by Blair Holden
The way she pointed fingers, like I’d been the sole reason that her family was having problems, isn’t fair, and as much as I like to victimize myself, you’ve got to draw the line somewhere. But even as I wallow inside my house, just minutes away from Cole’s, I can’t help but think about every single thing she said to me. It was bound to happen. You don’t drop a bomb like that on a girl like me and expect it to be a thing of the past. I’m the kind of person who likes to stew over stuff, to sit on it and to overthink it to the point that my head could explode from all the cogs turning inside it.
Avoidance, then, is a perfectly great remedy. If I don’t think about it, if I pretend it never happened, then I can’t inflict that kind of torture on myself.
But there’s only so much you can deny when the person central to the issue is around you more times than not. Cole and I are having dinner with my dad, Travis, and Beth, and the picture we’re painting looks like something out of an Edgar Allen Poe short story. Cami would of course be our Oscar Wilde, but she’s left to meet up with some friends from school. Neither of us knows why Dad insisted on having dinner together, and we all wish he’d never done so. The atmosphere is thick with tension and awkwardness. There’s lingering anger toward my dad from both Travis and me; the kind of embarrassment we’ve had to face recently because of him is starting to wear us both down. We’ve wanted to present the joint family front for so long, but the deeper a reporter digs into his past, the weaker our connection gets.
Then there’s Travis and Beth, who’re acting like they can’t even stand to be in the same room as each other. Beth nearly bites my brother’s head off when he asks her if she wants more wine. I haven’t gotten around to asking her what the hell is wrong with them, and it makes me feel incredibly selfish. It’s been a couple of days since the Cassandra debacle, but whenever I close my eyes or leave my thoughts unguarded, our conversation is the default memory my brain reverts to.
“Hey, can you pass the chicken?” Cole nudges me with his elbow and I realize that I’ve been zoned out for the majority of our meal. The rest of the dinner passes in suffocating silence and the minute everyone’s done eating, we all but jump out of our seats. Beth isn’t staying with us and while she and Travis had leased an apartment prior to going to college together, the only other option she has to stay the night at is Megan’s. She sold off her mom’s house to pay tuition.
Travis doesn’t stop her when she tells us she’s leaving, and I follow her out the door.
“You okay?”
She doesn’t meet my eyes. “Yeah. What about you, though? Things looked a little strained between you and Cole.”
“Nice try, but we’re not talking about me, we’re talking about why you and my brother seem to be on the verge of killing one another. You’re not exactly the rosy picture of love right now.”
“And it feels like forever since it’s been that way.” She sighs and I realize that no amount of boyfriend drama justifies that fact that I’m being this bad of a friend.
“Let’s go, we need to get out of this house stat. I’ll go grab my purse.”
She nods, looking relieved. Maybe she’s needed someone to vent to all this time and I just haven’t been there for her.
Cole notices the fact that I’m leaving and maybe I should appreciate the fact that he’s so intuitive but right now I don’t. Things have been so awkward between us since what Cassandra said to me that we haven’t really spent any time together at all. When we are alone, it’s strained and distant, both of us at a loss for what to say. We’re both trying to move past what happened, to ignore the fact that both our families seem to think that we’re not meant to be together and that with every minute we spend together, we’re now trying to prove a point. When did our relationship become not about us but about proving everyone else wrong?
“Going somewhere?”
He’s helping my dad clear the table and, speaking of my dad, he leaves quietly to give us some privacy.
“Yeah, I think Beth needs someone to talk to.”
He tries to mask his disappointment but I see right through him, and it kills me to be distancing myself from him like this. But when I look at him, I see Cassandra and I remember all the hurtful things she’s said, the things I still haven’t properly sat down and thought about. “Oh, do you know when you’ll be back? My dad needs me to do a bunch of chores, but text me whenever you come home and I’ll come over.”
“Look, it’s getting late and the thing with Beth could take a while. She seems upset, and I haven’t really been acting like a good friend. I might stay with her and Megan tonight, so why don’t we just see each other tomorrow?”
His face falls and I feel like the worst person imaginable, but self-preservation can be a bitch sometimes. He looks like he’s about to say something, to tell me to snap out of it or pull my head out of my ass long enough to tackle our problems like a mature person.
But what he doesn’t know is that I’m a champion avoider. So before he makes me feel guilty enough to stay with him, I move past him and leave.
***
My mouth hangs open, the ice cream melting onto the tabletop. I’m well aware of the waitress from the other night glaring at me because she’s going to have to clear this mess up. But with the bomb that Beth’s just dropped, I couldn’t care less about my strawberry sundae, so you bet it’s one hell of a bomb.
“What?” I shriek and then sink into my seat when other customers stare at our table, and Beth gives me a look so cold it could give a lesser person frostbite.
“Really, Tessa, really? Do you want everyone and their grandmother to find out? I knew this was a bad idea.”
“I’m sorry, okay, I just wasn’t expecting you to say, well that. I can’t believe this is the first time I’m hearing about it.”
“We’ve done a good job of pretending we’re okay, but it’s gotten to the point where I can’t even look at him without it hurting. Things haven’t been okay with us for a while.”
“I’m so sorry…I probably shouldn’t be taking sides, but Travis is such an idiot.”
“That’s not nearly colorful enough of a term, but I think your good-girl ears might catch fire if I told you some of the things I said to him.” She snorts, flicking off the cream on her milkshake with the straw.
I cringe, trying to picture how a fight between two such headstrong people could turn out.
“And he hasn’t apologized? Not once?”
“He’s tried to talk to me, tried to make the situation better, but the words ‘I am sorry’ have never come out of his mouth. An apology would do us a world of good, it’d tell me that he’s actually ashamed of how he behaved, what he said but he doesn’t have a clue. He can’t even figure out why I’m so angry.”
Or maybe he’s just avoiding the real issue since he is, of course, my brother. We excel in a lack of communication and shutting people out when the walls close in.
“But are you okay now? I’m sorry, I can’t even imagine going through that.”
She shrugs, trying to play it off like she’s not affected at all, but even Beth can only be so strong. What she’s just told me, well, it would be enough to leave an impact for a considerable period of time.
“When I realized that I was late, my first instinct wasn’t panic. I wasn’t terrified by the idea of being pregnant,” she says calmly. “I mean it would’ve made sense to be shit scared since I’m a freshman in college, broke as hell, and in a relationship with a guy who’s still getting back on his feet. We’re nowhere near ready to be parents, and having a kid would be the worst possible thing for us right now, but I just remember being happy.”
“You’re the bravest person I know. It’d take more than a surprise pregnancy to get you down. I bet you’d make a great mom.”
She smiles sadly. “The only thing I was worried about was Travis’s reaction. I thought he’d be scared but happy at the same time, you know? We could do this, we could work together and make this happen. I’d drop out
of school, go back another time. I could get a job, he could take a few extra shifts at the club but…”
I wait for the next part, not wanting to hear how much my brother had messed up but at the same time wanting to be there for my friend as well.
“When he saw the pregnancy test, he lost it. He completely, absolutely lost it. If you’d seen the kind of panic attack he had…Jesus, it was like he became another person altogether. It took him a while to calm down; I had to make sure he was breathing. Then he started shouting, he wasn’t even directing all those words at me, I think he actually forgot I was in the same room. And right there, when I looked at him, the one thought running through my mind was that I hoped I wasn’t pregnant. I prayed, you know, for the first time in forever. Because with how things were going, I was about to be a single mom. He was acting like every guy my mom ever brought home, flaky, unreliable, mean.”
A single tear slips down her cheek, and I come up with a hundred ways to murder Travis.
“He got his wish, though, and so did I. I wasn’t pregnant; the time it took for the result to appear on the stick was probably the closest I’ve ever come to wishing I’d never started dating Travis. I hated him right then, hated that he would be so horrified by the idea of having a baby, a baby with me. And when it came back negative, I swear it was like someone had breathed life back into him.”
I don’t want to be the one to break them up, their relationship is theirs and theirs alone, but the fact that Beth is still with my brother and that they’re acting like nothing’s wrong is unlike either of them. The Beth I know would’ve kicked Travis to the curb right after getting the test results.
“You’re wondering why I’m still with him, aren’t you? Any guy who acts like this, well, it’s a pretty obvious sign that he’s an asshole. The warning bells couldn’t be ringing any louder, but the fact is,” she takes a deep breath, “Travis is a good guy, one of the best ones out there, and trust me, I’ve run into my fair share of douchebags. He’s not like any of them, which is why I’m so confused. I never expected this reaction from him, and all I want is to find out why. What was it about the possibility of me being pregnant that made him react in such a horrible way? Nothing’s the same between us now, and I know that we can’t go back to who we used to be, as hard as Travis is trying to make that happen. I love him and I want it to work, but we need to move forward, we need to figure things out.”
“Have you tried talking to him about what you want? Because all I see is a lot of anger, from both your sides. Have you sat down and actually said to him what you’ve just said to me?”
If this were a game show, I’d have huge arrows pointing toward me with the word hypocrite on them. I’ve hit a new low, actually giving advice that in my current state of affairs, I’d never follow.
“If we stopped arguing for half a second, maybe we could talk. There’s just a lot of anger between us right now. I can’t stand to be around him and he’s just reacting to that. Maybe we need time. I’ve been thinking about it a lot and I’ve realized that I can’t stay here for the entire summer. It’ll kill us, destroy what we have. One of these days we’ll say something to each other that we can’t take back and then it’ll all be over, just like that.”
The words hit a little too close to home. I don’t let her see it; Beth doesn’t need my problems on top of hers. But everything she’s just said resonates within me till the point that I see my situation mirrored in hers. Perhaps her pain is of a greater magnitude, of course it is, but both our relationships with men we love are on the verge of collapsing. The only difference is that she’s doing something about it.
“You want to leave? Where will you go?”
She shrugs. “I have some family in Boston, some old friends of my mom. I’ve been there before; it’s a nice place to get yourself sorted.”
“Oh.”
“I’m not sure when I’ll go; I still need to tell Travis about my plans. He’s not going to take them well, but I need the time alone.”
“Of course.”
“Thanks for listening, Tess, I know this puts you in a really difficult position, but I’m so glad to get all that off my chest.”
“Happy to help. You’re going to be okay, you know that, right? If there’s one person I can count on to get her life sorted out and soldier on, it’s you.”
She cries a little when she nods. “Yeah, never forget I’m a fighter.”
***
I don’t sleep that night, and by the time there’s a gentle tap at my door, I would kill for some coffee. Bleary eyed and utterly exhausted, I open the door to Cole’s smiling face. His smile gets even bigger when he notices that my sleep shirt is his football jersey.
Oh, who cares if we have attachment issues. There’s so much hatred and negativity in the world, and as I think about my parents’ relationship, about the problems that Beth and Travis are facing, and, oddly enough, even Nicole, who fought so hard to be loved that I realize that it’s important to hold on to true love if you’ve found it.
I’m almost okay with the ridiculous amount of money I’m still paying for college because it seems like I’ve actually matured.
“Hey,” I smile, “didn’t expect you so early.” I open the door to let him in, and he just stands there at the threshold looking adorable and fresh faced while I probably look like a sweaty gym locker, and smell like one too.
Wonderful.
“I thought the best time to ambush you would be when your brain is functioning at minimum capacity.”
“So anytime that’s in the AM?”
He grins. “Tricks of the trade. Speaking of which, I have coffee and bagels waiting for us downstairs. Why don’t you take a shower, get dressed, and we’ll go out after breakfast?”
“Is this a nice way of telling me I stink?”
“No, it’s just my way of getting you out of my jersey, because the longer I see you in it, the more I want to close this door behind me and not leave for hours.”
I bite the inside of my cheek and back into my room. “I’ll be downstairs shortly.”
After I finish getting dressed, I head downstairs to find my dad and Cole talking over coffee. It warms my heart to see him taking care of my family as well as me. Most boys don’t care about their significant other’s parents or siblings, but Cole has been there for me every step of the way. Yet another thought to keep in mind before I decide to throw it all away.
“Hey, Tess, didn’t mean to steal your boyfriend, but I needed a sounding board.”
“What for?” I sip the caffeinated nectar of the gods and eye my cream cheese bagel.
“It’s time for me to step away from politics. While it’s been great to be in office, it’s not worth the trouble it’s caused you kids. Hell, the only reason I got so involved was because your mom insisted. Clearly I’m not good at these things, and it’s cost me my marriage and nearly cost me my relationship.”
Dad’s current girlfriend, Danielle, has been such a trooper through the entire mess. Anyone else would’ve gone running for the hills, but she knows the ins and outs of this business and she’s been with him every step of the way, even when Travis and I had distanced ourselves.
“I’ve invested in a few places so we should be okay with our finances, I hope…”
“Dad, it’s not about the money. It never has been, and I hope you haven’t continued to be this unhappy just because of that alone.”
He seems relieved but shakes his head. “I had my reasons, but I’m glad you’re on board. Now I just need to talk to Travis and your grandfather. Wish me luck.”
I kiss his cheek as he moves away to make some important calls.
“You give pretty good advice, huh?” I turn to Cole and he’s grinning from ear to ear. The mess with Cassandra still lingers at the back of my mind; like the annoying sound you have the misfortune of hearing on the radio, her words refuse to leave my head. But I’m fighting till I drop.
“Well, I thought that if I wanted us to get back on
track, I needed to make certain things happen. This is just the start of it all. I’m not letting us fall apart so easily.”
My heart drums in my chest. “But you’re aware that there’s a risk, that what happened with Cassandra could change us?”
His face goes ashen. “She’s convinced that she’s right. Tessie, I want to fight for us, I want to scream and yell at her that she was way out of line by attacking you like that, but you need to understand that she’s my mother, the closest thing I have to one. I can’t—”
“I’m not asking you to destroy your relationship with her. That’s the last thing I want! But don’t you realize what she’s done? All I’ve been thinking about since that day is whether or not you’re happy. And not happy as in, are you happy with me but that all my problems have robbed you of the ability to live a normal, drama-free life.”
“And you think that was my life before you? Normal and drama free?”
“But I don’t want our relationship to be an extension of that! I want you to be happy, and right now I’m walking on eggshells to make sure that nothing about me or my family or my stupid insecurities does anything to affect you.”
“That’s not the way this works!” He’s close to yelling. “We’re in this together. I don’t give a fuck what she said to you; you don’t get to hide any part of yourself from me. As ugly as it gets, I’m going to be there for you.”
“But aren’t you sick of it? Sick of all the ugly? Don’t you ever wish to be with the kind of girl that all your friends seem to be dating? Spontaneous, outgoing, carefree, like fucking bottled sunshine. A girl who’d have the guts to wear your jersey and show up at any damn game? I’m not that girl, Cole, there’s something wrong with how I’ve been wired. Don’t you think you deserve a break?”
