The 12 Christmases of You & Me

by Jennifer Joyce

  It takes me an age to drive home, due to heavy traffic. It seems I’ve hopped back to the last Friday before Christmas so everyone’s keen to make their way home and let the festivities begin. I eventually pull up outside Mum and Dad’s and wriggle out of the car. Honestly, my bump isn’t even close to its eye-watering limit yet, so I’m not sure how I coped towards the end, when seeing my feet was a memory from the distant past and breathing easily without a pair of feet pushing up into my ribs was a luxury.

  ‘Maisie.’ Mum looks taken aback when I waddle into the living room and collapse onto the sofa, not even bothering to take my coat off. ‘What a lovely surprise. I wasn’t expecting you until Sunday.’

  I sit up straight. Or as straight as I can with the bump restricting me.

  I don’t live here any more. I live with Jonathan, in a flat across town, a five-minute drive away from work. I’ve lived there for two years, on my own at first, with Jonathan moving in shortly after we found out about the pregnancy.

  ‘I, er, just thought I’d pop in.’

  Mum smiles and pats me on the knee. ‘Lovely. Your dad won’t be back until late – he’s gone out for the annual Christmas booze-up – so it’ll be nice to have a bit of company. I’ll put the kettle on. Are you still on the peppermint tea?’

  My stomach churns at the thought. I hate peppermint tea, but I was convinced it helped with the nausea. I wonder if I’ll chuck if I have a cup of good old Yorkshire tea?

  ‘I’ll just have a glass of water, please.’ Better safe than sorry.

  ‘Still feeling icky?’ Mum looks sympathetic. ‘I was the same with you and Tina, though I felt absolutely fine with Kurt. No sickness at all from day one. Hey, maybe you’re having a girl.’

  We hadn’t found out the sex of the baby beforehand. I’d wanted a surprise and Jonathan hadn’t been fussed either way – and not in a ‘as long as it’s healthy’ kind of way. He simply couldn’t muster up any enthusiasm for the pregnancy. It should have been a clue as to the kind of father he’d turn out to be, but I’d been blind to it back then.

  ‘I’m not long off the phone to Kurt. They can’t make it over Christmas after all.’ Mum passes me a glass of water and sits down next to me with her cup of tea. ‘It’s Lorena’s grandma – her avó.’ Mum gives a smug nod at the use of the Portuguese word she’s learned. ‘She’s really poorly, so they’ve decided to stay there.’ Mum leans in and lowers her voice. ‘They’re not sure she’ll make it to the new year.’

  ‘That’s a shame.’ I gaze longingly at Mum’s cup of tea. Either I’m getting a craving I never experienced first time round or I’m in desperate need of a brew.

  ‘I’ll send them your love.’ Mum pats my knee. ‘Tina and Mabel will be here though, which’ll be nice, and next year will be extra-special because we’ll all be here, including this little one.’ Mum places a hand on my bump and smiles at me, radiating joy.

  Things have really changed over the past five years for Mum. All her children have flown the nest – I moved into my little flat and although Tina moved out years ago, she flew a bit further away to London, though not as far as Kurt, who followed Lorena back to Portugal once she finished her studies – and now she’s about to become a grandma for the first time.

  ‘Are you okay, love?’ Mum’s hand moves from my bump to my cheek, her touch gentle. ‘You look worn out. You need to take it easy. Let Jonathan look after you.’

  I almost snort at the notion of Jonathan looking after anybody but himself, but I manage to stop myself. My phone ringing in my handbag distracts us both. Lily’s name is on the screen, and in typical Lily style she doesn’t let me greet her before she speaks.

  ‘Where are you? We’re waiting for you. You said you had an early finish today. I gave up a piss-up to be here – do you realise how important that Christmas piss-up is for teachers? We survived a whole term – so what’s your excuse?’

  My excuse is that I have no idea what she’s talking about. I have no idea where I’m supposed to be or who, other than Lily, is waiting for me.

  ‘Baby brain?’ It’s the only excuse I have that won’t make me sound insane.

  ‘Baby brain! Did you hear that, Jonas? She isn’t here because of baby brain. I swear she uses that excuse for everything. I should get knocked up, just so I can have a reason to be flaky too. You busy tonight, Jonas, because we all know William isn’t up for the job of impregnating me right now.’

  Lily’s with Jonas, and I’m supposed to be there too. Of course! It’s 2006, the year Jonas finally came back from Japan. We talked all the time during the time he was away – weekly phone calls, always on a Saturday at noon (9 p.m. for Jonas) and daily emails – but this was the first time we’d been in the same country for five years.

  ‘I’m so sorry. I’ll be right over.’ I don’t waste time saying goodbye. I flip my phone closed and shuffle off the sofa, explaining what’s happening to Mum as I dump my glass of water on the coffee table and chuck my phone into my bag.

  ‘Give that boy a big kiss from me,’ Mum calls after me as I half-waddle, half-run out of the door. Luckily, I don’t have far to go as we’re meeting next door.

  ‘That was quick.’ Lily doesn’t sound happy to see me so soon, despite chewing my ear off for being late. She looks more bothered about what may be happening behind me as she cranes her neck to look around me.

  ‘I thought you were the pizza. I’m starving.’

  ‘I was at Mum’s.’ I squeeze past Lily and leave her to keep watch at the door as I hurry into the living room, my heart hammering even before I see him. It drums out a painfully rapid beat when he looks up from the sofa and his eyes widen in alarm as I drop into his lap, totally forgetting I’ve doubled in size since the last time we saw each other.

  ‘Oof.’ Jonas laughs as I squeeze him tight. ‘It’s good to see you too.’

  I should let go, but I don’t. I want to hold on to him forever, to pretend he hasn’t returned to England for another woman so I can live in blissful ignorance. That isn’t too much to ask, right?

  ‘Grub’s up.’ Lily strides into the living room, brandishing a pizza box and a carrier bag of drinks. I slide off Jonas’s lap as she opens the box and grabs a slice, closing her eyes as she sinks her teeth in.

  ‘Ow. Shitting hell, that’s hot.’ Her eyes are wide open now as she attempts to remove the stringy, molten cheese from her chin.

  ‘You don’t change, do you, Lily-Bobs?’ Jonas smiles fondly at her as Lily blows on the pizza before attempting another bite.

  ‘Would you want me to?’ she asks through a mouthful of pizza.

  Jonas shakes his head. ‘Absolutely not.’ He places his arm around my shoulders and presses me against the familiar leather jacket. It’s cracked and even more worn than it used to be, but it still smells exactly the same. ‘You, on the other hand, have quite clearly changed a lot while I’ve been away. Look at you. I can’t believe you’re going to be a mum.’ He presses a kiss to my cheek before releasing me and reaching for a slice of pizza.

  ‘Meanwhile, I’m still in the same situation I was when you left.’ Lily bites aggressively into her pizza.

  ‘That isn’t true.’ Jonas settles back down on the sofa. ‘You’re a qualified teacher now, working at our old school. How mad is that?’

  ‘But I’m back living with my mum and my teenage sister, which is a nightmare, FYI.’ Lily slumps on the other end of the sofa.

  ‘Things still not great with William?’ Jonas picks a slice of pepperoni from his pizza and pops it into his mouth.

  ‘Nope.’ Lily bites off another mouthful of pizza. ‘I shouldn’t have gone back to him after the last time, but I love him and he’s promised to stay clean this time.’ She swallows the pizza with a grimace. ‘I bet he’s out on the sniff right now. A Christmas present to himself. Paid for using my money.’

  ‘He still hasn’t got a job then?’

  Lily gives Jonas a funny look. ‘Would you want to employ a struck-off doctor with an off-the-sc
ale coke habit? He’s been in and out of rehab more times than I’ve had hot dinners. Nobody wants to touch him. I don’t want to touch him most days. Why do I have to love him so much?’ She groans as she tugs off a chunk of her pizza crust with her teeth. ‘Anyway, eat up and then we can go and get trollied at the pub. Some of us, anyway.’ She shrugs apologetically at me before grabbing a can of coke from the plastic bag and chucking it my way.

  THIRTY-THREE

  ‘I’ll finally get to meet Jonathan.’ We’re walking to the Farthing after demolishing the pizza when Jonas nudges me playfully. ‘I can’t believe I haven’t met him yet. This bloke’s such a massive part of your life, and I haven’t even met him.’

  ‘That’s because you bogged off to Japan for five years and didn’t bother coming back for a visit.’ Lily is as tactful as ever, and she doesn’t even soften her words with a cheeky smile to show she’s joking.

  ‘I was busy.’ Jonas shrugs, catching my eye briefly before looking ahead. ‘Work and stuff.’

  ‘Too busy for your friends, eh?’ Lily shakes her head and gives Jonas a mock-disapproving look. ‘You’ve changed. We used to be the most important people in your life. Even more important than your girlfriends.’ She gasps, her eyes wide as she grabs hold of my arm. ‘I’ve just remembered! You’ll never guess who’s announced they’ve got a girlfriend?’ She looks at Jonas and me in turn, a mixture of amusement and horror on her face. ‘My grandad! How sweet, and slightly gross, is that? She’s called Ethel, and yes, she is as ancient as she sounds. Half-deaf, cloudy-eyed and most of her body parts are artificial – hips, knees, teeth. I swear she wears a wig as well. A really bad one. But she makes Grandad happy, which is a bloody miracle, if you ask me. They watch telly all day and slag off the other residents in the nursing home. A match made in Heaven’s waiting room.’

  ‘Lily.’ I’ve known and loved my best friend for over a quarter of a century, yet she still has the ability to shock me.

  ‘What? It’s true.’ She shrugs before pushing the pub door open. Our ears are assaulted by the sound of someone in abject pain. ‘Cool, karaoke night. Shall I put our names down?’

  Jonas and I manage to wrestle the pen from Lily’s hand before she signs us up for a round of humiliation, and we settle down in a corner by the fruit machine to watch her entertain the pub with an over-enthusiastic rendition of ‘Jingle Bell Rock’. She’s breathless and clutching her side by the time she joins us, holding her pint against her clammy forehead before downing half of it in one go.

  ‘That was epic.’ Lily slams the glass down on the table and swipes her mouth with the back of her hand. ‘I’m putting my name down again. Are you sure you don’t want a go? We could do a duet. “Baby, It’s Cold Outside”?’

  Jonas and I shake our heads firmly and Lily goes off with a shrug. She’s on her third song – a fists-clenched, eyes-closed-to-really-feel-the-emotion ‘Stay Another Day’ – when Aaron drops down onto her vacant stool. He gestures behind him, wincing.

  ‘She hasn’t improved much since that awful solo back at school, has she?’ He smirks at the memory and claps Jonas on the shoulder. ‘I didn’t know you were back in Woodgate. Home for Christmas?’

  ‘Nope. I’m back in the country for good.’ Jonas wipes the condensation from his pint glass, studiously avoiding eye contact with me. With hindsight, I know how carefully he’s worded his answer. ‘How are you getting on? I heard you were back at uni.’

  Aaron twists on his stool and points out his family sitting at a table by the fire. His mum and dad, his partner, and a tiny Anya dressed in a velvet dress, shiny black shoes and plaited pigtails.

  ‘The little one’s at school now, and my parents are helping out with childcare. It feels like I’ve finally got my life back on track.’

  ‘That’s good. What is it you’re doing?’

  ‘Medicine.’

  Jonas sucks in a breath. ‘Tough, but best of luck to you.’ He lifts his pint before taking a sip.

  ‘Thanks.’ Aaron stands up and raises a hand in farewell. ‘I’d better get going, but have a great Christmas, yeah?’

  We wish him a merry Christmas and I watch as he heads back to his family, lifting a giggling Anya into the air and twirling her around. It makes me ache to look at the two of them together, knowing Annabelle and her father will never have that sort of relationship. Barely any relationship at all, really.

  Lily bounds over after her East 17 annihilation, swigging the last half of her pint before flinging herself onto her stool. ‘Whose round is it?’

  ‘Mine.’ I stand up, careful not to knock the table over with my bump. ‘And then when I get back, Jonas is going to tell us why he’s back in the country.’

  Jonas looks pained when I return to the table with our drinks and Lily’s packet of crisps. We already know the story of how Jonas and Becca bumped into each other during his flight to Japan five years ago. Becca was going to Japan as a post-Christmas break and although she was only there for a week, she and Jonas spent a lot of that time together. They’d kept in touch over the years, and Becca had gone over to see Jonas a couple more times and now…

  ‘You’ve fallen in love again?’ Lily shoves a handful of crisps into her mouth.

  ‘Yes, I guess so. Or getting there, at least.’

  ‘Getting there? After Five years?’ Lily shoves another handful of crisps into her mouth. ‘Talk about a slow burn.’

  ‘Anyway.’ Jonas wipes damp crumbs from his jacket. ‘I’m moving down to Kent next week. I’ve got my own flat set up – we don’t want to rush things, even after five years, because we haven’t spent more than two weeks together at a time since uni. We need to ease ourselves back in.’

  Lily gapes at Jonas. ‘You’re moving to Kent? You’ve finally moved back to England and you’re moving to Kent?’

  ‘Just to see how things go with Becca. You never know.’ Jonas lifts one shoulder briefly before dropping it again. ‘It might not work out.’

  It will. Sort of. They’ll get married, which will be the biggest mistake of his life. But if I want to keep Jonas in my life, I have to stand back and let him get on with it … this time.

  ‘What’s she like now?’ Lily licks her fingers. ‘Still stunningly beautiful and perfect?’

  Jonas nods, a grin creeping over his face. ‘Still stunningly beautiful and perfect.’

  It’s like a punch to the stomach.

  ‘Here. Look.’ Jonas pulls his mobile from his pocket and presses a few buttons before passing it to Lily for inspection.

  ‘Wowsers. She’s even more gorgeous than I remember.’ She passes the phone to me, so I can see the photo of a pouting Becca. She’s so beautiful, it feels like I’ve been punched again, but even harder this time.

  ‘Shall we have a photo?’ Lily beckons me and Jonas to her side. She holds the phone out at arm’s length and captures the moment. There isn’t a flash on the phone, so the blinding light is even more of a shock.

  ‘You okay back there?’ Aaron glances behind him briefly. I’m sitting bolt upright in the back of his car, my head pounding and the mulled wine I poured down my neck earlier swilling around in my stomach.

  ‘D’you think we could pull over so I can throw up, please?’

  I haven’t fully recovered by the following evening, after suffering through a full day at work, plus a festive lunch with my colleagues where we exchanged our secret Santa gifts. The snowman posing pouch that the centre’s manager received, clearly from a delighted Freda, created some skull-cracking laughter among the group and I was forced to throw some more paracetamol down my neck instead of a dessert. All I wanted to do after work was crawl into bed and feel sorry for myself, but it’s Lily’s hen night so I’m in the pub waiting for the others to arrive. Anya’s already here, along with a couple of the teachers from Lily’s school, but there are more to come. I’m on my third glass of wine by the time everyone has arrived. I’ll definitely need to slow down and switch to soft drinks when we move on to the club, otherwise
I’ll be putting on a repeat performance of last night’s vomiting into the gutter.

  ‘I can’t believe you’re marrying my dad in a week’s time.’ We’re staggering along the pavement, pink sashes looped across our bodies and plastic willies bobbing on headbands on our heads as we make our way to the club.

  ‘And it’s all down to you.’ Lily drapes her arm around Anya’s shoulder. They lurch sideways. ‘If your dad hadn’t come to your parents’ evening, we wouldn’t have met up for a catch-up drink. And we wouldn’t have become friends and then lovers.’ Lily shrieks with laughter at the face Anya pulls, which is the exact reaction she was aiming for. ‘See, Maisie.’ Lily pauses, giving me the chance to fall into line with them so she can drape her other arm across my shoulders before we set off as a trio. ‘Friends to lovers can work, if you’re brave enough.’

  The question is, am I brave enough? Because I’m not sure I am. All this zipping back in time has dredged up the old feelings I’d thought I’d shelved after Jonathan. Feelings of inadequacy and self-doubt. It took years for me to pick myself up after Jonathan left me and Annabelle, and I’m not sure I could handle that sort of rejection again. Besides, it’s highly unlikely that Jonas has been harbouring feelings for me, the woman who tried to wreck his wedding, so I’m better off focusing on rebuilding my friendship with him, because having him back in my life in any capacity would be enough, surely.

  It has to be.

  Annabelle’s staying at Mum and Dad’s tonight, so I crash at Lily’s place. Literally. I knock over the coat stand in her hallway, trip on the stairs, and it’s only clinging to the basin as I brush my teeth that keeps me upright. I’m not even as drunk as Lily, who nearly kissed the pavement as she tumbled out of the taxi, laddering both knees of her tights and grazing the palms of her hands (‘Am fine. Look, doesn’t hurt.’ Banging her hands together while singing ‘Merry Christmas, Everybody’ at the top of her voice may not have hurt at the time, but her palms will be stinging in the morning and she’ll have some apologising to do to her neighbours). Lily didn’t even make it up the stairs; I left her sprawled out on the sofa, one shoe off, one still on, the ‘Bride-To-Be’ sash twisted across her body and the willy headband slipping down her forehead.