He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not

by Iris Morland

  I sipped my coffee. “Long enough.”

  He grimaced. “Sorry. Got up late. I’m glad you agreed to meet me, though.” He took in my appearance—old jeans, no makeup, my hair in a messy bun—and said, “You look beautiful.”

  I glared at him. “I’m not here for compliments.”

  “I know. But I’m here to give them to you. Or at least tell you why I fucked up so badly.” He sighed. “You’re still angry, I know, but I realized that I’d made a huge mistake. Samantha—she was never anything to me. She was just a distraction.”

  “I’m not really interested in hearing about her.”

  “I know, I know. I’m doing this all wrong.” David pushed his fingers through his hair. “I was never good at words. You know that.”

  “You seem to have enough of them right now.”

  He looked at me with narrowed eyes. “Since when did you get so cynical?”

  Excellent question. Or maybe the true question was: why had I been so naive before?

  “In case you haven’t noticed,” I said with a sigh, “I’ve had to grow up since you dumped me and canceled our wedding. Time passed for me just like it did for you.”

  “Of course it did. I know that.” David went silent for a long moment. “I’m not trying to justify what I did. It was wrong. I made the choice, and I realized only later that I destroyed the best thing in my life. You were the greatest thing I had in my life, and I was an idiot to let you go.”

  David reached over to take my hand, but I wouldn’t let him. Good lord, I did not have time for this.

  “What are you saying?”

  He leaned closer to me. “I want you back, Mari. I love you.”

  Those words were an arrow to my heart, but not because of who had said them. Liam had tried to say last night—what? That he loved me? No, he didn’t love me. He was blinded by amazing sex. He’d thank me later.

  We’d made a plan, and we’d stick to that plan. I already knew what happened when I let myself love a man: I got hurt. Things ended. If I could thank David for anything, it was showing me that bit of harsh life advice.

  I sighed, returning to the task at hand.

  “I appreciate the apology, but it’s over. You ended it, and you betrayed me, David. That’s not something I’m going to ever forget. I might forgive, but I can’t trust you again.”

  My mind went back to those dark days after I’d found out about David’s betrayal. That old familiar anger bubbled inside me and kept me from feeling sorry for him.

  I continued, “Not only did you cheat on me, but you made me have to tell our friends and family that our wedding was off. Do you know how humiliating that was? To get the phone calls and texts that tried to sound supportive but were just full of pity?” My voice hardened with each word. “Do you know that my grandmother called to give me advice on how to get you back. ‘Did you nag him too much, my dear? Men don’t like that. I’m not surprised he strayed.’”

  “I take responsibility for my actions,” he said, his forehead creased, “but you can’t say that you had absolutely nothing to do with it, either. You were never the warmest person. Sometimes I wondered if I ever really knew you, or if you even liked me.”

  A brutal niggle of self-doubt bit me right in the heart, damn him. Had I driven him to another woman’s arms without realizing it? Was Liam right—I was too much of a coward to take a risk and thus drove people away? God, I wanted to throw up.

  “I don’t think I knew you either,” I said quietly.

  “Then why be upset? According to you, we were better off apart.”

  That tiny voice went up in a puff of smoke, transformed into a cold anger. Taking a deep breath, I stabbed the knife further into David’s heart. He’d already done it to me—I could at least return the courtesy. I wasn’t Mari with her head in the clouds anymore. I was cynical, and I was ruthless.

  “I’m already with someone else.”

  I’d rejected that someone else last night, but David didn’t need to know that.

  David’s face paled. He was already pale, but this made him look like he was going to faint. The thought of my ex swooning at my feet was enough to make me start laughing hysterically.

  “Who is it? Do I know him?” he said.

  “Probably not.”

  I expected David to slink away, tail between his legs. To my shock, he took my hand and wouldn’t let it go.

  “I love you, Mari. I screwed up, but I’m willing to fight to get you back. You’re the only woman I’ll ever love.”

  His grip was surprisingly firm. “Maybe you should’ve thought about that before you had sex with another woman in our bed.”

  “I know. I know, you’re right. I’m sorry. What can I do to get you to take me back?”

  “You’re assuming I want you back.”

  “Just give me a chance to explain. That’s it. You don’t have to make a decision one way or the other right this second. But at least consider it. Please?”

  But then David leaned over and kissed me, the jerk. Before I could react, Liam suddenly appeared like a bat out of hell. If a bat were over six feet tall of rugged, pissed-off Irishman.

  And then before I knew it, Liam had tackled David and they were battling it out right in front of me.

  “Battling” was a bit of a misnomer, however. David was currently on the ground while Liam swore something in Gaelic that probably amounted to I’m gonna kill you, you little shite as Liam pummeled him. I wasn’t on the up and up with murderous Gaelic statements, however. Maybe it was more like, let’s go drink some beer down at the pub after this.

  A man came up to me. “Are they fighting?” He was wearing running gear and was slick with sweat. He was running in place as he watched Liam push David’s face into the grass. “Or are they just wrestling?”

  “I think they’re fighting,” I said. “It’s just that one of them doesn’t know how.”

  “Should we call the police?”

  I tilted my head to the side and sighed when David managed to hit Liam on the jaw.

  “No. I’ll take care of these two.”

  Before sitting down on this bench to wait for David, I’d bought a large coffee that I’d barely touched. So, luckily for me, I had that at my disposal to dump on two of the stupidest human beings in existence.

  The coffee had cooled, but it was enough that Liam sputtered and David had a chance to scramble away. He was covered in grass stains, his glasses askew. Liam, for his part, looked barely rumpled.

  “Jesus Christ, what the hell?” said Liam as he stood up, coffee staining his shirt. “The bloody hell did you do that for?” His Irish accent had emerged to the full degree, and if I weren’t so pissed at him, I would’ve found it sexy.

  “What the hell am I doing? What the hell are you doing? You can’t just attack people in the middle of a park!”

  “I can when they’re pawing at my wife!”

  David kept looking back and forth between us. When Liam said wife, David’s mouth dropped open. “You’re married?”

  Liam sneered. “She neglected to tell you that, did she?”

  “Oh my God.” I turned to David and said, “Will you get out of here? Wait—give me my palette.”

  David looked like he had no idea what I was talking about. Finally, he muttered something under his breath, tossed me my palette, and took off jogging. I’d never seen David move that quickly before.

  Liam swiped his hand over his face. “What the fuck was that? Why did you agree to meet with that rat bastard?”

  “If you’d stop yelling at me, I’d tell you.”

  “You seriously go from my bed last night to another man’s this morning?”

  “We’re in a public park, not a hotel!”

  Liam pulled me into his arms, his breath hot against my face.

  “You’re married to me. Did you forget me stripping you out of your wedding gown and fucking you like a good little wife last night? I was the one who made you scream, not him.”

  I
gaped up at him. “Are you serious right now?”

  “Do I look like I’m joking?”

  We stared each other down, both of us breathing hard. I didn’t care that passersby were pointing at us, whispering under their breaths about the drama unfolding in the middle of the park.

  “Why did you come here to meet him?” Liam dug his fingers into my upper arms. “Why, Mari?”

  It was so stupid now, coming here for a bit of eyeshadow, but I had a feeling that hadn’t been why I’d agreed. Because I’d wanted David to beg? Because Liam had tried to make me think we could make this real and I’d known better? But Liam’s anger, his impulsiveness, just served to remind me that any relationship we’d have would be messy and unpredictable. And then when Liam got bored, then what?

  I’d be alone again. I’d be the girl left to pick up the pieces, just like with my mom and with David.

  I pulled myself from his arms. “You don’t control me. This isn’t real! It never has been!”

  “You’re lying to yourself and to me. Tell me you don’t love me.”

  I stared at him in shock. I was about to deny my feelings, but it was then that I realized I did love him.

  I loved him, and I knew I could never have him.

  Losing David had been shitty. Losing Liam? That would be brutal. I felt my heart already breaking inside me.

  “You can’t answer me.” Liam looked triumphant. “Because you care more than you’ll admit.”

  “Have you listened to what you’re saying? First I’m getting back with my ex, now I’m in love with you. Which is it? Because clearly I don’t know, either.”

  “Because you don’t know what you want. And I bet you’re so afraid of feeling something for me you thought you could make yourself feel better by seeing the man who never demanded anything of you.”

  Liam forced me to look into his eyes. “You care,” he said quietly. “I can see it in your eyes. But you won’t take the risk.”

  All I had now was my tattered pride. I pulled it around myself like a mantle. “You don’t know a damn thing about me. Now let me go.”

  Liam’s expression hardened. “Such an ice queen. No wonder David cheated on you, with a woman that cold in his bed.”

  I slapped him. I’d never slapped anyone in my entire life. Not even David, even though he’d deserved it.

  “This is over,” I said. “I want a divorce.”

  I didn’t let the tears fall until I got inside my car. Then I leaned my forehead against the steering wheel and sobbed.

  Chapter Twenty-One

  Mari

  You’d think by now I’d know what to do after a breakup. Buy some Ben and Jerry’s, watch sad movies, cry a while. Feel sorry for myself, definitely. I’d done all of that after I’d found out David was cheating on me.

  But this? This was a million times worse. This felt like my entire heart had been ripped out, stomped on, and thrown to the crows to eat.

  Worst of all, the world kept turning. I still had to go to work. I still had to act like I wasn’t completely dead inside, because then I’d have to admit to everyone how much I still loved my husband. Yet I was so angry with him that I wasn’t sure if I’d slap him or hug him if I saw him again.

  At the moment, I was staying with Dani and Jacob. When I’d shown up at their door that afternoon after my epic fight with Liam, bags in hand and sobbing, Dani hadn’t asked any questions. She’d bustled me inside, made me a cup of tea with a large shot of either brandy or whiskey, and had let me tell my story when I’d been ready.

  “Have you heard anything from him?” said Dani. It was two weeks after my breakup, and Dani had somehow persuaded me to go out with her and Kate for dinner.

  I stared at my gin and tonic, swirling the ice around the glass.

  “No. And I haven’t contacted him except to ask him to let me into the apartment so I could get most of my stuff.”

  “But he hasn’t filed for divorce?” said Dani.

  “Not that I’m aware of.” I’d been meaning to talk to a lawyer, but every time I’d picked up my phone to call the one Jacob had recommended, I’d hesitated. I told myself I didn’t have the emotional strength to deal with that right this second.

  “So you’re just going to stay married to him forever?” said Kate, in that voice that said that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard. “At least if you divorce, you’ll get money out of him.”

  “That was the deal, actually. We’d stay married until his sister got her inheritance. Now…” I shrugged. “I don’t know what’ll happen.”

  “You can’t just let this go on indefinitely,” said Dani.

  “Sure, I can. I’ll just ignore it,” I joked, but it fell flat, like a dead fish tossed onto the table.

  Did I feel guilty that I’d potentially screwed Niamh out of her inheritance? Yes, and no. Liam wasn’t innocent in all of this, either.

  Kate and Dani looked at each other. Something passed between my two younger sisters. Normally, as the oldest, I’d demand to know what it was, but I didn’t want to know.

  In all of this, I discovered that sometimes it was simply easier to remain ignorant. Ignorance hurt less.

  Dani cleared her throat. “Mari, I actually asked you out because we need to be honest with you. I’m happy to let you stay at my place for however long you want, but watching you just suffer and not try to move forward—”

  “It’s dumb,” interjected Kate.

  I barely reacted to Kate’s words. I didn’t care that it was dumb. What did it matter?

  “It’s not dumb, but it isn’t like you, either,” said Dani, shooting a glare at Kate. “You aren’t the type to sit passively by. Either you’re getting a divorce or you’re going to fix your marriage. You can’t just let this sit and rot.”

  The first stirrings of anger since that day in the park bloomed inside me. “How would you even know?” I countered, looking at both of my sisters. “You have no idea what I’ve gone through.”

  “We would if you’d tell us,” said Kate under her breath.

  Hadn’t I already told them all about my Vegas wedding, my bargain with Liam? I hadn’t kept anything from them. They knew the entire sordid tale by now.

  “It’s just that this whole thing…” Dani sighed. “You aren’t acting like the Mari we know. That’s all. And we hate to see you so sad and brokenhearted. Don’t you want to pick up the pieces?”

  “It’s been two weeks,” I said.

  “Long enough to know what your next move will be.”

  I’d just picked up my drink, and I found myself slamming it back onto the table in frustration. Both Dani and Kate jumped.

  It was as if a dam had burst. A river overflowing. A cup overturned. Whatever water metaphor suited your fancy.

  “You don’t have any idea, do you? Because I’ve always been the one protecting you two,” I said.

  My sisters looked gobsmacked. Kate had a French fry halfway to her mouth as she stared at me.

  “What are you talking about?” said Dani.

  I let out a breath. “When Mom left, I kept that from you two because I was the oldest. To you guys, things have always been safe and secure. I know better. I know that there is no such thing.”

  I swallowed, a lump in my throat. “And Liam? He just proved it to me a hundred times over. So, no, I’m not doing anything because, to me, it seems pointless to keep this charade going. What’s the point of giving your heart away when your mom, your ex-boyfriend, and then your husband just end up leaving you?”

  Both Dani and Kate stared at me like I’d sprouted horns. Then Kate blurted, “Mom left? When? For how long?”

  Dani was white. “Did Mom and Dad almost get divorced?”

  I sighed, realizing I’d have to explain myself now. I told them both of Mom leaving, and how I’d been the one to take care of them both. Kate had only been a baby, but Dani’s eyes widened as she realized that those two weeks when Mom had been gone had been for an entirely different reason.

&nbs
p; “Why did you keep that to yourself?” said Dani. Her eyes were shining with tears. “You shouldn’t have kept that burden.”

  Kate had crossed her arms over her chest, saying nothing. That was a first. But it didn’t last long.

  “So let me get this straight,” said Kate. She had her fork in her hand, and she pointed it toward me. “Because other people have fucked up around you, you believe it’s because you’re unlovable and that people will always leave? That makes zero sense.”

  I blushed. “It’s more complicated than that.”

  “Doesn’t sound like it.”

  “I don’t really need my teenage sister lecturing me,” I shot back.

  “Maybe you do, because obviously I’m the smartest one here. Look, you can wallow and be a big dingus-face if you want, but then you’ll be unhappy forever and I’d hate that because I’d never want to be around you again. Put on your big girl panties, Mari. Life is scary and sometimes you need to take a risk. And yeah, sometimes people leave. But Mom came back, didn’t she?”

  Both Dani and I were staring at our little sister. Then Dani started laughing, breaking the tension.

  “What’s so funny?” I muttered.

  “I don’t know. Everything. Nothing. The fact that our baby sister is so wise now. But then in an hour she’ll probably do something stupid and everything will return to normal,” said Dani.

  Kate snorted. “That’s just uncalled for.”

  “Didn’t you tell me that you got caught sneaking a goose into your dorm room to prank your roommate?” said Dani.

  “Oh no, we didn’t get caught until after Bethany had screamed when she’d found the goose.” Kate grinned evilly. “That’s what happens when you take credit for a project you didn’t do any work for.”

  “Poor girl,” I said, but Kate just shrugged. More than likely, this Bethany probably deserved the goose invasion.

  Most of all, I wanted to continue to stew in my own hurt. I wanted to wallow. I wanted to make myself the victim.

  But that was easy, wasn’t it?

  “I’m still in love with him,” I moaned, covering my face with my hands.