Dodos

by Al Lamanda

  “Of course you do,” Agnes said. “Don’t bother to knock, just go right in.”

  Wallace and Dudley had barely closed the door when Gavin and Ian opened the door and walked in, followed by Double D, Fubar, Snafu, Wheezer, Peru, Jack-Jack and his cousins.

  Agnes threw her hands in the air. “The hell with it,” she said. “I’m going to lunch.”

  Gavin turned to Jack-Jack. “Bring her in.”

  “You, chicken legs, let’s go,” Jack-Jack said.

  Agnes sighed and stood up. “Just don’t squeeze my face again,” she said.

  Leo was about to say what is the meaning of this intrusion when Wallace and Dudley entered his office, but before he could say a word, Gavin and his crew came in right behind them.

  “What the hell is going on here?” Leo demanded, jumping up from his desk.

  “Zip it, Leo,” Gavin said. “And I’ll explain.”

  “Who the hell are you people?” Pogo said to Gavin.

  “Jack,” Gavin said.

  Jack-Jack gently set Agnes down, turned and grabbed Pogo by his upper lip. “I’m Jack,” Jack-Jack said. “And these are my cousins Sal and Hal. Unless you be quiet, we’ll toss you out the window head first and laugh about it over lunch.”

  For good measure, Jack-Jack gave Pogo’s lip a good snap when he released it.

  “Now everybody be quiet,” Gavin said.

  “In other words, shut up,” Ian added.

  “What is this all about, Gavin?” Leo said.

  “You’re a crook, Leo,” Gavin said. “The only difference between you and me is that law degree on your wall.”

  “Your license to steal,” Ian added.

  “You have no…” Leo said.

  “Jack,” Gavin said.

  Jack-Jack moved toward Leo.

  “Okay, okay,” Leo said and took his seat behind his desk.

  “I demand to know what this is about,” Pogo said.

  “This is about an egg,” Gavin said. “Specifically, a Dodo egg.”

  “Our egg, our egg,” Dudley cried.

  Ian looked at Dudley. “Go sit in the corner and color,” Ian said.

  Gavin looked at Pogo. “Mr. Wallace hired us to steal back the Dodo egg you stole from him,” Gavin said.

  About to stand, Jack placed his massive right hand on Pogo’s shoulder and shoved him back to his seat.

  “Thief! Thief!” Dudley cried.

  Ian spun around and wagged a finger at Dudley.

  “That’s a preposterous claim for which I’ll sue you for,” Pogo said.

  “Really?” Gavin said as he motioned to Snafu.

  Snafu stood beside Gavin.

  “Would you care to hear the recording of your phone conversation with Leo about the stolen egg?” Gavin said.

  Snafu held up the tiny recorder in his right hand for all to see.

  “You bugged my office?” Leo said.

  “And home,” Gavin said.

  “How? Why?” Leo said.

  “How was a simple bug rigged by this gentlemen on my left here, a former phone company specialists,” Gavin said. “Why is because after we searched the warehouse twice without results, there was no other place the egg could be but in your possession. That little song and dance about the police searching the warehouse was a stall to give you time to get there ahead of us. See, I found the cell phone and lipstick in the pocket where the egg should have been. All three came from Ian’s wife. All three should be there or not there.”

  “It’s a matched set,” Ian said.

  “You didn’t trust your own lawyer?” Leo said with mock outrage.

  “If you were me, would you trust you?” Gavin said.

  “I wouldn’t,” Ian added.

  “So be quiet allow me to continue or a copy of this tape goes to a certain extortion detective I know, along with names,” Gavin said and pointed to Pogo. “All the names.”

  “You can’t get away with this,” Pogo threatened.

  “Ha!” Wallace said.

  Gavin turned to Wallace. “And you are no better than he.”

  “What?” Wallace said. “I’m the victim here.”

  “Hiring criminals,” Ian said to Wallace. “For shame.”

  “I paid you to return what’s mine,” Wallace said. “I trusted you.”

  “That was your first mistake,” Ian said. “Trusting the untrustworthy.”

  “Being a silly, pompous ass with too much money is your second,” Gavin said. “You don’t deserve the egg anymore than this Pogo idiot and his crew.”

  “Wait,” Leo said. “What exactly are you saying, Gavin?”

  “While my friend here was bugging your office, my other friend here was busy shutting down your alarm company system so that Ian and I could break in and open your safe,” Gavin said.

  “My safe?” Leo said.

  “Piece of cake,” Ian said.

  “Guess what we found wedged between a legal brief and the necklace you picked out for your mistress?” Gavin said. “Oh, yeah, we got you and her on tape as well.”

  Agnes looked at Leo. “Mistress, Leo? At your age?”

  Leo shrugged. “A man has needs beyond the courtroom.”

  “Oh, please,” Agnes said and rolled her eyes.

  “Look, this is very fascinating and all, but the fact remains the egg is mine and I want it returned to me at once,” Wallace demanded.

  “Or what?” Gavin said. “You committed a first degree felony by hiring known felons to commit a first degree felony in your name. See where this is going, Waldo?”

  “Straight to the big house,” Ian chirped.

  Gavin nodded to Double D, who stepped forward. “My friend here is an explosives expert,” Gavin said. “He’s also completely nuts.”

  “A real loon,” Ian said.

  “He would love nothing more than to plant C-4 in your cars just for the fun of it,” Gavin said.

  Double D held the C-4 in his right hand up for all to see.

  “And the thing is, you’ll never know where and when the big boom will strike,” Gavin said.

  “A really, really, really, big boom,” Double D said and formed a mushroom cloud with his hands.

  “Or when my other friend will bug your house or when my three monster sized friends will show up to drop you off a roof,” Gavin said.

  Jack-Jack suddenly brightened right up. “Can I, Lee?”

  “We’ll see how the rest of this goes,” Gavin said.

  “I’ll start with the lawyer,” Jack-Jack said. “They’re about as useful as can opener in a bottle factory, anyway.”

  “Gavin?” Leo said.

  “Jack, just relax for now,” Gavin said. “Now where was I?”

  “Off a roof,” Ian said.

  “Oh, yeah. Thanks,” Gavin said. He looked at Pogo. “You saw what we did to your lobby? Next time it will be your entire building. Then your homes. After that, I’ll let my friend do whatever the hell he wants.”

  Double D formed a bigger mushroom cloud with his hands.

  “Or,” Gavin said. “You can cut your losses, forget about the egg and go about your business. Otherwise, the police, the media and the entire world will know you didn’t find the egg, but stole it. Deal?”

  Pogo stared at Gavin as Double D formed mushroom clouds in the background. “Deal,” Pogo finally said.

  “Go,” Gavin said.

  Pogo and his crew stood up and silently filed out of the office.

  “Remember the boom,” Double D called after them. “In case you get second thoughts.”

  Gavin walked closer to Leo’s desk. “Leo, you’ve committed every ethics violation possible for a lawyer, not to mention the felonies involved with the egg. Any idea who will defend your case? Maybe that hot shot defense attorney out west who dresses like a cowboy.”

  “Come on, Gavin, we’re old friends,” Leo said.

  “That’s why you’ll keep your mouth shut,” Gavin said. “And defend Mike the Magnificent as agreed and he be
tter get off light or Jack and his cousins will pay you a visit. Agreed?”

  Leo stared at Gavin, sighed and sadly nodded yes.

  “Good,” Gavin said. He turned to Wallace. “And that brings us to you. I assume there’s two point five million in that case?”

  “Which you won’t see a penny of unless I…” Wallace said.

  “Jack,” Gavin said.

  Jack-Jack moved forward, snatched the briefcase from Wallace’s grip, turned, and gave it to Gavin.

  “Thank you, Jack,” Gavin said as he set the case on the desk.

  “You can’t frighten a Wallace,” Wallace said.. “I’m a direct descendent of…”

  Jack-Jack grabbed Wallace by the chin, lifted him out of his chair, turned and tossed him like a Frisbee to his cousin Hal, who turned and tossed him to his brother Sal.

  “Big talk for a guy who wears skirts,” Ian said.

  “Kilts,” Wallace gagged.

  “Want I should open the window?” Jack-Jack said. “Let some fresh air in.”

  “Okay, okay, whatever you say,” Wallace pleaded.

  Sal lowered Wallace back into his chair.

  “In exchange for two point five million, our secret of your felony stays a secret,” Gavin said. “That’s what your money buys and I’ve done my homework. Two point five is barely a field for Mr. Potato King. Agreed?”

  Wallace nodded yes. “Agreed.”

  “Truth is, you don’t deserve the egg,” Gavin said. “You don’t care about science or extinction or anything else but your stupid reputation.” Gavin looked at Dudley. “But, you do.”

  Gavin removed the Dodo egg from his pocket and held it out to Dudley.

  Dudley stared at the egg. A tear formed in his right eye. “My egg,” he sniffled.

  “Ian?” Gavin said.

  Ian snapped open the case and removed ten stacks of bills.

  “That’s one million dollars for you to start your research with,” Gavin said. “I’m sure if you need more in the future, Mr. Wallace would be happy to oblige.”

  In front of Leo’s office building, Gavin shook Jack-Jack’s hand. “Stop by the Pub for your share tomorrow around five. There’s a nice bonus for your cousins in it.”

  “Sure thing, Lee,” Jack-Jack said.

  “If you ain’t busy, Jack, we got a picket line to bust up over in Newark,” Sal said.

  “A real bunch of first class crybabies,” Hal said. “Whining about unemployment and no benefits.”

  “Nothing strenuous,” Sal said. “Just some broken arms and legs, the usual.”

  “Love to,” Jack-Jack said.

  “I’ll get the van,” Fubar said and crossed the street.

  “So what’s one and million come to split seven ways?” Ian said.

  “Nine,” Gavin said. “You’re forgetting our wives get a share.”

  “Aw, you’re not serious?” Ian said.

  “You know, I feel pretty good about what we done,” Snafu said.

  “I should get an extra five percent seeing as it’s my score,” Ian said.

  “I feel pretty good, too,” Wheezer said.

  “Me, to, although I’d feel even better if I blew something up,” Double D said.

  “The day is still young, Doug,” Gavin said. “The day is still young.”

  AFTERWARD

  Six weeks later, when Ian called Gavin to tell him of his latest idea, Gavin hung up the phone before Ian could say two words.

  Patience told Gavin that was rude.

  Gavin told Patience it wasn’t as rude as going to prison a week before the birth of their baby.

  Not fazed, Ian called back, got Patience on the line and wormed a dinner invitation into the conversation.

  Around seven thirty that evening, Gavin opened the door and stared at Ian.

  “Why are you wearing a skirt?” Gavin said.

  “Kilt,” Ian said as he and Muffie-Jo walked past Gavin.

  Gavin closed the door.

  “I have to admit that old Wallace was right,” Ian said. “These are comfortable as hell. They don’t ride up or anything.”

  Gavin rubbed the vein above his right eye. “But why are you wearing it?”

  “Oh, see, what I did, I signed up for that ancestry website and found out I’m part Scottish,” Ian said. “This is my celebration of my ancestry.”

  “So now we get to shop at the same stores,” Muffie-Jo giggled. “It’s so much fun accessorizing together.”

  “I wish you hadn’t told me that,” Gavin sighed.

  “Where’s sis?” Ian said. “I’m starved.”

  “Taking a nap,” Gavin said. “Dinner’s all ready.”

  “I’ll go wake her,” Muffie-Jo said.

  “Let’s grab a beer and talk,” Ian said.

  In the kitchen, Ian helped himself to a cold beer and sat at the table. “So listen to this,” he said and sipped.

  “I’d rather not,” Gavin said and sat at the table.

  Ian sipped, said, “Ahhh,” and set the beer bottle down. “I figured there’s no way you can retire on that lousy hundred and thirty grand we cleared from the last job, so I’ve been keeping an eye out for a new score.”

  “Ian, I’m not listening to you,” Gavin said.

  Ian picked up his beer and took another sip. Ahhh. Boy, you always have the best beer,” he said.

  “I wouldn’t know.”

  “Oh, did you want one? So anyway, I’m reading the papers and I see this article on those Faberge Eggs you talked about. Turns out…”

  “I didn’t talk about…” Gavin said.

  “A whole boatload of them is going to be on display at the Met next month,” Ian said. “Worth something like twenty million for the collection.”

  “I’m still not interested,” Gavin said.

  “Remember Muskrat?” Ian said.

  “Muscogee the custom’s agent?” Gavin said. “That Muskrat?”

  “The one and only,” Ian said. “A bigger crook than the both of us combined. For a small fee, he’ll supply us with date, time, box number of crate and all other customs information about the Faberge eggs. Even the warehouse customs ID numbers for warehouse location.”

  Gavin stared at Ian.

  “But, we got to meet with him tonight at the Pub right after dinner,” Ian said. “He goes on vacation tomorrow for two weeks and after that, it’s too late.”

  “Are you going to wear the dress?”

  “Kilt.”

  “Kilt.”

  “No, I’ll change if it will make you happy.”

  “It would.”

  “No problem.”

  “What time?”

  “That’s my brother-in-law,” Ian grinned.

  Muffie-Jo entered the kitchen. “Hey, Lee?” she said.

  “Yeah?”

  “Patience said to tell you her water broke.”

  Gavin stood up and left the kitchen.

  “Aw, sis,” Ian said.

  THE END