by C. Morgan
“It isn’t about who you were. It’s about trust!” She slapped her hand on the table. “I have issues! You know that. I know I sound crazy. I know this is all a little wild, but dammit Jeff, this is fucked up. You should have said you were Jefferson. You should have mentioned we went to school together. I’m not that much of an idiot. I would have figured it out.”
“I’m sorry. I don’t know what to say.”
“You’ve made me feel like a total asshole. I know I was shallow back then. I only had eyes for the quarterback, and I hurt you. I ignored you and all you wanted was my attention. I’m sorry I made you feel bad, but dammit, this is not cool.”
“I’m not mad at you. Yes, it hurt back then, and I won’t pretend it didn’t stick with me, but I see you now. You are the woman I want.”
“That’s why you are afraid of rejection,” she said. “That’s why ERock told you not to get involved with me.”
“No. Yes, but not that. He wanted me to become friends with you again to see if the feelings I had were real or the remnants of a memory.”
She got up from the table. “Thanks for making me into the world’s biggest asshole. I have no one to blame but myself. I seem to have a real knack for picking the other assholes in the world. I will say this, I’m sorry that I was a jerk to you back then. I really am. Life has taught me a lesson that I obviously needed to learn. Congratulations.”
I followed her into my bedroom. “Alora, wait. Please don’t go. Don’t throw away what we have. You know it’s good. I know you are happy. I’m happy. Why does the past matter at this point?”
“Because I don’t believe you really got over what I did to you. I know I wouldn’t. I know I’ll never really get over what Todd did to me. You’ll always have that lingering in the back of your mind. I can’t put myself in a situation to be hurt again. I just can’t do it. This relationship was serious to me. Clearly, it wasn’t for you.”
“That isn’t true.”
She sat down and put on her shoes. “If you were serious, you would have told me. It’s a big deal.”
“Let me drive you back to your car.”
She grabbed her purse and headed for the door. “I’ll walk. I want to walk.”
“I’ll walk with you. It’s dark.”
She rolled her eyes. “I’ll be fine. Trust me, I dare someone to screw with me right now.”
I didn’t want to push too hard. “Will you please call me later? I know we can work through this.”
“I don’t think we can, Jeff. For what it’s worth, I’m happy for you. I’m glad you got in shape and are who you are today. You’ve done well for yourself.”
“Please, don’t go,” I said in a quiet voice. “You are the only woman I have ever wanted. I’ve waited a long time to have you. Don’t throw this away.”
“Goodbye, Jeff,” she said and walked out the front door.
I stood frozen to the spot in the living room. Going after her would not help. I was certain it would only make the situation worse. I walked to the couch and flopped down. There was an empty pit in my stomach. After all this time and all the work I did on myself, she still did not want me. She’d rejected me again.
I felt like I put my heart on the line and she just stomped all over it. I was mentally kicking myself for not coming clean earlier. I should have just said it. I had a feeling she would have been able to laugh about it had she found out before things got serious between us. It could have been our little joke about how forgettable I was. I would use it to tease her from time to time. We’d laugh it off and go on being happy.
Timing was everything. I screwed up the timing in the worst way. I had countless opportunities to come clean with her and I let it all go. I let her slip right through my fingers because I was afraid of being rejected. I was worried she would remember the nerd I was back then and start seeing me in the same light.
My fear of rejection had just cost me everything. My fear of my past destroyed my future. I felt lost. I didn’t know which way to go from here. Holding a candle for someone for half your life and then having it ripped away tended to make one feel adrift.
If I didn’t have Alora, what was the point of staying in Buckeye? There was no way in hell I could see her every day and not have her. That would be the worst form of torture.
I could turn tail and run. With the situation with Fran turning ugly, I couldn’t see any reason to stay. I wasn’t really a glutton for punishment, even if it did seem that way.
I forced myself to get off the couch and cleaned off the table. I dumped the uneaten meal in the trash and cleaned up the kitchen. I was trying to stay busy. It wasn’t working. Every little thing in my kitchen reminded me of her. I headed for bed, hoping I could have a dreamless night.
I needed to escape the pain I was feeling.
Chapter 36
Alora
I rolled over and looked at the clock on the nightstand. It was after nine in the morning. It had been a while since I slept in so late. My brain was itching to get a move on, but I didn’t have the energy. I didn’t want to do anything except sulk in bed.
I felt broken inside. My heart was shattered. This heartbreak was so much worse than it had been with Todd. Breaking up with Todd hurt, and I thought my life was over, but this was different. Ending things with Todd had been a lot about grieving the future I thought I was going to have. It was me losing the dream of being married with children and following in my mother’s footsteps. I’d been groomed to be just like her.
I was supposed to lunch with the ladies, attend book clubs, and be on numerous charity boards. I would have a couple of kids and be active in the schools. I was supposed to be the woman my parents wanted me to be and the wife Todd wanted.
When he walked out on me, I grieved the loss of that perceived dream. But the loss had given me clarity. I didn’t see myself getting any kind of clarity from my current situation. I was crushed in a different way.
My heart literally hurt. I had fallen hard for Jeff. I fell in love with him. I didn’t have crazy dreams for the future, but I had this feeling of belonging. I didn’t need to make plans. I just needed to know he was in my life and loved me in return.
“He wanted revenge,” I whispered.
I was such a little spoiled bitch when I was younger. If I could go back and change who I was back then, I would do it in a heartbeat. I couldn’t go back. I hurt a good guy and I was going to forever feel guilty about that. I knew if the roles were reversed, I would want some kind of revenge. I knew it because I had been in his shoes with Todd and I knew what I almost did to him.
Once I started down that rabbit hole, things got really dark. If Jeff had really been out to exact some kind of revenge on me, I had to question everything. My mind kept going back to the Fran thing. I didn’t know what was real and what wasn’t.
I hated feeling like I was being lied to. I hated not being able to trust him. I wanted to trust him. I liked being able to count on him. Again, the difference between my breakup with Todd was that during the last few years of our relationship, I didn’t trust him. I knew damn well what he was doing, and I didn’t truly love him. I loved the idea of him, and I loved the idea of what we could become if he somehow had a miraculous change of heart.
I loved Jeff. I still loved him. This was going to break me. I just knew it. I let myself love and trust and it bit me in the ass.
The love I had for Jeff came from somewhere very real. He saw me at my worst and he still kept coming around. I knew he wasn’t wealthy or someone from my social circle and I didn’t care. With Todd, it was all about picking the right guy that would impress my friends and my parents. I needed to be popular. With Jeff, I just needed him for who he was.
“But he wasn’t who you thought he was, was he?”
I threw off the blankets and stumbled into the shower. I could at least wash the stink off. I wasn’t going to do much more than that, though. As soon as my shower was over, I crawled right back into bed and totally defeated the
purpose of my shower.
It was three days later that I finally began to feel human again. I made a cup of coffee and went outside to sit by the pool. The sun felt good on my skin. I’d been living in my room for days without any sunshine. My body soaked it up, infusing me with energy.
“There you are,” my mother said.
I let out a sigh and kept my dark sunglasses in place. “Here I am.”
“I’m glad to see you’ve made it out of your bedroom.”
“Me too.”
“Why don’t we go shopping? You could use some new clothes.”
“I don’t want to go shopping.”
“We could grab some lunch.”
“No thanks.”
“Alora, you need to do something. Why not go for a run or a swim? You haven’t been to the gym in almost a week.”
“I don’t need your fat-shaming today mother.”
“Oh stop. No one is fat-shaming you. It’s time this pity party for one comes to an end. It’s been long enough.”
“Because you said so?” I snapped.
“As a matter of fact, yes. Someone needs to say so. You made such good progress at the gym. You don’t want to lose it.”
“I don’t care if I do. I’m not going to the gym.”
I heard her sit down in the chair next to mine. This was going to be a long lecture. I was really, really not in the mood for it. “You have to get up and get moving. Exercise releases endorphins. Don’t you want to feel good?”
“Actually, no I don’t. I’m enjoying my misery, and unlike the saying, my misery does not want company.”
“Your misery needs to be bitch-slapped.”
I sat up, pushing my sunglasses to the top of my head. “Mom!”
She gave me her prim and proper look. “It’s true. You can’t let yourself sink into another depression.”
“I’m fine, Mom. I just want to be miserable for a while.”
“I hate seeing you suffer. It was so good to see the old Alora back. You smiled and laughed and you were absolutely glowing.”
“I’m sorry to make you feel bad. I know you think to be happy I must be skinny or busting my ass to get skinny. I’m happy being sad. That’s my new thing. I’ll apologize now if my weight offends you. I’ll do my best not to turn into the girl who looks like she just ate Tucson. I’ll go into hiding if things get out of control.”
“Enough! I have had enough of your snide remarks and your horrible attitude. I have done nothing but encourage you to do better for yourself.”
“You’ve encouraged me to get skinny because you think that’s the only way to be happy.”
“No, you thought it was the only way you could be happy. When you came back home, all you could talk about was how ugly you felt and why Todd dumped you. When I see a problem, I want to fix it. When I see my daughter suffering, I want to help her find a solution. You had it in your mind that you had to be Todd’s version of a dream girl. I wanted to help you get there. I was going for strong and supportive. I’m guessing by your recent attitude toward me, I missed my mark.”
“Gee, you think? You came off as condescending and ashamed.”
“I could never be ashamed of you. You are my little girl. I hate that you feel so low. I want to help you. I wanted you to get back to a place where you felt pretty. I don’t care what size it is. I’m taking your cues on the matter. A couple of weeks ago, you were happier than I’ve seen you in a long time. I assumed you were happy because you felt good about the way you looked. I want to encourage you to get back to that point.”
“It wasn’t about the way I looked, it was about the way I felt,” I explained. I softened my retort. I was taking my anger and frustration out on her and she really didn’t deserve it. “You and Dad have been on a mission to make me lose weight. Every conversation was about me working out or what I was eating. I assumed you guys were disgusted with the person I became and were trying to fix it.”
“Oh, that could not be further from the truth. We were so worried about you. We didn’t know how to help. You wouldn’t talk to us. We felt helpless. Your father and I thought the gym would be a good start. You know I love yoga and walking. I love it because it makes me feel good. I wanted you to have that same feeling. I’m truly sorry if I made you feel like I was judging you.”
Now I felt guilty all over again. I was getting a very clear view of the way I’d been treating people in my life and I didn’t like it. “It wasn’t you guys. I guess I wanted to be mad at someone and you guys were easy targets.”
She smiled and reached over to pat my knee. “You’re just lucky you’re too old to put in a timeout. Although I think with your recent state of mind, a more suitable punishment would have been to force you to attend a party.”
I smirked. “That would have definitely been a punishment.”
“I only want the best for you. I hate to see you suffer. I thought you wanted Todd back, which is the only reason I encouraged him to come over. I never really cared for the guy, but you were so crazy about him, we thought it was better to like him and keep you than to tell you to stay away and lose you.”
“Todd is an asshole, Mom. A real asshole. Never encourage me to go back to him. No matter how much I beg, do not let me go back to him.”
“Deal.”
“Thanks.”
“What’s got you down? Your father mentioned you were having some problems with the manager at the gym. Did she do something?”
“No. She tried, but I put her in her place. It wasn’t Fran. At least I hope it wasn’t Fran.”
“Then what is it? I’m sorry. I’m a fixer. You don’t have to tell me.”
I smiled. “I wish you could fix this, but I broke it pretty damn good. I was seeing someone, but we aren’t anymore.”
“Can’t you change your mind? That is a woman’s prerogative.”
“I don’t think I can. I’m not sure I want to. I don’t want to ever feel like this again, and I’m afraid if I love someone like this again, I will hurt again.”
“That’s part of life. You love, you get hurt, and then you love again.”
She made it sound so simple. “Maybe, but I’m not ready to do it all over again. I’m going to sulk a bit longer.”
“The longer you sulk, the worse it is going to be. I say this out of love and not because I care what size you are. Go for a run. Get some exercise. It’s a beautiful day. Running will give you some time to clear your head. If you sit around here beating yourself up, you are never going to be able to see the light at the end of the tunnel. You have to get up and move. You’ll see it gets better.”
I felt the pull. I wanted to feel better. I felt sluggish with no exercise the last couple of days. I wanted to get my heart pumping and feel that rush. “I’ll do it,” I said.
She smiled and stood. “Good. I promise you will feel better. Maybe you can go to my yoga studio with me later. It’s a bunch of old ladies stretching our bodies into vulgar poses, but it works.”
“I’d like that.”
Her face lit up. “Really? Great! I’ll call the studio and let them know I’m bringing a guest today.”
Chapter 37
Jeff
I closed the file on the computer screen after entering the latest results from the client. I had been trying to throw myself into my work. I took on extra clients and was spending all my free time working out myself. I had to keep busy or I was going to lose my mind. I spent twelve hours a day at the gym, hoping to catch a glimpse of Alora.
Unfortunately, she seemed to have quit the gym. She wasn’t coming back and that was my fault. I hated to think she was going to lose all the progress she made because of me. I didn’t want her to fall back into that low self-esteem pattern she’d been in when we first met. Well, first met for the second time, I corrected.
I was struggling to get my mind around the fact I would never get to kiss her again. I would never get to hold her in my arms as we fell asleep after a rowdy round of lovemaking. I wasn’t
going to see her smile or the red stain on her cheeks after a grueling workout.
I’d had her in my life for such a short time. It didn’t feel fair. I was convinced I deserved more. Unfortunately, she wasn’t. She tossed me to the side faster than I could say boo. I wasn’t really surprised. After all, it had been the outcome of more than one of my hypothetical scenarios. It just sucked actually having to live through it.
I heard footsteps coming down the hall and hoped to hell it wasn’t Fran. I could not deal with the woman right now. She’d been in my face all week, not trying to hit on me but riding my ass and trying to catch me in a mistake. I knew what she was doing. She wanted me to quit or she wanted to find a reason to fire me. I wasn’t going to do either. Not yet. I wouldn’t give her the satisfaction.
“Told you,” Bunny said as she walked into my office.
ERock was right behind her. “You were right.”
“Right about what?” I asked.
“She said you would be in here hours after you were off.”
“So? I do it all the time.”
“You do it all the time now,” Bunny corrected. “All the time now that you and Alora aren’t hooking up.”
“Thanks for clearing that up for me,” I grumbled.
“You have to do something to fix this,” ERock said.
I shot him a dirty look. “I have to do something? You’re the one that fucked it up.”
“You could have told her.”
“But I didn’t and now it doesn’t matter.”
“Come on, you can’t let her go without a fight,” he said.
I pointed a finger at him. “You are about the last person on this planet I am going to take advice from. You got me into this mess.”
“How? I told you to be friends with her. If you would have done it my way, you would have eventually talked about your childhoods and she would have known who you were.”
“You said that was a test! You are the shittiest life coach I have ever met.”
