Dodos

by Al Lamanda

  Ian slowly rolled over onto his back, licked his wrist, snorted and wiggled a bit before settling down.

  “Really?” Gavin said.

  Muffie-Jo knelt down beside Ian and started to scratch Ian’s stomach. After a few scratches, Ian’s left leg started to twitch. “Would Ian like a treat?” Muffie-Jo giggled.

  Patience sat up. “Let me try.” She scratched Ian’s stomach and his right leg twitched.

  “Together,” Muffie-Jo said.

  Patience and Muffie-Jo scratched and Ian’s right and left leg twitched spastically.

  Patience and Muffie-Jo giggled uncontrollably.

  “This is no way to commit a B and B,” Gavin said.

  TWENTY

  “Boy, it sure is crisp this morning,” Ian said. “But, you know, compared to that Sweden winter, it almost feels like a heat wave.”

  Gavin stared at the New York Science Club across the street from where he and Ian were standing on East 2nd Avenue between 81st and 82nd Street.

  “I mean, what is it, 28, 29 degrees out here and I’m not even cold,” Ian said.

  Gavin looked up at the New York Science Club. Six stories, regular, if ornate windows, a large glass façade door with large street front windows. Even from across the street, he could see the expensive, very lavish furnishing in the lobby and waiting room.

  “Not like that Sweden cold,” Ian said. “That Sweden cold is like Alaska cold.”

  No exterior lighting, but Gavin bet the lobby was lit up like a Christmas tree at night. The best protection besides a sophisticated, expensive alarm system, armed night watchmen, highly trained guard dogs and a police station next door was a well-lit interior lobby.

  “Not that I’ve ever been to Alaska, but I imagine it’s what its like,” Ian said.

  “Shut up about the cold a minute and tell me what you see,” Gavin said.

  “Well, let’s see now,” Ian said. “I see rush hour traffic, stupid people on their way to work, busses and cabs and…”

  “The building,” Gavin said. “Across the street, the Science Club.”

  “Jeeze, Lee,” Ian said. “It’s way too early to go getting aggravated. I mean, what are you going to do when you have those two in the morning feedings.”

  “Call you,” Gavin said. “Now tell me what you see.”

  “I see it, the building, there it is,” Ian said.

  “You see anything special?”

  “Except for the big stupid Science Club sign and plush lobby through the glass, it’s just another East Side run of the mill building,” Ian said.

  “So it doesn’t strike you odd that those nitwits would leave the most valuable egg on the planet in an unprotected building in the middle of Manhattan while they waltz around Europe?” Gavin said.

  Ian squinted for a closer look. “It does seem odd, doesn’t it?”

  “See anything else?”

  “Like what?”

  “Like that comedy club right next door, that’s like what?”

  “The Manhattan Comedy Club featuring the magic of Mike the Magnificent,” Ian said. “Huh? Shouldn’t that read Magic Club if the guy’s gonna do magic instead of comedy. I mean, you don’t go to Yankee Stadium to watch basketball, do you?”

  “You probably do,” Gavin said. He removed his phone and clicked off several pictures. “Let’s go.”

  “Where?”

  “See the Wheezer.”

  “Two visits in less than three weeks,” Wheezer said as he served Gavin and Ian beer in a glass. “Most unusual for you gentlemen, isn’t it?”

  “We were in the neighborhood,” Ian said.

  “Rego Park, Queens?” Wheezer said.

  “It’s nice out here this time of year,” Ian said.

  “And how is that lovely…wheeze…wife…wheeze…of…wheeze…wheeze…,” Wheeze gasped. “Wheeze…yours…wheeze, wheeze, wheeze.”

  “Muffie-Jo?” Ian said.

  “Wheeze…wheeze…wheeze…yes.”

  “She wanted to come see you, but I told her next time,” Ian said. “She wanted me to give you a big wet kiss.”

  “Oh, wheeze, wheeze, wheeze,” Wheezer gasped and sputtered.

  “Ian, knock it off,” Gavin said. He looked at Wheezer. “Wheezer, focus. We need your help.”

  Wheezer sucked in great amounts of air to clear his head. “With?” he finally said.

  “Same job, different location,” Gavin said. “I have some photos to download on your computer.”

  A few moments later, Gavin, Ian and Wheezer studied the photos on his laptop computer at the kitchen table. “Shouldn’t that sign read Manhattan Magic Club?” Wheezer said.

  “That’s what I said,” Ian said.

  “Could we…” Gavin said.

  “Seems to me a magician performs magic,” Wheezer said.

  “Makes sense to me,” Ian said.

  “And a comedian performs comedy,” Wheezer said.

  “I agree completely,” Ian said.

  “So a magician in a comedy club doesn’t make sense to me,” Wheezer said.

  “How about we discuss the marquee billing some other time?” Gavin said.

  “Sure,” Wheezer said. “It’s just a detail is all. I mean, do you go to Yankee Stadium to watch basketball?”

  “I don’t know, do you?” Gavin said. “Now forget the magic act for a minute and listen to me. What do you see when you look at this building?”

  “Is this a trick question?” Wheezer said.

  “He can be sneaky sometimes,” Ian said.

  “No, it’s not a…” Gavin said.

  “This one time he…” Ian said.

  “It’s not a trick question,” Gavin said. “Look at the damn building and tell me what you see?”

  Wheezer stared at the laptop. “I assume your first venture into this job wasn’t successful,” he said as he stroked his chin.

  “It was a fugazy,” Ian said.

  “A what, it’s a what?” Wheezer said.

  “A fake,” Gavin said. “He means a fake.”

  “Then why not say fake,” Wheezer said. “Who says a word like fugazy?”

  “I do,” Ian said. “Didn’t you ever see that movie where Al Pacino is some old washed up hit man for the mob? It stars that pirate guy before he became a pirate.”

  Wheezer looked at Gavin. “What in heaven’s name is he talking about?”

  “He talks in code,” Gavin said. “The building?”

  Wheezer looked at the laptop and stroked his chin again. “No visible exterior protection of any kind, so it’s a safe bet to assume the interior is wired up the ass. Motion, heat passive infrared detectors, vibration and weight displacement, fire and lockdown mode. It’s a flat roof building with at least one glass dome, possible two for roof access, also wired from the interior. The building shares a common wall with the comedy club, which makes it the weakest link, but that doesn’t matter if the building itself is a fortress, which it probably is. Your mark, and I assume it’s in this building or we wouldn’t be talking about it is most likely in the most secure place possible. As to the exterior, no visible parking lots on either side of the block so it’s cab and subway only to the comedy club next door. That means heavy pedestrian traffic right up until around midnight or possible later.” Wheezer looked at Gavin. “So, Lee, why don’t you tell me what the mark is and we’ll discuss what you need.”

  “And you said I talk in code,” Ian said.

  “There it is,” Ian said, standing between Wheezer and Gavin.

  Gavin turned to his left to look at Ian.

  Wheezer turned to his right to look at Ian.

  “What?” Wheezer said.

  “The building,” Ian said. “There it is.”

  “Yes, it’s right in front of us,” Wheezer said.

  “I was just being thorough,” Ian said.

  “Quit being anything and let Wheezer think,” Gavin snarled. “Go ahead, Wheezer. Think.”

  Wheezer stared at the New York Science Cl
ub Building across the street. Silent at first, a soft, guttural noise slowly rose up in his throat.

  Gavin and Ian looked at each other.

  The guttural noise in Wheezer’s throat slowly became a loud whine, followed by a louder phlegm like noise, followed by a full-blown wheeze. The wheeze grew louder and louder until Wheezer started to rock back and forth on his heels.

  “Jeeze, he’s gonna blow,” Ian said.

  “Wheeze,” Gavin said as he placed a hand on Wheezer’s shoulder.

  Wheezer nodded. “Wheeze…I’m…wheeze…okay…wheeze…”

  “Maybe we should stand back?” Ian said. “Just in case.”

  From a pocket, Wheezer produced a tiny can of oxygen. He placed the mouthpiece in his mouth and sucked in several massive gulps of air. Under control, Wheezer replaced the oxygen tank and said, “Let’s get a beer and discuss this. You guys have a favorite watering hole?”

  “I see you made a new friend,” Garko said. “Always glad to have new business. What will you gents have?”

  “Beer for me,” Ian said.

  “Same,” Gavin said.

  “Have you an unopened bottle of Maker’s Mark?” Wheezer said.

  “I believe I do,” Garko said with his usual cheeriness.

  “I’ll have that,” Wheezer said. “And some peanuts.”

  “Shelled or un?”

  “Un,” Wheezer said.

  “Delighted,” Garko said and rushed away.

  “So Wheeze, what do you think?” Gavin said.

  “In a moment,” Wheezer said.

  Garko returned with a tray. He set beer in front of Gavin and Ian, the bottle of Maker’s Mark and basket of peanuts in front of Wheezer. “Anything else I can get you gents?”

  Wheezer twisted the cap off the Maker’s Mark bottle, held it to his lips and drank four ounces in one quick swallow. “I think we’re good for now,” he said.

  “I’ll be right over there,” Garko said and whisked himself back to the bar.

  “Cheery little fellow,” Wheezer said.

  “That’s one way of looking at it,” Gavin said.

  “What’s the other way?” Wheezer said.

  “Annoying,” Ian said.

  “Ah,” Wheezer said and swallowed another four ounces from his bottle. He set the bottle down, grabbed a handful of peanuts, and tossed them in his mouth, shells and all. “So as I see this, you’ll need complete blueprints of the alarm system, its capabilities and a detailed floor plan of the entire building and the comedy club next door. You’ll need response time to the building from the alarm company and police and fire department. They probably had something new installed for the egg, a humidifier of some kind and it’s probably wired as well.”

  Ian sipped his beer, grabbed some peanuts and shelled them. “It’s a whole lot of wiring to deal with,” he said.

  “Not like the old days, huh, Lee?” Wheezer said. “Back then, the only thing you had to worry about was a street bell going off that nobody paid attention to, including the cops. Today so many bells and whistles go off; it’s like the chase scene from A Mad, Mad, Mad World.”

  “I love that movie,” Ian said as he tossed peanuts into his mouth. “All those guys chasing after the loot.”

  “Can you get…?” Gavin said.

  “When the loudmouth mother-in-law slips on the banana peel at the end, it says it all,” Ian said.

  “Can we…?” Gavin said.

  “I agree,” Wheezer said. “That final scene is an allegory to show that no matter how dire circumstances may be, humor can lighten the load.”

  “Kinda like right now,” Gavin said.

  “Allegory?” Ian said.

  “Something that means something else,” Wheezer said.

  “Like when Lee is pissed at his wife and punches me in the face?” Ian said.

  “Right now I’m actually pretty happy with my wife, but I’m still going to punch you in the face,” Gavin said. “Now, Wheez, can you get photographs of the rooftops, club and comedy club?”

  “That is the easy part,” Wheezer said. “The hard part is paying for all this information.”

  “No problem,” Gavin said. “Consider yourself a partner at 100k.”

  Wheezer gulped another four ounces from his bottle. “Deal.”

  “Call me when you have everything together,” Gavin said.

  “Give me a day,” Wheezer said. “And I’ll give you the world.”

  “Is that an allegory?” Ian said.

  When Ian and Gavin entered Ian’s west side apartment, they barely had time to remove their jackets when Muffie-Jo called out, “I’m taking a hot bath, baby. Is that Lee with you?”

  Ian removed a bottle of beer from the fridge, twisted off the cap, took a sip and said, “We got some business, hon.”

  “Make it quick!” Muffie-Jo called out.

  Ian sipped more beer as Gavin watched Ian sip the beer. “Why is that, Muffie-Jo?” Ian said.

  “Patience told me to raise my temperature to the right level I should soak in a hot bath for thirty minutes!” Muffie-Jo said.

  Ian sipped beer and looked at Gavin. “Right level for what?” Ian said.

  Gavin shook his head as he sighed.

  “For the, you know, the turkey baster thingy!” Muffie-Jo said.

  Ian’s face went white as a sheet. “Umm, Lee and I have to go out right now.”

  “No we don’t, Muffie-Jo,” Gavin said. “He’s all yours.”

  “How could you do this to me?” Ian said. “Do you know how much that hurts?”

  “Thankfully, no,” Gavin said.

  “Thank you, Lee!” Muffie-Jo said. “Patience said timing is everything.”

  “You’re welcome, Muffie-Jo,” Gavin said. He looked at Ian. “And thanks for the beer.”

  “What beer?” Ian said.

  “We’ll meet tomorrow after Wheezer calls me,” Gavin said and walked to the door.

  “Ian, come help me take my temperature!” Muffie-Jo said. “I’m not sure where this little stick goes.”

  “Oh, God,” Ian sighed.

  “And that, Ian, is a true allegory,” Gavin said as he opened the door.

  On the street, Gavin was happily walking home to his apartment when it struck him and he stopped in his tracks. “Patience said timing is everything,” Muffie-Jo said and she or they were right.

  TWENTY-ONE

  Gavin was on the sofa with his notebook when Patience walked in from the bedroom with a frown on his lips.

  “I can’t see my feet,” Patience said.

  Gavin glanced at her large, round stomach, the down at her shoes. “Trust me, they’re there,” he said.

  Patience flopped on the sofa next to Gavin. “What are you doing?”

  “Details.”

  “Any chance you’ll wrap this up before the baby comes?”

  “Two months?” Gavin said. “Should be plenty of time.”

  Patience patted Gavin’s knee. “Good. So, are you in or out tonight?”

  “In.”

  “Then I have a nice pot roast I’ll stick in the oven before I leave,” Patience said. She attempted to stand, sagged back into the sofa cushion. “I can’t wait for this pregnancy to be over.”

  “Speaking of pregnancy, can you get Muffie-Jo to lay off Ian for a while,” Gavin said. “I need him in one piece right now.”

  “Has my brother lost his sense of humor?” Patience cracked.

  “It’s not a question of…of…” Gavin paused and looked at his notes.

  “Lee?” Patience said.

  Gavin raised his eyes and looked at Patience. “You like comedy, don’t you?”

  “I married you, didn’t I?” Patience said.

  “Oh, boy, something smells good,” Ian said before he even got his coat off.

  “Patience put a pot roast in the oven before she left for work,” Gavin said.

  “With the little potatoes and carrots?” Ian said, his mouth watering.

  “You said on the
phone you had dinner with Muffie-Jo,” Gavin said.

  “I did, we did, but this smells…wonderful.”

  “Well, come on then,” Gavin said. “There’s enough for two.”

  Before Gavin closed the door, Ian was in the kitchen. Before Gavin crossed the living room, a knock on the door sounded. Gavin turned, opened the door and Wheezer stood there, sucking oxygen from his tiny tank, a large briefcase under his arm.

  “Are you okay?” Gavin said.

  Wheezer lowered the tank. “Perfectly fine,” Wheezer said as he walked past Gavin.

  Gavin closed the door. “I saw the tank, I thought something was wrong.”

  “Oh, that,” Wheezer said. “I always take a bit extra before entering someone’s home just in case they have a cat.”

  “No cats here,” Gavin said as he took Wheezer’s coat. “Just me and…”

  “Say, something smells wonderful,” Wheezer said and followed the aroma to the kitchen where Ian sat at the table with a mountain of sliced pot roast, potatoes and carrots on a plate.

  Ian washed down some pot roast with a sip from his beer bottle and said, “Oh, hey, Wheeze.”

  “So that’s what smells so good,” Wheezer said with a slight drool running down his cheek.

  “Oh, hey, there’s plenty,” Ian said. “Grab the knife and carve yourself some. Beer’s in the fridge.”

  Gavin entered the kitchen after hanging Ian and Wheezer’s coat in the closet to find Wheezer and Ian with plates full of pot roast. Each had a bottle of beer and as he counted his beers at two, he knew the cupboard was bare.

  Gavin looked at the empty pot roast pan where just a few carrots sat on the bottom. He looked at Ian and Wheezer as they stuffed their mouths with his dinner.

  “When you said come over for a quick meeting, I never expected a delicious meal like this,” Wheezer said.

  “Lee is very generous like that,” Ian said as he gulped beer.

  “How is that beer?” Gavin said as he took a seat at the table.

  “You know how much I love the imported expensive stuff,” Ian said.

  “Most generous,” Wheezer said. “Oh, these little potatoes.”

  “Okay, listen, the reason I asked you…”

  “And the carrots,” Ian said.