Hating You

by Beck, J. L.

  No, no… It can’t be. I saw him. I saw Brett. There was DNA evidence. It had to have been him. Ashton told me, and the jacket, the rape kit. It can’t be. There isn’t a way. Confusion and fear slither through my insides like a snake.

  The air around me grows heavy, my chest rising and falling so rapidly I’m afraid I might give myself away.

  Like a bull, Nate grows more agitated. “You stupid, bitch! Come out!” He yells through the building, loud enough for hope to bloom inside of me. Someone might hear him, even though most rooms are upstairs and not on this floor, someone must hear. Maybe they’ll call campus police? Maybe they’ll…

  “I’m going to fuck you up when I find you. I’m going to make you bleed. You’ll be begging me to stop.”

  My whole body shivers, and I have to clench my teeth so they won’t rattle together. Swallowing down a whimper, I say a silent prayer in my head.

  “When I’m done with you, I’ll send you in a box to your boyfriend. Maybe that will teach him that he isn’t god.”

  Please don’t let him find me.

  My heart stops, and all the air leaves my lungs when my phone vibrates in my bra. It’s on vibrate only, but even that sounds like a freaking air horn in the otherwise silent space. I completely forgot that I even had it with me.

  I fish it out of my bra as fast as I can without making another sound. I look at the bright screen to find Parker has sent me a text message. I don’t even read it. All I do is unlock the screen, find Parker’s name from my recent call list, and hit the green button.

  “P-parker…” I whisper into the receiver as soon as I hear him pick up.

  “Willow? What’s wrong?” His voice is instantly on edge, wrapped up in concern and a hint of panic. He has no idea. Not yet.

  “N-Nate,” I say almost silently. “He is… he is…” I can’t even get the words out. I feel like there is a thick chain wrapped around my throat, tightening with each breath I take.

  “Where are you? Are you at the dorms?” While he asks, I can already hear the engine of his car revving up in the background.

  “Yes, under the back stairs.”

  “Stay hidden, don’t move. Don’t make a sound,” he tells me as if I would do anything else. The phone goes dead, and I listen for Nate, hoping he is still going in the other direction. I hold my breath, straining my ears to take in any sound.

  “I know you are still here. Come out, slut!” His voice is coming closer again, but he must not know exactly where I am, and that’s my only saving grace right now. It should only take Parker five minutes to get here, but a lot can happen in five minutes. I try not to think about that, and instead will Parker to get here faster.

  “You’re a fucking tease, you know that? Just wait till I find you,” he threatens, making my stomach churn. Squeezing my eyes shut, I wrap my arms around myself, wishing I could just disappear. Wishing I could be sucked into the concrete behind me, protected and safe. Then like the calm before the storm, silence blankets me. I strain to hear anything, anything at all.

  He is still here, but not moving. What is he doing? The sound of a door being kicked in pierces through the air, and my whole body jerks. The phone slips from my fingers and lands on the floor with a loud clash. Shit!

  “Oh, you stupid, bitch. I found you,” he laughs and heads toward me. With every step closer, my heart starts beating faster. Tears start running down my cheeks, and I feel like I might throw up any minute now.

  “Nate!” Parker’s voice cuts through the air, and I take in a sharp breath, both in relief and in terror. What if Nate has a weapon, what if he hurts Parker? Oh, god. Panic circles me like a shark in blood-filled water.

  “Fucking shit,” Nate curses, and the next thing I can hear is the retreating of his footsteps.

  “Willow,” Parker calls out for me, his voice coming closer now. I’m still so terrified that I can’t get a word out, even knowing that it’s probably safe now.

  “Willow,” Parker’s voice wraps around me like a thick wool blanket on a winter’s day. A moment later, he appears in front of me. Like a freaking avenging angel, he stands before me, tall and strong. As soon as I see him, I start sobbing. He squats down in front of me and opens his arms to me.

  He almost got me. He almost hurt me.

  I’m crying so hard now that he is nothing more than a blurry mess.

  “Shh, come here,” Parker soothes, his voice so velvety and calm, he almost sounds like a different person.

  Untangling my own limbs, I crawl out of the corner and throw myself into his arms. He pulls me to his chest, and my sobbing only intensifies.

  “It’s okay, you are safe. No one will hurt you,” he whispers sweet nothings into my hair as he strokes my back. Up and down, up and down. His touch is tender, gentler than I’ve ever felt.

  “Did you call the police?” he asks after a moment.

  “No,” I manage to say. Only then does it dawn on me. Why didn’t I call the cops? I was so scared, I thought Nate was going to rape me, beat me, and kill me. I had a phone, but I only called one person. Parker. The realization of that settles deep in my gut. What does that mean? Why did I call him when I should’ve called the cops?

  “Why didn’t you?”

  “I don’t know.” And truly, I don’t. I don’t understand.

  “Okay, let’s get you upstairs,” Parker coos. “We’ll talk more then.”

  “Will you stay with me?” No way can I be alone right now.

  “Of course.” Parker half carries me, holding up most of my weight as we climb the flight of stairs up to my room. We picked up my clutch and shoes on the way. Once we are in the room, I head straight for my bed, crawling under the blanket, and curl up in the fetal position.

  Parker slides in a moment later, pulling me to his body. His warmth engulfs me, and I know I’m safe, for now.

  Cupping me by the cheek, we stare at each other. The moment is intimate and makes me feel closer to him than I ever have before. “What happened?”

  Then it hits me. All at once, I realize just how wrong I was. That I really did screw this up, that I really did hurt an innocent person. “Oh, my god, Parker. Nate… he told me that he did it. He told me he was the one who hurt my sister.”

  “What?” Parker growls into my face, his whole body tensing, his eyes growing dark, and for a moment, I think he is going to get up, yell at me, maybe even hurt me himself. After all, I’m the reason his brother is in prison right now. I testified against him, helped put him there, though now, it’s obvious it was a lie. Brett is innocent and Nate… I shiver.

  “I swear, Parker, I thought it was Brett, I saw him… and my sister together, and she swore it was him. I had no reason to doubt her. Why would she lie? Why would anybody lie about this? I-I just don’t understand. Nothing makes sense.”

  Every time I think I calm down a little, my sobbing and shaking intensifies again. To my utter shock, Parker holds me closer, instead of pushing me away. It’s like he knows how much I need him, how broken and alone I am.

  “Shh, we’ll figure it out. Everything is going to be okay. I’m here. I’ve got you.”

  For the first time ever, I completely give myself over to him. I have never been so vulnerable and bare before him. I feel raw, all my walls are down. He holds my fragile heart in the palm of his hand, and I can’t help but wonder if he knows that too. Does he know that right now, he could crush my soul with the smallest touch?

  18

  Parker

  She lied. Maybe not of her own volition, but by omission. As I lie in her bed, listening to her snoring softly, I can’t help but wonder where that leaves us. My brother is innocent, which I always knew. He’ll finally be free, but only after sitting in jail for two years. I should be throttling Willow, telling her that I always knew she was a liar, but instead of feeling angry, I’m sad.

  Sad for my brother, sad for Willow, and as pitiful as it might sound, sad for myself. I check the time and read what I’m sending my father over again.
It’s three o’clock in the morning when I hit send. I know he won’t care what time it is. Next, I email our lawyers, they might care what time it is, but we pay them well enough for it not to matter.

  Time ticks by at the slowest pace ever, and no matter how many times I close my eyes, I can’t fall asleep. My mind is running a million miles a minute, without an end in sight. All I can think about is getting Brett out.

  At six in the morning, my phone dings with an email from my father, telling me that everything is set to go. For some reason, my stomach tightens, maybe with fear, or nervousness, I don’t know. Willow hasn’t moved next to me, and because I haven’t been able to sleep, I’ve spent most of the night watching her sleep like a creeper.

  After a short while, I decide it’s time to wake her up. I don’t want to surprise her when everyone shows up, and she hasn’t even had a chance to open her eyes.

  “Willow,” I whisper in her ear and start to rub her arm tenderly. “It’s time to wake up.”

  She sucks in a breath and curls deeper into my side. As much as I would love to stay in bed with her all day, fuck, all week, I can’t. This needs to be done as fast as possible. When Willow’s eyes start to drift closed again, I shake her a little more.

  “Hey, I need you to wake up. The police and a lawyer are coming by soon.”

  “What?” Her voice is raspy and wrapped up in sleep, but she stirs in my arms. Turning so she can see my face, she asks again. “What?”

  “My brother’s lawyer is coming by; the detectives will be here shortly after that. You need to tell them what happened last night.”

  “O-okay,” she whispers, her eyes darting around the room. “Do I have time to take a shower?”

  “Yeah, go ahead.” I watch her get up, half tempted to follow her into the shower, but I end up letting her go alone. Less than ten minutes later, she reappears from the bathroom. Her naked body is wrapped up in a towel, beads of water glisten against her bare shoulders. Her black hair seems even darker and falls off her shoulders in large curls. Even freshly showered, she looks like a goddess.

  She doesn’t even blink as she drops the towel and pulls her panties up her legs. Averting my gaze, I look down at the mattress because if I stare at her for another second, I might just take her against the bed. When I look back up, she’s just pulling her shirt over her head.

  Crawling back onto the bed, she takes the open spot next to me.

  “What happens now?” She whispers, and I can feel how fragile she is, simply by the tone of her voice, almost as if she’s given up. I don’t want her broken, but I can’t do anything to fix her until we fix what’s already happened. Nate will pay for fucking with her. I’ll personally dish out his ass-kicking and then some.

  “Do you know where Ashton is?” I ask, keeping my voice soft.

  Her beautiful green eyes fill with rapidly rising fear, “Parker…” She shakes her head, “Please don’t make me tell you. What are you going to do to her?” Her panic is palpable, and I can taste it on my tongue.

  Cupping her by the cheek, I lean into her, inhaling her sweet scent into my lungs. “The lawyers and detectives are going to want to talk to her. We’re not going to do anything to her. Just talk.” I don’t know how I’m remaining so calm right now, but what I do know is that if I start to break down, Willow will clamp up, and I need her to be open if I’m going to get my brother out of this fucking mess.

  “Parker,” she pleads, her fingers gripping onto my arm, “she’s incredibly fragile right now. Please don’t do this. Won’t it be enough if I say what Nate told me?” I know what she’s feeling right now, the need to protect her family and her sibling. But I can’t, won’t let this go on any longer. Brett is innocent, and he’s spent enough time paying for another man’s crime.

  I shake my head, trying to keep my cool, “I’ve been emailing back and forth with the lawyer all morning. What happened yesterday will reopen an investigation, but it won’t help get my brother out any time soon. There is too much evidence against him.”

  “Okay,” she whimpers, and I can see the indecision on her face. If she doesn’t tell me. Fuck, I don’t even want to think about it. “You’re right. We need to do this as quickly as possible…. Ashton is… she is in a rehab facility. She is in a bad place. Has been since that night. She’s tried to kill herself twice.” Willow’s voice breaks at the end, and like an overflowing sink, the emotion inside her spills over. She lets her face fall into her hands and starts crying again.

  Shit. I didn’t know Ashton was doing that bad. I’ve hated her for so long for putting my brother in prison. It was easy to imagine that she was somewhere out there, living a good life, while my brother was rotting in jail. The thought used to make my anger grow, and I fed off that anger for so long. If I’m honest with myself, I wanted to feed it. I wanted that fury to grow because it was the only thing I had left. I let it fester like a wound that would never heal. For the first time in two years, I let my empathy take over as I think about poor Ashton, and what she has been through. She’s suffered so much. I can’t even imagine.

  “We’ll make sure that whoever questions her is trained to talk to victims of assault,” I try and soothe her. My phone rings in my pocket while I’m talking, but I ignore it knowing already who it is.

  “The lawyer is here,” I tell Willow after I check my phone.

  Her face turns sickly pale, fear bubbling to the surface, “Will you be able to stay? I don’t want to be alone with someone I don’t know.”

  “I’m sure it’s okay if I stay.” I give her a reassuring smile, and then press my lips to her forehead before getting up to open the door for the lawyer. I can’t help but notice how she is clinging onto me for support. How she needs me and wants me right now. I hate the circumstances, but I do not hate this new side of her. I don’t hate it at all. In fact, it makes me crave her that much more, and I’m not sure I’ve ever been more terrified of the unknown and what the future holds than right now.

  * * *

  It takes two hours for them to take her statement and get all the paperwork taken care of. Before they leave, the police assure me they are doing everything as fast as they can, but in my eyes, it’s not fast enough. I feel a little on edge and do my best not to take my anger out on Willow. I don’t tell her, but someone is already at the facility Ashton is staying at, talking to her.

  All we need her to do is change her statement. My father and Brett assured her they wouldn’t press charges, and the police say that as long as Brett is okay with the outcome, the state won’t charge her for making a wrong statement either.

  After the police are finally gone, Willow and I are left alone in her room again. Part of me wants to hold her all day while the other wants to go to my family’s estate and wait for any news regarding my brother. When my phone starts to ping every five seconds with emails, calls, and texts from my mom and dad, I finally decide it’s time to go.

  As if Willow can read my mind, she stirs on my chest, where she’s been sprawled out for a good while. The last thing I want to do is leave right now, but I have to.

  “I need to go, Willow. I hate to leave you, but I really need to go.”

  “I know,” she murmurs softly. Through her thick lashes, she peeks up at me, her eyes still swollen and red from all the crying she did this morning.

  “Are you going to be okay here?” I don’t know why I even ask. That’s such a stupid question. After the shit with Nate yesterday, his confession to raping Ashton, and the fact the police have zero leads on where he is, I doubt she’s anywhere close to being okay.

  Of course, despite all of that, she gives me a nod. “I’ll be fine.”

  She rolls to the side, so her body is lying on the bed and not on top of me. I miss her body the moment we lose touch. Leaning over, I kiss her on the forehead and get up to put my shoes on. I can’t believe how quickly our relationship has changed. How quickly she went from hating me to needing me. Or maybe she always needed me, but she is just now rea
dy to admit it.

  “I’ll call you later, okay?”

  “Okay, I’m going to try to reach my father and see if he can take me to Ashton.”

  “Maybe you can ask Alice to drive you instead?” After I saw her father almost hit her yesterday, I’d rather she not be alone with him today, or ever. Willow nods in agreement, obviously, I don’t have to give her an explanation.

  “I’ll call Alice,” she confirms, grabbing her phone.

  I slip out of the room while Willow makes the call to her friend. I have to force my legs to move, taking each step further away from her. I am torn between wanting to stay with her and wanting to go home. My head says to go home, but the rest of my body wants to stay.

  My phone pings again, as if to give me another sign that I need to leave. Checking my messages, I read the words I’ve so long hoped to read.

  Dad: She confessed everything. Brett was released.

  On the way to my parents’ house, I break every speed limit there is. Pulling into the driveway thirty minutes later, I come to a halt with my tires squealing. I kill the engine and open the door at the same time. There are two cars I don’t recognize parked out front, and I wonder who all is here.

  I half run toward the front door. When my foot touches the first step of the porch, the door flies open. I look up, expecting either one of my parents to be there ready to yell at me for not coming earlier. Instead, I find a large body filling out the door frame. All the pressure on my shoulders, the anger, and hate, it fades to the background.

  In all his glory, my brother stands before me with a huge smile on his face, one so similar to mine.

  “It’s about time, little brother,” Brett grins, only looking a little different since the last time I saw him. The words have barely left his lips before I’m lunging myself at him. Our chests clash together, his body weight knocking the air out of me.