Tigers on the Way

by Sean Kennedy

  Nancy reached behind her for a jar of Chupa Chups. “Take one. It’ll settle your stomach.”

  I selected a cola one, and when her back was turned pocketed a handful. It was the least she owed me.

  But even I got a tear in my eye when the sound of drum rhythm filled the room. Two hearts, creating a staccato not unlike the beginning of many a Stock, Aitken, and Waterman song when they were in their late-eighties prime.

  Dec leaned in to have a closer look, but he couldn’t speak. He reached back to drag me in with him, and his hand came to rest on the small of my back.

  “Do you want to know the sex?” Nancy asked.

  “I don’t know; can we trust you?” I shot back.

  She looked at Nyssa. “Has he been like this the whole time?”

  “All his life,” Nyssa said, smiling affectionately at me. “Well, I can only account for the last nine years, but I have it on good authority from his best friend Roger and his family that, yes, he’s always been like this.”

  Nancy looked pitying at Dec. “Oh dear.”

  “He’s okay,” Dec said, still staring at the screen. “What do you think, Simon? Should we find out?”

  “It’s your call,” I said.

  He finally took his attention off the screen. “No,” he said firmly. “It’s our call.”

  I knew what he wanted. And you know what? I wanted it too.

  “Go on, then,” I told Nancy.

  Dec’s grin told me I had made the right choice.

  Nancy was back to being all business. “Okay, the slightly larger one is a boy. And the one behind him is a girl.”

  “Wow,” Dec said. And there were a million varieties of the word contained within that singular syllable.

  “Cool, one of each,” I said.

  Dec laughed. “Oh, so we’ve got the whole collection now?”

  “Something like that, but hey!” I tapped the screen. “Don’t you start being the greedy alpha male already! You and your sister are equal, and we’re not going in for that patriarchal toxic masculinity bullshit with our family!”

  Nancy switched off the machine and threw her gloves into a nearby bin. “You’re really starting to grow on me.”

  “He tends to do that too,” Nyssa agreed.

  Dec’s hand slipped into mine. “See? Fatherhood suits you.”

  “Save that prediction until the kids are actually born.”

  Dec shrugged. “Nah. I already know.”

  But I was now holding a copy of the ultrasound image in my hand, and although they looked like creepy little aliens thanks to the 3D imaging, it was amazing how much love I felt for them already. Maybe they weren’t my creepy little aliens biologically, but they were my creepy little aliens after all.

  I gave Dec a quick kiss, and we stared down at the photo together.

  Our creepy little aliens.

  THE ENORMITY of it all hit us when we got back in the car, however. Dec and I sprawled in the back seat, my left foot snaking around his right one. We were stunned and bordering on catatonia.

  “Remember when you looked like that after our first ultrasound?” Nyssa asked Paddy, stroking his ear. “It was so cute.”

  “Men are daft,” he agreed.

  “Women just know they have to get on with stuff.” Nyssa shrugged. “They can’t let reality knock them down too much because they have too much shit to do.”

  I could hear her but couldn’t think of any argument to retaliate with. I was stunned, and all I wanted to do was crawl under the doona with Dec and forget the outside world existed.

  Nyssa looked down at her belly. “And you don’t have much choice when the men get off scot-free from carrying the little bairns as well.”

  “Bairns?” I found my voice. “Are we in the Scottish Highlands? Was that our postultrasound surprise? Do I have to remember some lines from Brigadoon?”

  “You wish it was,” Nyssa replied. “In fact, I wish it was.”

  “Shh,” Paddy said. “You’re going to ruin the surprise.”

  Nyssa turned to look at Dec and me with concern, and I did not like her expression one bit. Were we swimming with sharks? There was no way I was going to be reenacting Jaws, especially when I had the responsibility of kids in my future.

  Besides, I couldn’t pull off the seventies fashion.

  Dec’s jaw dropped as Paddy drove off the main road and into a car park that was little more than a mud pit. “You have to be fucking kidding me!”

  I think I was finally starting to corrupt him with my filthy mouth. Or as I like to call it, speaking Australian.

  Paddy innocently met his eyes in the rear-view mirror. “I don’t joke about anything.”

  “He’s joking,” Nyssa said. “I mean, about not joking. And he’s definitely not joking about this.”

  As if the sign hadn’t been frightening enough, from our space we could see the giant metal runway stretching across a gorge leading down to rapids that would drown you if you managed to lose your footing. And in the middle of that runaway were the foolhardiest of the foolhardy, throwing themselves into that abyss with only the flimsiest of rubber bands attached to their ankles.

  “Cool,” I lied.

  “Liar,” Declan said immediately.

  His attitude was surprising. The man was a professional athlete. Okay, a retired one. But he hadn’t given up his passion for sport in his retirement. He and Abe were constantly off playing something or other, whether it was squash, footy in the park, cricket, or indoor rock climbing. He was a Pepsi Max bro without all the bro’s trappings of extreme masculinity and dude culture.

  And here he was, quaking at bungee jumping.

  “I don’t know,” I said defensively, “it could be fun.”

  “That’s the spirit, Simon!” Paddy thumped the steering wheel with approval.

  “Oh, Simon,” Nyssa whispered.

  Paddy turned off the heating and jumped out of the car, clapping in excitement. Nyssa followed him, and it looked like he was in the dog house with her.

  I stared at Dec. “I thought you would be all over this.”

  Dec ignored me. “Are you trying to impress Paddy, or something?”

  “What?”

  “You have never ever said anything about wanting to go bungee jumping.”

  “It’s like, one of the things most associated with New Zealand, besides kiwis, sheep, and Hobbits.”

  “I know you, Simon. Please don’t tell me you’re going to jump off a cliff for the approval of a straight guy.”

  Ouch. Sometimes we could all do stupid things to prove to a straight guy that we were “real” men too. Actually, Dec really never had to do that, what with being a manly football-playing jock. But us out-of-shape nerdy book-loving gays, or those who were never really in the closet because they gave off an “aura” or who claimed their effeminate ways? Sometimes we fell into masculine trappings as well. I meant what I said when I didn’t want our kids to be victims of the system, even though I knew we would never be able to shield them from it entirely.

  And maybe a little part of me wanted approval from Paddy. After all, he was like me, an outsider in this creation of a new family. Not that I felt as isolated as I had been when we first arrived here, but there was still an itch under my skin that wouldn’t go away. And I couldn’t scratch it, because I would make it worse. So maybe I’d jump off a cliff instead.

  Not a cliff. A runway. I’d sashay my way into the gorge below that was threatening to kill me, the voice of the river taunting me with dire warnings about my smashed puppet of a body being broken against the rocks.

  Oh fuck, what was I thinking?

  Seeing the panic on my face, Dec smiled. “There it is.”

  “Why don’t you want to do it?” I asked him.

  “Because it’s crazy.”

  “And yet every week, you would throw yourself up in the air, not caring if you were headed for injury by smashing into a ball or another body, and there probably were a lot of times you were scared,
but you kept on doing it.”

  “That’s totally different to throwing myself off a bridge and hoping that I don’t plummet to my death in a raging river. Why are you tempting death after narrowly escaping it?”

  I rolled my eyes. “I didn’t escape death. The tumour was benign.”

  “We didn’t know that at the start,” Dec reminded me. “We also have kids on the way.”

  “So we can never do anything like this again? We better stop driving, then. We’re more likely to die taking them to kindy than we are today.”

  “Simon!” He was horrified.

  “It’s true, statistically.”

  “Maybe, but can you stop being so cavalier about our deaths?”

  I took his hand. “I’m not being cavalier. But life is full of risks. And today, just because, maybe to remind myself that we’re alive, I want to do something I’ve never done before just to celebrate that.”

  “I’d rather you celebrated with a good cheese platter and an expensive red.”

  “That can be the celebration for this celebration.”

  He grinned. “You just want it all, don’t you?”

  I leaned in and kissed him, slowly, passionately, and hopefully conveying all the life-affirming things I had been saying before. I wanted him to know that he was part of it, in fact, he was pretty much all of it. It would have to be shared once the kids came along, but it would never diminish.

  “I’ve already got it all,” I said.

  “CAN’T YOU go separately?” Nyssa asked, fear in her voice. “I don’t want to lose my husband and my friend all in one go!”

  I attempted to reassure her. “Come on, Nyssa. Surely if we were going to plummet to our deaths, you’d have felt it in your waters.”

  Paddy nodded. “The man has a point, honey.”

  He had just sheepishly admitted to us that he had booked the couples jump for me and Declan, thinking it would be me who would have to be persuaded. I liked smashing through stereotypes.

  Even if my knees were protesting wildly and my brain was telling me to get the fuck out of there.

  “Come on, Dec! It’ll be just like The Amazing Race! Pretend we’re going to meet Phil at the pit stop after this!”

  He shook his head.

  “Don’t look at me,” Nyssa said, rubbing her belly. “These two make me queasy enough without hurtling through space on top of it.”

  It was kind of thrilling to hear her say “these two.” Now I’d seen the pictures, the proof of life, they were tangible little beings who I couldn’t write off as fantasy anymore.

  “Looks like it’s you and me,” Paddy said, giving me a little wink. “You don’t mind being strapped to me, do you, Simon?”

  “Stop flirting,” Nyssa said, laughing. “You’re incorrigible.”

  I turned to Dec. “I’m sure I’ll be fine strapped to Paddy.”

  Paddy hooted, and Nyssa slapped him lightly on the arm.

  Dec gave them a look, which made them very unsubtly turn and pretend they were interested in getting a closer look at the gorge.

  “Who are you and what have you done with Simon Murray?”

  I shrugged. “I’m me.”

  “Simon Murray doesn’t do this kind of thing. Simon Murray’s idea of a holiday activity was touring concentration camps.”

  “Can you stop talking about me in the third person?” I asked. “So I have an interest in history! And we did lots of other things in Europe besides that! I remember lots of pashing on the Eiffel Tower, for example.”

  “Okay, but you didn’t do anything to endanger yourself.”

  “I dunno, that hash in Amsterdam was pretty extreme.”

  “Forget Paddy, you’re incorrigible!”

  I laughed. “Write that in our wedding vows.”

  “If we’re unlucky, it’ll be going on your tombstone next week.”

  “Now you know how I felt every time you went back on the field with an injury.”

  “Once again,” Dec said, smacking his fist against his palm. It wasn’t as effective at getting his point across due to the thickness of his gloves. “I wasn’t throwing myself off cliffs.”

  “It’s a runway!” I pointed out, again.

  “You’re going to do it anyway, aren’t you?”

  By now it had become about anything but bungee jumping. My back was up because Dec sounded like he would have loved to forbid me to do it, but he never would have done that. That’s not who Dec was, and I certainly wasn’t the kind of person who would have people dictate to me what I should and shouldn’t do. We were both painted into a corner, and neither was going to back down.

  So I was still going to do this, but I had to give him some peace about it. “We’ve always been about taking chances, from the very beginning when you first kissed me at that party. When I went back into the closet because I knew you were worth it. You deciding you wouldn’t stay in it when you were outed. Even up to buying that bloody haunted fire station.”

  I took his hand.

  He gave me a small smile. “I didn’t know it was haunted at the time. I still don’t.”

  “It doesn’t matter. This jump is like a symbol of our life.”

  He laughed. “You are so full of bullshit.”

  “Bugger, I thought it had worked.”

  He gave me a quick kiss. “Go on. Have fun.”

  I wished he’d agreed to do it with me. But I’d said I was going to do it, and my stupid pride wasn’t going to let me change my mind.

  Even if my knees were shaking as I approached Paddy at the entrance to the walkway.

  “Still us, then?” he asked.

  “You’re stuck with me,” I replied.

  “Ah, well. That’s not too bad. It’ll be a bonding experience, hey?”

  I looked back to see Nyssa join Dec, and they conversed together, but I couldn’t hear them—so I knew I wouldn’t be heard either.

  “Do you, y’know, find this whole thing weird? Well, not weird, exactly, but strange? And okay, I can see you thinking ‘Simon, weird is practically the same thing as strange,’ and you’re right, but I can’t exactly think of the right word for it. Weird sounds like it’s wrong, and it’s not wrong, because it’s a beautiful thing, and we’ll always be in yours and Nyssa’s debt for being generous enough to do this for us—”

  “Simon, take a breath.”

  I did so, which was a good thing, as I was very close to fainting.

  “Look, I’m not going to lie. When Nyssa told me she wanted to do this, I wasn’t on board.”

  I nodded. I understood.

  “But you know Nyssa. She just laid out very calmly why she wanted to do it, but also told me if I didn’t want to do it, she wouldn’t even suggest it to you guys. So, the reason why I seem so okay with it now is because I’ve been dealing with the idea even longer than you have. Now I’ve gotten to know you guys even better, I’m so happy that Nyssa is doing it for you.”

  “You’re doing it for us too.”

  “Not really. I mean, I am.” Paddy laughed to himself. “I’m starting to sound as confused as you were a minute ago. But I get what you’re saying about feeling like you’re a bit weirded out. We’re on the outside of this to some extent.”

  “I think I’ve finally made peace with it,” I told him.

  “Believe me, when those kids are in your arms, you’re going to feel it all a hundred percent.”

  And I believed him. I also believed myself. Dammit, I was going to jump off this fucking cliff.

  Runway.

  “Let’s wrap this up,” I said and strode out towards the gorge, dirt giving way to metal beneath my feet, metal in a honeycomb formation with holes letting me see how far the river lay below. That was a long way to fall. Maybe this was a fucking bad idea.

  But I continued on, sashaying the runway until I met the guys running the jump.

  “Hey, I’m Alan,” one said. “Is your partner coming?”

  I looked back to see what was keeping Paddy. Had he chi
ckened out at the last minute? Was I going to be the king of masculinity today? Could I pull out at this point and still claim victory, as I had technically made it the farthest?

  Declan Tyler strode along the metal runway, looking as comfortable as a model at New York Fashion Week despite Anna Wintour’s steely gaze threatening to derail him.

  “Sorry I’m late,” he told us. He looked over the side and paled at the waters foretelling his death.

  I moved in closer to him. “What are you doing?”

  He grinned at me, some colour returning to his cheeks. “It’s no use doing a grand symbolic gesture about our life together without your partner in crime, is it?”

  I jumped forward and wrapped my arms around him. “I love you.”

  To the cheers and whistles of Paddy and Nyssa, he squeezed me even harder, a death grip confirming his fear. “I love you, too, and I will forgive you one day for making us do this.”

  “Nah, you signed up for this long ago.”

  He leaned his forehead against mine. “I sure did.”

  We fronted up to Alan and started getting into the provided canvas jumpsuits that ensured we looked completely ridiculous. Declan was cursed with the helmet that had the camera attached so he now looked like a praying mantis with bad dress sense.

  “Are you sure you’re not just doing this to stop me from being strapped to the hot straight guy?” I teased him.

  Dec shook his head, and the camera wobbled like an antenna. “Nope. It struck me back there that if you’re celebrating life, it would be stupid for me not to do it with you. Because we’ve always stuck together before, so we might as well do it in a death-defying act of stupidity.”

  “I wouldn’t do it with anybody else,” I said, as Alan started attaching the cables to us.

  “But you were just about to do it with Paddy!” he yelled over the wind.

  We were strapped together face to face, and if we had been strangers, it would have been really awkward as chest was against chest and groin against groin. I was too terrified to feel any pleasure from it, and I assumed it was the same for Dec.