Relationship- Bridge to the Soul

by Chris G Moon

  The power of this exercise rests in your intention to reclaim your true nature, and your willingness to actualize this intention. Actualization occurs when you are clear about what you want—what you intuitively sense is good for you—and your willingness to accept that your partner does not have to be your source. As you become clearer about who you are, you step towards the Truth. Often, you will see your partner take that same step—in his/her time. At this point you have reclaimed the power of your own choice, and can choose your partner again; not from need this time, but from a sense of what is right for you.81

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  MIRROR, MIRROR ON THE WALL

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  “Who knows what evil lurks in the hearts of men? The shadow knows.”

  From the 1930s radio show called “The Shadow,” by Walter Gibson

  I read a great story in the newspaper many years ago—long before I even knew the universal implications of its message. It was a true account of a group of well meaning Christians who travelled to remote villages in India to tell the villagers about Jesus. They came to a farming area that was not very advanced technologically. In fact the villagers there had never seen television or movies, and had just been introduced to electricity. To give these simple people a better understanding of who Jesus was, the Christian group brought a big movie projector, and set up a huge screen on a hillside. Thousands of local men, women and children, came out when the sun went down and sat on the ground to watch the movie. The audience became completely absorbed in the story, so much so that when Jesus’ crucifixion was depicted, the crowd went wild. At the sight of the nails being driven into his hands, the audience rose up and charged the screen, attempting to save Jesus by pulling him off the cross. I had a good laugh at this story and the childlike naïveté of those simple people. Fifteen years later I came to recognize how much like those uninformed villagers I actually was. It took me that long to comprehend projection.

  We tend to have a lot of opinions about other people. Some of them are complimentary while others are harsh and judgmental. It seems that the more we get to know someone, the more opinions—good and bad—we form about them. It’s all part of becoming “familiar” with somebody. But we rarely question where these opinions come from. Basically, the opinions we form come from observing the other person’s actions and interpreting their meaning to suit some inner requirement of ours.

  Two people watch a well-dressed man give a homeless person a dollar. One of the observers opines that the well-dressed man is generous and kind; the other observer opines that the man is cheap and arrogant. Who’s right? In reality neither of the observers were right—or wrong, for that matter. Both of them were projecting certain values that they hold about themselves onto the well-dressed man. All our interpretations of what we see in another are simply projections of our evaluations and core beliefs about ourselves.

  When I first heard about projections, I refused to believe any of it. I was adamant that I was me and everyone else was everyone else, and my judgments and opinions of others were not reflections of me. One day that all changed. I was talking to a friend of mine, criticizing a co-worker for certain obvious faults. Suddenly my friend turned to me and said, “It sounds like you’re talking about yourself there, Chris.” The more I insisted that I was not at all like this other jerk, the more my friend laughed, until I could no longer object. Smiling in spite of my shame, I admitted to my friend that he was right.

  Since then I have often realized that everything we see is a reflection of what is already inside us. Whatever we judge in someone else is what we believe to be true about ourselves. If I reject someone for being too critical, I am projecting how harshly I reject my own critical nature. Maybe that one is a bit obvious—criticizing someone for being critical—but it is the same for all my opinions. What I attack in someone else is what I am unconsciously attacking in me. Unfortunately I usually remain unaware that I am simply seeing myself in a mirror (which is too bad, because there are a lot of gifted people that I waste time envying when I could be recognizing my own giftedness through them).

  A Shadow Figure is an individual who possesses the qualities that you judge to be the worst parts of yourself. Of course, when you first meet that person you don’t immediately realize (if you ever do) that you are seeing yourself. That’s because this individual carries one or more negative attributes that you completely and utterly rejected in yourself to the point that you have denied their very existence within you.

  Although projection often begins to show up in the Disillusionment Stage, it really starts to rear its ugly head at Introspection, when your partner assumes the role of Shadow Figure. You will judge him or her to be objectionable to the point of repulsion, and you may even develop a burning hatred of him or her. Jung suggested that to completely accept your Shadow Figure calls for the highest moral courage; in my experience, though, my highest moral courage was not enough. I needed a miracle. The miracle came through my curiosity.

  I began to wonder if I was wrong about my conviction that Shadow Figures defied the laws of projection and were simply the incarnation of evil in the world. I developed this conviction in my early teens, and had it reinforced until I was in my mid thirties. During those years there was rarely a time when there was not some S.O.B. making my life miserable. Sometimes it was a co-worker; other times it was a close friend who just “changed” all of a sudden and became the bane of my existence. Honestly, there were times when my thoughts would be completely preoccupied with fantasies of my Shadow Figure’s death. Then the miracle occurred as a simple thought that asked me, “What if it’s you, Christopher? What if what you hate about that person is really you—and since you would never want to acknowledge that part of yourself, you would control your behaviour so that you never acted that way?”

  My curiosity got the better of me. I asked myself to imagine what would make a person act like a complete jerk. So he talks too much—what would make him do that? The answer that came to me was “Insecurity.” And what about you, Christopher? Do you feel insecure? Well yes, but I don’t act like that! Of course not, you don’t criticize people out loud because that isn’t nice. But what do you suppose makes him so loudly critical of other people’s mistakes? Because he believes he’s a failure. Correct, just like you do. But instead of being loudly critical, Christopher, you keep your criticisms to yourself because you think people will like you more if you are nice. So you’re a quiet failure and he’s a loud one.

  My exploration continued. With every step, I realized how much alike my Shadow and I were on the inside. We had vastly different—and usually opposite ways—of compensating for what we rejected about ourselves, but we were rejecting the very same painful, limiting feelings and beliefs we carried inside. Like most people, I thought it was my Shadow Figure’s behaviour that was bothering me. But my judgment of the behaviour was merely the righteousness of my Persecutor, compensating for my recognition of the negative quality I was seeing beneath the behaviour. In the example above, I was acting quietly as a compensation for my sense of failure, while my Shadow Figure was acting loudly to compensate for the same sense of failure. I looked at my quiet compensator as being better than his loud one, thus distancing myself from the real shadow beneath both of our behaviours.

  For years I have practiced the following method of integrating my Shadow Figures. Sometimes it is slow going, for there are still aspects of myself which I am scared to admit are actually me. But with determination, willingness, and the help of my soul, I have consistently seen that my Shadow is me. If you are confronted with a partner, friend, acquaintance, relative, or even a stranger that you find it impossible to tolerate, much less love and accept, this exercise may be a great help to you:

  1. What is the negative attribute of the person that causes you to react? Remember to stay away from behaviour and focus on inner qualities. If you focus on behaviour, ask yourself what your Shado
w must be believing or feeling about him/her self to cause the behaviour.

  2. Once you get the answer to #1, find the belief or feeling in you that is the same as your Shadow’s. Accept that part of yourself as best you can. Own it. Your shadow is your mirror image. When you lift your right hand, your reflection lifts what seems to be its left hand. But you’re both lifting your hand for the same reason. The behaviour may be opposite, but the motive is identical.

  3. You may feel a little uncomfortable once you decide to accept the part of yourself that you were rejecting,. It is not pleasant to acknowledge your hateful judgments as being self-judgments, but the discomfort will not last long. As a matter of fact the discomfort is a sign that the process is working, for Truth is sometimes a bitter medicine.

  4. Now express your appreciation of something you admire about that person. This step I found to be a very expedient way to transform the Shadow Figure. By looking for something you can admire and respect, you open your heart to this other person. If the Shadow Figure is your partner, this step has the power to reignite a flame that you may have thought was extinguished. Also, since projections can be positive as well as negative, when you appreciate a gift in someone else you make it possible to own that same quality in yourself.

  5. Go back to #1. Keep following these four steps until you feel close to the other person and the Shadow has disappeared. Remember that the closer you are emotionally to your Shadow Figure, the more intense and challenging this process will be—and the more rewarding. For once you have integrated your Shadow, all the gifts that you rejected in your past can now return. You have reopened the door to your soul.

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  SEXUAL GUILT

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  “It’s your choice: sex without guilt, or guilt without sex.”

  —Anonymous

  In a movie I saw once, Woody Allen was playing a character who was being praised by a woman for being a great lover. He acknowledged his expertise proudly, explaining that he practiced a lot when he was by himself. Unfortunately many people do not always have such confidence and positive feelings regarding their sexuality, and can often remain unaware of some personal block until they are involved in a significant emotional relationship.

  The growth of sexual guilt at the Introspection Stage can lead to deadness in the bedroom, sexual difficulties, a man’s sense of lost potency, a woman’s sense of lost attractiveness, temptations towards other sexual partners, busyness, tiredness, physical repulsion towards the partner, triangle relationships, and divorce or separation. Some of the remarks I have heard around this particular process are:

  • “I’d rather just spend my time reading a good book.”

  • “Sometimes when I’m making love, I feel like I’m having sex with my mother!”

  • “I feel so uptight—I just can’t get it up.”

  • “The thought of making love to him makes me want to throw up.”

  • “I’m ready to go any time, but she/he is almost never into it.”

  • “We’re just too busy for it now. What with the kids, our jobs, and taking care of the house, there’s just no time.”

  Once again, because this is an unconscious process, one isn’t aware that one is losing interest in, being turned off from, denying, or being denied, sex because of guilt. One of the biggest problems in understanding our sexuality comes from the widely held identification of our sexuality to specific locations in the body. This identification was established in our early adult life when the volcanic power of sexual energy that erupted in us during adolescence seemed to abate in our twenties, and became more or less localized in our genitalia. Of course our genitals were always extremely sensitive to the force of sexual energy, but you might remember that when puberty came upon us it was a complete body experience, just as it was when we were infants. In both infant-hood and adolescence the energy was eventually contained. I suggest that the power of guilt acts as a suitable container for such an awesome energy.82

  I do not want to explore the source of sexual guilt, or even give case histories and bibliographies to support its validity. I am aware that there are those who do not even believe in its pervasiveness throughout humanity. Whether it exists in many or only a few, I am writing about it because many of those I have met in my profession have been convinced that once the sex dies, the marriage is over. In fact I have often witnessed a lack of sexual enthusiasm being used as a very convincing argument for ending the relationship. However, upon further exploration I have inevitably found that the sexual deadness is only one aspect of an overall malaise that has infiltrated the relationship. It’s just that some people tend to react more strongly when the sex goes.

  The truth is that the sex is not really gone; it is just not as focused on your personal plumbing as it may have been previously. One way to look at sexual energy is as a magnetic force that can end the separation between two seemingly opposite polarities. To my mind, anything that heals separation is, by nature, loving. Since love never dies, neither can sexual energy.

  If you are in a situation where you and your partner are not enjoying sexual interaction through your sexual organs,83 my first question would be, how much do you want your partner? Not just the use of his/her body to pleasure yourself, or the reassurance of his/her desire for you—how much do you want to experience an intimate connection with the most important person in your life? There comes a point in most relationships when physical stimulation or even fantasy is not enough to maintain sexual arousal around your partner, because your soul is calling for more of who you really are to be with who your mate really is. Sometimes in order to reach a more essential you, the bad feelings you have about yourself, your body, and your sexual identity, along with fusion issues, come to the fore and diminish or inhibit the enjoyment of your sexuality. These in turn can bring on feelings of personal failure, anxiety, or frustration. You will either be aware of these within you, or see them reflected in your partner’s response to you. Of the many stressful factors in a relationship, sexual issues are right near the top of the list.

  But what if you were to view what is happening as a chance to learn more about yourself and your capacity to love unconditionally. What if you were to simply focus on loving your partner—as a friend, a companion, and a wonderful gift in your life? Would you be more willing then to share your secret world, your fears, your resentments toward the opposite sex (if that applies), your fantasies, your insecurities, and your pain, and let the love and trust of true friendship grow? Out of that friendship will likely come the poignancy and power of true intimacy; for intimacy involves being truly, nakedly yourself, and sharing that self with your chosen partner. It is not a plateau that, once reached, can be considered conquered. Many times I have experienced deep intimacy with my wife, only to find it mysteriously elusive a day later, for the Soul’s call is unrelenting, urging you always to reach further for your self. But once experienced, such intimacy can lead you to a sense of sexual naturalness which can melt away the layers of deeply embedded guilt that have suppressed the boundless energy of the “kundalini.” As the kundalini uncoils, gradually stretching itself upwards, the entire body becomes the instrument of love it was intended to be.

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  COMPETITION

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  “It’s lonely at the top, but who cares? It’s lonely at the bottom too!”

  —Anonymous

  The root of competition is scarcity—the belief that there is not enough for everybody. When you hold such a belief, and combine it with the need to be special, you perceive the world through this scarcity and see that there is not enough love out there for you—you will need to beat all other people who are vying for the same goal as you are.

  The same competition for specialness takes place in your most important relationships. You may enter the contest against your mate, using your friends, y
our neighbours, or your children as the prize (“Who do you love more—Mommy or Daddy?”); or you may simply want to prove to your partner alone that you are more special than she/he is. As a basis of proof you might use your intelligence, parenting skills, arguing abilities, knowledge of the world, past experiences, previous relationships, popularity, cleanliness, or driving expertise, to name a few. Whatever arena you and your partner choose to enter to prove your supreme specialness, I guarantee one thing: you will both lose. That is because the basis of your competition is a lie. Either we are all loved equally or there is no love.