Dodos

by Al Lamanda

  Gavin opened his eyes and looked at Ian. “You brought me this score.”

  “Before I knew the particulars,” Ian said. “Now we know.”

  “Know what?”

  “It’s an impossible job, that’s what.”

  “Impossible is a state of mind,” Gavin said.

  “Which can lead to a state of prison,” Ian said. “You may be cut out for hard time, but not me. I chaff easily and I need to shower every day. I use a nice shower gel and a scrubbing pad to cleanse my pores. But anyway, what about your wife, huh? What about all that talk about being around to see your baby and all that?”

  “You said I owed it to her to seek financial security,” Gavin said.

  “And you listened to me?” Ian said. “What the hell’s the matter with you?”

  “Back out,” Gavin said. “I’ll meet Wallace by myself.”

  “Lee, you can’t…” Ian said as Gavin started walking again.

  “I can and I will,” Gavin said.

  Ian sighed and took off after Gavin. “Let’s talk about this, huh? We’ll pick up a couple of pizzas and head over to your place and discuss this like a couple of professionals.”

  “Pizza’s?” Gavin said. “You just ate the equivalent of a small country.”

  “I have a high metabolism,” Ian said. “Come on, what do you say?”

  When Gavin and Ian walked through the door to Gavin’s apartment, they found Patience on the sofa with a plate of three very large Turkey legs. She wore the Snuggle blanket Ian gave her for Christmas She watched TV as she munched on a leg.

  “Hi, boys,” Patience said as she tore into a turkey leg.

  “Wow, sis, I’m impressed,” Ian said.

  With a huge wad of turkey in her left cheek, Patience said, “There’s more keeping warm on the stove. Help yourselves.”

  “Thanks,” Ian said and headed to the kitchen.

  Gavin looked at the Snuggle Blanket. “Where’d you get that silly looking thing?”

  “Ian,” Patience said. “For Christmas. He got you one, too.”

  “Over my dead body,” Gavin said and went to the kitchen.

  Ian was at the table already, three massive turkey legs on a plate, a bottle of Gavin’s imported beer by his side. Grinning like a baboon, he tore off a huge hunk of turkey meat.

  “Did you give my wife that stupid blanket?” Gavin said.

  “Hey, she loves it, wise guy,” Ian said. “Got one for you, too.”

  Gavin went to the stove where the warming pan was empty. He turned to the fridge, opened the door and it was void of beer. He turned and looked at Ian as he took a long swallow from the last bottle.

  Empty handed, Gavin sat at the table.

  “Ahhh,” Ian said as he lowered the beer bottle and picked up a leg.

  “How’s that beer?” Gavin said.

  “Very nice,” Ian said. “Just a hint of fruity aftertaste.”

  “And the turkey?”

  Ian tore off a large bite of the second leg. “Perfect. Moist and juicy, the skin is nice and crisp.”

  “Good,” Gavin said.

  “So let’s talk about this stupid egg,” Ian said. “To me it seems impossible.”

  “It’s your score,” Gavin said.

  “Was,” Ian said. “Was my score. There are bigger fish in the ocean to fry.”

  “What’s bigger than a world event?” Gavin said.

  “My point exactly,” Ian said as he ripped off the last bit of meat from the second leg.

  “That doesn’t…” Gavin said.

  Lee!” Patience called from the living room. “Could you bring me a glass of milk, please?”

  Gavin stood up and went to the fridge to fill a glass with milk. He brought the milk to Patience, who was licking the third leg bone.

  “It runs in the family,” Gavin said.

  “What?” Patience said as she took the glass.

  “Ian.”

  “Of course Ian runs in the family,” Patience said. “He’s my brother. Thanks for the milk, sweetie. Now shoo, I’m watching how female Hippos give birth.”

  Gavin looked at the television. An enormous Hippo had her mouth open about four feet, reminding him very much of Ian. He returned to the kitchen where Ian was now eating milk and cookies.

  “How the…” Gavin said.

  “What?”

  “Nothing.”

  Gavin went to the cupboard for another glass, opened the fridge and of course, the container of milk was now empty. Empty-handed again, Gavin sat at the table.

  “How are those cookies?” Gavin said.

  Dunking the last cookie into the milk, Ian said, “Nice and chewy with raisins and chocolate chips,” and shoved the cookie into his mouth. After washing the cookie down with the last of the milk, Ian said, “Oh, hey, did you want some?”

  Gavin glared at Ian.

  “I told you we should pick up some pizzas, but would you listen?” Ian said.

  “You told me not to listen to you,” Gavin said.

  “About the score, not the pizzas,” Ian said. He stood up, went to the fridge and returned with a can of Coke. “And as far as the score goes, we should pocket our ten grand and forget it.”

  “We already pocketed it,” Gavin said. “We owe it to the man to show up and listen to the details. We did after all ask for them.”

  “You asked for them,” Ian said. “I asked for ten grand.”

  “We’re going tomorrow at one,” Gavin said.

  “Hey, listen, tomorrow is really bad for me,” Ian said.

  “What are you talking about?”

  “I have returns.”

  “What?”

  “I have something like a hundred gifts left over,” Ian said. “I need to return them. I got to hit at least a dozen malls in order…”

  Gavin clenched his jaw as he felt a tight band of thorns settle around the top of his head. He closed his eyes and forced him mind to go to its happy place. Against a backdrop of a field of wildflowers, his beautiful wife Patience smiled at him and said, “A little lower, honey. You’re not getting the full effect.” Gavin looked at his hands around Ian’s neck and moved them slightly south so that he could obtain maximum torque as he squeezed. Slowly, Ian’s head expanded like a balloon. Bigger and bigger Ian’s head swelled until finally with a loud pop, it…

  “Hey, are you listening to me?” Ian said.

  Gavin opened his eyes. “No.”

  “No we’re not going or no you’re not listening?” Ian said.

  “No to everything you might say for the rest of my natural life,” Gavin said.

  “In that case, I’m going home,” Ian said. “I’ll say goodnight to my sister and leave.”

  Gavin went to the fridge one more time and fixed a nice sandwich of turkey sliced lean with crisp lettuce on whole wheat bread. Way in back, behind a three-week-old carton of orange juice, he found a bottle of root beer soda in the brown bottle.

  Patience was munching from a tub of popcorn when Gavin entered the living room and joined her on the sofa. “Where’d you get that?” he said.

  Patience shoved popcorn into her mouth, chewed and said, “I popped it earlier. Look, the baby Hippo.”

  Gavin looked. The newborn hippo, about two hundred pounds or more, stood covered in murky goop while its mother licked the slop off it with a tongue the size of a bath towel.

  “Isn’t it beautiful,” Patience said.

  As the giant tongue licked slop off the baby Hippo, Gavin felt his stomach sour and turn. He set the root beer and sandwich on the rug, stood up and went to the bathroom.

  “Hey, are you going to eat this?” Patience said. “Lee?”

  When Patience heard the bathroom door close, she shrugged and picked up the sandwich. “Beautiful,” she said to the television.

  FIVE

  The sky was blue, the sun was shining, the temperature held steady at forty-five degrees. It was a perfect afternoon in Central Park. As Gavin predicted, the skating rink was pack
ed with tourists and residents alike, enjoying an afternoon of gliding around on the perfectly smooth ice.

  Gavin and Ian sipped coffee from a vendor’s cart as they sat on a bench and watched Muffie-Jo skate around the large rink. People, men mostly seemed to fall every time she whizzed by. Dressed in tight jeans, a pink, cashmere sweater with matching earmuffs, Muffie-Jo smiled and waved at Ian as she skated passed, seeming oblivious to the dozens of men who fell at her feet.

  “Boy, those guys can’t skate worth a damn,” Ian said.

  Gavin looked at Ian.

  Waldo Wallace, wearing pants, and his crew of four showed right on time. Waldo sat close to Gavin; his crew to Ian’s left.

  “Nice to see you again Mr. Gavin, Mr. Nelson,” Waldo said.

  Half a dozen men crashed into each other as Muffie-Jo whizzed by with her blonde hair blowing ravishingly in the wind.

  “Holy crap,” Oscar cried as Muffie-Jo glided past him.

  “What have you got for us?” Gavin said.

  “Holy crap, what?” Mabel said, looking at Oscar.

  Waldo produced a thick envelope from inside his coat and passed it to Gavin. “This is all the information I’ve been able to gather on the science club.”

  Muffie-Jo shot by again and several men crashed into each other, one spilling over the ice to the floor at Gavin’s feet.

  “My God!” Oscar cried.

  “Give me 24 hours to read all this,” Gavin said, stood, grabbed the idiot at his feet and flung him six feet into the air where he landed on the ice with a loud thud.

  “My God, what?” Mabel said.

  “If the job is doable, we’ll meet tomorrow night to discuss expenses,” Gavin said.

  Oscar jumped up from the bench. “I’m going in,” he said and jumped down to the ice where he promptly fell on his face.

  “Expenses?” Waldo said.

  “What the hell’s he doing?” Ian said.

  “Upfront money to do the job that doesn’t count as payment,” Gavin said.

  “Oscar!” Mabel cried as she stood up. “You leave that woman alone.”

  “Yes, of course,” Waldo said. “I understand perfectly.”

  “What woman?” Ian said.

  Muffie-Jo came whizzing by again, toppling men like toy soldiers. On her heels, Oscar fell on his face and crawled after her. “Wait!” he cried.

  “That woman,” Mabel said and pointed.

  Ian looked where Mabel pointed, then jumped to his feet. “That’s my wife!” Ian cried and jumped down to the ice.

  “There’s a coffee shop on West 91St and Broadway,” Gavin said. “Meet us there at five tomorrow afternoon.”

  As Oscar reached for Muffie-Jo, Ian slipped and fell on top of Oscar. Muffie-Jo skated to a stop and looked at Ian. “Hi, baby, what are you doing sitting on that man’s head?” she said.

  “Never mind that,” Ian said. “Help me up.”

  “With the expense money?” Waldo said.

  Muffie-Jo took hold of Ian’s right hand and yanked him to his feet.

  Oscar leered upward at Muffie-Jo.

  “How much can you get your hands on overnight?” Gavin said.

  Ian glared downward at Oscar. “You cut that out.”

  “I travel with nothing short of one hundred thousand,” Waldo said. “Will that suffice?”

  Oscar attempted to get to his feet, slipped and fell, taking Ian down with him.

  “It should be enough,” Gavin said. “Once I know how we’ll do the job, I’ll let you know if more is needed.”

  Ian rolled on top of Oscar and tried to bite him on the nose. Oscar put his hands up and tried to choke Ian.

  “What’s this about?” Muffie-Jo said.

  “Mr. Gavin…don’t take this the wrong way,” Waldo said. “But how do I know you won’t simply…what I mean is….how do…”

  Mabel suddenly jumped up, screamed like Rambo and sprinted to Ian and Oscar.

  “We won’t steal your money,” Gavin said. “It’s not how we operate. If the word got out we did that, we’d never get another job. Besides, our mutual crimes cancel each other out. I don’t want to go to prison and neither do you.”

  Mabel went low like a defensive end, hit Ian at the chest, and knocked him off Oscar. In her haste, Mabel took Muffie-Jo out at the legs.

  “Mutual crimes?” Waldo said.

  Muffie-Jo hit the ice on her well padded rear-end and said, “Oops.”

  “You hired us to commit a crime and that in itself is a crime,” Gavin said. “We agreed to commit a crime for you and that is also a crime. We both have dirt on each other and that is what keeps us honest. Mutual trust from mutual dirt.”

  Immediately, fifteen men abandoned their wives and dates and rushed to Muffie-Jo’s side.

  “Tee hee,” Muffie-Jo giggled.

  “I see your point,” Waldo said. “And I agree completely.”

  Mabel was now on Oscar’s stomach and was punching him in the nose. “You cheating son of a bitch!” she yelled.

  “Good,” Gavin said. “I’ll give your notes a good read and we’ll talk more tomorrow.”

  A dozen hands helped Muffie-Jo to her feet. “Thanks, boys,” she said.

  “91Street and Broadway,” Waldo said.

  “That’s the place,” Gavin said.

  “Let’s make a train, boys” Muffie-Jo said and took off skating.

  “Until tomorrow,” Waldo said and stood up to shake Gavin’s hand.

  With fifteen men all holding hands and Muffie-Jo holding the hand of the man closest to her, they skated around the rink in a long train.

  “Mabel, Oscar, come on,” Waldo said. “Our business is done for today.”

  With Mabel shoving Oscar as if she was moving cattle, they walked past Gavin and followed Waldo and the others. “What I do?” Oscar said.

  Ian came and sat next to Gavin.

  “What’s wrong with you?” Gavin said.

  “Me?” Ian said. “It’s that…wait a minute. Where’s Muffie-Jo?”

  On the ice, Muffie-Jo and a train of now twenty-five men skated by in a blur of arms and legs. “Go, boys!” Muffie-Jo shouted.

  “Isn’t that her?” Gavin said.

  Ian jumped to his feet and was about to jump back to the ice when he spotted twenty-five very angry women on the ice, marching toward Muffie-Jo and the train of very gleeful men. “That’s her, girls!” an angry woman shouted. “Get her! Pull her hair out from the roots, the hussy!”

  “I’m coming, Muffie-Jo!” Ian shouted and jumped down to the ice where he slipped, fell and knocked himself unconscious.

  Twenty-five fuming women stepped over Ian to charge Muffie-Jo.

  Gavin sighed loudly and stood up just as Muffie-Jo sailed by. He grabbed her by her free arm and yanked her off the ice.

  Twenty-five men on skates immediately lost control and crashed into twenty-five super pissed off women.

  “Where’s Ian?” Muffie-Jo said.

  “Taking a nap over there,” Gavin pointed.

  “Why is he taking a nap on the ice?” Muffie-Jo said.

  “Something new,” Gavin shrugged.

  As men and women converged on the ice, a riot reminiscent of the Sharks and Jets in West Side Story broke out in front of Gavin and Muffie-Jo.

  “What’s this all about?” Muffie-Jo said.

  Gavin sighed again. “I don’t know, but I better go get your husband.”

  As Gavin climbed down to the ice, Muffie-Jo yelled, “Get’em, boys! Don’t take any of their guff!”

  Suddenly, the mob of angry women were no longer bashing their men. Instead, they were now marching directly toward Muffie-Jo.

  “Hey, Lee?” Muffie-Jo said.

  SIX

  Gavin opened the thick envelope and removed the contents, several dozen sheets of paper, took the top one and set the others on the sofa. In the background, he heard Patience getting ready for work. The bath ran, then water splashed as she got into the tub.

  Gavin read the ent
ire first page of neatly typed notes and grabbed the second page. He was half way through the second page when he heard Patience opening her closet door. By the fourth page, she appeared ready for work in maternity hospital whites, pants and shirt, matching shoes.

  “What’s all this?” Patience said and sat on the sofa the way pregnant women do, which is to say they descended as if lowered by a crane.

  “Ian’s latest score,” Gavin said.

  “So close to my due date?” Patience said.

  “You’re not due until February,” Gavin said.

  “I go on maternity leave the third week of January for three months,” Patience said. “I need you home with us. Not off somewhere with my brother, the two of you having a fine old time.”

  “Fine old…” Gavin said.

  “Look, I know how much you love Ian, but there comes a time when you have to pick and choose and you better choose me, buster.”

  “Love Ian?”

  “And I’d be especially pissed off if you got caught and I had to wait twenty-five years to introduce you to our son or daughter on his or her wedding day.”

  “I wouldn’t like that very much myself,” Gavin said.

  “Why, it would be like introducing him or her to their grandfather.”

  “I wouldn’t be that…”

  “So knock off the fun, buster and start acting like a man with responsibility.”

  “Fun?”

  “Oh, don’t pretend that you don’t have the time of your life running around with Ian, concocting your little schemes.”

  “Concocting?”

  “It means…”

  “I know what it means.”

  “All these years we’ve been married, since we were like twelve or something,” Patience said. “At least that’s how I thought of us and anyway, that time you stole all of my mother’s good silverware. Remember that?”

  “What’s that got to…?”

  “You had a yard sale at your house and since my mother didn’t have any, she bought back her own stuff and did I tell on you?” Patience said. “No, I didn’t and if that doesn’t prove how much I love you, nothing will.”