Dodos

by Al Lamanda

  “Wheezer is Wheezer,” Ian said. “And we use him only on special occasions.”

  “Why is he called that?” Muffie-Jo said.

  “He…his...it’s because…Lee, you want to take a shot?” Ian said.

  “He wheezes,” Gavin said.

  “What do you mean wheezes?” Patience said.

  “Wheeze….wheeze…like that,” Gavin said. “Wheezes.”

  “Lee Gavin and Ian Nelson, it’s been too long,” the Wheezer said. A chronic sinus sufferer, his nose and throat were always so congested, each word was punctuated with a loud wheeze that started in his lungs and ended in his throat so that each syllable sounded like a loud wheezy cough.

  “Oh, my,” Patience said as she listened to the Wheezer wheeze.

  “Wheezer, this is my wife Patience,” Gavin said.

  “Got one cooking, I see,” Wheezer gasped.

  “Have you had that looked at?” Patience said. “Because I’m a…”

  “Later, P,” Gavin said.

  “Who gets the wire?” Wheezer wheezed.

  “That would be my wife,” Ian said. “Muffie-Jo?”

  Standing behind Ian, Muffie-Jo stepped forward. “Hi, Mr. Wheezer,” she said in her giddy tone of voice.

  Wheezer looked at Muffie-Jo. A low growl came from deep within his stomach. It grew louder and rose up to his lungs where it settled for a moment before moving up to his throat where it took the form of several very loud gasps and harsh wheezes.

  “Jeeze, is he alright?” Ian said.

  “Mr. Wheezer?” Muffie-Jo said, which made Wheezer wheeze even louder.

  Patience rolled her eyes. “Oh, for Christ sake,” she said.

  “He’s fine,” Gavin said. “This is his thing, wheezing.”

  Wheezer’s lungs expanded and out came, wheeze…wheeze…wheeze.

  “I’ve seen a lot of fine at the hospital, Lee,” Patience said. “And this ain’t it.”

  “What do we do?” Gavin said.

  “Get him to the kitchen,” Patience said. “Some hot tea with lemon and some steam will bring him around.”

  Gavin and Ian took hold of the Wheezer’s arms.

  “Muffie-Jo, wait here,” Patience said.

  “Why?”

  “It’s a small kitchen,” Patience said.

  Minutes later, as Wheezer sucked in steam from a bowl of boiling water from under the towel Patience placed over his head, she placed a cup of lemon-flavored tea in his hand. “Sip some of that, Mr. Wheezer,” she said.

  Wheezer poked his head out from under the towel, took several sips of tea and said, “Ya know, I feel a lot better. Thanks.”

  Gavin breathed a sigh of relief as he looked at Patience. “Thanks, hon.”

  Wheezer removed the towel and looked at Gavin. “So, what do you need?”

  After second cups of tea all the way around, Wheezer said, “I think I know exactly what you need. Bring her in, would you please.”

  Ian went to the living room where Muffie-Jo was watching Ellen and painting her nails a new shade of hot pink.

  “Muffie-Jo, we’re ready for you,” Ian said.

  Muffie-Jo stood up from the sofa. “Do I get a blindfold and a last cigarette?”

  “You never had a first cigarette and Wheezer needs the blindfold,” Ian said.

  Muffie-Jo followed Ian to the kitchen when she looked around and said, “This isn’t so small. In fact, it’s not small at all. It’s the…”

  “Later,” Gavin said. “Wheezer, what do you think?”

  Wheezer stared at Muffie-Jo. A guttural sound came from his throat. He gasped, wheezed and gasped again.

  “Wheezer, Goddammit, concentrate,” Gavin said.

  “Want I should slap him?” Patience said. “I’m in the mood to slap somebody.”

  “No,” Gavin said.

  Patience stood, turned and slapped Gavin a good one. “There, I feel better now.”

  Wheezer was really wheezing now, sounding like a car test wind tunnel.

  “P,” Gavin said as he rubbed his cheek.

  “What, you want another one?”

  “Fix him!” Gavin snapped.

  Patience cupped her right hand and slammed it into the base of Wheezer’s neck where throat met chest. Wheezer’s head snapped back, his chair leaned backward, righted itself and he looked at Patience.

  “Thank you,” Wheezer said.

  “You’re welcome,” Patience said and took her chair.

  “Showoff,” Gavin said to Patience.

  “As I look at this dear, darling woman I’m immediately inclined to decline the use of a standard wire for your purposes,” Wheezer said.

  “I figured,” Gavin said.

  Muffie-Jo leaned in to Ian’s ear. “Dear darling woman is me, right?” she whispered.

  “At the moment,” Ian said. “We’ll see how this progresses.”

  “What do you got that we can use?” Gavin said.

  “Well, let’s see now,” Wheezer said. “Have a seat and let me have a look at you.”

  “You’ve looked quite enough,” Patience said with her right hand at the ready.

  Muffie-Jo sat next to Patience. “Is that a nursing thing?”

  “Yeah,” Patience said. “I use it on the doctors all the time.”

  Wheezer looked at Muffie-Jo. “Are you skilled in the endeavors of espionage?”

  Muffie-Jo looked at Wheezer.

  “Sophisticated in surveillance enhancement?” Wheezer said.

  Muffie-Jo looked at Wheezer.

  “Perhaps the guile of the femme fetale?” Wheezer said.

  “You talk funny,” Muffie-Jo said.

  “Well, you must have some skill I can build around?” Wheezer said.

  “Show Wheezer your skill, Muffie-Jo,” Ian said.

  Muffie-Jo filled her lungs with air and expanded her chest.

  Wheezer’s eyes went wide as tea cups as a soft wheeze filled his throat. “Good God in heaven have mercy,” he rasped.

  “Down boy,” Patience said with cupped hand.

  “What can you do for her?” Gavin said.

  Wheezer rubbed his chin as he thought. “Ya know, there is something special I made for a CIA agent last year,” he said. He stood, left the kitchen and returned a minute later with a wood pen box. He sat, opened the box and revealed two beautiful pens. “I made two sets for him, but he never came back for the second.”

  “What happened?” Gavin said.

  “He was testing the first set walking down Fifth Avenue and got run over by a bus,” Wheezer said.

  “He shouldn’t have been writing while walking,” Muffie-Jo said.

  Wheezer stared at Muffie-Jo. “No, see, he wasn’t writing anything. What he was doing…I mean, these are…”

  “Later,” Gavin said. “How do they work?”

  Wheezer removed one pen. The top half was made of sterling silver. The bottom half was constructed of fine cherry wood. “The receiver is in the silver,” he said. “The transmitter is in the wood. The radius is one half mile. Click once to receive, twice to transmit. Three times to actually use them for writing.”

  Gavin took one pen and gave the second to Ian. “I’ll transmit,’ he said and went to the living room.

  Ian clicked the pen once. Gavin’s voice said, “Testing, testing, one, two, three.”

  Ian clicked his pen twice. “Really nice, Lee.”

  Gavin returned to the kitchen. “We’ll take them,” he said. “How much?”

  “Seeing as how Mr. CIA paid in full for them, I can let them go for say eight grand for the set,” Wheezer said. “And I’ll toss in extra batteries. They’re special made, last a good twelve hours under heavy use.”

  Gavin pulled Waldo’s roll, counted out eight thousand in hundred dollar bills, and set the stack on the table in front of the Wheezer. “You’re a good man, Wheez,” he said.

  Ian placed his arm around Muffie-Jo’s shoulder. “Think you can handle it, hon?”

  “Handle what?”
Muffie-Jo said.

  “The pen,” Ian said.

  “Does it come with instructions?”

  Wheezer looked at Muffie-Jo. “Perhaps something a bit less complicated.”

  “That would be two tin cans and a piece of string,” Patience said.

  THIRTEEN

  Patience held Gavin tightly by the arm as they walked slowly along the gangway and into the terminal building of Arlanda-Stockholm Airport. “Doing good, big guy,” Patience said.

  Terrified of flying, even the thought of airports put Gavin into a near comatose state of mind. So deep was his fear of airplanes, Gavin could only be coxed into entering a terminal building under the heavy sedation of valium. Since Patience was a nurse at a major New York hospital, helping herself to the pharmacy was no problem at all.

  Walking ahead, Ian and Muffie-Jo held hands. Muffie-Jo wore her new coat open to reveal the screaming hot mini skirt and skin hugging top underneath. As they walked past a skycap pushing a rack full of luggage, the skycap crashed into a row of seats where a woman drinking hot coffee scalded an old man in the face as she fell onto his lap. Two pilots strolling by tripped and fell over spilled luggage from the skycaps rack and landed in the lap of a honeymoon couple arguing. “There you go again and this time right in front of me!” the newlywed husband yelled and walked away.

  “Muffie-Jo, button your coat,” Ian said.

  “It’s warm in here, baby,” Muffie-Jo said.

  A maintenance worker emptying a garbage bin spilled the contents on the terminal floor and a man walking by slipped on it like Chaplin in a silent film.

  “At least close it,” Ian said.

  Muffie-Jo closed her coat. “Where are they?” she said.

  Ian paused and turned around. “It’s going to take a while for all that valium to wear off.”

  Muffie-Jo looked around the ultra busy terminal. “So this is Sweden, huh.”

  “No, this is the airport.”

  “It looks like Newark.”

  “All airports look like Newark. Here they come.”

  “Almost there, big boy,” Patience said as she held tight to Gavin’s arm.

  “Honestly, why can’t he be afraid of normal things like regular people,” Muffie-Jo said. “Like clouds.”

  Ian and Patience looked at Muffie-Jo.

  “Regular people aren’t afraid of…” Patience said.

  Ian held a finger to his lips. “Let it go, sis.”

  “Where are we?” Gavin mumbled, mostly out of it.

  “We’re in Central Park,” Muffie-Jo giggled. “A mugger is attacking Patience.”

  Gavin punched Ian in the face, knocking him to the floor.

  “Oh, my,” Muffie-Jo said.

  “Never mind, oh my,” Ian said as he stood up. “Go sit down while I get the luggage. And I’m going to have a welt, thank you very much.”

  “Boy, some people don’t know how to have fun,” Muffie-Jo said.

  “A punch in the face is not fun,” Ian said as he stormed toward a luggage carousel.

  Patience led Gavin to a bench against the wall where she sat him down next to her. Muffie-Jo sat to Patience’s left and started filing her nails. Patience looked at Muffie-Jo. “About the cloud thing, is that for real?” Patience said.

  Buffing her nails, Muffie-Jo paused and looked at Patience. “Clouds frighten me, up there in the sky like that. I mean, it’s like they’re always lurking about just waiting to hit you with lightning.”

  “I never looked at it that way before,” Patience said.

  “I saw this show on the weather channel,” Muffie-Jo said.

  “The weather channel has shows?”

  “It’s my favorite channel.”

  “Really?”

  “The show was on severe storms,” Muffie-Jo said. “And they showed a lightning storm that struck this little town in the Midwest. Bolts of lightning hit the ground over and over again and it’s all because of the clouds.”

  “Yes, but that’s no reason to be…”

  “I mean, they’re always up there lurking about, looking all cute and fluffy, but don’t let that fool you.”

  “No.”

  “Somewhere there’s a bolt of lightning with your name on it.”

  “I’ll keep that in mind,” Patience said.

  “There’s Ian,” Muffie-Jo said.

  Ian arrived with a rack of luggage. “Let’s grab a cab to the hotel.”

  “Wow, this is beautiful,” Muffie-Jo said of the six-room suite that Gavin booked that had a top floor view of downtown Stockholm.

  “I’m going to sit in a hot bath,” Patience said.

  “What about?” Ian said and nodded his head toward Gavin, who was standing in a corner.

  “Oh, he’ll come out of it soon enough,” Patience said.

  “Well, come on Muffie-Jo, let’s go see some sights,” Ian said.

  Muffie-Jo went to the window. “It’s a bit cloudy out.”

  “That’s because of the sky,” Ian said. “Now come on.”

  Alone, Patience ran the tub and tossed in some expensive, complimentary salts and bubble bath. Before stepping into the tub, she peered into the living room and Gavin was sort of swaying a bit. He would hold for a while, she thought and sat in the salty, bubbly, nice hot water.

  Thud.

  Patience opened her eyes.

  “Oh, Goddammit!” Gavin roared.

  The bathwater was lukewarm. Patience figured she nodded off for about twenty minutes. “I’m in the tub, Lee!” she said.

  Gavin wandered into the bathroom and flopped down on the toilet. “What happened?”

  “We’re in Sweden,” Patience said.

  “No, I meant, why did I fall on my face?”

  “Oh.”

  “How much of that stuff did you give me?”

  “Enough to get you across the Atlantic Ocean without a peep.”

  “Where’s the odd couple?”

  “Sightseeing.”

  Gavin looked at his watch. “It’s two o’clock. Want me to order some lunch?”

  “Please.”

  “If Bonnie and Clyde aren’t back by four, want to help me do some scouting?”

  “You mean become an actual player in this global grand theft scheme of yours?”

  “That’s what I mean.”

  “Love to,” Patience said and ran some more hot water. “For a hundred thousand dollars.”

  FOURTEEN

  As they crossed the street opposite the science museum, Patience looked up at the darkening sky. “Ever look at the clouds, Lee?” Patience said.

  “Usually when I look up, it’s night and involves a ladder and a second story,” Gavin said.

  “I’m serious,” Patience said. “Ever look at clouds?”

  “Clouds?” Gavin said. “What, I’m a Al Roker now?”

  They reached the other side and paused to look at the massive science museum. A forty-foot long banner hung over the main entrance. DODO EGG ON DISPLAY, the banner announced.

  They took the one hundred steps at a slow pace to accommodate Patience’s added weight. “So you don’t or you do?” Patience said as they neared the midway point.

  “I don’t or I do what?” Gavin said.

  “Look at clouds.”

  “Would you stop with the clouds,” Gavin said as they reached the top step. “We have work to do.”

  Gavin held the massive door open for Patience and she entered the museum lobby with Gavin right behind her. Another banner announced the Dodo egg was in the grand showroom located down the hall to the left. A line of a thousand or more stretched in front of them.

  Gavin sighed openly as they took their place at the end of the line. “Notice most of the street signs are in English as well as Swedish?” Patience said.

  “You can’t help but notice,” Gavin said. “I can read the ones in English.”

  “English is almost a second language here,” Patience said and stepped off the line.

  “P, what are you�
��?” Gavin said.

  Patience waddled across the wide lobby to a standing security guard. “Excuse me,” she said to the guard. “I’m eight months pregnant and I don’t think I can stand in such a long line. My husband and I really want to catch a glimpse of the egg, but I’m afraid I just can’s stand in line that long. Can you help me, please?”

  The security guard, a cheery looking blonde fellow, glanced to the end of the line, then nodded his head. “I’m sure we can accommodate you. Where is your husband?”

  “The very back of the line,” Patience said.

  A few moments later, Patience and Gavin were escorted past the line into the grand showroom and to Gavin’s amazement, not one person complained. “I gotta hand it to you, P,” Gavin whispered. “This pregnant thing is pretty sweet. Too bad it couldn’t be permanent.”

  “You wouldn’t think so if you had to carry around a cinderblock in your stomach,” Patience said.

  The Dodo Egg was encased in a glass, climate controlled box atop a wood platform and surrounded by movie theatre stanchions. About the size of a chicken egg, maybe a bit larger, the cream-colored egg rested in a nest of straw.

  While Patience studied the egg, Gavin studied the room. A motion and vibration detector protected the glass box. A weight-activated alarm in the floorboards surrounding the stanchions protected the platform. Motion detectors and heat sensors protected the room. Iron bars protected the windows. An iron gate that dropped from the ceiling protected the doors. And that was just this one room.

  “It’s a pretty little thing, isn’t it?” Patience said.

  “Looks petrified,” Gavin said. “Which makes it easier to transport.”

  Patience glanced at the sign on the table. “They’re giving a lecture at five in the main hall, want to go?”

  “Yeah,” Gavin said. “Let’s go outside and call Ian on his cell phone.”

  “This is a really cool place,” Ian said. “Everybody speaks American here. We found a Burger King that…”

  “Later,” Gavin said.

  From a coffee shop across the street from the museum, Gavin looked out the window at the growing line to get in for the lecture. “I have four tickets for the lecture,” he said and turned to Muffie-Jo. “You wait until about ten minutes after the lecture starts, then walk in and stand in back. What I want you to…”