by Matt Haig
And I said All right.
And Mum said Ill just go and sort Nan out.
And I stayed in a bit more until the water was cold like the coldest Roman bath which is the Frigidarium which is where Romans went after the Tepidarium warm bath and the Calidarium hot bath and then I got out and dried my body and dried my head under the towel and I liked it under the towel. It was like another world. Like a green towel world that was soft.
Uncle Alan was four hours on the motorway just him and Nan the night before. Nan hates him and Uncle Alan hates Nan but human beings always hate each other and pretend they dont. That is what being a human being is about.
I went out of the bathroom in my green towel like a skirt and I went into my bedroom.
Mum had got my suit out and it was the same suit I had for Dads funeral but with a light white shirt not a dark blue shirt. I looked at the suit on the bed and it looked weird like someone had run over me with a steam roller or turned me flat like paper.
Mum was talking to Nan downstairs but I couldnt hear the words. I put the suit on. I tucked the shirt in after I put the jacket on and that made it hard. My brain was still a bit slow from the tablets but it was speeding up. Then I put the tie on and when I was putting the tie on I wasnt looking in the mirror I was looking at air that had been water where the fish had been melted.
And I saw Gertie swimming in the air. Just Gertie on her own swimming. I tried to touch her but there was nothing there and I went out of the room and stood on the top of the stairs and Uncle Alan was coming up the stairs in elephant steps and he said All right lad?
I said Yes.
He was wearing his tight suit with his neck pouring out.
He said Shall I sort your tie out son?
I said What?
He said Your ties all wonky.
I said Oh.
He said Shall I do you a knot like mine?
I looked at Uncle Alans knot. It was a small triangle upside down and he said Its a Windsor knot.
I said I dont know.
He said Its a special Wedding knot.
I didnt want him to do me a Windsor knot but his big hands were already on my tie and he was undoing it and then he lifted my collars up and I thought he might squeeze the life out of me like Sleepy Eye Terry wanted to and Mum and Nan wouldnt hear. But he didnt.
I saw Dads Ghost on the stairs behind Uncle Alan and I was on the top stair and Uncle Alan was two steps down so I could see over his shoulder and Dads Ghost said Now is the time Philip.
I said What?
Uncle Alan was putting the tie through the knot and he said I didnt say anything.
Dads Ghost said This is your moment Philip. Push him down the stairs Philip. Push with all your strength son.
I said I I I
Uncle Alan said Are you all right son?
Dads Ghost said Kill him kill him now Philip. Before he marries her.
I said I dont want to.
Uncle Alan said Ive nearly finished it now lad.
Dads Ghost said Do it Philip. Do it before its too late.
And I closed my eyes and lifted up my hands and my Dads Ghost said Push him Philip. Push him.
And I was going to push him. I was going to do it. But I heard Mum at the bottom of the stairs and she said Whos that handsome man?
The Wedding
I opened my eyes and Uncle Alan finished off the tie and Dads Ghost wasnt there any more and Mum was wearing a light green dress and two light green shoes and her hair was in slides like it was going inside her head and her face had Make Up on and her eyebrows were like wings of birds when you draw them flying in the sky and her pink lips made her teeth pink as well.
She looked at me and the me she was seeing wasnt the real me who nearly killed Uncle Alan because she was smiling like I was a magic boy. Her eyes were shiny with more tears in them and Nan was there behind with her four legs on the carpet that was blue like a pond.
Nan looked up at me and said Ee what a picture.
Uncle Alan went past me and went into the toilet and shut the door and he started to wee elephant wee.
Mum was two people now. A moving fast person inside a moving slow person. Or a moving slow person inside a moving fast person. I dont know which.
And she said Philip could you start taking Nan to the car?
And then she said Keys keys keys.
I went down the stairs and held onto Nans elbow and her baggy skin with no blood inside it and Nan made a noise like she was hurt just by me touching her elbow.
Sssssssssssss
Mum found the keys and opened the door for me and Nan and went to switch all the lights off and I kept holding Nans arm.
Nan was two people. She was a moving slow person inside a moving very slow person. So I was walking in the smallest Guinness Book of Records steps to the door.
Nan went Ee Aa Ee Aa Ee Aa Ee every time she made a step with her legs or her sticks. When we got to the back door I looked out and guessed it was about ten normal steps to the car and that is 100 Nan steps.
Ee Aa Ee Aa Ee Aa.
I said Were nearly at the car Nan.
She kept looking at the car and laughing at me like I was mad like the car was ten miles away not ten steps away and Grandad used to say that when you get older time gets shorter and walks get longer.
Uncle Alan went past us stroking his suit and making chins and Mum shut the door and clip clopped past like a horse with two legs and Nan said to her Look at me Aa slowing you all down.
Mum said Youre not slowing us down. Were fine for time.
Nan said If you parked a bit Ee closer.
Mum said If you wait there Ill reverse the car.
Nan said I dont want to be any Ee bother pet.
Mum said Its no bother.
Mum got in the car and it went backwards and nearly knocked one of Nans silver sticks over.
Nan laughed and said to me I think theyre trying to finish us off Philip.
I kept holding the skeleton inside her skin and I didnt laugh and the car parked in front of us and I opened the door for Nan and I held her sticks and Uncle Alan said Do you need a hand back there?
And Nan said to me Some new legs would do.
Uncle Alan got out of his side of the car and helped Nan get in the car and Nan going Aa Aa Aa Watch Aa Aa and when her legs were in Uncle Alan took the metal sticks out of my hand and put them on the floor of the car in front of her.
I went round the other side and got in and sat next to her and helped her with her seat belt and she was saying I can do it pet but she couldnt.
Uncle Alan said My seats not too far back is it Philip?
I said No.
I thought he is only nice when Mum is there and then he smiled at Mum with eyes like on TV when people are in love and it made me feel sick like it was semolina in my eyes.
Mum drove to the Registry Office which is on the other side of town and the sky was grey and low down and we went past the houses that are yellow like they are ill and no one was talking. Nan was looking out at the kids and going Ssss like she was a lilo when you let the air out and we went by Players Video and J D Sports and KFC and the Chip shop and Caesars Palace. It isnt Julius Caesars Palace it is a Nightclub which is like Drama club but for people who like Night not Drama and it must be owned by someone called Caesar but not Julius. It might be owned by David Caesar or Brian Caesar or Philip Caesar.
We went past the castle wall and the castle park and the castle tramps with no teeth drinking bottles in bags on the bench. One of them saw me looking at him and his eyes stayed on me like they were trying to give me something but I didnt know what. We passed the Chinese and the Purple Door Club where Dad went once and Mum screamed at him I dont know why and Bottoms Up and the woman who shouts about God and Les Miserable walking out of Ladbrokes and we were behind a horse in a box. It was not a posh village Ra Ra horse it was a Traveller horse going left to Toney Lane where all the big gold caravans and the Travellers and the hard kids live who dont
go to normal school and who can beat up anyone even Dane with their fists and big rings and we went on going past Morrisons and past all the houses and then we got there we got to the Registry Office and Newark stopped moving fast.
The Registry Office looks like nothing.
It is just a building with red bricks that you dont notice. This is on purpose so God doesnt notice and so he doesnt put lightning out of his fingers and kill the people who get married again who lied to him in the church.
Mum parked very close to the door so it wasnt far for Nan. There was a two metres tall woman at the door in a suit which was maroon and the woman said when we got out Alan and Carol?
Mum said Yes thats us.
The woman was as tall as Uncle Alan and she said We spoke on the phone. Im Angela. The Registrar.
There was a step and Nan looked at the step and a far away storm went on in her head and Angela the Registrar bent down one metre and smiled at Nan like she was a cat and she said to Nan Hello duckie do you want a wheelchair?
Nan said No pet I dont need a wheelchair.
So me and Uncle Alan helped her up the step and she went Aa Aa Aa and Mum said with crossness inside her voice but pink lips smiling at Angela the Registrar Are you sure you dont want a wheelchair Mum?
And when we got inside there was a hall and four doors and chairs in between the doors and a smelly carpet. Me and Nan sat on two chairs and no one else was there because we were early and Nan was still unflating Ssss.
Mum and Uncle Alan went to talk to Angela the Registrar and Angela the Registrar said Right if I could have your passports.
Sssssss
Mum went in her light green bag and got out two passports and Angela the Registrar said Smashing. If I could have your birth certificates.
Sssssss
Mum gave her the birth certificates and Angela the Registrar said Smashing. Right. If I could have evidence of your address E G a bill or your driving
Sssssss
Mum gave her a piece of paper and Angela the Registrar looked at it and said Smashing and then she looked at Mum and said And do you have a death certificate for your late husband?
Why are dead people late people? Dad isnt late hes early. Hes in front of everyone whos still alive because you dont start off dead you start off nothing and then you are alive and then you are dead. So it goes
Nothing
Alive
Dead
and if you are dead when you are 41 that is early not late.
Mum gave Angela the Registrar the death certificate. It was just a bit of paper and Angela the Registrar looked at it and said Smashing.
And then people started coming.
There was Renuka who saw me and made noises because I was in a suit and Carla the Barmaid who was playing with her earrings and looking cross and moving in her suit like it had itching powder in it. She said to Ross and Gary Behave you two.
They were doing dead arms.
Ross said All right Philster?
And Gary said Is that your Nan? like Nan had no ears.
I said Yes.
Ross said Is she 100?
I said No.
Gary said Is she older than 100?
Ross said Is she 120?
I said No.
They said What older?
And I said No.
Nan said Ssssss.
Gary said 119?
And then Angela the Registrar went in one of the doors and everyone followed her like she was the Pied Piper going to the river.
The room had green stripey wallpaper and rows of chairs and a ceiling that was getting lower and lower and a carpet that was thick like grass and sinking my feet.
I was between Nan and Renuka on the second row and they were the only grown ups in the room I was taller than and I was feeling weird like my brain was going too fast and I wished Id had my tablet.
Angela the Registrar nodded her high head and made wide eyes at a man at the end of the room and said Derek music and some Derek music came on.
Then she said Derek and the music stopped.
Angela the Registrar looked at Uncle Alan and Mum standing there and Renuka came up in a whisper saying Doesnt your Mum look beautiful Philip?
I looked at Mums bare back over her dress and her bare neck and I said Yes.
She said I bet youre proud.
I said nothing.
And Angela the Registrar pressed her hands together and said Id like to start by welcoming you all to
He was there standing behind. Dads Ghost.
He said You have to stop this Philip.
Angela the Registrar said If any persons present know of any lawful impediment why Alan and Carol may not be joined together in matrimony please speak now.
Dads Ghost said Say something Philip. Tell them about Uncle Alan. Tell them the truth Philip. The truth.
Angela the Registrar looked at Uncle Alan and said If you can say after me.
He said after her I do solemnly declare that I know not of any lawful impediment why I Alan Peter Noble may not be joined in matrimony to Carol Suzanne Noble.
And then Mum said it and put more Nobles in the room.
I do Noble why I Noble know not Noble may not Noble in Noble to Noble Noble Noble.
Dads Ghost was screaming No! No! No!
And the ceiling was getting low low low and the carpet was growing grow grow grow and I looked behind and saw all the other faces looking at Uncle Alan and Mums backs and then it happened the big blue giant and the little green Mum turned to each other and the words came out of him into Mums eyes.
I call upon these persons here present to witness that I Alan Peter Noble do take thee Carol Suzanne Noble to be my lawful wedded wife and Nan went Ssssss and Renuka touched her eye and went Awwwww and Dads Ghost looked at Mum and said Dont do it dont say it dont say it I still love you please and Mum smiling up into Uncle Alans face I call upon these persons here present Dont do it witness that I Carol Suzanne Noble Awwwww do take thee Alan I still Peter love you No to be my lawful wedded husband Sssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss
I am dizzy and I blink and I am in the car park holding Nans elbow and Uncle Alan in front lifting Mum up and taking her in the door like the Romans did and Mum laughing and Uncle Alan laughing and Nan looking at me with her eyes like little milk plates for a cat to drink and her mouth with no lips saying It wont Aa last son it wont last.
The Garage
Dads Ghost said They get worse. The Terrors. They get much worse.
I said I know. Im going to do it today. Im going to let you Rest In Peace.
I put the last of my weapons the MAGNESIUM GRANULES in my bag and I waited for Dads Ghost to fade into the air and then I went to school.
I didnt want to go out at the breaks so I stayed in the school library and read Horrible Histories and after school I didnt go home straight away I walked through the quiet roads and past all the windows and some had Christmas trees and Angels in them and then I got to a shop which was called LONDIS.
It was a shop I never went to so no one would see me and I said Can I have a box of matches?
And the woman was sitting on a chair and reading Heat which is the magazine Renuka always takes for Mum. The woman was pale like a dead Guppy and I wondered if you cut her if she would bleed white blood.
She looked up from the magazine like she didnt have the strength to get the matches. Like the magazine was a colour magnet sucking out her colour. She said Bonfire Night was weeks ago.
I said I know.
She said Youre too young to smoke.
I said I dont want cigarettes. Just matches.
She got off her chair and turned round and got the matches like it was the biggest job in the world and I paid with my dinner money.
The matches were called Vestas.
Vesta is the Roman god of fire and the Vestal Virgins kept a flame going for ever in a temple which was round.
I put the matches in my pocket and the pale woman went back inside h
er magazine and I went outside and walked to the Garage.
It was nearly dark and the day shadows were nearly rubbed out by the night but there were some shadows from the street lamp that flickered like a ghost.
The Garage was on its own. There were no shops or anything near it. Only the Tech. But not the main entrance to the Tech just the fence. The Garage was near the middle of town but not on a main street. It was off the corner of a street like an L like it was hiding.
The L street had no name because there was no sign but it was near Friary Road where the Tech is and where the park is where people walk dogs.
And the Garage had two doors there was a big door that was like a big wooden wall and there was a door inside the door that was a normal door and the doors were both closed so it was all wooden planks going down but the lines round the little door were light so there was someone in.
I got the Magnesium out of my bag and I put the granules in a line on the ground by the door and they were bright even though it was getting darker and darker.
I felt in my pocket for the matches and I got them out. I tried to look through the crack in the door to see inside the Garage because I didnt want to kill any customers or Sleepy Eye Terry I just wanted to kill Uncle Alan.
I saw a shadow go past but I couldnt tell if it was Uncle Alans shadow. And then I heard Dads Ghost behind me.
He knew what I was thinking and he said Its only him Philip. Its only Uncle Alan. Hes the only one there. All the customers are gone. Thats why the doors are shut.
I looked round and Dads Ghost was standing in front of the wire fence of the Tech and he said Theres no one else.
His voice said Do it Philip.
Do it.
Do it.
Do it.
Light the match.
Light it Philip.
Go on.
Light it.
The Land of Nod
There were 200 tongues coming from mouths under the ground licking the wood and I looked at it for a minute and my face was hot and I couldnt see Dads Ghost but he said Run.
