by Blair Holden
“The fact that you even have to ask that question…it makes me wonder if you’ve ever truly believed in how much I love you. If you’re going to let every little thing come in our way, then maybe it’s best if I give you some space to think about what you really want, who you really want. If you’re looking for excuses to get rid of me, I’ll never give you one. If you need time to sort out whatever’s going through your head, then fine, take that time. But you have to know that I’ll always keep waiting for you. Cassandra might have been the reason we’re having this conversation now, but don’t tell me these thoughts weren’t there in the first place.”
“You know what, if you’re so convinced that your mom somehow psychoanalyzed the shit storm that was already brewing in my head, then feel free to think that way. You don’t want to damage your relationship with her? Don’t. But you know what? I’ll take that space you were offering; I feel like I could really use some of it to recover from the trauma she put me through!”
By this point we’re both yelling loud enough that the neighbor’s dog starts barking, of course it also means that my dad and brother hear all of it.
So I’m both relived and heartbroken when Cole leaves without a word.
Chapter Twelve: Turning Bad Breakups into a Savings Account for Dummies
“Self-discovery, soul searching, the road to getting in touch with the real you…”
“How about calling it for what it is, you know, something along the lines of utter bullshit.”
Cami pulls my laptop away from me and throws herself on my bed. “I’m all for giving your friend time and space when they’re going through a tough breakup, but…”
“We did not break up!” I’ve been telling the same thing to everyone who has asked why I constantly looked like someone had murdered all the joy and happiness inside of me. Wednesday Addams, for example, would look like the picture of joy and the eternal ray of sunshine compared to how I’d been acting.
“Call it what you want, or how about you use my personal favorite term, a colossal mistake? A huge one, the size of Canada!”
I groan and throw a pillow at her. “I get it, okay? You’ve made your point well enough; my personal favorite was when you stood outside my door at five in the morning and blared ‘Sorry Seems to Be the Hardest Word’ on repeat for an hour.”
“Well, you could do with a little bit of Elton in your life, that’s all I’m saying.”
“I’m not completely clueless, you know? I realize that things got a little out of hand the other day but—”
“Out of hand? I could hear you from my room, and trust me, I had to resist the urge to come downstairs and punch you in the boob, several times.”
“That sounds painful.”
“Oh, it would’ve been, trust me. Girl, I want to shake you up, put you through a shredder and piece you back together. If I’d known how far back the damage went, I would’ve intervened much earlier.”
“What do you mean?” I’m suddenly self-conscious. Cami has seen a lot of my home life in the week and a half she’s been home with me. None of it puts me in a good light; having her witness both my family and my relationship disintegrate isn’t really what I want. I’d known her own situation at home wasn’t the best, and that’s why I wanted her to come home with me and see my world for a few weeks. How could I have foreseen that it would all go to hell?
I also hadn’t anticipated the fact that she would see a new side of me. Of course she witnesses my multiple breakdowns back at college, but they’d been contained, to a certain extent. I knew I had classes to go to, other obligations I just couldn’t shove to a side. But here, it’s so easy to fall into a routine of self-pity and wallowing.
“I’m just going to go out there and say it.”
“Please don’t, I’ve had enough of tough love this week to last a lifetime.”
“Please, I’m not going to go nearly as crazy as step monster, whom, I should say, I thoroughly disagree with. Adults think they’ve got it all figured out, huh? Let me tell you, she must be feeling pretty shitty about herself right now. If she thought Cole was unhappy before, when he was actually with you, I’d love to see her reaction to post-argument Cole.”
I feel no sense of victory; nor am I gloating. What do I even gain out of this? Day two post argument, I’d had to break down and tell Cami the truth because she wouldn’t stop badgering me. There’s only so much you can hide from a person if they’re living with you, unless you’re someone as clueless as my dad or as wound up in your own personal hell like Travis. Beth left quietly, with just a simple text message. He’s shattered, and I’m too scared to approach him because I feel like I would take a side and it wouldn’t be his.
We’re such a joyous household right now.
“Back to my original point. I just think everybody in your life handles you with kid gloves. They walk around you like you’re made out of glass and like the smallest blow would shatter you. You do nothing to fight that image, well, not enough to send out the message that you don’t need coddling. I’m not aware of what you had to go through to warrant such attention but—”
“It’s not that traumatic, believe me, or, well, that’s what I like to tell myself. I was bullied a lot in high school by my former-best-friend-turned-worst-enemy, mostly for my weight, so first there’s the body issues. She hated my guts, stole the guy I’d been crushing on my entire life, and had one of her sidepieces try to molest me. Throw some mommy issues in there, with a side of alcoholic brother and a whole bunch of Yolandas and you’ll get the gist.”
She gapes at me. “Who the why the what the actual fuck?”
“In the grand scheme of things, it’s not the worst a person has to go through, I know that. The world is a terrible place and terrible things happen to good people every single day. I’m a textbook first-world problem. right? Poor little girl, can’t stand to be made fun of by her peers. High school drama? Yeah, get over it, you’re in college already. Who cares if you have nineteen years’ worth of insecurities, just put it in the past—that’s where it belongs. Don’t let it affect your present relationships. I get that, I’ve told myself the same thing a million times but…”
“Tessa, I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to be insensitive. I’d never belittle whatever it is that you’ve struggled through.”
I wave off the apology. I’m not insulted or angry at her at all. “You’re right. The people I love, my family, my friends, they do tiptoe around me to some extent. They’re afraid to say the wrong thing at the wrong time, and I gladly let them do that. Maybe that’s why the confrontation with Cassandra took such a toll on me.”
“If you want my advice, then I’d say that Cole’s stepmom is wrong, and maybe she’s too convinced about what she wants for him to think of it from any other perspective. My view, for example, is that the two of you are perfect, if someone just lets you exist in your own little bubble. Because there’s nothing wrong with the two of you together, okay? Angels sing and there are hearts in the air when I see you two with each other. It’s just every other factor that makes it all seem so difficult.”
I almost laugh. “And what do you suggest we do? Live on an island, just the two of us?”
“As long as the island has cell reception and a spa for when I come visit, I’m all for it. But seriously, Tessa, I can’t believe I actually have to say this to you. What you have? It’s so good. Do you realize how lucky you are to have found your soulmate? If I could find that one guy that makes my heart sing, I’d never let him go. All these dates I have to go on, trying to connect with one frat boy after the other, is that what you want? Do you want to date a guy you feel half what you feel for Cole and have it all be simple, or do you want to be with Cole and face everything head-on? It’s as simple as that. And when you know the answer, you’ll know what to do. All of this bullshit? It’s nothing compared to finding your one true love.”
“Wow.” It actually feels like the fog’s clearing in my head. Everything is in HD and I see it, I s
ee the point Cami’s trying to make. I’ve been told a version of it a couple of times before, by Megan, by Beth, by Travis, and by my dad, but I somehow always manage to forget it when the tough times actually come calling. Then I revert to what I know, safety and shutting people out. It’s all too easy to do whatever you can to save yourself, even if that means distancing yourself from the one person who can make you happy. Yes, Cassandra said some pretty horrible things that will take me some time to get over. It’ll make me question myself a little more, which is a bummer, but at the heart of it, she doesn’t know what Cole and I have—not like we know. All this talk about us being wrong for each other, for having a toxic relationship, for being unhealthy…don’t they know that he’s the purest thing I have in my life?
“I’m going to hug you now, and it’ll probably squeeze the life out of you, so be warned,” I tell Cami, my skin itching to race out of bed and go see Cole, even it means running into Cassandra.
“I’d expect nothing less.”
And we have a beautiful moment, right up until the point where she starts cackling. “Jay Jay, you crushed on Jay Jay? How do you even see him as someone remotely sexual? He has the personality of drying paint!”
“I know, right?”
She wipes a tear from her eye. “Now about these Yolandas you speak of, do I want to know?”
So I tell her the whole sordid tale. And if the Cami voodoo is real, somewhere in the world, Erica is in a lot of pain.
***
So it’s taken me two days to pull my head out of my butt, and it’s been two days of radio silence from Cole. It’s extremely unlike him, because whenever we argue, he’s the first to reach out and apologize, even if it’s not his fault. I’m a little more stubborn, and never up until this moment have I appreciated his kindness, his persistence to make us work, and his heart more than I do now. With Cami’s help, I finally managed to get out of my sweats and dress up a little. I’m wearing Cole’s favorite pale yellow summer dress with delicate lace detailing with the hopes that a little cleavage will help me win him back. I wince as I remember the things I said to him the other morning. Maybe I can blame it all on my hormones? That’s probably the point where he’ll stop wanting to know more.
With a little extra bounce in my step and in my curled hair, I make my way to his house. My palms only start sweating when I’m at the door, my hands on the buzzer. If Cassandra answers, it’ll be a rather awkward start to Operation Shortcake, or at least that’s what Cami calls it. If I look down the road close enough, I can almost see her at my doorstep, waving imaginary pom-poms.
I take a deep breath and press the buzzer. I wait patiently for three minutes or so before a very shirtless Jay comes out. Okay, better than Cassandra. We’re already doing so well!
“Hey.” I beam at him and ignore the fact that he’s sweaty and panting. I might either have interrupted him while he’d been playing a sport or…Stephanie.
“Oh, hey, Tessa. Sorry, I was just…yeah,” he jerks his thumb backward, “do you mind waiting for just a sec while I put a shirt on?”
“Sure, no problem, do that.” I nod, trying to hide a smile. I don’t know exactly what it is that Cole’s said to him, but I think I like this version of Jay, the one who seems to be terrified of me.
But I do notice that he doesn’t invite me in, and I have no intention of making myself feel at home when there’s obvious hostility in the air.
Now dressed, Jay comes hurrying back and shuts the door behind him. He seems even more uncomfortable around me than usual, and I have a bad feeling that I’m not going to like whatever he has to say to me. Jason Stone has always been the bearer of bad news for me.
“So, I take it Cole’s not home?”
Jay drops his head and kicks a pebble on the ground. “No, he, uh, he left last night.”
My heart plummets. “What do you mean he left? Where did he go?”
“Look, I wish I could tell you, and I swear I wanted to come get you last night when things started getting out of hand, but he made me promise that I’d wait until he’d left before telling you. So I did and then today, I just didn’t know how to talk to you.”
“Jay, could you for the love of God tell me what happened last night?” I have to stop myself from shrieking.
“He had a fight, with my mom. We were having dinner and she said something about you, how maybe it was a good idea for the two of you to have some time apart, and he just…exploded. I’ve never seen him act this way before. But to be fair, I was waiting for it to happen since all the hints mom’s been dropping about it being a good idea that you two were taking a break. Jesus, I told her to cut it out…”
“And he left? He had a fight with Cassandra and he just left?”
“Well there’s more…”
“Oh no.” I know where this is going.
“Oh yeah, you know how it gets when Dad and Cole fight and of course Dad had to get a word in. They made me leave the room, but I can tell things got pretty ugly, especially between those two.”
I know that both Cole and Sheriff Stone have hot tempers around each other and as much as they love one another, when father and son don’t see eye to eye, things tend to get ugly.
“I bet he didn’t take kindly to Cole being disrespectful toward Cassandra.”
“Look, if it helps, Dad, uh, James, didn’t like what mom was up to either. He’s told her repeatedly not to interfere, but when they started arguing, he had to step in, and he might have said some stuff to Cole that he shouldn’t have. He’s beating himself up right now and Mom can’t stop crying. They don’t know where he is and I don’t either; we’ve already checked in with Nana Stone and he’s not with her.”
Breathe in, breathe out, breathe in, breathe out. Do not cry in front of Jason Stone, of all people, Tessa, have some dignity. I take a few more fortifying breaths and wrap my head around the fact that my boyfriend literally ran away from home without so much as saying a word to me.
“Do you have any idea where else he could be?”
“I was actually coming to talk to you and ask if you knew.” He looks as disappointed as I feel.
“Just give me a second here to think, okay? I…don’t know what to say. I can’t believe your mom did this.”
To his credit, he doesn’t defend her, maybe because he knows that if he dares to do so, I will most definitely knee him in the family jewels.
“Look, I’m here. If at any point you think of a place he’s gone to, let me know. His phone’s off and I’ve left voicemails, but the last person he’s going to want to talk to is me.”
I shake my head, with enough sadness in the movement that even the neighbor’s dog that’s been barking at us the entire time gives me a pitiful look.
“You’re wrong, Jay; that person would be me.”
***
I keep trying his phone, figuring that he’d have to power it on at some time. He’s reckless but not irresponsible, and he’s bound to know that there are tons of people back home worried sick about him. Mostly me, his parents, and possibly Jay, but we’re reason enough that he needs to get back on the grid.
“I can’t believe he’s doing this!”
“Oh yes, God forbid that Cole has a tantrum for once. He must have missed the memo about you being the resident tantrum-thrower in the relationship.” Cami oozes sarcasm as she goes about my kitchen making dinner. I’m a pathetic, nervous mess and too jittery to help her. My dad’s in a career-change depression and Travis hasn’t left his room for days. Cami has decided that we need a home-cooked meal to get back on track, so she’s been pottering around the kitchen the entire evening. But I’m too distraught to even acknowledge how good the meatball sauce smells.
“Look, I’m going to add in my two cents here if you need them, and I really do think this little town could use more of the Cami Hughes magic.”
“Yes, oh wise one, please do tell, how do I find my boyfriend?”
“Step one, don’t try to find him. Before, I was totall
y in favor of you rushing into his arms and declaring your undying love, but now that he’s left, I’d say he needs some time to lick his wounds. Imagine being in his position—you broke his heart, and his home life doesn’t sound too great either. If he wants to escape, maybe let him? You’re not the only one afforded that luxury, remember? Albeit you do escape into your own head and it’s a pain in the derriere to get you out, but maybe he just needs time as well.”
“No.”
“No?”
“Yes, no.”
“Now you’re confusing me. Yes or no? Are we giving him space or not?”
“We aren’t doing anything, I am. I am going to find where he is, fall to my knees and—”
“Whoa there, let’s keep it PG here, girl, your dad’s in the other room.”
I roll my eyes. “—apologize, you pervert. You said so yourself, this relationship, it’s about me and Cole, it’s about us working hard to make it work, and I’ll be damned if I let him be alone right now, torturing himself with thoughts and ideas that are untrue. He’s fought so hard to be a different person. He doesn’t live in the past; not like I do. But I’m worried that if we push him too hard, he’ll go back to that dark place where he feels like no one will accept him for who he is, like he’s not good enough. I can’t let that happen, not to him. He’s everything that’s good about life, good about me. If he goes back into that kind of darkness, I don’t think I’ll be able to pull him out of it, not like what he’s done for me.”
“I know you can and I know you would if that ever happened. But, for what it’s worth, and I know I haven’t known Cole for that long of a time, but I can say that he’s so strong. And I say that on the basis of just how much he cares for you, how steady and devoted he is to making sure you’re happy. It takes a special kind of strength to be that selfless. Also, great job! You passed the test. I’m glad you’re not giving him space, because that’s not what he needs right now.”
“You’re going to make me cry again.”
