The Curse of the Deadly 7

by Garth Jennings

  Nelson chuckled, took a deep breath, and with trumpet-like lips blew every grain of dust from the sin extractor.

  ‘HOOOOONK!’

  Satisfied that it was clear and ready to use, Nelson bent down to look under the table. There were no copper test tubes, so the extractions were just going to pour on to the floor.

  He took one last look around the room at the sleeping party guests and, feeling convinced that none of them would wake up in the next minute or so, he lowered himself backwards on to the needles.

  The pain was like an electric shock. It made his eyes pop, his limbs stiffen like wood, and his mouth open in a silent scream.

  And then the pain was gone, and Nelson was no longer lying on the sin extractor but riding on a cow through the Brazilian countryside, his monsters riding beside him on their own cows, racing towards a spectacular sunset as Abba’s song ‘SOS’ played on a speaker in his backpack. The feeling was utterly thrilling, not just because he was leading a cow stampede, but because he was sharing the experience with his seven incredible friends.

  ‘HA HA!’ roared Nosh. ‘We riding da cows, Nelly-son!’

  While Nelson was submerged in this happy memory, the sin extractor worked its magic. The table shook as the seven monsters were drawn out of Nelson’s soul and spilt like steaming hot oil on to the floor beneath. And as they hissed and squirmed and bubbled back to life, Nelson’s body returned to its original shape, though completely naked.

  WELCOME BACK

  The chaos Jim Tindle and his ugly army had inflicted upon Pogo and Doody’s wedding was nothing compared to the uproar that followed. Police, ambulances, nosey onlookers, TV news, and hysterical guests all shouting at once, now everyone was awake again.

  They had found Nelson asleep outside in the garden. It was a pretty convincing act except for one thing: why was Nelson shoeless and wearing one of two matching bathrobes, both monogrammed, that Nelson’s mother had had made as a wedding gift for Pogo and Doody? Nelson said he had spilt punch all over his clothes and had taken the gown as an emergency measure. his mum was very annoyed with Nelson for having ruined the surprise. Of course, Pogo and Doody were utterly delighted, and anyway, Nelson could hardly consider telling them the truth – that his real clothes were lying in shreds in a bin next to the bus stop.

  ‘That man Jim has gone for good, hasn’t he?’ whispered Celeste when she was certain no one could hear them.

  ‘Yes, it’s all over. But never tell anyone who he was.’

  ‘What happened?’

  ‘Uh . . . Long story. But got some good news. My monsters are back.’

  ‘They’re here?’

  ‘Not here. They’d be a nightmare to have around right now. I told them to meet us at Ivan’s workshop in a few hours. They said to say hi.’

  On the roof of the number 275 bus, seven monsters celebrated their return to life by howling and growling and crowing and laughing. Nosh, Stan, Miser, Hoot, Crush, Puff and Spike were back to their old selves. Even Stan was back to his original size. Fruit bats from London Zoo circled in the sky above and followed the bus all the way to the end of Ivan’s road, where the monsters leaped off, on to the roof of the bus shelter.

  ‘Ah, it’s good to be back, lads,’ said Stan, with all the satisfaction of a king having enjoyed a feast.

  ‘It’s just lucky we didn’t kill Nelson,’ moaned Spike as he slid down the side of the bus shelter and on to the pavement with the others.

  ‘Lucky?’ said Stan sounding offended. ‘It wasn’t luck that he survived. Nelson knew what he was doin’.’

  ‘We didn’t, though . . . did we?’ said Puff sheepishly.

  ‘I believe Nelson has forgiven us for turning him into an abomination,’ hissed Miser. ‘Now I think the matter is over and we can refrain from mentioning our mistake again.’

  ‘Hear, hear!’ cheered Hoot, and Crush skipped ahead of them all, honking all the way to Ivan’s house.

  ‘HONK! HONK! HOOOOONK!’

  SCOTLAND

  The rain was falling so hard on the roof of the little farmhouse that the farmer didn’t hear the doorbell ring. He didn’t even hear the knocking on his door, and it wasn’t until he went to draw the curtains for the night that he realized there was someone outside. At first he jumped with fright, but the face looking back at him in the rain smiled, and all at once the farmer’s fright was gone, to be replaced by the warm feeling of seeing a face he loved.

  ‘Jim,’ said the farmer as he threw open the front door. ‘Come in, son, come in.’

  ‘Hello, Dad,’ said Jim with a big smile on his face and tears in his eyes.

  WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO ABOUT YOUR MONSTERS?

  With their home destroyed and in need of huge amounts of repair work, the Green family’s options were simple. They could either use the insurance money to rent a nice house while theirs was being repaired, or rent a smaller, not-so-nice apartment and use the money left over to go on holiday. And of course, that is what they all chose to do.

  It was actually Uncle Pogo’s idea, and everyone agreed it was a brilliant solution to a dreadful situation. While the builders took care of fixing up the wreck that was their house, and Minty stayed next door with George (but refused to engage with him unless she was being fed), the Greens were going to spend three weeks in Greece. It would take longer than that to repair the damage at home, but at least they could put it all behind them for a while and enjoy a little sunshine.

  The biggest problem for Nelson wasn’t that half his house was missing; it was that he still had to work out how to undo the curse that meant he wasn’t growing. The day before they were due to go on holiday, Nelson called a meeting at Ivan’s workshop, where, together with Celeste, Nelson and his monsters plotted their next move. To be honest, it was hours of them all talking absolute nonsense, so I will just skip to the part where they began to make progress.

  ‘They can’t be reabsorbed . . .’ said Celeste, who paced the floor like a detective piecing together a crime.

  ‘We all know that!’ roared Stan.

  ‘Let her finish!’ hissed Nelson. ‘God, you lot are doing my head in. Carry on, Cel.’

  ‘And you don’t want them to die?’ she continued.

  ‘Obviously, it would be great to avoid that.’ Crush hugged Nelson’s leg and honked his appreciation.

  Is there anywhere they could go that would be far enough away to break the link between you all? signed Ivan.

  ‘It doesn’t matter where they go – we’ll always be connected.’

  ‘Unless . . .’ hissed Miser.

  ‘Unless what, Miser?’

  ‘Unless we go somewhere that is not connected in time.’

  ‘The Bang Stone. We could be disconnected by time,’ said Nelson, and Miser nodded.

  The monsters fell silent. They all knew this was the answer. They could break their connection with Nelson and stay alive by living in a different time. The only question was, where and when in time should they go?

  Ivan handed Nelson and Celeste a mug of tea each and sat on the edge of the workbench. Nelson took a chocolate biscuit from a plate, and his monsters all did the same. Ivan couldn’t help but laugh at the sight of all those biscuits disappearing into thin air.

  BOMBS AWAY!

  To use Nelson’s father’s expression, ‘The flight to Athens is leaving at an ungodly hour.’ By ‘ungodly’, he meant 5 a.m., which meant they all had to be at the airport at 3 a.m., which meant leaving home at 2 a.m., which meant setting an alarm to wake them up at 1 a.m. Ungodly indeed. But once they were on their way, it was a wonderful journey.

  Nelson insisted on a window seat so he could watch his monsters climb aboard the luggage hold beneath the plane.

  ‘Who are you waving to?’ asked Nelson’s mum, who was peering at him over her inflight magazine.

  ‘Oh, just a bloke working down there on the runway,’ lied Nelson, and he turned back to see Stan hurl Crush up on to the conveyor belt carrying luggage into the hold.


  Ivan was sitting directly in front of Nelson and turned to look at him through the gap between the seat and the wall of the plane.

  Are they on board? signed Ivan.

  Yes, signed Nelson, and Ivan grinned and winked before turning back.

  Everyone in Nelson’s family was asleep before the plane took off, which was no surprise, given how early they had risen. Only Nelson remained wide awake as the plane turned at the end of the runway ready for take-off.

  TAP! TAP! TAP!

  Nelson’s mother stirred from her sleep but thankfully was not woken by the sound of Hoot tapping on Nelson’s window. Nelson sighed at the sight of his beloved yellow friend. It was clear he had been tricked by the other monsters yet again.

  ‘I say! Dear boy! I seem to have been locked out of the plane!’

  Nelson threw up his hands in an expression that said, ‘What do you want me to do about it?’

  ‘MAYBE YOU COULD OPEN THE DOOR AND LET ME IN?’

  Nelson shook his head at this absurd idea. The plane began to accelerate down the runway.

  ‘AH! I SEE! IN THAT CASE I SHALL HAVE TO FLY ALONGSIDE!’

  Nelson nodded.

  ‘VERY WELL! BYE-BYE FOR NOW!’ cried Hoot, and he let go of the plane as it took off. The engines roared, but Nelson could have sworn he heard raucous monster laughter coming from below.

  The minibus that took them all from Athens airport was perfect. Not only could they all fit comfortably inside with their luggage, but the roof was big enough to hold the monsters, who sang all the way to the seaport. Here they boarded a huge ferry that would take them to the island of Syros. After leaving their luggage by the great ferry doors, the family headed upstairs, where they found a cafe selling coffee and cheese-filled pastries.

  To Nelson’s delight, the outside deck was vast, and there was plenty of room to sit with his monsters without drawing attention to himself or them.

  HONK! went the ferry as it left the port.

  ‘HONK!’ said Crush in reply, and the monsters laughed their heads off.

  The blue skies, the sea breeze and the dazzling sunshine did wonders for everyone’s spirits, and by the time the clusters of white houses on the island of Syros were in view, they already felt like they’d been on holiday for a week.

  Pogo and Doody had stayed on the island of Syros together during the recording of their TV series. It was here they had discovered the shipwreck containing the monstrous results of Master Buzzard’s experiment with the sin extractor. They had also made friends with some of the locals, who were delighted to welcome them back and had helped them find a cheap house to rent in a little fishing harbour. The house was like every other house on the island: white and smooth and square. In any other part of the world these houses might look peculiar, like quirky, stone butter dishes, but here on the island of Syros they looked like the only kind of house you would ever need.

  It was without doubt the best holiday Nelson had ever had. Even though his monsters could not live with them in the house (without causing chaos), they loved staying in the fishing boats that were anchored at night, and during the day they could choose from any number of little beaches to play on. Some of the beaches were so small you could only fit a dozen people on them, and many of these you couldn’t get to unless you climbed around the rocks.

  And one of the beaches, a tiny cove just a few minutes’ walk from their house, was exactly like the dream Nelson and his monsters had shared during their super-sleep. The water was just right. Not only was it clear and shallow so that you could wade out and splash about playing Frisbee, but it was just the right temperature – cool enough to give you relief from the sun, but warm enough that you could play in it all day.

  ‘BOMBS AWAY!’ cried Stan and Nelson as they both jumped off a high rock into the sea. They crashed into the water, a billion bubbles whirling around them, and through his goggles Nelson could see Miser walking around on the ocean floor as if he were walking down an ordinary street. His long rubber arms sifted through the stones and shells to find the loveliest and most precious ones, but instead of keeping them to himself, he had brought them back to the beach and presented them to Celeste.

  Hoot stood on a rock with a seagull called Carlos.

  ‘So you know Edna, do you?’ said Hoot.

  ‘Oh yes, everyone knows Edna,’ said Carlos.

  ‘Lovely gal – or gull I should say, ha ha! But do you ever find her a bit, you know, prone to exaggerate?’

  ‘Edna does enjoy being the centre of attention.’

  ‘Yes she does! Carlos, you’ve got her spot on.’

  As Hoot and Carlos chatted, Nosh’s head erupted in a short blast of flames. Flotsam and jetsam turned out to be Nosh’s favourite snack of all time. Yes, even better than mangoes. He would sit in the shallow water and collect bits of seaweed and old soft wood until he had a great pile to eat. It was the saltiness he loved the most, so it didn’t really matter if he was eating a branch from a tree or a lost flip-flop. Between snacks, Nosh licked the stones and shells, and enjoyed the feeling of being weightless as he bobbed about in the water like a pink balloon.

  Celeste and Ivan were snorkelling around the reef where Crush was splashing about in the rock pools and making friends with the little crabs.

  The only downside of being by the sea was all the attention Nelson was getting from the fish, and having jumped off the rock into the sea, the fish in the area quickly assembled around him and carried him swiftly back to shore.

  ‘Wait! I want to stay in the sea! I don’t want to get out!’ spluttered Nelson as he lifted his head from the sand, but it was impossible to tell them not to do this and it made Stan laugh his head off.

  Puff, as you can imagine, did nothing but sleep. Nelson had made him a hammock by stringing a large beach towel between two thin trees, and the sea breeze rocked Puff back and forth all day long.

  The only one who never seemed to be enjoying it as much as the others was Spike. He was either too hot in the sun or too cold in the sea, and when they tried to get him to join in with a game, he was too tired, and when they let him sit it out, he complained of being bored.

  ‘He’s never satisfied, so whatcha gonna do?’ said Stan. Nelson didn’t like seeing one of his monsters in a bad mood, but Stan was right: some people are only happy being unhappy.

  It was at yet another ungodly hour that Nelson was woken in his bunk-bed by Crush nuzzling him. It took him a few seconds to remember where he was and to notice that the monsters had gathered beside his bed.

  ‘What are you doing here? You’re supposed to hide out on one of the boats,’ whispered Nelson. Ivan was asleep in the bunk below and Nelson could hear him snoring gently.

  ‘It’s time to go,’ said Spike.

  ‘Go where? Where are we going?’

  ‘Not you. Us. It’s time for us to go,’ said Spike, who smiled for the first time in his life.

  Crush could see Nelson was hurt by the realization of what Spike meant, and nuzzled deeper into Nelson’s chest.

  ‘Why do you want to go now? It’s the middle of the night. The holiday’s not over for another two weeks.’

  None of the monsters replied. They simply stood still, looking up at Nelson in the moonlight.

  Nelson pulled on his shorts, T-shirt and sandals, and retrieved the plastic pot containing the Bang Stone from under his bed. He opened the lid, and although the stone was still contained within a small ceramic pot, the scent of sulphur filled the room. Ivan stirred and turned over in his sleep.

  ‘Shh. Let’s go,’ said Stan.

  The dusty road leading from the house down to the harbour was bright white in the moonlight. The gentle crunch of Nelson and his seven monsters walking on the gravel, and the distant sound of waves lapping the shore, could not have been more peaceful.

  ‘But why leave now?’ said Nelson again, once they were far enough away from the house not to be heard.

  ‘We’re just . . . delaying . . . the inevitable, Nelson,’ said Puff.<
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  ‘Yeah,’ agreed Stan, and he pointed up at the moon. ‘Besides, it’s a perfect night for it.’

  ‘Yup, me don’t wanna leave Nelly-son, but it’s time to go,’ said Nosh, sounding far more grown up than usual.

  ‘But how will I know if it’s worked?’

  ‘If we succeed in breaking the connection, you will most certainly feel it, as will we,’ said Miser.

  ‘Oh, so you mean it’s going to hurt,’ said Nelson, and Miser nodded.

  ‘Well, here we are, my dears,’ said Hoot, coming to a stop at the end of a long wooden jetty with lots of little fishing boats tied to it. No one explained why this was to be the place they said goodbye; they simply felt like it was the right place, and that was enough.

  Nelson looked down at his little monsters, and in that moment he thought his heart would break in two.

  ‘Oh, we feel the same,’ said Spike clutching his chest. ‘But the worst part will be over soon.’

  ‘I don’t want it to be over,’ said Nelson, his voice trembling as he tried to stop the tears rushing out of his eyes. Crush ran forward and leaped up into Nelson’s arms.

  ‘It’s been a pleasure, Nelson,’ said Stan, trying to look tough but failing to hide his tears.

  ‘Yeah, it has, hasn’t it?’ Nelson was crying openly now. There was no point trying to stop it.

  ‘Me loves ya, Nelly-son,’ Nosh said as he hugged Nelson’s legs.

  ‘Careful, Nosh! You’re gonna knock me into the sea.’ The monsters were relieved to find something to laugh at.

  ‘Bye, Nelson,’ said Puff with a big smile and wide-open eyes that reflected the full moon above them.

  ‘Puff, I am going to miss you so much. And Hoot . . .’ Nelson trailed off as he hugged his big yellow bird-like monster.

  ‘Goodbye, dear friend,’ Hoot whispered into Nelson’s ear. ‘May you live a long and happy life.’

  Hearing this, Nelson could not help but begin to sob again. Crush squeezed tighter into Nelson’s neck.