Relationship- Bridge to the Soul

by Chris G Moon

  The Negative counters by insisting that there are very big and possibly unsolvable problems affecting the very future of the relationship.

  The Positive tries to find solutions.

  The Negative explains why each solution that is offered won’t work.

  The Positive tries to cheer his/her partner up.

  The Negative refuses to be cheered up, and often resents the Positive’s condescending attitude—which has been bugging the Negative for some time now, come to think of it!

  The Positive goes for a walk, intending to come back when the negative is feeling better.

  The Negative sits and fumes until the partner returns from his/her walk, and then resumes shoving the problem into the partner’s face. All the while, the intensity of the discomfort is growing, until

  The Positive succumbs to his/her anger, and war is declared.

  Positives will rarely admit to the existence of the problem. They choose to remain oblivious to negative feelings. To John’s mind, they don’t have money, electrical bills, or relationship problems; they have Mary problems. John will hold righteously to his position—which is, of course, the right point of view. He will look at Mary as the problem maker, not the problem recognizer, and react to her emotionalism with cool reasoning, pouring Positive oil over the troubled waters. From her position Mary will see John as insensitive, uncaring, and blind to what is important.

  Therein lies a crucial message: How you are treated in any given relationship is determined by the position you take. In a Power Struggle your position automatically causes you to see your partner taking the opposing one and reacting to your behaviour from that place. Therefore, if you do not like the way the relationship is going, you need only leave your position and move toward harmony. Typically your partner will change as well. If your partner is not changing in your eyes, it is often because you are clinging to your position. There are occasions when the partner’s behaviour does not seem to change, but it no longer bothers you; there are also instances of the partner taking a few hours, days, sometimes weeks, to shift from their position. Whatever the outcome of you letting go of your position, it is always to your benefit to do so, for there is only the false security of righteousness and pride to be experienced in holding on to your point of view. Letting go allows for the freedom to grow in wisdom and maturity.

  ***

  CAN WE TALK?

  ———————————

  “I don’t wanna talk about it—how you broke my heart….”

  —Danny Whitten, “I Don’t Want to Talk About It”

  Imagine that the solution to Mary and John’s problem exists at a point presently beyond their imagination, where their money difficulties will be alleviated and the pain at the heart of their real issue will be healed.

  All Power Struggles begin cleverly disguised as a situation that is presented to the relationship. The following chart may help you to see the leviathan that lurks in the depths beneath the seemingly placid pond of the situation that arises:

  SITUATION (NEUTRAL)

  (electrical bill arrived)

  PROBLEM (BUTTON IS PUSHED)

  (Mary: we can’t afford it, we don’t have enough money)

  (John: Mary is unhappy and I don’t know how to fix that)

  REAL ISSUE (OLD EMOTION ARISES)

  (Mary, sadly: It’s my fault—I’m so worthless.)

  (John, sadly: It’s my fault—I’m so worthless.)

  TRAUMA (SOURCE OF THE PAIN)

  (Mary/John: I’ve felt valueless ever since I can remember)

  CHOICE

  (Mary/John: I stopped loving myself)

  Mary and John can make another choice to love themselves by being accountable for the pain they carry, letting the other off the hook, and expressing their individual hurts in a way that allows the pain to surface into awareness. Once the pain surfaces, they can burn through it by experiencing it peacefully, without reaction, and by giving love to each other. The easiest way to do this is to communicate.

  But if both John and Mary are convinced that the other is looking at the situation wrong, they will focus on proving this, which will only heighten the conflict, possibly leading to all-out war. It will definitely keep each of them from moving closer to their own souls. Eventually, John and Mary will succumb to anger, and a fight will ensue with both sides accusing the other of being the cause of the problem. Possibly they will let off a bunch of pent-up steam, or continue the fight for a few days. This might even be the beginning of the end of the relationship. Or maybe the problem will blow over and by the time John comes back from his walk they will be back to “normal” with each other. One thing is certain: the pain that was the real cause of the problem will not be healed. It will remain inside them and wait for another opportunity to make its presence known.

  A truly effective solution would be for the couple to allow the underlying pain to emerge, and deal with it in a healthy way. Since many of us never learned how to do this, it might seem easier to avoid the whole issue altogether. However it is possible for us to leave our positions in order to find a place of agreement and harmony within all of our relationships. Of course without an intention to find a true solution to any disagreement, the paths through such conflicts will go unused. Again, as with demands and expectations, intention is the key to success. Once your intention is clear in your mind, the way through can be found with effective communication. Imagine if we rewound the interaction between John and Mary and employed another approach.

  Mary: Did you see our electricity bill today? It was a hundred dollars more than the last one!

  John: Well it is wintertime, honey. We’re using more lights now.

  Mary: But a hundred dollars? We’ll never be able to afford a vacation at this rate.

  John: Sure we will. I’ll just put in some more overtime; we’ll be okay. What’s the matter, Mary? Are you okay? (John starts to LISTEN)

  Mary: No, I’m feeling very angry. This electricity bill really bothers me. It just makes me feel like we’re never going to get ahead. (Mary starts paying attention to her uncomfortable emotions that were laying just below her anger.)

  John: I know, sweetheart. It bothers me, too. But I don’t want it to ruin our weekend together. I want us to have some fun! Hell, we deserve it. (John has now set an intention for both of them to come out of this happy—he’s choosing to connect with Mary, heart-to-heart.) Look, maybe I can ask for a raise on Monday.

  Mary: No, it’s not the bill that’s bugging me, or all the overtime you’re doing. This is a problem I’ve had plenty of times in my life. I’ve felt like such a loser my whole life. (Mary chooses not to blame her partner for the problem, thus allowing her to see her inner process)

  John: It sounds like you don’t feel like you’re worth much. I just want you to know that you’re worth a lot to me. You’re the most precious thing in my life. (John listens more closely, and seeks to identify the important feelings. He endeavours to join Mary in her pain and comforts her with sincere appreciation)

  Mary: Thanks, but I just wish I could feel that for myself. Ever since I was a kid I felt worthless. (She’s not saying “I felt LIKE,” but instead is saying more directly, “I felt worthless”) No matter how much I tried, I always thought I was just a burden—especially with my father. I would try to be a perfect daughter around him, but every time he had to buy me new clothes or something he’d always bitch about how much I was costing him. I felt so… so… (Mary keeps sharing her deeper feelings and getting a stronger sense of their origin.)

  John: Unwanted?

  Mary: Yeah, exactly!

  John: I know what you mean. With me it was my mother. She was always complaining about how poor we were. She hardly ever smiled at me or appreciated me. It was like I had no value around
her. I’ve felt like that a lot in my life—completely valueless. (John is recognizing Mary’s feelings as his own now, and feeling it as deeply as he can)

  Mary: Me too. Valueless. But you’re so talented, John!

  John: Yeah? Then how come I have to put in a bunch of hours overtime for a measly electric bill? I scrimp and save so we can have a lousy two week vacation, and then come back and work my ass off for another year. It feels so…so… meaningless.

  Mary: That’s my middle name—meaningless. I really think I was born with absolutely no usefulness, purpose or meaning. So often I’ve wanted to split up with you because I thought you deserved someone better. (Both keep going deeper, moving towards a peaceful completion)

  John: You never told me that! Honey, you’re perfect for me. Since I met you I’ve started to see that maybe I am worth something. (Anyone for some great lovemaking?)

  It’s easy to see that this conversation is turning out a whole lot better than the previous one.30 All it took was for one person to let go of a position. In this case, John decided to stop being Superman and started to care about his partner’s feelings. Because he was sincere and not manipulative, Mary stopped indulging in her negativity and began expressing the essential feelings that were really bothering her. Unless Negatives do this, they tend to feel everything except the really important feelings. It could also have happened the other way; if Mary had immediately taken responsibility for her feelings, releasing any burden from John to do something, she could then delve deeper into the source of the pain, and express her more essential feelings. John would then be able to feel that they were on the same side and “join with her” in exploring the hurt. This would eventually lead to greater intimacy with each other, and instead of running out for milk, John might well have come up with a number of good reasons to stay in that night!31

  Now some astute reader might have noticed John and Mary shifting the blame off each other, and placing it on their parents. Although most of our early traumas were experienced with our parents, but Mary acknowledged her feelings of uselessness, purposelessness, and meaninglessness as coming into the world with her when she was born. They are, after all, feelings that are common to all of humanity, regardless of how we were parented. But even if one or both of them did not release the blame completely, the point is that this communication between them was a first step towards personal accountability. Naturally they could take it further and relieve their parents altogether of the responsibility for their pain, and this will be covered further in the chapter on Introspection. For now my intention is to offer a basic approach to communication that can help end the torture of Power Struggles in relationships.

  In my marriage, I have tried both approaches—position taking (i.e. trying to be right), and communicating. I am a very proud man, so I have a deeply ingrained tendency to try and prove I am always right, but it has never given me a moment of peace—even when I actually was right! Only when I let go of my position and reach out to another person with a sincere intention to partake in real heart-to-heart communication do I ever come to happiness.

  I have discovered eight important questions that can guide an individual through the process of truly effective, conscious communication. It is in the form of questions because questions allow one to search one’s soul, whereas pointers and direction can often lead one to developing formulae. My experience has taught me that there is no formula for True Partnership. Everything hinges on the responses we make moment by moment.

  Eight Guiding Questions for Conscious Communication

  1. What do I want?

  2. What misunderstanding must be cleared up first?

  3. What emotions can I express with absolute Truth?

  4. How can I respond to this emotion?

  5. What feeling is beneath this emotion?

  6. Is my feeling, or that of my partner, familiar to me?

  7. What is the history of this feeling?

  8. Can I respond to this feeling in a loving way?

  When I respond to these questions with the honesty in my heart, problems within my relationship are resolved. I have also discovered that problems that appear to have nothing to do with my relationship can be resolved through conscious communication with my partner.

  The eight guiding questions for effective communication offer important principles I have discovered through my own experiences,32 as well as from the influences of such great pioneers as Carl Jung, Chuck Spezzano, and Gay and Kathlyn Hendricks. Let’s examine the points of this model one at a time.

  1. What do I want? This is probably the most important question I can ask myself when faced with any communication issue. For me, the greatest challenge is to stay focused on the purpose of the communication.33 The quickest route to a harmonious agreement is found when even just one person keeps his/her mind and heart focused on the goal of ending the separation caused by the Power Struggle. Therefore, if I set an intention in my mind that includes a harmonious outcome whereby both parties win, and I make a heartfelt commitment to that goal, that is invariably what happens. Even though it is often impossible to see at first, in every conflict there is a way through to satisfaction and harmony for both parties. In fact, there is no way through at all unless both parties get through together. Thus, I ask myself: What do I want? Do I want to be right or be happy? Do I want conflict or harmony? Defensiveness or trust? Isolation or intimacy? Do I want to win or do I want us both to win? Would I prefer compromise or complete resolution? My answer to this question ultimately ends up as “I want true peace.”

  It is a basic principle of personal accountability that whatever you have in your life is exactly what you want. If you are preoccupied with the goal of winning, what you want is to engage in a win/lose conflict; but playing win/lose only leads to guilt for the winner, and likely bitterness, resentment and a desire for revenge on the part of the loser. Think about it: how good could you feel if you made your partner the loser in an argument? Do you think it would end there? S/he would probably be waiting for a chance to get even.34 Playing win/win ensures a happy and harmonious relationship where you and your partner feel secure in the knowledge that you are looking out for each other’s best interests.

  Contrary to some very strongly held views in society, I feel that there are no bad people in an inter-personal conflict. Be it between a partner, friend or associate, there are only two parties doing the very best they can at any given moment to experience happiness and belonging. In many counselling sessions, I have heard one partner describe the other in a very bad light. The one they fell head over heels in love with is now the most evil wretch to ever walk the planet. In my experience, it is always my pain that is causing me to see my partner in a harmful light. When conflicts arise, it is very helpful to remember that my partner is as innocent as I am. One way I found to do this is to remember that the sun shines equally on both of us; in that way I can also remember that my heart loves us both equally, and sees us as the same. When I am tempted to see someone as wrong or bad, I do my best to remember to ask myself: “How would my heart see this person?”35 In my heart and soul I know there are no bad guys.

  In order to ensure that the mutually beneficial goal that I set is reached, it is important that I do not settle for the illusory peace of a compromise. When my wife and I settle for compromise, the only satisfaction I feel is in knowing that she lost just as much as I did. Compromise may often seem like the best solution available, but it actually makes both sides feel like they’ve lost, because they both accepted less than what they knew in their hearts was truly possible. Once we start trusting the power of our heart’s intention, we will begin to see miraculous results being born out of what at first seemed like a hopeless deadlock.

  To be able to witness these kinds of miracles, I have to keep reminding myself that I am not being asked to solve the problem. Problems have built-in mechanisms for resolving themselves. Once the feelings that the pro
blem made us aware of are resolved, the problem magically transforms itself into a gift, a life lesson, or a new opportunity for abundance. A perfect example of this came from two friends of ours who were in the clutches of a serious money problem. With him out of work and a child on the way, the stress led to some bitter quarrels. In her mind, he was incompetent (“not man enough to take care of a family”), and in his mind she purposely got pregnant without his consent so she could run away from life (“Hide out in the house and watch soap operas all day”) while he sweated away at some unrewarding job. Underneath these accusations, she was feeling that it was her fault there was no money, while he thought the same about himself. In their guilt, they each thought they themselves should have the answer to their money problem. In the nick of time, they decided to sit down and communicate responsibly. As they did, it came out that they both were convinced that they were useless failures. Joining each other in that pain, they cried some tears and mourned their loss of a happier youth. They spent the night comforting each other. A few days later he was offered a great job that suited his gifts and talents.

  To me, getting the job was not the miracle. The miracle was that my two friends found love in the heart of the darkness. They realized that they didn’t have a money problem. Their problem was a lack of trust in life, a trust they lost through some trauma. Once they gave up thinking that it was their job to solve the problem, they could deal with what was important; the problem, being no longer necessary, transformed itself into the gift of faith in life. The key to this transformation was in their realization that what they really wanted was for their child to have happy, loving parents.

  2. What misunderstandings must be cleared up first? Maybe my partner came home late because she got a flat, or had to take care of a sick friend and had no time to call. Or maybe she stayed out because she thought I didn’t really care if she came home or not, while I was thinking that she was out with someone she liked more than me. Clearing up misunderstanding makes assumptions irrelevant, and assumptions are often the fuel for accusations. Once all the facts are in the open, you can begin to deal with the real source of aggravation, such as “what are we experiencing that makes us think one doesn’t care for the other?”