The Unimaginary Friend

by Guy Bass

  “Where are we going…?” Ben asked.

  “To the world of infinite doorways, of course,” Skeleton Keys replied, clambering into the drawer. “To my Doorminion!”

  As Skeleton Keys disappeared into the drawer, Ben looked out of the smashed window and stared into the sky, hoping to see the Gorblimey emerge through the clouds. But his friend was well and truly gone.

  “Please come back,” he sighed. Then, without a plan to find Daisy and no better idea than following Skeleton Keys, he clambered into the drawer. He was immediately swallowed into the lightless abyss and, as the drawer slammed shut above his head, he felt himself start to fall…

  “Aaaa–uff!” Ben wailed, landing suddenly on a cold, hard floor.

  “Welcome to my Doorminion! Sorry about the mess, I was not expecting visitors,” Skeleton Keys declared.

  Ben stood up and looked around. There was no “mess” – Doorminion was a void of light-swallowing blackness. Ben would have no sense of distance or direction but for one thing – a seemingly infinite number of identical white doors, suspended in the darkness and stretching endlessly in every direction. It was the most dizzying sight he had ever seen.

  “Where do they all go?” he asked.

  “This-a-way, that-a-way … they are the doors to all other doors,” Skeleton Keys replied. “A world of entrances and exits … and Daisy must be behind one of them.”

  “How about this one?” said Ben, pointing at the nearest door.

  “You mean, of the near-infinite number of doors in my Doorminion, is Daisy behind the one that you happen to be standing next to?” scoffed Skeleton Keys. “Cheese ’n’ biscuits, Benjamin, we cannot rely on guesswork and goose-ploys! I must use the twitch…”

  “The twitch?” repeated Ben.

  “My twitch is never stronger than here, in my Doorminion,” explained Skeleton Keys. “With enough concentration and a half-decent headwind, I may be able to use the twitch to find Daisy, invisible or not.”

  “Wait, could you find the Gorblimey?” Ben asked.

  “Why would I want to find the Gorblimey? He is harmless! You must try and keep up, Benjamin – it is Daisy who is dangerous,” said Skeleton Keys. Ben saw the skeleton’s head shudder and jolt so quickly he thought it might fall off again. “Come out, come out, wherever you are…” he said, his teeth chattering as he spoke.

  As Skeleton Keys entered a trance-like twitch-state, Ben paced up and down in the blackness. If Daisy was behind one of these doors, that meant the Gorblimey was too. He was out there somewhere, alone and probably scared out of his wits.

  Ben glanced again at the nearest door. Despite himself, he reached out for the plain, round handle. He turned it and slowly pushed. The door opened with an ominous CREEEAK.

  The first thing he saw was the Chair of Doom outside the head teacher’s office.

  He was back in the corridor of his school.

  Ben peeked around the other side of the Doorminion door, and saw the sign for the girls’ toilet.

  “No way…” he whispered. Through the window in her office, Ben could see Ms Mercy was on the phone. She was speaking in her “teacher voice”, so even though her door was shut, Ben could hear every word.

  “Doctor Bunsen? It’s Marcy Mercy, Grundy Island Primary,” she began.

  She’s talking to Mum! Ben thought, his heart in his mouth.

  “I’m sorry to tell you that your son Benjamin has acquired … a monster,” Ms Mercy continued. “Yes, I said ‘monster’. Yes, I saw it! It jumped on to my desk!” Ms Mercy took off her glasses and rubbed her eyes. “If you don’t mind me saying so, Doctor, you don’t sound overly concerned. Well, I must inform you that I saw Benjamin and his monster climb out of my window and bounce off into the clouds! Truancy, Doctor Bunsen, is taken very seriously at this school, whether in the company of a monster or n—”

  KNOCK.

  KNOCK.

  Ben heard the knock at her door but there was no one there to do the knocking. He froze.

  “Excuse me, I must go,” Ms Mercy said. She hung up the phone and opened her door. Ben ducked back into Skeleton Keys’ Doorminion as the head strode out into the corridor and looked around. He kept the door open just a crack and heard Ms Mercy say, “Who did that? Who knocked?”

  Ben heard her door slam shut. Then:

  CLUNK-CLICK.

  Ben dared to peek around the door again. Ms Mercy stood outside her office, inspecting her door. Something was sticking out of the lock.

  It was Skeleton Keys’ finger. The Key to Oblivion.

  Oh no… Ben mouthed.

  “Very funny! I know a prank when I see one,” Ms Mercy declared loudly, reaching for the door handle. “It’s going to take more than that to scare me – I had a monster on my desk half an hour ago…”

  “Wait, don’t!” cried Ben, rushing out into the corridor, but it was too late – Ms Mercy swung open her door. Her office had been replaced with a mass of swirling, glowing clouds as big as a hundred oceans. The angry, churning maelstrom spiralled into a deep vortex with a bright light at its centre. Ms Mercy stumbled backwards, her horrified scream echoing through the school corridors.

  “That’s for picking on the crybaby,” said a voice as Daisy materialized in the corridor. “Nobody picks on him but me.”

  “Daisy!” cried Ben. “What did you do?”

  “Crybaby? What are you doing here? Are you jealous ’cause I’m about to meet my new friend?” Daisy replied with a grin. She leaned into the swirling vortex.

  “Come out, come out, wherever you are…”

  “It’s Daisy! It’s Daisy!” cried Ben, racing back into the Doorminion.

  “Dogs ’n’ cats, I know who I am looking for,” said Skeleton Keys. “But the longer you distract me, the longer it will take me to find—”

  “I found her!” Ben cried, grabbing the skeleton by his coat-tails and dragging him back towards the door to the school.

  “Wait, I am starting to sense something … Daisy is close!” declared Skeleton Keys as Ben pushed him through the door into the school corridor. “We must stop her before she uses the Key to— Ah.”

  Skeleton Keys was confronted with the sight of Daisy peering into the swirling maelstrom of Oblivion.

  “You haven’t come here to stop me, have you? “’Cause you two are too late,” she said, looking back at them (or literally forwards since she had a backwards head). “But you’re just in time to meet my new best friend…”

  “YARRB!”

  From the churning vortex emerged a mountain of a man. He was twice as tall as Ben’s dad and broad as a wall, with girder-thick arms and legs. What little of his face was visible was so weather-beaten and craggy it looked more like a cliff face than an actual face. The bottom half of it was dominated by not one but two beards. An entire, jet-black beard grew out of the right side of his face while a fiery red beard sprouted from the left. The pirate had two curved golden hooks instead of hands, and two wooden pegs in place of legs. He completed his look with a long coat, cuffed boots, and a hat so wide-brimmed that it made a whistling sound when he turned his head.

  “Crumcrinkles,” cursed Skeleton Keys. “Beardbeard has returned!”

  “SHIBBERY TIMBERS! I BE BEARDBEARD THE PIRATE!” Beardbeard bellowed, his voice a deafening boom.

  At the sight of the giant, two-of-everything pirate, Ben gasped. Despite looking and sounding fairly ridiculous, Beardbeard sent cold, paralyzing dread coursing through Ben’s body. It was all he could do not to run – run and hide, just like his dad had done all those years ago.

  “My new best friend is bigger than yours,” noted Daisy, enjoying Ben’s fear as he stared up in horror at the pirate striding into the corridor.

  “BRING ME THE TREASURE!” Beardbeard roared, raising a hook aloft. “I BE WANTIN’ THE TREASURE!”

  “OK, he’s a bit loud … I can live with that,” said Daisy, wincing at the din. She turned to Beardbeard and added, “Maybe you should let me do the talk—”
>
  “TREASURE! WHERE BE THE TREASURE?” boomed Beardbeard. “I MUST BE FINDIN’ THE TREASURE!”

  “Yeah, I heard you the first time you shouted right in my ear,” huffed Daisy. “Y’know, I didn’t free you so you could just yell about treasure. You’re supposed to be dangerous. If you’re going to be my best friend you’d better start—”

  “YOU!” the pirate hollered, pointing a hook at Skeleton Keys. “YOU BE THE CURVY DOG WHO LOCKED ME IN THAT SWIRLIN’ WORLD O’ NOTHIN’ AND KEPT ME FROM THE TREASURE!”

  “B-Beardbeard! H-how long has it been?” said a panicking Skeleton Keys as the pirate rounded on him. “Now, you should know that I was certain that I’d never see you again after banishing you to Oblivion, so if anyone is the victim here, it is m— AKK!”

  Before Skeleton Keys knew what was happening, Beardbeard had struck. His golden hook-hand locked around the skeleton’s neck.

  “That’s more like it!” noted an impressed Daisy.

  “I – AKK! – do not want to sound fussnickity,” wheezed the skeleton, “but you seem to have got my neck snagged on your – URK! – hook…”

  “YOU BE COMIN’ WITH ME, SKULLERTON – I BE MAKIN’ YOU WALK THE PLANK,” growled the pirate. He hoisted Skeleton Keys into the air and bopped him hard on the head with his other hook. In an instant, Skeleton Keys went limp.

  “No…!” Ben cried.

  “Fine, we can take the skeleton with us – but from now on you have to run all decisions past me,” huffed Daisy. “Now, are we going to get this party started, or what?”

  “AYE! LET’S BE FINDIN’ THE TREASURE!” Beardbeard boomed, flinging the unconscious Skeleton Keys over his shoulder. Then he strode down the corridor with a CLACK-CLOCK-CLACK of wooden legs – and smashed through the wall like it was polystyrene.

  “Try not to be jealous … even though he’s a lot taller than you,” Daisy sneered at Ben, before racing after the pirate with a “Wait for me!”.

  Ben suddenly remembered the head teacher, Ms Mercy, and turned to see her crouched against the wall and gazing, dumbfounded, into Oblivion’s swirling vortex. If even she was terrified, how could he be expected to be brave?

  Ben quickly slammed the door. He stared at Skeleton Keys’ finger, hanging out of the lock, and decided he was so far out of his depth that the best and wisest and safest thing to do was absolutely nothing.

  But a moment later, Ben plucked Skeleton Keys’ finger out of the door and chased after Daisy.

  Ben slipped Skeleton Keys’ finger into his trouser pocket and raced through the hole at the end of the corridor. The day had grown grey and heavy with fog. Ben spotted Beardbeard with Skeleton Keys still slung over his shoulder. With great, clopping strides the pirate had already reached the other end of the car park but Daisy, with her awkward, backwards walk, was finding it harder to navigate the sea of cars. Ben quickly caught up with her and grabbed her by the arm.

  “Daisy, stop!” he said in a desperate whisper. “We’ve got to get Beardbeard back into Oblivion!”

  “Get lost, crybaby,” Daisy snarled. “Beardbeard’s my best friend now – you and me are finished.”

  “I don’t care about— Beardbeard is dangerous, Daisy!” replied Ben. “Skeleton Keys said he nearly blew up a whole town!”

  “Now that I’d like to see. How did he do it?” said Daisy. As if on cue, Beardbeard flung his arms into the air and roared so loudly it set off three car alarms.

  “AHOY, ME HARD CHEESE! I’LL BE NEEDIN’ ME SHIP TO HELP WITH THE TREASURE GETTIN’!”

  The pirate reached a hook into his coat and pulled out a small model of a pirate ship. Ben stared in disbelief – the ship looked almost identical to the model his dad had made from matchsticks.

  “I BE NEEDIN’ YOU SHIPSHAPE, SHIP!” the pirate bellowed, flinging the ship high into the air. As it flew skywards, the ship began to grow. Within seconds, Ben could see a full-size galleon beyond the haze of fog. It floated above them, casting a dark shadow over the whole school.

  The ship’s vast, skull-covered sails whipped and snapped in the breeze, and twenty or more cannons protruded from openings in the hull.

  “So, it turns out my new best friend is the owner-operator of a flying pirate ship,” said Daisy, peering upwards with that lopsided grin on her grey face. “Where’s your best friend again? Oh yeah, he ran away.”

  “A VAST TEA! TIME TO SELL SAIL! DROP THE ANGER!” boomed Beardbeard. He clanged his hooks together and an anchor as big as the pirate himself plummeted towards the ground on a thick iron chain. Ben leaped out of the way as it ploughed into the car park. “THERE BE TREASURE TO BE FINDIN’!” roared Beardbeard. He locked both hooks into the links of the chain and, with Skeleton Keys still slung over his shoulder, began to climb up and up until he reached his flying ship.

  “Right, I’m off! Me and BB – I call him BB – have got stuff to do…” said Daisy. “Don’t feel bad that you don’t even have a— Hey!”

  The sound of shattering tarmac filled the air as the ship’s anchor started moving, dragged along the ground by its chain. Daisy looked up.

  The ship was leaving.

  “Oi! Beardbeard, wait for me!” Daisy screamed. She raced down the street as the anchor was wrenched out of the ground and began to withdraw into the pirate ship. Daisy leaped on to the anchor and held on for dear life. “Come back! You forgot me!”

  “Daisy!” shouted Ben, racing after the pirate ship as the anchor dragged Daisy up into the sky. Without thinking, he leaped into the air and grabbed on to Daisy’s legs.

  “Leave me alone, you smelly sock!” Daisy howled.

  “No! I’m not going anywhere!” cried Ben. True to his word, Ben did not let go of Daisy. The anchor’s chain hoisted the pair up and up until they were pulled inside the bowels of Beardbeard’s ship. Ben outraced Daisy up a flight of creaky wooden stairs and through an equally creaky door to find himself on the deck. He quickly ducked behind a stack of barrels.

  “Where’s Skeleton Keys?” Ben whispered to himself, peeking out. Beardbeard’s ship was an imposing sight. The long wooden deck stretched as far as he could see and smelled faintly of fish. Ben glanced up. Directly above the creaky door was another smaller deck, with stairs leading up to it on both sides. On this quarter deck stood Beardbeard at the ship’s wheel. Skeleton Keys’ limp body still hung over his shoulder. Ben watched the pirate pluck the skeleton up with a hook and, with a loud clatter of bones, cast him on to the deck.

  “THERE BE ONLY ONE WAY TO FIND THE TREASURE!” declared Beardbeard. “BLASTIN’ EVERYTHIN’ TO BITS ’N’ PIECES!”

  cannonballs streaked out from the ship towards the ground. Ben covered his ears as the first salvo obliterated the number twenty-eight bus stop, blasted Grundy Island pier to rubble and reduced Mr Pinchpenny’s casino to dust.

  He’s destroying the island! Mum! Dad! Ben thought in horror. I have to get to Skeleton Keys … I have to find a way to distract Beardbeard so I can—

  “Oi! Pirate!” Daisy howled, appearing in the doorway at the top of the creaky stairs. Ben whispered, “Daisy!”, but she either didn’t hear him or chose to ignore him. Either way, she walked up the steps to the quarter deck and tugged at Bearbeard’s long coat. “You left without me!” she cried. “You forgot me!”

  The pirate leaned towards her, his great beards swaying like trees in the wind.

  “WHO BE YOU?” he asked.

  “Who be me? I be Daisy!” she replied, her hands on her hips. “I’m the one who just freed you from Oblivion, remember? You and me are best friends!”

  “BEARDBEARD HAS NO NEED OF YOU,” scoffed the pirate. “BEARDBEARD NEEDS ONLY THE TREASURE.”

  “Yeah, well, you still have to do what I say – that’s what being a friend means,” Daisy insisted, but Beardbeard returned to his wheel. “Hey, I’m talking to you!”

  “Daisy, don’t…!” Ben hissed from behind the barrel but Daisy spun round and kicked one of Beardbeard’s wooden legs as hard as she could.

 
“If it wasn’t for me you’d still be stuck in Oblivion and no one would even remember that they forgot you!” Daisy roared. “Now, do as you’re told, or else!”

  “I COULD BE DOING THAT,” said Beardbeard, thoughtfully stroking both beards with his hooks. Then suddenly the pirate struck, skewering the back of Daisy’s dress and lifting her into the air. “OR I COULD JUST BE THROWIN’ YOU OVERBOARD…”

  “Don’t you dare overboard me!” cried Daisy, struggling in vain as Beardbeard dangled her over the edge of the ship.

  “Hey!” came a cry. “Let go of my friend!”

  The pirate looked down to see Ben racing up the stairs to the quarter deck.

  “ANOTHER STOWAWAY?” growled Beardbeard. “AND WHO BE YOU BE, LAND BLUBBER?”

  “I be … I’m B-Ben,” Ben replied, trying to sound brave but squeaking like a mouse. “And … and that’s my friend.”

  “Really?” murmured Daisy. “You mean it?”

  “Of course … you’ll always be my friend,” said Ben, smiling weakly at Daisy despite being pant-wettingly scared. He slowly turned back to Beardbeard. “Now, p-please leave Daisy alone.”

  “I COULD BE DOING THAT … OR I COULD JUST BE THROWIN’ YOU BOTH OUT!” growled Beardbeard. Ben’s panic doubled as the pirate swung his other hook, piercing Ben’s sweater and hoisting him into the air.

  “YOU BE A PAIN IN MY BEARDS,” cried Beardbeard, dangling them both off the edge of the ship. “HAPPY LANDIN’S, YOU LAND BLU—”

  Beardbeard was thrown backwards, toppling over the ship’s wheel and plummeting to the deck below. He threw his arms wide, and Ben and Daisy were flung from his hooks, skidding and skittering along the hard wooden floor. Ben’s head spun as he looked up and saw a dark shape looming over him.