When We Were Us

by Elena Aitken

  He nodded. “It’s a huge deal. The quest to start a family, well…it’s been…” He drifted off because there was no point saying what they both knew. It had been beyond difficult. The very thing that they thought would pull them together had broken them apart.

  “That’s exactly what I’m saying.” Christy took a deep breath and sat up straighter. She’d been thinking about it for days, and it wouldn’t be easy to say it, but for the sake of her marriage and her own sanity, it needed to be said. “I think now that IVF is off the table, we should maybe take a break from all of it for a bit.”

  “From all of what?” He sat back, but Christy wouldn’t let him let go of her hands. “We kind of are taking a break, aren’t we? I mean, Dr. Duncan said we’re out of embryos and the cost is…well, it’s not really an option right now.”

  She shook her head in agreement. “We’d talked about other options once and we’d agreed to revisit them if and when the time came.” She remembered that conversation. Neither of them had actually thought that time would come. They were so sure that IVF would work. “And while I’m not saying no for forever,” Christy continued, “I’m saying no to right now.”

  “No to…”

  “No to thinking about adoption, or fostering, or…anything else with starting a family.”

  Mark let out a whoosh of air and pulled his hands free from hers. The loss of his touch was immediate, and she had to stop herself from lunging forward to grab him again. “Wow.”

  Christy clasped her hands together. “I know it’s not really what we talked about and maybe that’s not fair, but I just think that considering everything that’s been going on and how I’ve been feeling and how you’ve been feeling, maybe this is the right time to focus on us again. I’m going to work on my music and try to make some progress with that. I don’t know if it’s really fair if we—”

  “Christy.” He held up a hand to stop her wild rambling. “It’s okay.” Mark’s lips turned up into a soft smile.

  “It’s okay?”

  He smiled and finally took her hand again. “It’s okay. If you need time, I completely understand. At the end of the day, it’s you and I who are the family and whatever we decide to do, we decide together. It doesn’t have to be right now. It doesn’t have to be tomorrow.”

  “I’m not saying no forever, Mark.” It was important he understood that.

  “I know, sweetie.”

  She searched his face for a sign that he was upset. “And you’re okay with it? You’re not disappointed?”

  He laughed, giving her the answer she needed. “Upset? Sweetie, as long as you and I are together, I couldn’t possibly ever be disappointed. You are my everything. You’re all I need and everything else that may or may not come, will only add to this. But together, we are enough.” He squeezed her hands and repeated himself. “We are enough.”

  “You’re sure?”

  He smiled and she could see in his eyes that he meant it. “I’m sure.” Mark leaned forward and kissed her squarely on the lips. “And if you’re ready to talk about it again—”

  “When I’m ready to talk about it,” she corrected him.

  “Right. When you’re ready.”

  He smiled again, and Christy couldn’t remember the last time she’d been so happy. The last few months, even longer, had been a whirlwind and a crazy ride of ups and downs. Never did Christy imagine she’d be living the life she was. It was not at all the life she’d imagined, that was for sure.

  But things had a way of working out. She was confident that when the time was right to start thinking about how they intended to expand their family, it would present itself. Until then, she was looking forward to having things slow down a little bit so they could just focus on each other.

  Chapter Eighteen

  Cam was both nervous and excited as she walked through the front door of Daisy’s Diner. Daisy’s had always been a spot to meet up with friends, have a small bite to eat or just a cup of coffee. It was perfect for almost every situation, and it was definitely the right choice for the conversation she was about to have with Christy.

  For the last few weeks, while Christy had first been on tour and then holed up with Mark on their little reconnection stay-cation, Cam had been stressing and fretting about how she was going to tell Christy that she was pregnant. And she had to tell her, too, because it was time for a prenatal appointment. It was actually past time. But there was no way she could see Mark without talking to Christy first.

  She almost contemplated going to a different doctor, but that felt wrong, too.

  Small-town problems to be sure, but problems nonetheless. That would change today. She’d called and booked an appointment to see Mark later that afternoon, but first she was meeting Christy for a coffee.

  Cam ordered herself a mint tea from Daisy at the counter and looked around the space. Christy wasn’t there yet, so she put in an order for a latte for her friend as well and went to grab a table in the corner. It had been a strategic move to meet Christy in a public place, and also a bit of a chicken-shit move. But more than anything, Cam didn’t want her best friend to be upset or hurt that she was expecting a baby at a time when they’d only vaguely discussed having children together, when Christy and Mark had gone through so much heartache in their own quest.

  It didn’t seem fair and although deep down, Cam knew that Christy would be happy for her—of course she would—she just wasn’t quite sure how she would react. And the last thing she wanted was to hurt her.

  Cam found a quiet table and fidgeted with the glass vase in the middle of the table that held a single fresh daisy for a few minutes before Daisy herself brought over her drink orders. “You sure you don’t want coffee?” Daisy asked. “I know how teenage girls can be.” Cam couldn’t help but laugh when the older lady winked at her. Despite having children of her own, who had long since been grown, Daisy also had to deal with high school students who had been using her diner as a hangout spot since before Cam’s time, never mind her teenage employees.

  “I hope Morgan hasn’t been giving you any trouble.” Cam already knew the answer. Morgan loved her job at Daisy’s. Or maybe it was the paycheck that came with it. Either way, Cam didn’t expect to hear anything she didn’t know.

  “Morgan’s great.” Daisy waved her hand, dismissing Cam’s potential concern. “You know what they say—kids are always better behaved for someone else. It’s their mamas they save all the good stuff for.”

  Cam laughed and her thoughts went instinctively to her new unborn baby and all the good stuff he or she would reserve just for her. “That’s the truth,” she said after a moment. “Thanks, Daisy.”

  “You let me know if you change your mind about that coffee.”

  “Of course.”

  With a nod and a wink, the older woman turned away and returned to her post at the counter. A moment later, Christy, looking refreshed and happy in her blue tank top and cut-off shorts, walked in.

  She smiled as soon as she saw Cam, who pulled her into a hug when she reached her. “You look amazing, Christy.”

  “I guess that’s what a little bit of reconnection with your husband will do.” She laughed and sat down. “Is this mine? Thank you.”

  Cam nodded. “Tell me all about your tour and playing with the band. I heard there was a name change?”

  “You heard?”

  “Ben.” Cam shrugged. “Evan was playing pool with him last week and the guys came in,” she explained. “Timber Heart? I love it. So I guess this means you’ll be playing with them some more.”

  “Not only playing but writing too.” Christy leaned across the table with excitement as she told Cam all about the songs she’d written and how well they’d been received. The conversation slid naturally into how things had progressed between her and Mark, and Cam couldn’t have been happier for her friend and her rediscovered happiness.

  “You’re absolutely glowing, Christy. You’re like a totally different person. I know it’s been so ha
rd for the last little while.”

  Christy’s smile faded, but only for a second. “It has,” she said. “But you know what? I wouldn’t have traded anything that Mark and I went through because if none of that had happened, none of this would be happening.”

  “Everything happens for a reason?”

  Christy nodded. “I believe that. I really do.”

  “I’m really glad you feel that way.” Cam took a deep breath.

  Her friend stiffened and tilted her head in question. “Why do you say that?”

  “I have something to tell you and I know it might be hard to hear, but I hope you’ll be happy and—”

  “You’re pregnant.”

  “I’m—wait.” Cam shook her head and sat back in her seat. She stared at her friend. “How did you know?”

  Christy laughed. “I didn’t. But when anyone starts a conversation like that, Cam…there are only a few possibilities. Congratulations. You guys must be so excited.”

  Cam ignored the congratulations, concerned instead for her friend. “Are you okay? I mean, I know…I don’t mean for…”

  “Cam, I’m fine. Really.” Her smile looked genuine, and Christy wasn’t one to lie to her, but still…Cam was concerned. It was a sensitive topic. “I really am happy for you and Evan. Really.”

  “Really?”

  “Really!” Christy laughed for a moment and then got serious again. “I’ll be honest with you, it does sting a little.”

  Cam felt a twinge in her gut.

  “But,” she continued quickly, “I really am happy for you. I know that just because it isn’t going to happen for Mark and me doesn’t mean that the rest of the world is going to stop having babies. And I meant what I said earlier. I really do think that everything happens the way it’s supposed to happen. Your baby is the same and I can’t wait to spoil him crazy.”

  “Him?”

  Christy shrugged. “It’s just a hunch. Based on nothing.” She laughed. “But still. Now tell me, how excited is Evan? Are you guys going to get married before or after the little guy is born?”

  Together, they laughed and talked, and Cam felt ridiculous for ever thinking that Christy would be upset with her for being pregnant. She should have given her friend more credit because Christy was strong and even though her heart must be hurting, at least a little bit, she was every bit the best friend she’d always been.

  Cam was going to have a baby.

  She’d be lying if she said it hadn’t stung a little.

  Christy’s hands floated to her belly as she walked down Main Street away from Daisy’s Diner after finishing her coffee catch-up with Cam. She let her hands rest on her stomach, for a minute. There would never be a baby in there. She’d never feel the swell of her belly with a baby growing inside her.

  It was the first time she’d really allowed herself to acknowledge that particular fact since that last appointment. She would never carry a child. But that didn’t mean that she wouldn’t be a mother.

  Christy had meant it when she told Cam that everything happened the way it was supposed to. She’d always believed that to be true, and after the summer they’d had, she believed it more than ever. She also believed that somehow, at some time in the future, she’d be a mother. She just had no idea what that looked like yet.

  And more than that, she was perfectly okay with not knowing. If she’d learned one thing in the last few months, she’d learned that she didn’t necessarily need to know how everything was going to play out, because life always threw a curveball and it probably wouldn’t work out that way anyway.

  It was a beautiful day and not too hot for the middle of August, so she took the path that led down to Riverside Park and walked through the naturalized areas next to the river. It was beautiful and peaceful and gave Christy a chance to process the fact that Cam was pregnant.

  She was happy for them. She really was, but she still allowed herself the moment of pain, too. Honoring herself and her feelings was important. She found a park bench that looked out to the river and sat in the shade, enjoying the sound of the water rippling over the rocks in this quieter part of the river.

  It was still new, but the best way Christy knew to honor her feelings was to write about them. She reached into her purse and pulled out the notebook she’d started carrying around with her. Opened to a blank page and started writing.

  The tears flowed as she let the words spill out of her and onto the page.

  * * *

  There once was a time I dreamed a dream of you.

  I wished, I hurt. I tried, I cried.

  But you’re not here, and my heart breaks.

  Dreams are wishes that the heart makes,

  And baby you’re mine.

  I won’t give up.

  I’ll keep dreaming.

  I’ll keep wishing.

  My baby one day you’ll be.

  * * *

  She didn’t know how long she sat there writing, working and crying, but when she was done, Christy sat up and stared at the notebook on her lap. She’d written pages and not only did she have a new song, she felt better. A lot better.

  She’d been holding on to a lot of feelings and even though she knew on some level that she’d been ignoring them, she hadn’t realized the depth of what she was really feeling or how those feelings had affected everything.

  Just getting it out on paper made her feel better. So much better than she could have imagined. She tucked the notebook away and stretched her arms over her head, laughing at herself as she did so for being so blind to her own emotions.

  “Excuse me?”

  Christy’s laughter cut off as she spun to see a woman standing next to her. She was tall, blonde, and dressed in running clothes.

  “Are you okay?” the woman asked. “I don’t mean to be pushy, but as I was coming down the path you looked like you were crying and then—”

  “I started laughing,” Christy finished for her and almost started laughing again but she stopped herself so the woman didn’t think she was a total lunatic. “I’m fine,” Christy said. “I was just feeling a little emotional is all. But thank you,” she added. It was nice to have people in town who still cared about the well-being of a stranger, and she told the woman so.

  The blonde smiled. “I totally agree with you,” she said. “Honestly, if it hadn’t have been for the kindness of stranger a few months ago, I wouldn’t be training for my big run right now.”

  “Oh yeah?” Christy turned, genuinely interested in hearing the story. “What happened?”

  “I twisted my ankle on a run and was prepared to pretty much ignore it and hurt myself more, but another runner who happens to be a doctor stopped and looked at it, gave me some instructions, which I actually listened to, and now I’m back to full power.”

  A running doctor? Christy smiled. “Did your running doctor savior happen to give you his name?”

  The woman nodded and smiled. “He did. His name is Mark, and I’m guessing you know him?”

  “I do. Very well.”

  “You must be Christy.”

  “I am.” Christy sat up straight. She was used to meeting Mark’s patients and other people whose lives her kind husband had touched in some way, but she wasn’t used to them knowing who she was. “Who are you?”

  “Sorry.” The woman stuck her hand out. “My name is Alicia. I’m training for the same race as Mark and after my ankle healed, I’ve run into him a few times and we’ve trained together.”

  Maybe at one point, not too long ago, Christy would have felt jealous or threatened in some way by this beautiful and fit woman in front of her. There were a lot of things Christy wasn’t sure of in life, but her husband’s love for her wasn’t one of them. What she was feeling was guilt for the fact that Mark hadn’t been training lately for his big run. She’d forgotten all about it during their stay-cation and he hadn’t once mentioned that he needed to go for a training run.

  “It’s nice to meet you,” Christy said distractedly. �
��I’m glad your ankle is feeling better. You’re running the Polar Peeks Ultra too?”

  “I am. But you know, I haven’t seen Mark lately. Is he injured or just…well, he mentioned that…”

  Christy laughed to put the woman at ease. “Look, I’m not a runner but I’ve lived with one long enough to know that sometimes on those long runs you guys get chatting about stuff.” She was more than used to Aaron knowing all kinds of things about their lives, just the same way Mark knew all kinds of details about Aaron. “I’m not surprised if he shared a few things with you.”

  Alicia looked relieved. “It was nothing too personal,” she said quickly. “Mostly I told him to stop being such a guy!”

  “So I have you to thank for my husband’s appearance at my gig?” Christy laughed. She could hardly believe she was having this conversation with a complete stranger, yet she liked Alicia instantly and it didn’t feel as weird as it probably should have.

  “Not at all,” Alicia said seriously. “That was all him. He loves you so much.”

  Christy’s heart swelled in her chest because she knew that was true. “Don’t I know it.”

  “Well, I’m just glad it’s all worked out,” Alicia said after a moment. “And that he’s not injured.”

  “Definitely not. We had a bit of a vacation, but he should be out training soon. I’ll make sure of it.” And she would. It was important that even when their lives got busy and other things started to take priority, that they still made a point of doing the things that were important to them. “You’ll see him out here soon.”

  “Good,” Alicia said. “And maybe he can bring that friend of his, too?” She blushed a little and looked away.

  “Friend?”

  Alicia nodded. “Mark mentioned his usual running partner and I’ve seen him on the trails a few times. I was just—”