talk to your nan.
So I went in the spare bedroom which is on the same floor because all of Nans house is on the same floor. It is a BunGaLow because Nan cant climb stairs because of her hip which is made of metal. The metal is called TITanium and if you got a really big magnet youd be able to get Nan to fly to it even if you put the magnet next to the wall and she was in the other room youd be able to get her to stick to the wall in the other room. If the magnet was high up it would lift her off the ground and she would be stuck to the wall and not be able to reach anything because the walls are thin like paper. Big white sheets of paper.
Nans metal hip makes her walk with a twisty face because it hurts. She has two metal walking sticks so she walks like she has four long legs like she is a crane fly on the water. She has a bad back as well.
She has ost something osis.
This means her back is like a question mark and she is shrinking. She used to be tall and now she is the same as me and one day we might come and Mum will say Wheres Nan gone?
She will be there on the carpet one centimetre tall saying Help help help Im shrinking and we might lose her again and Mum will say Wheres Nan gone now? And Ill check my shoes and Nan will be on my shoe stuck in my chewing gum going Help me help me Im stuck in the chewing gum.
Tick Tock Tick Tock
Mums voice was getting louder and her words came out of the paper wall in whole pieces and they were Do you think its been easy for me? Its been terrible. Youve no idea. Brian left everything in a mess. I had no idea how much money he had borrowed. And how much the Pub was losing. He never bloody told me. And Ive had to deal with all this bank stuff on top of everything else. Philip getting into all sorts of trouble at school. Worrying me to death the way hes been going on. And Alans been so nice and hes been so kind and helped us out with money and
And then her words were getting quieter again and only coming out broken in half pieces ip ot ans ted ing and I couldnt mend them.
I tried to listen but there was another clock by the spare bed tick tock. It was next to the picture of Grandad which didnt look like Grandad because he was young and all grey. It was an old photograph of old times when everything was grey and smart and his eyes looked sad like he knew his future. Like he knew he was going to end up on the sofa all the time getting thinner because he couldnt eat without being sick.
And in between the clock tick tocking Mum was crying. She was always crying all the time now. I didnt know if the crying was about me or money or Dad. It was about me I think.
I looked out the window and there was nothing just the wall of Next Door.
I felt weird and I said Hello.
I dont know why I just wanted to hear my voice to check I was real but it didnt sound like my voice and the clock was getting louder TICK TOCK TICK TOCK and I got on the bed and lay down and the ceilings swervy circles started spinning round and my skin itched and things you dont think about like breathing in and out I was thinking about like if I stopped thinking about it Id stop breathing and the air was different air like Coke is different to Pepsi it was Cocacola air not Pepsi air and I said Hello again but my voice was still a long way from me.
My heart was doing its funny beating with no stops in it and I thought why am I me why am I not Mum why am I not the ticking clock why am I not a fish why am I not a loaf of bread why am I alive and most people are dead how do I know Im me how do I know Im alive and I thought it must be good to be dead not dead like Dads dead but to be nothing like when you sleep but then I thought it might be a bad sleep with lots of nightmares like the one I had last night when I was trapped in the black box and then my hand started shaking and I was scared why my hand was shaking and I thought I was going to die and I said Mum! Mum! Mum!
Mum came in and opened the door and her eyes were red and she looked at me and said Philip whats the matter?
And far away my voice said I dont know. I feel weird. I dont know my hands shaking.
And she came and felt my head and my heart and sat on the bed next to me and said Its OK its OK Philip youre just in a bit of a panic its OK.
And Nan was a crane fly in the door with her silver front legs and she was saying Dinny chew yourself up lad and Mum said Deep breaths Philip and I said Am I going to die? And she said No which was a lie but I think she meant Not right now and she said Now come on deep breaths and I sucked the Coca-cola air in big gulps and still felt empty and the clock was just getting louder
Going Home
We were on the motorway going home and Mum said Well go to the Doctors tomorrow after school OK? Well take you to see Dr Crawford tomorrow. OK Philip OK?
We went for one mile which was one minute and then I said Yes OK.
And the motorway went on for ever and Mum said Were going to be late. Id better text Nooks and say Ill be too late for the gym.
Mum got the phone out of her left boob pocket and did the text with one hand and the steering wheel with the other hand with her eyes going phone road phone road.
And I thought we could die now we could crash into the barriers and be in a Pile Up and I liked that thought.
I looked out of the window at the 60 miles an hour grass melting past and the other cars going nearly the same speed and Mums car walked past them and we passed a lorry and the driver looked down at me when we went by and then we passed a car and there were two girls two twins in the back but little girls like they were eight.
They waved at me out of the window.
I just looked at them until they stopped waving and then I looked at the dad and the mum in the front seats and they were laughing and the mum was turning round to the twin girls and the dad was saying something. I dont know what he was saying but it was a nice thing like Do you want to go to the Little Chef?
And I looked at the dad and he was wearing a Polo Neck and he had a beard like Emperor Hadrian who had a scar on his face. That is why he had a beard and I wondered if the man had a scar on his face and I wondered if he went Trick or Treating. He saw me looking at him out of the window and I smiled and he smiled at me and I wondered if he would fancy Mum.
I thought he might do. Mum was prettier than the mum in the car. Mum is not as pretty as Mrs Fell but Mrs Fell is the most pretty woman in England probably.
The dad and mum and twins car was turning off now and the man was never going to meet Mum and fall in love with her and kiss her lips and save her from Uncle Alan.
It was not day and not night now it was a mix and we passed a sign that said Newark 42 and Mum said Lets have some music.
She switched on the radio and it was a song and the woman singing had a voice like a duvet that goes round you and warms you up and I looked at Mum and she had tears shining in her eyes and one tear went down her face rubbing out her Make Up and I said Why are you crying? because I wanted to know why she was crying.
And Mum wiped the tear and went in the Slow Lane and said I dont know Philip please I dont know.
I looked out of the window at the purple clouds in the sky going
dark and I closed my eyes and the man like Emperor Hadrian was opening his front door and smiling at his dog and rubbing his hand on the dogs head and the twins ran in the house.
Diazepam
I dont like Dr Crawford.
He is the doctor who made me get my willy half chopped off in the Summer Holidays before Dad died because the skin was too tight when it was thinking about girls. I had to go to hospital and I had to have injections and go to sleep with a nurse counting backwards ten nine eight seven sleep. After the operation I woke up and it was all white like in Heaven but there was pain and I looked inside my pyjamas and there were big stitches like thorns. It wasnt good because I had to walk like a hunchback and not let it touch my pyjama bottoms so I had to hold the elastic really far out like I had an invisible fat stomach. When I went to new school it was still a bit sore but the stitches were out. They just fell out when I used to pick them when I went for wees. In the first week of the new school I had to do Games and it was Rugby so Mr Rosen made us shower. After that Dominic and Jordan called me Helmet because it looks like a helmet on a Roman soldier and Jew Nob and I didnt know why and Dad said Jews have to be Circumsized as well and I said Why? and he didnt know why.
Dr Crawford has glasses. I dont know why he has glasses because he looks over them all the time with his chin in his neck. And Dr Crawford is old. He has lines all over his face like he is a map you cant understand and he said to Mum So whats the matter?
Mum said about my heart beating really fast and my sleep walking and my breathing and my shaking sometimes and my other things and Dr Crawford kept looking at me over his glasses and sitting in his chair with his long crossed legs and nodding fast at Mums words like the words were food and he was a bird eating them.
And when Mum had finished talking Dr Crawford said These are all classic signs of a Panic Disorder which in this case has probably been triggered by the circumsizes of his fathers death.
I dont know if the word was circumsizes but that was what it sounded like.
Mum said Oh.
And he turned his long flamingo legs under his desk and started writing on paper and Mum said Will he be all right?
Dr Crawford said Yes. Im sure hell be all right Mrs Noble. Its just a case of controlling his nervous system and controlling the ADRENALIN that is causing his heart rate to increase.
Mum said I see. So what are they? I mean the pills. Theyre not erm
Dr Crawford said Theyre called DIAZEPAM.
Mum said Are they. You know. Are they. I mean are they OK for children?
Dr Crawford said In the doses I shall be advising yes it is perfectly suitable for children of Philips age.
And Dr Crawford handed Mum the paper and Mum looked at the writing but didnt understand doctor language because only Chemists understand doctor language so she took me over the road to the Chemist and got me the tablets and she said Youll be better now Philip. Youll be right as rain.
Hello.
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Watching TV with Mum
I was in the Living Room with Mum on the settee. She wasnt working behind the bar because she wanted to make sure I was OK. She said in a whisper Have you had your third tablet?
I said Yes.
Uncle Alan was asleep on Dads chair in his blue Garage uniform and he was sleeping like a radio in between the stations sometimes saying words I couldnt hear sometimes nose whistling.
I watched the news with Mum.
Mum didnt like the news. She liked watching Famous People eating insects in the jungle. The news was just on because the remote control was under Uncle Alan and Uncle Alan was asleep.
On TV there was a bomb in IRAQ going off and people were dead. Children and grown ups and other people were running with blood on their faces and crying and screaming at the screen like at us. There was a man who was not screaming and he said The people here on the streets of this city are beginning to fear they are caught in an endless cycle of violence.
Mum held my hand and said Its a horrible world.
And I didnt say anything. I just let my head fall on her shoulder and I could smell Mums hair and her shampoo which is Herbal Essences and it was nice. She kissed the top of my head and I wished it was just me and Mum not Uncle Alan making radio noises and my eyes were tired and the TV was going smudgy like the screen was leaking into the room so the colours of IRAQ were mixing with the red carpet in long thin lines like when Dads Ghost comes.
And I said quiet into her shirt and into her boobs Dont marry him.
But Mum couldnt hear so I said it again Dont marry Uncle Alan.
Mum heard this time and she pushed me off her shoulder and said in a shout whisper Philip stop this. Please stop this.
I said Mum dont go to bed with him. Please Mum dont. He killed.
And then I said it without thinking.
He killed Dad.
And Mum just looked at me and I had made tears in her eyes for the 200th time and she said still whispering but crying Philip why are you being like this? Why are you doing this to me? Why are you saying these horrible things? Why wont you stop Philip? Its endless Philip. Endless.
And I think endless was in her head because the news man said it because she never says endless ever.
I said Dads Ghost comes and sees me and he says Uncle Alan was
And Mum spoke over my words and said Philip stop it. Philip stop it. You have to stop it Philip or theyll take you away Philip. Theyll take you away if you talk about seeing ghosts and if you keep smashing things up Philip. Please Philip. Just try Philip. For me. For me Philip. For me.
And then she stopped talking and stopped crying and wiped her eyes and smudged black on her face from her Make Up because Uncle Alan was waking up and reaching his station and rubbing his lips together and wiping his face with his car engine hands.
Uncle Alan looked at the TV and said Is it still the bloody news?
Mum said Yes it is yes.
Uncle Alan said Have you told him?
I felt Mums body pull its laces.
Mum said No.
Then Mum said We can do it on the 22nd.
I said What?
She said Theres been a cancellation.
I looked at the running people on the screen and they were still screaming.
She said At the Registry Office.
Uncle Alan said Isnt that great?
And I looked at him but the Anger Switch in my brain wasnt working. I kept trying and trying to press it but the only thing I was feeling was tired so I didnt do anything. I just fell asleep on Mums shoulder.
die die die die die die die die die die
die die die die die die die die die
die die die die die die die die
die die die die die die die
die die die die die die
die die die die die
die die die die
die die die
die die
die
The Ticking Days
Tick tock tick tock tick tock tick went the time before the Wedding and Dads Ghost kept telling me to kill Uncle Alan but I didnt know how and my brain was going slower than normal.
I had an idea of putting the rest of the Metallic Sodium in the sugar bowl because Uncle Alan had five sugars in his tea and the mug would be a bomb and explode in his face.
But then I thought this was a bad idea because Mum sometimes made his tea for him and even when she didnt make his tea she was sometimes in the kitchen with him
when he made his tea and she sometimes puts sugar on her Special K so I am going to have to find another way to kill Uncle Alan.
But the days kept tick tock ticking and Dads Ghost said Its the tablets son. Theyre slowing you down. Theres less than a month until the No Time is over. Its 29 days until the 10th of December. 29 days. Even less till the Wedding.
I said I know.
He said Stop taking the tablets Philip. Stop taking them. Theyre making you weak.
Tick tock tick tock tick tock
Theyre making you
Week seven six five four three two one
I said They make me feel better.
Dads Ghost said Stop taking them son. Please. Stop taking them.
Tick tock tick tock tick tock went the days and then I woke up and it was the Wedding morning the 22nd of November.
Mum came into my bedroom and said Have you taken your tablet?
And I said Yes.
But it was a lie.
The Drips and the Drops and the Windsor Knot
Uncle Alan had been in the bath. I could smell his new Salts and I could smell his poo in the toilet. I went in the bath and I just lay there and I wasnt thinking anything I was just listening to the tap go drip drop drip drop drip drop drop.
I kept hearing the voices of Mum and Uncle Alan between the drips and the drops and Uncle Alan was saying I dont scrub up bad if I do say so myself.
Mum said Are my shoes OK? Theyre not too much with the dress? Theyre not too high? Do I look all right?
And Uncle Alan said Like a movie star. Like a magazine.
And then Uncle Alan went past the door and down the stairs whistling what hed been whistling all week.
The whistle was Im getting married in the morning ding dong the bells are going to drip drop drip drop drip drop drip drip drip drop.
And Mum said behind the door Philip love. Philip? Philip?
And I said What?
And she said Weve got to be at the Registry Office half an hour early Philip. How are you getting on?
