by Quinn Ward
By the end of the week, I couldn’t shake the feeling that the longer I put off telling Mama I was moving out, the more upset she’d be with me. With Levi out of town for the weekend, I decided it was time to have the talk with Mama, no matter how uncomfortable it might be. It was important to me that I do this alone because I didn’t want her thinking Levi was pressuring me into this in any way. She’d been dropping hints all week that the house was too quiet without me there, which told me she knew something was up.
I’d been distracted all day at work, trying to keep from overthinking how tonight might go. My brothers all noticed, but none of them questioned me. Since I’d gotten together with Levi, they’d all been much better about respecting my personal space and not rushing in to rescue me from myself.
But by midafternoon, I was struggling to accomplish anything, and Frankie was the first to notice. He called me back to the office and motioned for me to sit in the chair across from his desk as soon as I entered the room. “Everything okay?”
“Everything’s great,” I responded without hesitation. Other than my nerves about tonight, I was better than I’d been in a long time. Levi spent a lot of time helping me learn more coping mechanisms for when the anxiety got to be too much. He’d encouraged me to talk to the doctor about medication or formal therapy, not only for the anxiety but also for the ADHD, but I hadn’t been able to make the call yet. I didn’t want to be dependent on medication if I could help it, and so far, I felt like I was doing pretty good managing on my own with the help of Levi and my brothers.
“Then why have you been running around all day forgetting things the way you did before you and Levi got together?” Frankie had always been the brother most likely to call it like he saw it, and there was no denying I’d been doing everything he just said.
“Because I’m sitting down to talk to Mama tonight and you know how I get,” I told him. So far, I hadn’t told any of my brothers I was moving out of our childhood home because I’d been worried they’d say I was rushing into a relationship or think my decision had been influenced by Freddie and Frankie’s engagements. The truth was I didn’t want anybody talking me out of my decision.
“What’s going on with that?” Frankie pressed when I didn’t offer up any details.
“Levi and I’ve been spending a lot of time together,” I explained. Rather than looking at Frankie to see his reaction, I wiped at a small stain on the front of my shirt. “I’m over at his place almost every night, and last weekend he asked me to move in with him.”
Freddie knocked on the door and entered the room without waiting for an invitation. He took the seat next to me, and I knew he’d been standing outside the door listening to everything we’d said. One thing you learned growing up with this many brothers was that privacy was something you could never expect. Maybe in some families, but not ours. “Is that why you were so keyed up last weekend?” Freddie asked. I nodded. “Man, I’m not going to say it doesn’t seem a bit quick, but Levi seems like a good guy. He’s good for you. What are you so nervous about?”
“You know how Mama can be.” I let out a deep breath. Maybe my brothers didn’t fully understand what it was like living with her. None of them were the baby of the family, and by the time Papa died, they’d all moved out, leaving me the only one to keep her company. “This is something I really want, but I can’t shake the feeling she’s going to try to talk me out of it.”
“Teo, she can’t force you to do anything you don’t want to do. She’s always going to worry about you, maybe more than she does the rest of us because you’re her baby, but at the end of the day all she wants is for us boys to be happy. And there is no denying Levi makes you happy.” Frankie came around the front of the desk and crouched in front of me. “One thing I can tell you for sure is sometimes the idea of talking to Mama is scarier than the conversation itself. Believe me, I know what you’re going through. When I was trying to convince myself to tell her I was gay, I was sure I’d lose everything. I thought there was no way she’d love me if I was with a man, but now I’m pretty sure if she was forced to choose she’d keep Calvin and kick my ass to the curb.”
All three of us laughed because it was true. As much as Mama loved us boys, it often felt as though she favored her bonus sons. Any time Frankie and Calvin had a disagreement, she was always quick to ask Frankie what he’d done to upset his partner. Thinking about how easily she’d accepted both Calvin and Peter into the family helped ease my mind.
“So, you guys don’t think I’m making a mistake by moving in with him so soon?” My brothers’ opinion mattered to me, and I held my breath while I waited for either of them to respond.
It was Freddie who turned to me first. “Neither of us are in the same position you are. We were both established in our own lives before we met our guys. We had our own space and didn’t have to worry about privacy. You do.”
“And Mama’s not stupid, Matteo,” Frankie pointed out. “Whether she said anything directly to you, she knows damn well what’s going on. The longer you avoid telling her because you’re scared, the harder it’s going to be. Given your situation, moving in together is a good idea. The two of you are already practically there, so this is only a formality.”
Frankie reached out and took my hand, squeezing tightly. “Sometimes you have to be willing to go with the flow rather than do what you’ve convinced yourself is right. This is a good thing, Matteo. Don’t let anyone convince you otherwise.”
I glanced over at Freddie and he nodded his agreement. I pushed myself out of the chair, giving each of my brothers a quick hug. “Thanks, guys. I didn’t realize how much bigger I was making this than I needed to.”
“Don’t mention it.” Frankie chuckled and give me a slap on the back. “We’ve all had plenty of time to figure out how your brain works. And I know you don’t believe it, but none of us would have you any other way. You think about things in different ways and that’s part of what makes you you. If Levi can see that and love you for it, then that’s all any of us need to know.”
“He does,” I assured them. Somehow, I walked out of the office thinking I was the luckiest guy in the world.
It felt odd driving myself over to Mama’s house. Whenever Levi was in town, he drove. That was fine by me because I’d much rather sit back and enjoy the ride than try to pay attention to everything going on around me. I eased my foot off the gas when I reached the exit that would take me home, meaning Levi’s place, but kept going. If I went to the apartment to take a nap before heading to Mama’s for dinner, it’d be far too easy to convince myself this talk could wait another day. I’d reached the point where I just wanted to get it over with.
When I pulled up in front of my childhood home, Mama was sitting on the front porch in her old rocking chair. She offered me a wary smile as I made my way up the walk, motioning me to take a seat in Papa’s chair. I tried to keep from fidgeting as I sat down, running through every possible way to start this conversation.
She watched me, not saying a word. I was drawing a blank. “Is this the part where you tell me you fell in love and you’re leaving me in this big house all alone?”
My chest ached, feeling like I’d been not only stabbed but had the knife twisted in my chest. I couldn’t remember her ever giving my brothers a hard time when they’d told her they were moving out but somehow, I was different. I resented all of them for the freedom they’d been so freely given that I had to fight for. “Mama, it’s not like that. I’m not leaving you. It’s not like I’m moving across the country with someone I barely know.”
“But you don’t deny you’re moving out?” I looked over to her, but Mama refused to make eye contact. Instead, she stared out at the street, rocking back and forth slowly in the creaky wooden chair.
“I am,” I confirmed. I sat up a bit straighter, knowing she’d latch on to any insecurity I showed. I swallowed hard before continuing. “Levi and I practically live together already so it’s not like it’s that big of a change
for me to officially live with him. And yes, I do love him.”
“How do you know?” Mama shot back. “Unless you’ve done a better job than any of your brothers at hiding things from me, this man is the first person you’ve dated. How do you know what you’re feeling is love and not just excitement for something new?”
I gripped the arms of the chair tightly. If it was possible, I was sure I would’ve left fingernail marks in the wood. Just because I didn’t have as much experience as my brothers with relationships didn’t mean I was confused.
I was even happier now than I had been before that I’d insisted Mama and I have this conversation on our own. I didn’t want Levi subjected to her skepticism. “I can’t tell you how I know I’m in love, but I do. Being with Levi isn’t like going to an amusement park and getting excited for all the new rides. When I’m with him, he settles me. Not by anything he does, but just by being there with me.”
There was no way I was going to tell Mama about certain parts of our life together, but no matter what happened in the future between us, I’d always be grateful to Levi for opening my eyes to a life I’d never known I could have. My stomach soured at even the briefest thought we might not be together forever, but I wasn’t naïve enough to think a couple great months would guarantee happily ever after.
“If this is something you want now, why not give it a few more months to make sure you’re not both stuck in the honeymoon phase before making any rash decisions,” Mama suggested. “Moving in together is a huge commitment; it’s not something you do on the spur of the moment.”
“I’m fully aware of that,” I told her. “But I also know I can’t stay here forever.” She opened her mouth to argue, and I held up a hand to silence her. I’d prepared myself for her to come at me with the reasons she thought I was making a mistake, and for the first time in my life I felt confident about what I was doing. “This isn’t me asking your permission to move in with my boyfriend. I’m a grown man, fully capable of making my own decisions, and I wanted to show you the respect of letting you know what I’m doing.”
“Please don’t take this the wrong way, but how does he feel—” I stopped Mama before she could finish her question. I knew she was only trying to look out for me, but it pissed me off that the same woman who always fought for me and told me I was just as capable as anyone else of doing whatever I set my mind to was now using the ADHD she’d refused to admit I even had for a long time against me.
“Mama, Levi knows all about my quirks,” I told her. “If either of us have let my mind get in the way, it’s me. He’s been nothing but understanding and is always there to help me when I need it. He also has made it clear he won’t let me use it as an excuse to push him away. And that should tell you all you need to know.” I hated leaving on a bad note, but I didn’t think we were going to accomplish anything by me staying here longer tonight. I bent down and kissed Mama’s cheek, hoping she let me go without a fight. “I love you, Mama. Someday, I hope you’ll see what an amazing man Levi is, and you’ll love him as much as you do both Calvin and Peter. For now, you’re just going to have to trust that you raised me to make my own decisions and let me go.”
Mama sniffled and nodded. “I’m sorry, Matteo. It is going to take me a little while, but it’s not because I think this Levi is going to do anything to hurt you.” She stood and wrapped her arms tightly around my middle, burying her face against my chest. “It’s not fair of me to hold you back, but sometimes it’s hard to admit my boys are all grown up now. Please, don’t let me ruin your weekend.”
“That means a lot to me, Mama.” We hugged on the front porch for a long time and when we separated, both of us had tears in our eyes.
“Please, stay for dinner.” I hated that I’d had any part in upsetting Mama, even if it was necessary. After hearing her explain why this was so hard for her, I realized it wouldn’t be any different if it was Levi or someone else, if it was now or a year from now. I was the last person tethering Mama to her identity as a caretaker. For almost thirty years, being Mama was all she’d known.
“I’d love to stay for dinner,” I told her. When I’d gotten up to leave, it’d only been because I hated seeing her upset.
“And maybe you could call this man of yours and invite him over?” She phrased the request as a question. Now, I regretted talking to her when Levi was out of town. I didn’t want her thinking I was making excuses for him.
“He’s gone this weekend, but if you’d like, I’m sure we can find a time next week to come over. Believe me, once you get to know him you’re going to love him as much as I do.”
“I know, Matteo. He seems like a good man. Your brothers told me all about the incident last weekend when Freddie was moving in, and they had nothing but good things to say about him and how he took care of you.” She led me into the house and I smelled the sauce that had likely been simmering all day. My stomach growled because I’d been too nervous earlier to eat anything. Over dinner, we talked more about Levi and our relationship. I had to creatively dodge her questions about how we met because as far as I was concerned, I could go my entire life without her finding out about the photo shoot or John’s website.
After dinner I helped her clean the kitchen and we sat down with a deck of cards. This had always been our thing. None of my brothers had been entertained by sitting around the table playing cards, but I loved it. We played late into the night, talking about nothing in particular. It was as if both of us knew these evenings would be a rarity once I moved out.
She stopped by my bedroom on the way to hers, pausing in the doorway. “Be patient with me, Matteo. Out of all my boys, you’ve always held a special place in my heart. It’s not easy for a mama to watch her baby grow up and live his own life. But I am proud of you for everything you’ve overcome, sometimes despite our failings as parents.”
“You didn’t fail me, Mama.” I rushed across the room and held her tight, kissing the top of her head. “Maybe life would’ve been easier if you’d taken me to a doctor sooner, but then I wouldn’t be who I am today. And Levi’s the one who made me see I’m not broken, just different. He loves all of me, including the parts I wish I could change. He’s a good man.”
“I’m sure he is.” Mama cupped my face in her hands and pulled me down for a kiss. “Buona notte, sogni d'oro, d'amore e di felicità.”
Good night, have sweet dreams of love and happiness. Every night as children, Mama had sent us to bed with this same wish just as her immigrant parents had done for her. Tonight, I pulled the blankets over my chest feeling as if her wish had come true.
16
Matteo
Four months later
“Good morning, sleepyhead.”
I grumbled and pulled the covers over my head as Daddy sat down on the bed next to me. I’d been up late last night trying to put the finishing touches on the latest article for John’s website, and all I wanted to do was sleep a little bit longer. Too bad Daddy had other plans. “Come on, Angel. We have a lot to do today and your breakfast is getting cold.”
I smiled under the blankets. Daddy wasn’t a great cook, but as my senses awoke, I could smell vanilla, sugar, and butter. He’d pulled out the waffle iron for me. I flipped back the covers and propped myself up against the headboard. When Daddy cupped my cheek, I leaned into his touch and closed my eyes. I kept waiting for the day I woke up and wasn’t in awe of how Daddy made me feel, but so far there were no signs of the attraction waning.
“Happy birthday, Angel.” Daddy leaned in, placing a tender kiss on my lips. After he pulled away, I ran my tongue across my bottom lip, tasting a faint hint of coffee. Although I wasn’t a fan, I loved the way it tasted when it came from Daddy. “Eat your breakfast. I have a few things I need to get ready, but I’ll be downstairs if you need me. When you’re done eating, take a bath and put on the clothes I’ve laid out for you.”
“Yes, Daddy.” He kissed me once more, this time tracing his finger down my jaw. I sighed, loving these simple to
uches even more than anything sexual we did.
A little over a month ago, Daddy and I had moved into a townhome more centrally located between his work and mine. I’d told him it didn’t matter to me where we lived as long as we were together, but he’d insisted it would be easier to live somewhere in the middle so neither of us had a hellish commute. Our new place was also closer to Mama, which was a relief because she hadn’t been feeling well recently and both of us spent a lot of our free time helping her.
While I ate, I pulled out my laptop and took one last look at the article I needed to submit to John later today. The series had become a huge hit, driving traffic to his site, which then led to people looking around and spending money. We’d even discussed the possibility of me becoming part of his team in the new year, but Daddy and I needed to sit down and talk before I added anything else to my plate. Soon, I’d cut back on my hours at Marino’s, but that didn’t mean it was the right time to start a new job.
A Life I Never Imagined
A year ago, I was miserable. My brothers were in that sickeningly sweet phase of falling in love. They looked so happy, but I’d realized it was something I’d never have for myself. Even if I knew how to be sexually attracted to people, I had all these other issues. I was convinced my mind was too messed up for anyone to love me the way my brothers’ partners loved them.
At the start of summer, I found peace in being alone. I might not have someone to share my bed with at night, but I had friends and family who loved me, and that was more than a lot of people could claim. One of those friends invited me to help with a project he was working on and I agreed, not thinking anything of it.
It was during that photo shoot that I met Daddy. He saw how uneasy I was and went out of his way to help me. Not because he wanted to get in my pants (even though he’ll be the first to admit he totally did), but because that’s what good daddies do. They’re not happy unless their little is happy.
