by Blair Holden
“Not again!” She hits me with a spatula. “Haven’t you gone through a lifetime supply of those? How is your body even capable of producing any more tears?” She makes an aggravated sound and dumps a whole lot of grated cheese into the meatball mixture. “Wait till you eat these meatballs, you’ll never cry again, well, except for tears of joy.”
Ah, if only things were so simple.
***
I’m hoping that I’ve got the right lead when I call Landon, one of Cole’s best friends from military school. The friends even go to college near us, which makes it easy for the boys to hang out during the weekends. While Megan’s boyfriend, Alex, is Cole’s best friend from home, I think Lan, Seth, and Jameson have a different kind of connection, one you can only form when you’re doing drills and PT at six in the morning. I have a gut feeling that it’s with Lan that Cole is right now, so I’m highly optimistic while dialing his number. Cole once took me to visit him, and even as flashbacks of Kimmy’s past haunt my thoughts, inwardly I’m grinning. If Lan lives in the same area, it’ll take me about two hours to get there, which isn’t long at all; if I leave now, I could get there by…
“Hello?”
“Lan? Hey, how are you? It’s me, Tessa.”
The time I’d taken to conjure up a romantic reunion with Cole has thrown me off my game and I don’t know exactly what to say to him. I’m not great at small talk, so I’m wondering if I should just get to the point where I ask him whether or not Cole’s with him. But talking is pointless; it’s obvious that Lan is out somewhere, given the volume of the music in the background. I pull the phone away from my ear and then try talking over it.
“Hey, can you hear me?”
“Wait, let me get out of here,” he shouts and then a minute later, the music is thankfully gone.
I do what I’d intended to, skip the pleasantries and ask him if he’s seen Cole, and my stomach drops when he confirms, “Yeah he’s here, but look, honestly, I don’t think you should come up to see him right now.”
I get mad quickly because I’m sick of people telling me what to do, especially about Cole.
“We just had a little argument and he’s hurt over something that happened at home. Please just take good care of him. I’ll be there as quickly as possible.”
He groans, not a great response. “Tessa, just wait, okay? Look, I’ll be the first person to try to get the two of you to fix things, but he just needs time to blow off some steam. You have to know that he’s pissed.”
“So he told you?”
“I got the drunk CliffsNotes version, but yeah, I do, and my honest suggestion would be to let him be for a few more days, okay?”
I’m about to tell him where he can take his honest suggestion when a drunken voice in the background catches my attention. I’d know that voice anywhere.
“He’s hammered, isn’t he?”
“Absolutely.”
I close my eyes and take a deep breath, glad that I’m alone while doing this.
“Can you please put him on the phone?”
“I don’t think that’s a good idea, he’s really out of it.”
“Just let me talk to him, I won’t say much. I just need to know if he’s okay.”
It takes him a while to pass on the phone to Cole. I can hear Lan telling him that it’s me on the line, and my heart breaks when Cole tells him that he doesn’t want to talk to me. The exchange between the two goes on for a while, until I hear Cole’s voice getting louder and more aggressive. Hurt, deeper than I’ve known in a while, encompasses me. He doesn’t want to talk to me, not at all. I hear the sound of a door slamming and then an awkward and apologetic Lan comes back on the line.
“I’m sorry you had to hear that.”
“Forget about that, he probably won’t remember it in the morning, and I don’t want you to remind him either. But just take good care of him, please. He’s not in a good place right now. I’m going to talk to his dad; we can fix this.”
“Whatever you say, Tessa. Just let me know whenever you’re ready to come see him, just not tomorrow because he’s a bitch when he’s hung over.”
I half cry, half laugh.
***
“So we’re going?”
“Of course we are.”
“But the thing Lan said about giving it time and what not…”
“Before things got out of hand and I basically shot myself in the foot, Cole told me that he’d never be the one to give up on us and he would always wait for me. It’s up to me to fix this.”
“Finally,” Cami whoops.
“So you think I’m right?”
“I think you’re finally manning up and being the one who’s doing the fighting, you know, as opposed to the girl who always needs to be fought for. Cut Cole some slack, maybe after all this time he deserves some wooing. Have you ever done that? Wooed him?”
And I think about our story, about all that we’ve been through, and I realize that it’s always been up to Cole to be the person who sweeps me off my feet. All the magic, all the grand gestures, he’s the one who chased me, made me fall in love with him, who in a sense holds us together. And while feeling a sense of gratitude toward him for wanting to love me is unhealthy, it’s not gratitude I feel; it’s just an overwhelming sense of love and appreciation, and the realization that I’m lucky to have found him.
I make the arrangements with Lan via texting and talk to my dad about the rest. He’s being incredibly supportive, but that could have something to do with his guilt. It takes me a day and a half of more planning before I’m able to leave. The time for the grand gesture, for the chase, and for stubbornly pursuing my man is mine, whether he wants me to or not.
Chapter Thirteen: Smoldering and Sexy, the Double S’s of Doom
Cami whistles as we walk into the apartment. “I think I’m moving in and never leaving.” She drops her bags in the middle of the open-space floor plan, spreads her arms, and spins in a circle. “This is glorious.”
It sure is. Turns out Lan’s father actually owns the apartment building where he lives, which makes it that much easier for me and what I have planned. This apartment is similar to the one Lan has, gorgeous wooden floors, cream accents, and glass windows that take up the entire wall. It’s been furnished pretty generically, waiting for the next owner to bring in the warmth and some personal touches. But as far as furnished apartments go, I think we got pretty lucky. It’s wide, generous in the space it gives, especially the three bedrooms. As we explore more, we find that it has the kitchen of Cami’s dreams with the rustic industrial countertops and top-of-the-line equipment. She drools over it as I head on upstairs to the master bedroom, which takes up the entire floor. A massive bed with an upholstered headboard takes up the entire space, but the room, like the downstairs, is done in accents of cream and white with the wooden flooring. Once again you have a massive window overtaking the wall, and the entire place feels a little dreamy with the light pouring in like that. This is the kind of apartment I have in mind when I think about moving in with Cole, and for a split second, I think about life after college, when and if we move back closer to home.
But right now isn’t the time to think about the future, if there’s a future. Because for all my bravado when leaving home and driving here, I’m scared as heck. Maybe this time I’ve done too much, said too much. And maybe my biggest fear, that one day my insecurities would drive Cole away, could be coming true. There’s only so much baggage a guy should have to deal with, and mine would fill all of LAX, twice.
Shaking off the negative thoughts, I turn around and leave the dream room behind me. I can think of the smaller things later, like my perfect apartment with its perfect bedroom, perfect location. Right now, it’s time for the bigger picture, such as the fact that I may have pushed my boyfriend too far away.
“Okay, it’s official! I want to live here; let’s just temporarily forget the fact that I could never afford this, but a girl can Instagram it, tweet it, snap it, and you know, dream about it.”
She takes out her phone and then I’ve lost her to the social media vortex.
I’m not as at home as quickly as she is because the fact that Cole is two floors down and unaware that I’m here makes me both nervous and, well, even more nervous. I’d say I’m excited, but I don’t have any clue what his reaction’s going to be. Maybe he needs more time apart, but that is exactly why my new plan is genius.
“So what’s the first step? Are we meeting up with the hottie military school delinquent first or grabbing some food?”
“Stop calling him that; he’s not a delinquent. People go to military school for a ton of reasons that aren’t the fact that they are criminally inclined.”
“But you didn’t deny the fact that he’s hot. Is he hot? How hot? On a scale from One Direction to Chris Hemsworth, how hot are we talking?”
“I’d say he’s a solid Chris Evans.”
“Yay!” She claps her hands. “I love me some Chris.”
Things with her and Parker, one of Cole’s teammates, cooled considerably once she realized that he’d been chatting up a couple of girls at the same time. While there wasn’t any obvious cheating, he’d been an unapologetic flirt, and I guess Cami finally realized the need to break things off with him. I won’t lie, the prospect of a Lan and Cami is wonderful. Knowing both of them, I’d say they’d make one heck of an entertaining couple. But I’m not going to play matchmaker when my own love life is such a mess.
The bell rings and Cami bounces excitedly. “Do you think that’s Chris? I mean Lan? Do I look effortlessly gorgeous with a side of sassy and spontaneous? Like I’m the kind of girl who could walk the runway but also go for like a hike?”
“How does a girl like that look, exactly?”
“You are a terrible, terrible wing woman. Now just tell me that I look pretty and go fetch the pretty boy.”
She does look pretty, though; with a black bodysuit and high-waisted shorts, she’s showing off her slim figure and curves. If Lan’s on the market, then I’d say he’s about to hit the jackpot.
I look through the peephole and he’s standing there with a bunch of grocery bags in his hand. As the door swings open, I don’t even get a chance to say hi before he engulfs me in an awkward hug, arms laden with reusable bags.
“I’m so glad to see you.”
Awkwardly patting his bag, I say, “You too, Lan. Jeez, I didn’t know you missed me that much, or liked me, for that matter.”
He pulls away, grinning, and his dark hair falls adorably across his forehead. He’s six feet of gorgeousness, with rakish good looks. Lush, dark hair; green eyes that I’m mesmerized by whenever I see him, and a lean swimmer’s body all lead up to one beautiful male specimen. I can practically feel Cami swooning behind me.
“Aw, I like you plenty, Tessa, but that was for the sweet, sweet relief in my future now that I won’t have to babysit Cole anymore.” He bypasses me and runs straight into Cami. Or collides. When meeting Cami for the first time, it’s like being hit by a truck headfirst and then having a car ram into you from all remaining sides. It is by no means a smooth process.
“Uh, hello, Tessa’s friend whose name I’d love to know. I’m Lan.” He extends his hand toward her and she takes a step forward. Giving him a thorough once-over, she looks toward me and gives me a thumbs-up. “I think we’ll get along just fine.”
***
While Lan and Cami continue their crazy flirting, I start putting away the groceries that Lan was kind enough to bring by. I’m guessing Cole told him a little about my Nutella and Kit Kat obsessions since I’m unpacking jar after jar of the spread and three packs of mini Kit Kats. Oh boy…
“So what’s the plan? Are you going down to see him?” Lan asks, coming over to help me.
“I don’t know. Should I? How’s he doing?”
Lan scratches the back of his neck, looking a little sheepish. “I’d say it would be a great idea to let him sleep off the hangover and try later.”
“Again? I thought you said you threw everything away and hid his fake ID.”
“Well, he found another way to get his hands on some alcohol, because I came home last night and he was trashed, again.”
“So what kind of a drunk is Cole exactly, Petunia?” Cami asks me.
“He’s uh…it’s complicated. Depending on the situation, he can get emotional or really emotional.”
“So a sentimental drunk. We can work with that.”
“What do you have in mind, Blondie?”
“The cutesy nickname doesn’t work when you have two blondes in the room, but nice try.”
And Lan looks trumped, so he stops with the come-ons for a while.
“Look, she didn’t come here to sit on her hands and wait. But at the same time, we’ve got to be really careful because this is it, she needs to make it work now. If she keeps revisiting the past and letting it come between them, there’s not much that anyone can do. So if she’s in this, then she’s in it for good and she’s got to do it the right way,” she passionately explains to Lan; there’s a lot of hand movement involved.
“I concur. And think about it, Tessa, who’re you really hurting with all this back and forth? Yeah, you’re protecting yourself, but the only one who’s getting affecting by all of this is Cole. Don’t you think he’s got enough problems with his family? He trusts you to have his back because you’re his girl, and it sucks that you two can’t find a way to just put all that unnecessary drama behind you.”
“What pretty boy just said. You know, for a good-looking guy, you’re not too much of a Neanderthal.”
“Are you guys done or should I leave the room?”
“Yes,” they say in unison, then Cami adds, “I mean yes, we’re done, not yes, you should leave the room because pfft, that’s so not needed.”
“Whatever you say, Blondie. But, Tessa, sorry about that. Continue.”
“Well, great, because the first step in my attempt to get my relationship back under control is to stop letting so many voices crowd my head when it comes to Cole. I respect your opinions and I’m thankful that you’re helping me out, but here’s the thing, I messed up and I will fix this. But I’ve got to do it on my own terms.”
“Of course.”
“You’re right, sorry I got carried away.” That’s Lan.
“Why don’t you girls settle down and I’ll come check on you later? I don’t think Cole’s going to notice that I’m gone, but even he might get suspicious if I’m not back by now.”
“Thanks so much for the help, Lan, I really do appreciate it.”
He winks. “No problem. It’s nice to see him with the girl he’s spent all these years chasing. It’ll be interesting to see how you chase him, though.”
“I did learn from the best, so I’ve got a few tricks up my sleeve.”
Now I just hope that they work.
***
The first day that I see him is the day after Cami and I arrived. It’s taken a day for the nerves to settle down and for me to convince myself that I’m not crowding Cole. Maybe sometimes in a relationship you need to give your other half space, and we’ve never really done that. I think partly that’s because we do know each other so well that it becomes hard to create a similar bond with another person. Add to that the fact that we moved to college together, separated ourselves from our friends and family, and the only people we could rely on were each other. Yes, college brought us closer than ever, so it’s a little understandable that the concept of “space” and what it entails in relationship terms gives me anxiety.
If he wants to go on a summer-long trip to South America with the boys? No problem! If he tells me he wants space, then you might as well alert Nestlé, because I will be depleting their stock of Kit Kats.
Which is why when I see him in the parking lot, getting out of his car and ready to walk into the lobby, I intercept him. Perhaps Cami would’ve planned this out a little more smoothly and I’d be looking nicer, but all the material aspects are so crazy. He’s
seen me in a tiny dress with a lot of makeup on and he’s seen me even more regularly with bedhead and Scooby-Doo pajamas, so trying to impress him sounds like a ridiculous idea.
“Cole,” I call out to him but he doesn’t hear me. It could have something to do with the fact that my voice has suddenly decided to desert me. I barely make a squeak, suddenly so nervous. Maybe a red lipstick would’ve helped after all.
“Cole,” I say a little louder; he’s headed right in my direction toward where I’m waiting at the steps leading to the entrance of the apartment building. My hands shake as I contemplate screaming, but he hears me this time around, raises his head, and squints like he’s not really sure it’s me.
The fact that he’s standing more than ten feet away, simply staring at me and not moving, as if not even daring to breathe, is making me second-guess like crazy. It’s a good thing I’m working on those insecurities of mine, otherwise this would be really awkward.
“Tessie? What…how…when did you get here?”
He rushes toward me, his gait a little clumsy, and then suddenly he’s close by and suddenly nothing else matters. I’m back in my favorite place in the entire world, engulfed in Cole’s scent and surrounded by his warmth.
“Hey.” My voice is softer, quieter. Now that I’m here with him, it’s a little more difficult to formulate actual sentences. I have lot to say to him, a lot to apologize for, but I’m just so relieved to just be with him that it’s reduced my brain to mush. The nervousness isn’t normal, especially not when you’ve been dating for more than a year, but that’s the thing with Cole. No matter how long it’s been, being with him still sends tingles down my spine. It’s harder when I think about the fact that just a few days ago he didn’t want to talk to me, the incident with Cole refusing to answer the phone while I’d waited. But I could understand his anger; his fight with his family must’ve made it twice as bad for him.
His eyes are warm, almost glazed over, the blue almost iridescent in the afternoon sun. He’s got a few days’ worth of stubble on his face, which I’m suddenly a fan of, and he’s looking at me like a man starved.
