by Quinn Ward
Last night, he and I had spent a quiet evening on his couch and he’d reminded me of the man he saw when he looked at me, trying to push away my insecurities. As I greeted my guests, I ran through the list of adjectives he’d given me, almost like a mantra. I could do this.
Three hours later I was mentally exhausted. The entire time I was dealing with the private party, I kept waiting for something to go sideways. I was so used to being the screwup that it felt like an inevitability something had to happen. While I was relieved the party had gone off without a hitch, and the group of elderly women all praised me as they left, the entire experience left me drained.
As soon as the private dining room was empty, Tony and Frankie appeared, offering to help me clean up so I could get out of there.
“Care to tell us about the sexy little nerd sitting in the bar asking for you?” Tony asked, bumping his shoulder against mine. I clamped my eyes shut, praying my stupid tendency to blush wouldn’t betray me.
“He’s a friend,” I told them. Both of my brothers chuckled. I wasn’t fooling anyone. I could either double down and insist I was telling them the truth or I could come clean. Tony and Frankie were the least judgmental of my brothers. They told me repeatedly all they wanted was for me to be happy. I could do this. Plus, once Frankie knew what was going on, maybe I could ask him for some pointers in the sex department.
I set down the bus tub I’d been loading, my eyes darting toward the door to make sure Mama wasn’t hanging around eavesdropping again. “Okay, don’t say anything to anyone else about this, but that’s Levi.”
“Let me guess,” Frankie interrupted. “He’s the reason you haven’t been staying at home recently?” I nodded. “And you don’t want us to say anything because this relationship is new, not because you’re ashamed of what the two of you are doing?”
My eyes nearly bugged out of my head. I rested my palms against the table, closing my eyes yet again as I tried to convince myself Frankie didn’t actually know anything. He had to be talking about the fact I was with a man, not anything to do with what I did with said man.
Frankie pulled out a chair and pushed me into it. “Teo, no one’s going to judge you. If I had to guess, I’d say the two of you have been seeing one another for almost a month, right?”
I nodded, unable to speak around the lump in my throat. Sometimes, it was hard to believe it’d been a month already, and the rest of the time it felt like we’d known one another forever. All I knew was the anticipation of seeing Levi at the end of every day helped me stay focused, and when I was with him, everything felt right in my world.
“Buddy, you have to know at this point no one’s going to think less of you for getting involved with the dude,” Tony pointed out. He flipped the chair next to mine around and sat, resting his forearms against the back of the chair.
“It’s not that,” I argued. This was my moment of truth. I’d heard Freddie talk about the moment he realized he was tired of keeping secrets from the family, and I finally understood what he was saying. Maybe I shouldn’t have been so worried about talking to my brothers about this. Over the past two years, they’d proven nothing could change how we felt about one another. It was hard for me to put into words my life before Levi and after. It sounded crazy, even now, that I could’ve gone from sexually dead inside to wishing I had the courage to go all the way with the man who’d brought me to life.
“Then tell us how it is,” Frankie urged, taking the chair to my right and mirroring Tony’s position. “Whatever’s going on, you don’t have to face it alone. Let me ask you just one question; does the sexy nerd make you happy?”
“His name’s Levi,” I said a bit more insistently than necessary. It didn’t matter that the first thing I’d noticed about Levi when we met was his trendy glasses or how he made jeans and graphic tees look like high fashion; I didn’t want my brothers thinking of him that way.
“Okay.” Frankie held up his hands in surrender. “Does Levi make you happy?”
“Absolutely,” I responded without hesitation. I felt the smile playing at the corners of my lips and didn’t try to hide it from my brothers this time. “And that’s what’s so confusing to me. I always heard how you guys and your buddies talked about this hot girl, that hot girl–”
“Okay, but in my defense, I was doing it more to keep anyone from figuring out the truth than anything else,” Frankie pointed out. “In reality, I was checking out the guys but couldn’t say anything to anyone. So believe me, I understand what it’s like.”
“No, you don’t.” I rested my head on the edge of the table. One thing I’d learned with Levi was it was sometimes easier to have these conversations when I wasn’t looking at the other person. It was bad enough imagining how they’d react without having to see the confusion or hurt painted all over their faces. “At least you looked at people and found them attractive. It was always different for me. I could appreciate if someone was aesthetically pleasing, but it never did anything for me, if you know what I mean.”
“Are you saying you’re asexual? Because if you are, that’s totally cool too.” Tony placed a hand at the center of my back, not moving it, just allowing the weight of his hand to provide a subtle reassurance he was still there with me.
“I never really thought of it in any sort of way, but yeah, I suppose if I’d been forced to label myself, that’s where I would’ve fit.” Or at least I did until Levi came barreling in my life and turned everything on end. “But now I’m not so sure. I was actually getting to a point where I was okay thinking I’d never find anyone. I didn’t see what the big deal was with sex, never felt like something was missing in my life because I hadn’t had it.”
Until Levi. Now, all I could think about when I wasn’t busy trying to stay focused on other things was how badly I wanted Levi to test my limits. So far, we hadn’t gotten any further than swapping blowjobs. Now, I wanted more. If I was being honest, I wanted it all.
“You do realize you’re totally normal, right?” Frankie asked, adding his hand just below Tony’s. “You’re not the only person in the world who’s attracted to people for reasons other than just sexual desire.”
Yeah, but how many of those people got off on calling their partner Daddy, having him lay out clothes in the morning, buying special plates and cups to keep in their kitchen, etc.? No matter what Frankie said, normal only went so far in my situation. But that was a conversation for another day. Right now, I wanted to get my work done and get back to Levi’s house where everything made sense.
I stood, determined to whip the private dining room into shape, when Frankie grabbed the bus tub before I could reach for it. “Why don’t you get out of here? Tony and I can take care of this. And since the private party was your only ticket for the day, I’ll cash you out and leave your tip in an envelope in the safe. If I’m not here tomorrow morning when you get in, Tony will grab it for you.”
“Thanks for the offer, but it’s my responsibility to clean up after the party.” They wouldn’t have made this offer to any of the other servers, and I didn’t want preferential treatment because I was their baby brother. “It won’t take me too long. I already figured out a system to make it go faster.”
Yet another sliver of Levi’s influence on me; no matter what we were doing, he’d been working with me to make plans before I started to help me keep everything organized. In this case, I grabbed two bus tubs, one for the plates and the other for glasses and flatware.
“Let us do this for you,” Tony urged. “You don’t want to keep your sexy little nerd waiting, do you?”
He smirked at me as I opened my mouth to correct him and demand he use Levi’s name, and I knew my brother was messing with me. Honestly, no, I didn’t want to keep Daddy waiting. I wanted to go home and color while he made dinner for us, just like he did every night. I couldn’t explain why I needed Levi’s care so badly tonight, but I did.
Rather than argue with my brothers, I handed over my wet rag and hugged each of th
em, relieved they knew at least a little of my secret. I almost made it to the door when Frankie called my name. “When you decide it’s time to tell Mama and the rest of the family, we’ve got your back.”
“Thanks.” I choked back my emotions, not wanting to tear up and have Daddy ask what was wrong. For once, everything felt right.
9
Levi
Teo hadn’t taken the news of my impending trip well at all. I should’ve known better than to tell him this morning, but after I’d received the text message from Denny saying he needed me to go out of town overnight with him, I couldn’t hold the information back from Teo. It felt too much like lying, which was one thing I’d promised him I would never do. All day, I’d been racking my brain trying to come up with ways to help him get through the absence.
When Teo and I had first started fooling around, I hadn’t expected things to get so heavy so fast. In the past, I’d been with partners who wanted a very clear delineation between the time we spent in the dynamic and what they referred to as normal life. If it were feasible, I got the impression Matteo would be perfectly content being little all the time.
I sat at the bar nursing a soda while I waited for Matteo to get done with work. He’d been worried about today, and we’d spent much of last night cuddled up on the couch with me reassuring him he’d be fine. I turned my head when I felt Matteo’s presence behind me. He reached out, withdrawing almost as soon as his hand met the small of my back. I ignored the sting of rejection, reminding myself Matteo was new to relationships in general and we were at his family’s restaurant.
“Hey, Angel,” I greeted him. My eyes darted around the room to see if anyone was watching us. Reassured we were alone, I slid my hand around Matteo’s waist and drew him closer to me. “Everything okay today?”
To his credit, Matteo didn’t back away from me this time. Instead I felt his body relax, and he took a step closer so his legs pressed against the side of my thigh. “I made it through. Glad it’s over.”
“Did something go wrong?” I reached up, tucking the hair that always fell in front of Teo’s face behind his ear. He smiled softly, pressing his cheek into my palm.
“No, they seemed happy when they left. I used the notebook you gave me to keep lists of what I needed to do. And I took extra time to think about what I needed to do before jumping into action.”
“I’m proud of you, Angel. I knew you’d be amazing.” The bartender reappeared, and I allowed Matteo to step away from me. I waved her down, asking what I owed for the soda. When she told me it was on the house, I tried arguing, but Matteo tapped my thigh, shaking his head slightly as if begging me to let the subject go.
“Did you need to stop by your place to pick up anything for tonight or tomorrow?” Matteo and I hadn’t talked about his living arrangements, but I trusted he had his reasons for not telling me. Even the first night we’d spent together, he’d insisted I drive him straight to work, telling me he had a spare change of clothes in the break room. The problem was, if I had to go out of town in two days I didn’t want to waste a single minute with my boy. I knew he didn’t have to work tomorrow, and I’d cleared my schedule so I could devote the entire day to his needs.
Matteo fidgeted with his bottom lip as he followed me to the front door. His shoulders slumped as if he’d lost whatever mental battle he was having with himself. “Have you ever wondered why I don’t invite you to my house?”
I slid my hand into Matteo’s, lacing our fingers together once we were outside the restaurant. I knew he wasn’t comfortable with displays of affection inside where his family might see, but I couldn’t wait any longer for some sort of physical connection to him. I blamed Teo for this new obsession of mine because I knew how tactile he was and would do just about anything to make him happy.
“Honestly, Angel, it’s not something I’ve given much thought to,” I told him. “While I would love to see where you live, I promised I’d never push you to do anything you weren’t ready for, and I wasn’t only talking about sex.”
Teo ducked his head, bumping it against my shoulder the way he did whenever he was embarrassed. Part of me got a thrill out of watching his reactions. He stood up straight again, although his shoulders were still slumped forward a bit.
“I know, but I feel bad because we’re spending all this time together, but only at your place. The thing is… Okay, so I understand this probably makes me seem pathetic, but I still live at home with Mama.”
“And why would that make you pathetic?” I slid my hand to Matteo’s ass and gave him a pinch. Over the past few weeks, he’d gotten better about belittling himself, but I wasn’t going to let him backslide now. “And what did I tell you about talking bad about yourself?”
“You said not to,” he responded, his voice barely above a whisper. “I’m sorry, Daddy.”
I couldn’t remember the last time I’d heard Matteo call me by name. It couldn’t have been since the third or fourth day I’d picked him up from work in the afternoon and brought him back to my house.
“You’re forgiven,” I reassured him. “But as I was saying, you living at home doesn’t make you pathetic. First of all, you’re young. A lot of people your age haven’t moved out on their own yet. Plus, I’ve heard the way you talk about your mama and I’d imagine part of the reason you haven’t found a place of your own yet is because you don’t want her all alone.”
“I guess you’re right.” Matteo didn’t sound convinced. What he failed to realize was how much time I spent listening to what he meant more than the words he said. He had an extremely tender heart and didn’t want to see anyone else hurting. Being the only child who was still living at home when his father died, I imagined it was even harder for him to leave the nest than it was for the other boys.
The little glimpses I’d gotten of the Marino family made me envious because it was something I’d never had. I hadn’t had a bad home life, but we were a group of strangers with nothing more in common than a shared genetic bond. “Now that you’ve told me, is there anything you need from your place? I’m planning on doing nothing other than spending time with you until I leave, and I don’t want to waste time having to get dressed and drive across town because you realized you needed something.”
Matteo grimaced, and I thought about what I’d just said. I was an idiot sometimes. “That came out wrong. I’m sorry. Once we get back to my place, I’d rather spend time with you than have to come back down here because you need something.”
“And you don’t think it’s weird if I bring some stuff to keep it at your place?”
Maybe it should’ve seemed odd how much of Matteo’s stuff occupied my space, but like everything else with him, it felt right. I liked seeing traces of him when I got up to take a break from editing photos or responding to the emails Denny forwarded for me to handle.
“Does that worry you, Angel?” He nodded. “I suppose it might seem odd to some people, but those people don’t matter. If I had my way, all your things would be at my place. I’m not trying to push you, but I want you to know where my head is at. Yes, things have progressed quickly between us, but we also connected on a level most people don’t understand. And it’s easier for me to take care of you when we’re together.”
Matteo waited at the side of the car until I opened his door. We’d come to an agreement that I wouldn’t buckle his belt unless we were at my place because he still worried someone would see him and think he was incapable of taking care of himself. Slowly, we were trying to work on how much he considered what others thought about our relationship.
“I hope it doesn’t upset you if I say I’m not ready to live together yet.” When Matteo started chewing on his fingernails, I swatted his hand away from his face. Bile rose in my throat as I wondered yet again if I was pushing him further than he was ready for. “I’m not saying it’ll never happen, and it might not make sense to you because I am always over at your place, but right now I need to know I have a safety net. Getting involved wit
h anyone is still so new to me, I’m having a hard time trusting it won’t all fall apart.”
“I can absolutely respect your concerns. Thank you for being honest with me.” I gave Matteo’s knee a gentle squeeze. He still hadn’t answered my original question. “So, are we stopping or not?”
“I think I have everything I need,” he told me.
I wasn’t going to push him to take me home, partly because I wasn’t sure I was ready to meet the rest of his family yet. We drove in relative silence the rest of the way to my place, and Matteo once again waited patiently in the car for me to come around and open his door. Once we were inside, I led Teo to the bedroom where I’d laid out some of his favorite little boy clothes, prepared for him to need some time to decompress tonight after a stressful day at work.
“Do you want to color while I make you something to eat or would you rather go in the living room and watch cartoons?” For the first time, he considered the options I’d given him rather than instantly saying he wanted to be right next to me.
“I’m kind of tired,” he admitted as he rubbed his eyes. “Would it be okay with you if I lie down in front of the TV?”
“Not a problem at all, Angel,” I told him. Teo lifted his hands above his head and waited for me to undress him. I wasn’t sure he even realized anymore just how much of his care he’d turned over to me in the month since we’d gotten together. I stripped him out of the polo shirt he wore to work and kneeled before him to untie his shoes.
I glanced up at him, expecting him to argue he didn’t like me doing this for him the way he’d done the first couple of times. I was rewarded with a brilliant smile right before Teo was no longer able to stifle a yawn. He toed off his shoes as I started working on the buttons of his jeans. As I pushed the denim over his hips, I decided dinner could wait. I led him to the edge of the bed, gently pressing on his shoulder until he sat. “Why don’t we lie down and take a nap together?”
