Twelve Sharp

by Janet Evanovich

  My eyes went to the knit cap. Eighty degrees out, and he was wearing a knit cap. I looked at the mug shot on his bond agreement. Yow. Torched hair.

  'Anything go up in flames besides your hair?' I asked him.

  The entire north side of the banquet room. Luckily no one was hurt. Except for the maitre d'. I broke his nose when he threw beer on me. That was before I knew my hair was on fire.'

  'It's probably not so bad,' I said. 'Take your hat off. Maybe we can fix it.'

  He took his hat off, and I tried not to grimace. He had patches of angry red scalp and tufts of singed hair. And it was all greasy with salve.

  'Have you been to a doctor?'

  'Yeah,' he said. 'He gave me the salve to put on.'

  'You should shave your head. Shaved heads are sexy these days.'

  He rolled his eyes up like he was trying to see the top of his head. 'I guess so, but I don't think I can do it myself.'

  'Get dressed and we'll go to a hair salon before I take you to court.'

  'Okay, but not the one on Hamilton. She's a big busybody. And not the one on Chambers Street. My ex-wife goes there. And I don't want to go to the mall. Everyone looks at you. And it's all women in there. I'd feel funny. Maybe you could find someplace where men get shaved.'

  'What's this?' Bernie asked. 'Why are we here?'

  'This is the only place I could think of where men regularly get shaved.'

  'This is a funeral parlor.'

  'Yeah, have you ever seen anyone laid out with a two-day-old beard? No. Everyone's perfectly groomed when they get put in the box. And it's very private. And I just met these guys. They're new here. And they seem nice. And they make their own cookies.'

  'It's creepy.'

  'Don't be such a whiner. This is what I came up with. Take it or leave it.'

  Bernie got out of the Mini and followed me into the funeral home. I walked through the lobby and saw that the office door was open. I could see Dave Nelson at his desk. He was wearing a crisp white dress shirt and navy slacks. He looked up and smiled when I got close.

  'We have a problem,' I told him.

  'Oh dear. I'm so sorry.'

  'Not that kind of problem. Bernie here has had a hair disaster and needs someone to shave his head. I know you guys shave men all the time, so I thought maybe you could help us out.'

  Bernie took his hat off, and Dave yelled for his partner. 'Scooter is here somewhere,' Dave said. 'He's wonderful with hair and makeup. He used to work at the Estée Lauder counter at Saks.'

  'Estée Lauder,' Bernie said. 'I don't know. That's women's stuff.'

  Scooter came up behind us. 'Estée Lauder has a wonderful line just for men. A dab of their eye serum each night would take years off your face,' he said to Bernie. He extended his hand. 'I'm Scooter. I was in the kitchen making cookies for tonight's viewing. I chose snickerdoodles for Mrs Kessman and big-chunk chocolate chip for Mr Stanko. I wanted something masculine for Mr Stanko. He was a truck driver. That's such a guy job, don't you think?'

  Bernie shook Scooter's hand, and there was bolt-and-run all over Bernie's face, so I clapped a bracelet on him and attached the other half to my wrist.

  'Just a formality,' I said to Bernie. 'Don't give it another thought.'

  'Oh dear,' Scooter said. 'Is he a criminal?'

  'No,' I told Scooter. 'He's having a bad hair month, and I thought he looked like he was getting cold feet. We were wondering if you could shave his head.'

  'Of course I can shave his head,' Scooter said. 'He'll look wonderful. And I have some moisturizer which will be much better than that dreadful grease he's using now. Follow me back to my workroom.'

  We crossed the lobby and trailed after Scooter into the new addition to the rambling funeral home. 'We'll use treatment room number two,' Scooter said. 'Number one is occupied.'

  Bernie and I peeked into the room. Tilt-top stainless steel grooved table. Slight odor of formaldehyde. Carts filled with instruments best not seen in the light of day.

  'This is an embalming room!' Bernie said.

  'Isn't it wonderful?' Scooter said. 'State-of-the-art. And it has excellent light. Sit on the little stool by the table, and I'll get my razor. I've gotten used to working on people who are horizontal, so this will be a fun experience.'

  'Oh fuck,' Bernie whispered. 'Get me out of here!'

  'Chill,' I told him. 'He's going to shave your head, not drain your body fluids. It's not a big deal. And when he's done I bet he'll give you a cookie.'

  'I guess congratulations are in order,' I said to Scooter when he got into position behind Bernie. 'Sounds like you've got a full house. Mrs Kessman and Mr Stanko. And a third body in prep.'

  'The third body is just a holdover. It's poor Carmen Manoso. They autopsied her and released her, but we can't ship the body until Thursday. I had some free time, so I was trying to get her prettied up a little. Not much you can do to someone who's had their brain surgically removed, not to mention has a big bullet hole in the head, but I did what I could to soften it for her parents in case they open the casket.'

  Carmen Manoso! And she was hanging out with nothing to do until Thursday.

  'She needs a viewing,' I said to Scooter.

  'Excuse me?'

  'She's famous. The Burg loves a murder. You won't be able to shoehorn all the mourners in. You'll have to give out tickets like at the bakery.'

  'I don't know. I'd have to check with her parents.'

  'She doesn't belong to her parents. She belongs to her husband.'

  'The murderer?'

  'He's still her husband. And I bet he'd want her to have a viewing.'

  'Interesting,' Scooter said. 'I'd have to bake a lot of cookies.'

  I called Ranger on the special cell phone. 'You're not going to believe this… I'm at the funeral home on Hamilton, and they've got Carmen here.'

  'Should I ask what you're doing at the funeral home?'

  'No. It's not important. The important thing is, Carmen is here and isn't getting shipped off to Virginia until Thursday And I thought since you're her husband you might want to hold a viewing so her friends and relatives who might be in the area could see her one last time.'

  'Gruesome but clever,' Ranger said. 'Let me talk to whoever is in charge.'

  I passed the phone over to Scooter.

  'Is this Mr Manoso?' Scooter asked. 'The husband of the deceased?'

  Stephanie Plum 12 - Twelve Sharp

  Thirteen

  'Run this by me again,' Lula said. 'You took Bernie Brown to the funeral home to get his head shaved?'

  'Yes. And it worked out great. And I checked him in at the courthouse after he got shaved, and he's already bonded out again.'

  'And while you were at the funeral home, you ran into Carmen Manoso?'

  'Yep. She was passed on to the funeral home for transport back to Virginia. Only they can't do it until Thursday.'

  'And while you were there, Ranger called in and arranged for her to have a viewing?'

  'He is her husband of record. And as such, he has a right to a viewing.'

  'I don't suppose you got to talk to him?'

  'Mostly he talked to Scooter. Financial arrangements and everything.'

  Connie had been the one to rebond Bernie. She'd gotten back to the office minutes before me and was in the process of repairing a chipped nail. 'I don't usually go to viewings, but I'm going to that one,' she said, adding a fresh coat of fire engine red to her index finger.

  Meri Maisonet was on the couch with a stack of files, making notes, not saying anything, but not missing much either. I wasn't sure how I felt about her. She seemed likeable enough, but something was off. Usually people are a little nervous on a new job. They try too hard. Or they try to become background. Meri Maisonet didn't show any of that. She was dressed in running shoes, jeans, and another of the three-button knit shirts. No big hair lacquered with hair spray. Only lip gloss. Not exactly a Jersey girl, but then she hadn't been in Jersey for very long.

  'Ho
w's it going?' I said to her.

  'I have the information you asked me to get on Charles Chin and Dooby Biagi. I haven't had a chance to make the phone calls. I was going to do that now. I haven't done anything on Lonnie Johnson yet. Sorry.'

  'It's okay. Lonnie Johnson is probably in Peru. I've run into a brick wall on him. I thought it wouldn't hurt to have someone new take a look. Don't spend a lot of time and energy on him, but maybe you can make a feeler phone call once in a while to one of the contacts.'

  'I read about Ranger and Carmen in the paper,' she said. 'And the little girl… Julie Martine. How terrible. What a tragedy.'

  'Yeah,' Lula said. 'It's pretty freaky. Is there any information on the viewing yet?' she asked me. 'I don't want to miss that one.'

  'Tomorrow at six.'

  'Darn. I got a gig tomorrow at seven. I'm wearing my new feather outfit, and Sally and me got a new song rehearsed. I'll have to get there when the doors open, so I can fit it all in.'

  'Isn't seven early for a band to play?'

  'It's another old people's home. They get medicated at eight, and it's lights out at nine,' Lula said.

  'It's a little creepy that her husband murdered her, and now he's arranging a viewing,' Meri said. 'Is he here in Trenton?'

  'I don't know,' I said to Meri. 'He made the arrangements over the phone.'

  'I never heard for sure that anyone said he murdered her,' Lula said.

  'The paper said he was wanted for suspicion,' Meri said. 'Do you know him? Does he work for this office?'

  'Yeah, we all know him,' Lula said. 'He's a good guy, too. If he does something bad it's because he has a good reason.'

  'Hard to believe there's a good reason for murdering your wife,' Meri said.

  'Maybe she was a spy,' Lula said. 'She could have been a secret agent or a terrorist.'

  'Or an alien from Mars,' Connie said.

  'Hunh,' Lula said. 'You're making fun of me, but I was serious. Who's to know if she was a double agent or something?'

  'She wasn't a double agent,' I said. 'She was a woman on the edge.'

  'She shot at Stephanie,' Lula told Meri. 'Put a ding in her car.'

  'Why did she do that?' Meri asked.

  'Frustrated because she couldn't find her husband,' I said. 'I approached her at the wrong time.'

  'Now what are we going to do?' Lula wanted to know. 'You got someone on target for this afternoon?'

  'I have some errands I have to run, and then tonight I'm going after Caroline Scarzolli.'

  'I'm surprised to hear you say that,' Lula said. 'You must have some room left on your credit card.'

  'I have no room left on my credit card, and I'm fed up with this woman. She's going down.'

  'And how are you planning on doing this?'

  'I'm going to wait outside and ambush her when she closes up shop.'

  'You gotta be careful,' Lula said. 'She's seventy-two. You could break something that can't be fixed. Hard to find spare parts for something that old.'

  A more likely scenario was that she'd beat the crap out of me.

  'Are you riding with me for Scarzolli?'

  'Hell yeah,' Lula said. 'I'm not missing you duke it out with a seventy-two-year-old porn peddler.'

  'The store closes at eight o'clock. I'll meet you at the corner of Elm and Twelfth Street at seven-thirty.'

  I left the bonds office and sat in the Mini for a couple minutes. I looked around and adjusted the rearview mirror. Didn't see anyone, but that didn't mean much. I edged out into traffic and drove toward the center of the city. I turned onto Ryder and then Haywood Street. Two blocks later I was in front of Ranger's office building. I nosed the Mini up to the garage gates, remoted them open, and slid into the garage interior. I sat there for ten minutes with my motor off.

  I didn't have business here. I was simply riding around, trying to attract attention. The plan was to cruise every location Scrog might be watching and try to get him to follow me. I left the RangeMan garage and drove toward the train station. I turned onto Montgomery and got a call from Tank.

  'You've picked up two more bandits,' Tank said. 'One of them is an idiot. And the other is a federal idiot. We're going to get rid of them for you. Don't look back.'

  I didn't know exactly what that meant, but I didn't look back. I drove past the train station. I drove up and down Hamilton. I stopped at Cluck-in-a-Bucket for a soda. I drove past the bonds office. I drove through the Burg, and I stopped at my parents' house.

  'Did you hear?' Grandma Mazur said. 'There's gonna be a viewing for that poor Carmen Manoso. Not often you get to see someone's been autopsied.'

  'I'm sure it'll be closed casket,' I said to Grandma.

  'That would be a shame,' Grandma said. 'Of course, sometimes those lids just spring open.'

  We were in the kitchen, and I saw my mother flick a quick look to the cabinet by the sink where she kept her emergency liquor stash.

  'I might have to get a new dress for tomorrow night,' Grandma said. 'It's gonna be a big hoo-ha there. I hear they're thinking about giving out numbered wristbands if you want to get up by the casket. And there's a rumor that Ranger will show up. I bet the place will be crawling with hot FBI guys.'

  I found myself wishfully staring at the liquor cabinet with my mother. Tomorrow night was going to be hideous. If there was any justice in this world, Edward Scrog would be caught and Julie Martine would be found unharmed before tomorrow night's viewing.

  'I'm going with Lorraine Shlein,' Grandma said to me. 'You're welcome to come with us, if you want.'

  'Gee, thanks, but I'm going to pass,' I told her. 'I might just pop in for a minute or two on my own.'

  My mother latched onto my arm. 'You will get there on time, and you will watch your grandmother every second, do you hear me? You will not allow her to pry that casket lid open. You will not take her to a nudie bar after the viewing, no matter how much she begs. And you will not allow her to spike the punch bowl.'

  'Why me?'

  'You're responsible for this. It's one of your crime schemes. I can feel it in my bones. Myra Sklar said she saw you going into the funeral home today.'

  'Coincidence,' I said.

  I looked up and down the street when I left my parents' house. No suspicious cars in sight. I got into the Mini, drove to the cross street, and my phone rang. 'You just picked up a hitchhiker,' Ranger said. 'He's in a silver Honda Civic half a block behind you. He's wearing a black ball cap, and from this distance he's looking good. We're running the plate on the car. Take him home with you.'

  I drove out of the Burg and turned right onto Hamilton. It was close to five, and Hamilton was clogged with cars and impatient Jersey drivers. I watched my rearview mirror and saw the Civic make the turn. He was four cars back. I went through a green light and the Civic got a red.

  Ranger was still open on the phone. 'Don't worry about it,' he said. 'I've got a visual on him. I don't want him to suspect he's been spotted. Go home and park and go up to your apartment. We'll take it from here.'

  An hour later Ranger let himself into my apartment and threw his keys on the kitchen counter. 'We lost him. He turned around before he got to your apartment and drove to the government complex. Then he went into a parking garage and didn't come out. Dumped the car and left on foot and somehow we missed him.'

  'Do you think he saw you?'

  'Don't know.'

  'You think it was Scrog?'

  'Yes. The car was stolen. From what we could see he fit the description.' Ranger stood with his hands flat on the counter and his head down. 'I can't believe I lost him. I didn't want to get too close to him in the parking garage. I wanted him to lead us to Julie.'

  'You'll have another chance,' I said. 'He's not going away until he completes his family.' I opened the refrigerator door. 'And look at this. Here's a piece of good news. While we were gone the food fairy arrived and filled the refrigerator.'

  Ranger grabbed a beer and a roast beef sandwich.

  'It's too bad t
his guy is crazy,' Ranger said. 'He's not stupid. And he has good instincts. If he was even the slightest bit sane, I'd hire him.'

  Ranger took his beer and sandwich into the living room and turned the television on. He slouched on the couch and surfed until he found local news. His picture came up and then Carmen's. The anchor read a short clip about the viewing and the fact that there was still an alert for the missing child.

  Ranger sunk lower into the couch. 'They said I was armed and dangerous.'