Dodos

by Al Lamanda

  “Oh, she’s good, your wife,” Gavin said. “A natural.”

  “What did I miss?” Ian said. “What?”

  “The scarf was the signal they’re headed to the revolving bar like planned.”

  All in, the cab took off down the street.

  “I have to admit, Ian, you were right about Muffie-Jo,” Gavin said. “She’s a gold mine of potential and possibilities.”

  “She just got into a cab with five strange men,” Ian said.

  “We should have thought of using her years ago,” Gavin said. “Think of all the future jobs she can help us with.”

  “You said this was your last job,” Ian said.

  “Muffie-Jo is a game changer,” Gavin said as he sipped coffee. “There must be a thousand rich idiots she can seduce on the east coast alone.”

  His eyes suddenly wild, Ian looked at Gavin. “You take that back or so help me I’ll stab you with a fork.” For emphasis, Ian picked up the fork on the table.

  Gavin snatched the fork from Ian’s grasp, bent it in half and set it on the table. Then he removed his cell phone and dialed a number. On the second ring, the call was answered.

  Gavin heard, “Smack…smack…smack…”

  “P?” Gavin said.

  Smack…smack…smack…

  “What the hell?” Gavin said.

  “You gotta try these wings,” Patience said. “They’re delicious.”

  “Never mind the…”

  “The sauce is sweet and hot, but with a hint of…”

  “Is she there yet?” Gavin said.

  “Just walked in,” Patience said.

  “You’re pen turned on?”

  “Two clicks to receive.”

  “Good girl,” Gavin said.

  “They checked her coat and a waiter just fell on his face,” Patience said and started smacking again.

  “We’re on our way,” Gavin said.

  “You gotta try these wings,” Patience said and hung up.

  Gavin dumped some money on the table and stood up. “Let’s go.”

  “If one of those dirty old men touches my wife, so help me…”

  “This is a job and your job I might add and you’re not being very professional,” Gavin said.

  On the street, Ian said, “How can a man think when his wife is being mauled by five perverts?”

  Gavin waved a cab and said, “They’re five harmless idiots with too much time and money on their hands. How are you going to act if you use her in a real job?”

  “So you’re testing me?” Ian said as Gavin held the door of the cab open.

  “God knows, you’ve been testing me for twenty years,” Gavin said.

  Wedged between the Gordon twins with Clipper on the end, Muffie-Jo looked across the table at Pogo and Westland. Pogo grinned at her and said, “What shall we have?”

  “A nice glass of white wine?” Muffie-Jo said.

  “White wine it is,” Pogo announced.

  Muffie-Jo removed the tiny purse from around her shoulder and set it on her lap. She waited for a waiter to stop by the table, then opened the purse and reached inside for the pen.

  Just as her finger touched the little thing that you click to make the point come out, she froze. Her mind raced backward to Gavin’s instructions. Click the pen…click the pen…but was that once…or twice?

  Oh, dear.

  Her eyes as wide as saucers, Muffie-Jo looked across the room where Patience was sitting at a window table in front of a mountain of chicken wings. Patience was licking her fingers and eating a wing when she caught sight of Muffie-Jo’s panicked stare.

  As if sensing Muffie-Jo’s dilemma, Patience set the wing she was munching on down onto her plate and wiped her fingers on a napkin. From her purse, she removed a tube of lipstick, wrote the number 1 on a clean napkin, and discretely dabbed her lips with it, flashing the number 1 directly at Muffie-Jo.

  Muffie-Jo looked directly at the napkin, nodded ever so slightly and Patience lowered the napkin. Inside her purse, Muffie-Jo felt for the pen, clicked it once, removed it and set it beside her on the seat.

  Patience went into her purse again for the tiny wireless earpiece Gavin gave her to use and tucked it into her right ear. Immediately, she heard Pogo say, “Do you prefer Margaret or Muffie?”

  “I definitely think of myself as much more of a Muffie than a Margaret,” Muffie-Jo said.

  Somebody said, “My heart.”

  Patience looked at Muffie-Jo and rolled her eyes.

  Muffie-Jo raised one eyebrow and gave Patience a tiny shoulder shrug.

  Patience returned to eating wings and after five minutes of listening to Muffie-Jo being gushed and gooed over, Gavin and Ian slid into the booth, Gavin opposite her, Ian on her right.

  “Anything so far?” Gavin said.

  Ian picked up a wing and dug into it.

  “Eyes as blue as the Meditation, skin like snow, hair like wheat and some guy keeps complaining about his heart,” Patience said.

  Ian sucked the meat off the bone and tossed it onto a plate. Looking at Muffie-Jo, he said,” Skin like snow?”

  “I’m assuming he meant her complexion,” Patience said. “Like fresh driven snow.”

  “What about the…?” Gavin said.

  “I get the snow, but wheat?” Ian said. “Who has hair like wheat?”

  “I think he means color and not texture,” Patience said.

  “Never mind the wheat,” Gavin said. “What about the egg?”

  Patience sucked meat off a wing, wiped her hands on a napkin and adjusted the earpiece. “Says he’s so distracted by her beauty he can’t think straight.”

  “He said that, her beauty?” Ian said and looked at Gavin. “Harmless idiots, huh?”

  “Wait, wait, wait,” Patience said. “She says maybe if they ordered some food it might help him think better. They all agree. She suggests the wings as an appetizer.”

  Gavin sighed. “This could take a while.”

  A waitress arrived at the table. “What can I get you gentlemen?”

  “I’ll have a platter of chicken wings and a nice beer,” Ian said.

  “Uh, for the table?” the waitress said.

  “No,” Ian said.

  “There are 48 wings on a platter,” the waitress said.

  “That’s fine,” Ian said.

  The waitress shrugged and looked at Gavin.

  “Coffee for now,” Gavin said.

  The waitress turned and walked away.

  “Nice move, girl,” Patience said.

  “What?” Ian said and looked across the room to where Muffie-Jo sat encased in the five members of the science club.

  “Quit looking at her,” Gavin said.

  “He’d be the only man in the room who wasn’t,” Patience said.

  “Oh. Good point,” Gavin said. “Look away.”

  “About that nice move thing?” Ian said.

  “Nothing. Don’t worry about it,” Patience said. “Oh, she’s got them talking now.”

  Ian squinted across the room. “Did she just rub that guy’s nose?”

  “She touched it,” Patience said. “She said and I quote, ‘I don’t understand such big words, silly.’ End quote.”

  “Oh, she’s good,” Gavin said. “She has the makings of a first class Heartbreaker.”

  “You take that back right now,” Ian snapped.

  “What’s a Heartbreaker?” Patience said.

  “A female con artist who uses her exceptional beauty to cheat really stupid rich men out of their money,” Gavin said.

  The waitress returned with a serving trolley. She lifted a platter with a mountain of wings on it and set it before Ian. “Your wings,” she said. “And your beer.”

  The waitress turned to Gavin. “Your coffee.”

  “Thank you,” Gavin said as the waitress wheeled the trolley away.

  “So I’m not pretty enough to be a Heartbreaker?” Patience said.

  “Oh, for…P, you’re almost eight mon
ths pregnant,” Gavin said.

  “That’s a terrible thing to say to your wife,” Patience snapped.

  Ian shoved four wings into his mouth as he looked across the room at Muffie-Jo. “She touched his nose again,” he said. “What, it’s wet and cold?”

  “Oh, wait a minute,” Patience said. “Here we go.”

  Ian tossed four vacant wing bones onto an empty plate. “That man needs to keep his nose to himself.”

  “He’s talking about the expedition,” Patience said. “About how frustrated it was not finding a skeleton for weeks on end. Blah, blah, blah, the scope of the magnitude of a skeleton find on the scientific…blah, blah, blah, so on, so forth.”

  Ian sucked a few more wings dry and added the bones to the plate. “Gonna need a lot more wings at this rate,” he said, reaching for more.

  “I agree,” Gavin said. “P, catch her eye. Get her to go to the ladies room.”

  “Oh, I’m not good enough to be a Heartbreaker, but I can be your bathroom flunky,” Patience said.

  “P. we don’t have time for this,” Gavin said.

  Patience held her swollen stomach. “Oh, but you had time for this though, Mr. Big Shot.”

  “She got a point,” Ian said as he tossed bones.

  “No, she doesn’t either,” Gavin said.

  Centered on a small bandstand, a pianist suddenly appeared and started to play. A small, circular dance floor was in front of the piano.

  “Perfect,” Gavin said.

  “What’s perfect?” Ian said.

  “P, get her into the ladies room,” Gavin said. “Tell her to dance with these idiots and to get them making small talk. Especially that Pogo. He’s the bigmouth of the group.”

  “Oh, sure. P do this, P do that and what do I get?” Patience said. “Chicken wings and a swollen stomach.”

  “May I remind you that this entire job was your idea,” Gavin said. “I walked away. It was you who said…”

  “Okay, okay,” Patience said. “You’d think one would have a bit more respect for an expectant mother.”

  “One would,” Ian said. “Wouldn’t one.”

  Patience grabbed another napkin and her lipstick, wrote bathroom break and held the napkin discretely toward Muffie-Jo.

  At her table, Muffie-Jo was faking a laugh at something Pogo said which she had no clue about when she caught sight of the napkin. She slipped the pen into her purse and said, “Hold that thought Peter while I powder my nose.”

  As Muffie-Jo stood and walked across the room, every male head turned in unison to watch her stroll into the ladies room.

  Gavin turned to Patience. “Tell her when she returns to the table, to ask Pogo to dance. Tell her to use her female charms to open him up and start talking about the egg and his notes.”

  “Wait a minute,” Ian said. “I’m not clear on the female charms thing.”

  “P,” Gavin said to Patience.

  “On one condition,” Patience said. “I get to be the Heartbreaker next time and seduce all the men.”

  “Oh, for…fine, okay, next time you can seduce all the men,” Gavin said.

  “Really?” Patience said, happily. “I’ll be right back.”

  While Patience went to the ladies room, Gavin went to the piano player. He removed a one hundred dollar bill and stuffed it into the bowl on the piano. “My wife’s pregnant and it’s our anniversary. I’d appreciate it if you could keep the romantic music coming.”

  The piano player eyed the hundred-dollar bill. “No problem.”

  In the ladies room, as Muffie-Jo touched up her makeup, Patience said, “Lee wants you to dance with Pogo and get him to start talking. See if you can get him to talk about his notes.”

  “What kind of dance?” Muffie-Jo said. “Like that time in California when we entered amateur night at the strip club?”

  “A little more discrete I think,” Patience said. “And we’ll have to hide the pen on your body since you’ll be away from the table.”

  Muffie-Jo removed the pen from her purse and tucked it deep inside her bra. “How’s that?”

  Patience checked the earpiece. “Good.”

  “Boy, they sure know a lot of big words,” Muffie-Jo said as she dug out her perfume bottle and sprayed the air several times, then walked through the mist. “This is so much fun,” she said. “I think I’m becoming a criminal.”

  “So, go commit a crime,” Patience said.

  “Oh, I almost forgot,” Muffie-Jo said and removed the small box from her purse. “This is for you.”

  With that, Muffie-Jo left the ladies room and walked across the floor to her table. “Oh, Peter,” she cooed. “Forget all the big words and let’s dance.”

  “I thought you wanted to hear about how we uncovered the egg?” Pogo said.

  “We can talk while we dance, silly,” Muffie-Jo said.

  “Very well,” Pogo said and stood up.

  As Muffie-Jo and Pogo walked to the tiny dance floor, Patience returned to the table in tears.

  “What?” Gavin said.

  Patience extended her left arm to show the bracelet. “Look at what my dear sweet sister-in-law gave me and for no reason,” Patience snuffled.

  “Why?” Gavin said.

  “I helped pick it out,” Ian said.

  “How could you abuse such a sweet woman by involving her in your rancid scheme?” Patience said.

  “I was wondering that myself,” Ian said.

  “A minute ago you said that you…”

  “Look at how sweet she is,” Patience said.

  Gavin looked. Ian looked. Muffie-Jo had her head resting on Pogo’s shoulder as they swayed slowly around the tiny dance floor. As they turned, every male at every table had their eyes locked on Muffie-Jo as if their eyelids had been glued open.

  Ian looked at Gavin. “You did this,” he said.

  “They’re dancing,” Gavin said. “And she’s a hell of a lot more professional than you are at the moment.”

  “If he touches her…” Ian said.

  “Wait, wait, wait” Patience said. “He’s talking about his notes.”

  Gavin and Ian turned to Patience. “He says his notes and pictures are in the safe in his room. She wants to know about the egg. He suggests a nightcap in his room where he can show her the notes. She says after she gets a chance to dance with each on of those handsome men.”

  “Good girl,” Gavin said.

  “Get stuffed,” Ian said.

  “What’s this?” Gavin said as he suddenly noticed the tiny dance floor filling up with couples.

  Men hugged their wives and girlfriends as they stared at Muffie-Jo, who suddenly was lost in the gathering crowd.

  “Well that’s just great,” Ian said.

  “Wait, wait, wait,” Patience said. “He’s whispering…”

  “In her ear,” Ian said. “That’s it. I’m going to…”

  “Ian, shut up,” Gavin said. “P, what’s he saying?”

  “Says can she keep a secret,” Patience said. “She said tee hee, of course, silly.”

  “My wife said that, tee hee?” Ian said.

  “He says the egg at the museum is a fake,” Patience said. “The real one is under lock and key at the club in New York. She says if she goes to New York will he show it to her. He says…umm, never mind what he says.”

  Ian jumped up from his seat. Gavin grabbed Ian by the shirt and yanked him back down. “What’s the matter with you?” Gavin said.

  “He’s worse than Joba?” Ian said.

  “He is, isn’t he,” Patience said.

  “Never mind Joba,” Gavin said. “What else about the egg?”

  “Umm…no that’s…something, something…blah, blah….ah, here we go,” Patience said. “Home in three weeks. He’s a very rich man and can…oh, never mind that part.”

  “What part?” Ian snarled.

  “Never mind that now,” Gavin said. “Can you open the room safe?”

  “A first year pickpocket can open tho
se things,” Ian said.

  Gavin removed the master cardkey from his pocket and slid it across the table. “I figure we have about thirty minutes of dancing left before she goes through all five. Get the files and wait for us in the lobby.”

  “I thought you wanted to go in,” Ian said.

  “I’m not a first year pickpocket.”

  Ian picked up the master cardkey. “Muffie-Jo?”

  “We’ll save her,” Gavin said. “Thirty minutes in the lobby.”

  “Not one minute after,” Ian said as he stood up and walked away.

  Gavin looked at Patience. “Anything?”

  “Says she has the sexiest teeth,” Patience said.

  “He said that, sexy teeth?”

  Patience picked up a wing and bit into it. “Want to help me finish these?”

  Twenty-five minutes and five dances later, Patience tossed the last chicken wing bone onto the plate. “Boy, I’m stuffed,” she said.

  Gavin looked across the room at Muffie-Jo. She looked Pogo in the eyes as she nibbled on her pearl necklace. Gavin feared blood might shoot from his eyes at any moment. The others looked at her as if they just crossed a desert on foot and Muffie-Jo was an oasis.

  “You better go save her before Ian has a complete meltdown,” Gavin said.

  Wiping her hands with a wet nap, Patience looked at Gavin. “Me?”

  “Remember California when she got herself arrested?”

  “I’ve been sitting here the better part of an hour.”

  “Completely unnoticed,” Gavin said. “Believe me.”

  “You’re not earning any husband points here,” Patience said as she removed the earpiece and set it on the table.

  “I’ll meet you in the lobby.”

  Patience stood up and discretely crossed the room and her sonofabitch husband was right, not one eye noticed her until she stopped at the table, cleared her throat and said, “There you are Margaret. Mother and I have been looking everywhere for you.”

  A dozen eyes turned to Patience. Five smiles instantly became frowns.

  “Why are you looking everywhere when I’m right here?” Muffie-Jo said.

  “Because I didn’t know…I mean, how was I to know…never mind, mother is waiting,” Patience said.

  “Well, goodbye boys,” Muffie-Jo said and stood up. “It’s been a lot of fun.”