The 12 Christmases of You & Me

by Jennifer Joyce

  ‘I’d better get them home.’ Lily sounds reluctant, but her little sister needs her bed and her grandfather needs to be in a place where there are fewer people to wave his walking stick at.

  ‘Come back to ours, just for a minute.’ Mum puts her arm around Lily’s shoulders and guides her out of the pub as Dad scoops Karina up into his arms and Jonas and Tiffany encourage Alfred out of his seat. ‘We’ve got one last present for you. It isn’t a big gift. Just a gesture, really.’

  Back at our house, Mum presses a slim booklet into Lily’s hand. ‘We’ve spoken to your mum and she’s fine with it all. Over the moon, actually. She cried.’ Mum places a hand on Lily’s arm. ‘Happy tears, don’t worry.’

  ‘What is it?’ Lily’s flicking through the booklet, her forehead lined as she tries to comprehend what she’s holding. I remember this gift and what it meant to Lily, and I have to take deep, even breaths to ward off my own happy tears.

  ‘It’s a book of vouchers.’ Mum gives a wave of her hand. ‘It’s a bit gimmicky, I know, but Mick had it made at the printers in town.’

  Lily stops flicking through the booklet and holds it up, facing outwards. ‘They’re childcare vouchers.’ She looks from Mum to Dad and back again. ‘I don’t understand.’

  Mum takes Lily’s hand in hers and gives it a squeeze. ‘It’s our way of saying we want to help out with Karina. We’ve spoken to your mum, like I said, and she’s accepted our offer. We’re going to look after Karina while your mum’s at work – and your grandad, of course. I’ll go over in the mornings to sort out breakfast, and they can come over for their tea, and they can even stay over while your mum’s on a night shift. It isn’t as though we haven’t got the room. Our nest is getting pretty empty now.’

  ‘Are you serious about this?’ Lily’s hands are trembling as she holds out the vouchers.

  ‘Absolutely.’ Dad puts his arm around Lily and gives her a squeeze. ‘You’ve done a marvellous thing, putting your own life on hold like this, but you’re a talented young woman. You need to get out there and fulfil your potential, starting with uni.’

  ‘I can’t believe it.’ Lily holds the vouchers to her chest. They’re not a gimmick at all – they mean the world to her, and she still has the booklet now, stowed away safely in a box at the bottom of her wardrobe with other precious mementos. ‘I don’t know what to say. How to thank you.’

  ‘You don’t have to say or do anything at all.’ Mum gently cups Lily’s cheeks with her hands. ‘Just work hard and do us proud.’

  Lily throws her arms around Mum and although she’s sneaky about it, I see her wiping her eyes dry. Not that I blame her – I’ve got a lump in my throat the size of the iceberg that brought the Titanic down.

  ‘We need a photo to commemorate the moment.’ Dad dashes off, returning with his camera. Mum groans, but she poses alongside Lily and Dad while I do the honours.

  ‘Let’s have one with the whole family.’ Mum dabs at her cheeks with a tissue. ‘It’s the first chance we’ve had in months.’

  Jonas offers to take the photo and Mum, Dad, Tina, Kurt and I pose in front of the Christmas tree. I know it’s going to happen even before the flash burns my retinas. One second I’ve got my arm slung around my little brother, the next my arms are wrapped around my hot water bottle. 1998 is once again in the past and I’m back in the present.

  TWENTY-THREE

  Lily’s late for her dress fitting again, but at least I’m not the only one on the receiving end of Laura’s nervy glances this time. As it’s Lily’s final fitting and the last chance to see her in her gown before the Big Day, all the bridesmaids have gathered in Clementine’s Bridalwear, so Annabelle’s with me (sort of. She hasn’t looked up from her phone since she plonked herself in the gold and pink chair), along with Karina and Anya, who are gliding past the rows of stunning gowns, gasping with delight every three-and-a-half seconds or so.

  The door swings open and Lily rushes in, smoothing down her hair, which has been whipped up into a frenzy by the wind that’s been blowing a gale all afternoon. Laura’s shoulders visibly relax and she beams as she steps out from behind her little counter.

  ‘Sorry I’m late.’ Lily nudges the door shut with her foot and starts to unzip her coat. ‘I had an unexpected appointment with the doctor.’

  Karina gasps for the hundredth time since we arrived at the boutique, but this time it isn’t because she’s fallen in love with a dress. ‘Are you pregnant?’

  Lily shrugs off her coat and hands it to Laura, who whisks it away. ‘Will you stop asking me that? I swear, that’s been the first thing out of your mouth every time I’ve seen you since I announced my engagement, and it’s getting old. I am not pregnant and I’m not trying to be either. You’re as bad as Mum.’

  Karina folds her arms across her chest. ‘One of us should start having babies, and it isn’t going to be me. I haven’t even been on a date since Harvey dumped me. Bastard.’

  I decide to move the conversation on before we have to hear all about Karina’s cruel ex. Again. ‘What were you at the doctor’s for? Nothing serious, I hope?’

  Lily’s smile is slow-forming but wicked. ‘Let’s just say I had a thorough examination and I was very pleased with the results.’

  ‘Eww.’ Anya lets the fabric of the dress she was assessing slip away from her fingers as she turns sharply towards Lily. ‘Are you talking about having sex with my dad?’

  Lily holds her hands up, the wicked grin still firmly in place. ‘I never said that.’

  ‘But that’s what you meant.’ Anya shudders. ‘Gross.’

  ‘Sorry.’ Lily doesn’t look sorry. She’s still grinning. And glowing. I recognise that radiance, though I haven’t experienced it myself for a long time. Too long, I’m starting to realise.

  Is it wrong to be really, really jealous of your best friend, if only for a fleeting moment?

  ‘Ms Davis?’ Laura’s choice of words reminds me of Tiffany and her ‘would you like a glass of wine, Mrs Davis?’ during my latest time-travel adventure, but I push the thought away. I thought about looking Tiffany up on Facebook earlier but decided against it in the end. ‘Would you like to come this way?’

  Lily claps her hands, her grin spreading into a full-on beam. ‘I would love to.’ She scurries across the shop towards Laura. ‘Is there any fizz on the go?’

  I check on Annabelle while Lily’s getting changed, but she waves me away, her eyes never leaving her phone’s screen. Bloody things should be banned.

  ‘How’s uni going?’ I leave Annabelle to it and join Anya and Karina at the racks of wedding dresses instead.

  ‘Good, thanks.’ Anya unhooks one of the dresses from the rail and holds it against her body. ‘It took me a while to settle in – it was so weird being away from Mum and Dad and everything – but I’ve sort of got used to it now and I have some great housemates. I’m bringing one of them to the wedding. He’ll be coming up a few days before so I can show him around and stuff.’

  I try not to be that older relative who nudges you and asks if the male ‘friend’ you’ve casually mentioned is your boyfriend.

  But I fail and Anya justifiably rolls her eyes.

  ‘We’re just friends. Men and women can be friends without it getting sexual, you know.’

  I do know. I’m living proof of it, even if an image pops into my head that I have to mentally elbow away. That would be wrong. Very, very wrong.

  ‘Prosecco to celebrate the occasion?’ Laura glides back into the room with a tray of drinks, which she offers to us in turn.

  ‘Don’t even think about it.’ I step in as Annabelle finally tears her eyes away from her phone so she can take one of the glasses.

  ‘You’re so embarrassing.’ Annabelle slumps back in her seat with a heavy sigh and jabs angrily at her screen, no doubt slagging me off to her friends. I know that she’ll drink alcohol at some point – probably underage, and maybe it’s already started – but that doesn’t mean I’ll condone it, even though I di
d the same at her age (raiding Alfred’s drinks cabinet was a regular pastime in my mid-teens, and most of the money I made waitressing at Val’s went straight into the till at the Star).

  ‘What do you think, guys?’ Lily floats back into the shop, draped in the white, fairy-tale gown. Although I’ve seen the dress before, I can’t help my eyes from swimming as she walks carefully towards us. The dress looks even more stunning without the pins, and I’ve honestly never seen my best friend looking so content. I could burst with pride as she performs a twirl. I have to dab at my eyes with a tissue, which have been conveniently left on a little side table, just like the readily available box in my office.

  ‘You look…’ Karina shakes her head, unable to find the words to describe her sister. ‘You look…’

  ‘Super-duper hot?’ Lily places a hand on her hip. ‘Yeah, I know.’

  Karina pulls Lily into a hug, squeezing her tight. ‘You look like the angel on top of Mum’s tree.’

  Lily pushes her sister away, but keeps her hands resting on Karina’s shoulders. ‘Er, that thing’s about a million years old and dusty as heck.’

  ‘Shut up.’ Karina shakes her head and sighs before pulling Lily in tight again. ‘You look beautiful.’

  ‘You really do.’ Anya joins in the hug, draping her arms around Lily and Karina. ‘Dad’s going to be gobsmacked when he sees you.’

  ‘Can you believe I’m finally going to be marrying the love of my life?’ Lily breaks away from the hug and smooths down her dress. ‘And if it can happen to me, it can happen to anyone.’ Lily catches my eye but I look away. ‘I just wish some people would realise that.’

  ‘I meant what I said earlier.’

  We’re in Lily’s living room, a little bit worse for wear after making the most of the Prosecco on offer at the bridalwear shop. Annabelle’s escaped to Rosie’s for the rest of the afternoon, Karina’s had to dash off to work, and Anya’s catching up with some old school friends so we have the house to ourselves. Lily’s sprawled out across her sofa, mince-pie crumbs scattered across her jumper (you wouldn’t think that less than an hour ago she was dressed like Cinderella stepping out of her pumpkin carriage) while I’m by the mantelpiece, gazing down at the Santa photo in my hand. There I am, perched on Santa’s lap, Lily beside me and Jonas crouched in front.

  ‘If I can marry the love of my life, you can too.’ Lily struggles into a sitting position and brushes the crumbs from her top. ‘It isn’t too late, you know. It’s never too late.’

  ‘I’d have to find someone first.’ I place the photo back on the mantelpiece, taking one last look at our youthful faces before I flop next to Lily on the sofa.

  ‘You’ve already found someone.’ Lily takes my hand clumsily in hers. ‘And you know he loves you.’

  ‘You’re not still banging on about me fancying Aaron, are you?’ I nudge Lily and smirk to mask my embarrassment, but she doesn’t take the bait. She simply watches me with sad, pitying eyes. In the end, the discomfort of her scrutiny becomes too much and I’m forced to speak, to break the silence if nothing else.

  ‘How’s the musical coming along?’

  ‘Great, I think.’ She presses her lips together into a thin line and places a hand on her stomach. ‘It’s so close, isn’t it?’

  ‘Have you been practising those calming breaths for the wedding? Because they’ll come in handy if you’re feeling anxious about the performance.’ I take in a deep breath and hold it to demonstrate before releasing it slowly. Lily copies me and I smile encouragingly.

  ‘I was hoping Jonas would make it, but he can’t fly over until the day before the wedding.’ Lily’s feeling calm enough to pop the last piece of mince pie into her mouth. ‘So he’s going to miss the hen party as well.’

  ‘You invited him to your hen party?’

  Lily raises her right shoulder in a small shrug. ‘Of course. He’s my bezzie mate. Why wouldn’t I?’

  ‘I guess.’ I take a calming breath to release the knot in my stomach.

  ‘You okay?’

  I nod while taking my second deep breath. I’m not okay. I’m anxious about coming face to face with present-day Jonas. While part of me is excited about seeing him again, I’m also terrified. It feels like meeting up with Joanne and Donna again and realising I’d drifted too far apart from my childhood friends. What if Lily’s wedding is the day I finally accept that my friendship with Jonas can never be fixed?

  ‘You’re worried about seeing Jonas.’ Lily squeezes my hand a bit too hard. I try to wriggle free but she clings on. ‘I don’t know exactly what went on between you, why it all went tits up, because the pair of you refuse to talk about it, but I know how much he cares about you. He always has and he always will, no matter what.’

  I shake my head again, swallowing hard against the lump in my throat. ‘If that’s true, why has he ignored my texts?’

  Texts, plural, because I couldn’t stop myself sending a couple more, even though the original has gone unanswered. I miss Jonas, and these snatched moments with him aren’t enough. I need my best friend back in my life, but I can’t force it if the feeling isn’t reciprocated.

  ‘Show me.’

  I’m reluctant to hand my phone over, but Lily leaves me little choice and snatches it from my hand. Frowning at the message – did I say too much? Not enough? – she reaches for her own phone and scrolls through her contacts. For one horrible moment, I think she’s going to phone him. I don’t want that. The cold shoulder is hard enough to take; I don’t want Jonas to confirm that he wants nothing more to do with me.

  ‘That’s his old number, you numpty.’ Lily sighs as she tosses my phone onto my lap. ‘No wonder he hasn’t replied.’

  ‘He has a new number?’ Hope bubbles up in my chest, expanding until I have to press a hand against my breastbone to ease the discomfort.

  ‘He changed it about six months ago. I gave it to you.’ Lily bites her lip. ‘Didn’t I?’

  ‘No, you didn’t.’ I feel dizzy. It might be the Prosecco, but it’s more likely because I’m on the brink of hyperventilating. Jonas hasn’t ignored my texts. I reached out to him after all this time but he doesn’t know it. If he did, things might be different. He might want to be my friend again.

  ‘Soz. I’ll send it over now.’

  My phone pings with a message from Lily. Jonas’s new phone number is there in front of me.

  ‘Did he ask you to pass it on to me?’ My finger hovers over the save contact button but I don’t tap it yet.

  ‘He’d want you to have it.’

  Which means no.

  ‘Do you mind if I have the last one?’ Lily reaches for the plate of mince pies on the coffee table and I shake my head as I tap the trash can icon on my phone. Message deleted.

  Jonas has my number; if he’d wanted me to have his, he’d have passed it on personally. I was a fool to think things could be any different.

  TWENTY-FOUR

  ‘… and they say planes are just going to drop from the sky. Can you imagine it? It’s bad enough if a bird craps on your shoulder – I don’t want to get squished by a bloody great big plane landing on my head.’

  It’s cold. Really cold, with a biting wind that takes my breath away and makes the end of my nose tingle. My hands are shoved deep into my coat pockets and I feel a tightness around my forehead that I recognise as a bobble hat pulled down low. I can hear Lily babbling over the cheery sound of a brass band playing ‘It’s the Most Wonderful Time of the Year’, and when I open my eyes I see a station platform and train tracks below it. I’m no longer surprised to find myself out of my warm, cosy bed when I wake up.

  ‘And it isn’t just software malfunctioning that we should be worried about. It’s anything with a computer chip. Medical equipment and lifts and … stuff. What if we’re in a lift on, like, the seventeenth floor, and it just plummets to the ground?’ Lily claps her hands so loudly, it makes me jump. ‘We’d be dead meat, mate.’

  ‘Gruesome.’ I peer down the tracks, b
ut there isn’t a train approaching. I don’t even know where we’re going.

  ‘I know, right?’ Lily pulls a face. ‘We’d have to be scraped off the walls. I’m not going near a lift on New Year’s Eve.’ She tucks her hands under her armpits and jiggles about to ward off the cold. ‘Grandad thinks the Millennium bug is like the flu, bless him.’ She smiles fondly while a lightbulb pings above my head. The Millennium bug, of course. That’s why Lily’s going on about plummeting lifts and planes falling out of the sky. It must be 1999, which means … what? Where did we go at Christmas in 1999?

  ‘Oh!’ Lily grabs my arm suddenly, her eyes shining. ‘Guess who I bumped into at the Farthing yesterday?’

  I open my mouth to respond, but Lily doesn’t give me the chance to get so much as a syllable out. ‘Aaron Dean. He’s working there now. Dropped out of uni so he can pay for his kid. He’s still pretty fit, you know. And he’s not with the kid’s mum any more.’ Lily nudges me. ‘He’s single.’ She raises her eyebrows at me while I perform a massive eye-roll.

  ‘I thought you’d stopped with the matchmaking stuff?’

  ‘I did, for a while.’ Lily shrugs. ‘But he’s not with whatsherface any more and you’re gathering dust up there on the shelf.’

  ‘My love life isn’t that bad.’ Not like it is in the present, where my love life is as antiquated as an original mahogany telephone table in an Ikea showroom. ‘And I like being single. I can do what I want, when I want. There’s loads of time for settling down.’

  That’s what I told myself back then. What I still tell myself when I’m really, really drunk.

  ‘Maisie.’ Lily places her hands on my shoulders and holds my gaze, her eyes serious. ‘We’re nearly twenty.’

  I laugh, right in her face. I can’t help it. Nearly twenty. Oh, but that’s hilarious.