‘It’s an honour.’ Dad pats her hand as the door opens – and then it’s happening. We’re gliding along the aisle towards Lily’s happy-ever-after to a lyrical version of ‘Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas’. I see Aaron turn and see his bride, watch the way his face relaxes before a beam breaks out, and I feel my arms prickle with goosebumps.
Moving aside as we reach Aaron and the best man, I turn my head and see him sitting on the third row. The too-long hair has been trimmed, the scraggly beard has gone and the haunted look has been replaced by a healthy glow. Everybody is looking at the bride and groom. Everybody but Jonas, who’s looking back at me.
THIRTY-NINE
Lily has achieved her dream of a winter wonderland wedding. The room where the reception is being held is swathed in white ribbons and twinkly fairy lights, and there are Christmas trees everywhere. An eight-foot tree adorned with blue, pink and silver baubles stands to the left of the head table while smaller versions line the walls and tiny potted trees act as table centrepieces. There are little boxed mince pie favours and vases filled with baubles and glittery stars, and the wedding cake is decorated with delicate sugar paste snowflakes.
I’m at the top table, but I keep Jonas in sight during the meal, watching as he chats to Mum and Dad, his face creasing up as he laughs at something Dad has said – no doubt one of his terrible cracker jokes. He looks so much better than the last time I saw him, like the old Jonas again. He’s amusing Mum with a tale animated with wild hand gestures now. Whatever he’s been doing in Japan, it looks like it’s had a massive positive impact on him.
Once the meal is over, the tables are cleared and the DJ arrives. The party starts with Mariah Carey, and Lily slings her arm around my shoulders as she leans in to whisper in my ear.
‘Do you remember when you snogged my husband while dancing to this song?’
I groan. ‘You’re never going to let me live that down, are you?’
‘Nope.’ Lily winks at me before grabbing my hand and dragging me onto the dance floor. We have the best time as we fling ourselves around like idiots to old festive favourites – Slade, Wizzard, Paul McCartney, Shakin’ Stevens, Wham!, Dean Martin, The Ronettes. I’m utterly exhausted by the time the Jackson 5 start to warn us about behaving as Christmas nears, so I leave Lily, Anya and Annabelle to it and stagger to the bar for a well-earned drink.
‘You look like you’re having a good time.’ Mum joins me at the table where I’ve just collapsed into a chair to rest my feet. The satin slingbacks are beyond beautiful, but the five-inch heels are taking their toll after all the standing around all day, and the dancing has finished me off. ‘It’s good to see you looking happy again.’
‘What do you mean? I’m always happy.’ I reach down to wedge my finger underneath the buckle of my left shoe, which is starting to rub.
‘No, you’re not.’ Mum reaches out to give my shoulder a squeeze. ‘You haven’t been the same since Jonathan. I know he hurt you, love, and it takes time to trust again, but there are good men out there.’
‘I know.’ My eyes automatically roam the room in search of Jonas. I haven’t seen him since Lily twirled me around during ‘Let It Snow!’ and I spotted him chatting to Steph by the massive Christmas tree.
‘The best man is quite handsome, don’t you think?’
My gaze snaps back to Mum, who’s raising her eyebrows at me.
‘Charlie? No, I do not think so. And please don’t try to play matchmaker.’
Mum lifts her hands up and shakes her head. ‘Wouldn’t dream of it.’
I narrow my eyes at my mother, who’s doing her best to feign innocence, until I can’t resist it any longer and I look for Jonas again. Where is he? Dread fills my stomach. He hasn’t left, has he? Disappeared again before I’ve had a chance to talk to him? I’m such an idiot! Why was I dancing to silly Christmas songs when I should have been trying my best to put things right with Jonas? No matter how hard I look, he’s nowhere to be seen. Steph’s still by the Christmas tree, chatting to a couple of women in giant hats now. Maybe she knows where Jonas went?
I wince as I stand up, my feet screaming out in pain. ‘I need to go and have a quick word with Steph.’
‘Good idea.’ Mum uses the table to ease herself up to her feet. ‘I’ll come with you. It looks like she needs rescuing from Ness and Lorraine. Lovely ladies, really, but they don’t half go on.’
I try to discourage Mum from accompanying me, but she’s already set off and my words are suffocated by the music. I hobble after her, hissing with each step, but I’m accosted by Lily before I make it to Steph.
‘You have to come and dance to this.’ She grins as she looks towards the DJ, and I realise the music has morphed from ‘Rockin’ Around the Christmas Tree’ to a terrible dance version of ‘Santa Baby’. I haven’t heard this version for years. Not since it flopped in the charts and Evie Love was never heard of again.
‘I can’t.’ I dig my heels in, painfully, as Lily attempts to haul me back to the dance floor. ‘My feet are killing me.’
‘Take your shoes off.’ Lily lifts the skirt of her wedding dress up to ankle-height and shows off her bare feet. ‘Come on. Even Aaron and Jonas are dancing.’
Jonas? I peer past Lily and my jaw drops as I see him twirling Anya around. I swear he wasn’t there a moment ago.
Reaching down, I somehow manage to unbuckle my shoes with fumbling fingers, chuck my shoes under the nearest table, and this time I drag Lily to the dance floor. Aaron’s punching the air in time to the frenetic beat, his eyes closed and his face tilted up to the ceiling while Annabelle looks on in horror, no longer dancing, her jaw slack and eyes almost popping out of her skull. Jonas has stopped twirling Anya and is jumping up and down on the spot with the energy of an eight-year-old with a pogo stick. His face is radiating pure joy, his grin wide, eyes sparkling – it’s been a long time since I’ve seen him looking so carefree. He whoops with delight. Although I can’t hear it over the pounding music, I see his mouth move, see his arms fling into the air, and I feel it too – the elation of being here, celebrating Lily’s wedding to my good friend, with everybody I love under the same roof.
Tugging Lily into the middle of the group, I close my eyes and let myself go, not caring if I look like a complete idiot. Annabelle will no doubt want to disown me as I bounce up and down, my fists pumping the air, but I’m happy. I haven’t felt this joyful and light-hearted for a long, long time.
I haven’t managed to speak to Jonas yet, but he’s still here. My eyes automatically follow him wherever he goes. He staggered away from the dance floor after Evie’s terrible song, laughing as he clutched his sides, and made his way to the bar. He ordered a drink as Lily looped her arms around me when ‘Please Come Home for Christmas’ began to play. Utterly exhausted after our frolic on the dance floor, I rested my head on her shoulder as we swayed to the music, watching Jonas take a sip of his pint. I watched as he looked up and caught my eye across the room. He didn’t look away and we only broke eye contact when Lily held my cheeks, moving my face to align with her own, and beamed at me.
‘This has been the best day ever, hasn’t it?’ She kissed me on the forehead before guiding my head back down to her shoulder with a contented sigh. Panic made my stomach tighten when I glanced over at the bar and realised Jonas had gone, but it loosened when I spotted him chatting to Mum and Dad a moment later. He’s still chatting to them now, sitting in the far corner. I’m desperate to talk to him and Lily has finally let me out of her grasp, but I can’t just yet because the dance floor has emptied for Lily and Aaron’s first official dance as a married couple. Everyone gathers around the dance floor and I lose track of Jonas. Mum and Dad are standing with Steph on the opposite side of the dance floor but I can’t see Jonas with them. My eyes trail along the circle of guests but I can’t see him anywhere. He isn’t at the bar, or sitting at any of the tables. I need to find him, to finally have that chat, but I can’t miss Lily and Aaron’s first dance.
‘Who’d have thought they’d end up together, eh?’
I feel Jonas’s breath on my neck as he whispers in my ear. I gasp with surprise and clasp my chest, my hand resting over my thumping heart.
‘It came as a surprise to me, but they’re perfect together.’ Even though Jonas is standing right next to me, I can’t take my eyes off Lily and Aaron as they sway to the music. Aaron takes a step back so he can twirl Lily around, and she throws back her head to laugh as she falls back into his arms.
I want to talk to Jonas about what happened in the past but I’m mesmerised. Lily has finally got her happy ever after, and her obvious happiness is breath-taking.
The music changes to ‘A Spaceman Came Travelling’ and couples start to join the newlyweds on the dance floor. Mum’s gathered a group together to demonstrate a few simple line-dance moves – even Annabelle’s having a go. Fear grips me as Jonas starts to move away. This could be my last chance to put things right. I have to take it.
‘Would you like to dance?’
Jonas smiles, and I spot a few delicate lines at the corners of his eyes that weren’t there the last time I saw him. ‘I think I can manage this one.’ He clutches his side. ‘I’ve only just recovered from that ill-advised dance earlier. I’ve got to remember I’m not twenty-one any more.’ He takes my hand and leads me into the throng, turning to face me when he finds a space. My breath catches when he places his hand on my waist, which is ridiculous as we’ve been much more intimate than this before, and for me it was only days ago.
‘I owe you a massive apology.’
Gently, Jonas tries to shush me, but I have to do this. I should have done this years ago, before our friendship was too strained for either of us to pick up the phone, before our friendship dwindled. ‘I’m sorry, Jonas. For not being a better friend. For trying to stop your wedding.’
Jonas shakes his head, the corners of his lips lifting into a sad smile. ‘You were right about Becca. I shouldn’t have married her. We weren’t right for each other and I think I knew that all along, but I tried to bury my head in the sand. I wanted to be happy with her because I couldn’t be with you.’
‘But you could. I told you I loved you and you married Becca anyway.’
‘You told me you loved me thirty seconds before I took my vows! I couldn’t process it. There you were, the woman I loved, finally saying you felt the same way about me, but my fiancée was outside the church, waiting to marry me. And I did love Becca. Not as much as I loved you, but I couldn’t do that to her.’ He smiles sadly again. ‘Although, if I’d have been able to see into the future, I probably wouldn’t have worried about that so much.’
‘Maybe things would have worked out the same way, even if you did know what the future held.’
Jonas shrugs. ‘I guess we’ll never know.’
Except I do know. I went back and relived all our Christmases together and we still drifted apart. I only hope we haven’t drifted too far, that we can find our way back now.
‘I was so angry with myself, you know. When Becca left, I realised I’d made the biggest mistake of my life in letting you go. It’s taken me a long time to forgive myself. I only hope you’ll be able to forgive me one day too.’
‘Me? Forgive you?’
I’m not sure when we stopped moving to the music, but we’re no longer dancing. We’re still holding each other, but we’re simply standing on the dance floor while those around us enjoy the rhythm of Chris de Burgh’s evocative music. ‘But I’m the one who ruined everything.’
Jonas shakes his head. ‘No, that was down to me. Understandably, Becca didn’t want me to see you after our wedding, but I shouldn’t have let her keep us apart. And then when we got divorced, I was so angry at the choices I’d made and the way I’d cut you out of my life, I left without even trying to explain.’
‘So you weren’t trying to run away from me because you thought I was a shitty friend?’
Jonas frowns. ‘Of course not. You and Lily are the best friends I could ever have. I’ve missed you so much.’
I can’t speak. If I open my mouth, I’ll start to cry. I’ve missed Jonas too and I haven’t always believed that we could heal the rift between us. I need a few calming breaths to settle myself.
‘I’ve missed you, every day. And I truly am sorry for everything that’s happened.’
‘Me too.’ Jonas’s lips quirk into a sad smile. ‘I’d have stayed, you know. That Christmas before I moved to Japan for the first time. I would have stayed to be with you, but I knew you loved Jonathan and wanted to be with him.’
I shake my head, but I can’t explain how untrue that is, so I say nothing.
‘I wouldn’t have bumped into Becca on that flight.’
‘But I wouldn’t have Annabelle if I hadn’t stayed with Jonathan.’
‘That’s true.’ Jonas smiles as he watches Annabelle perform a sequence of steps with Mum, laughing at herself when it goes horribly wrong. ‘I guess life has a funny way of working itself out for the best in the end. Everything that’s happened has brought us here, where we’re supposed to be.’
‘Friends again.’ My chest is almost painful as hope blooms. ‘The best of friends.’
‘If that’s what you want.’ Jonas shrugs. My hope starts to deflate. This is hardly the whole-hearted response I was banking on.
‘But I was kind of hoping it was finally our time. I mean, if Lily-Bobs can live happily ever after with Aaron D, I don’t see why we—’
I don’t let him finish his sentence. I’m on my tiptoes and kissing him before I can talk myself out of it. I’ve lost Jonas twice already – I won’t let it happen again. This Christmas, I will have everything I’ve ever wanted.
FORTY
‘It’s been a while since I’ve spent Christmas here.’ Jonas opens the gate with a flourish, standing aside so Annabelle and I can pass. It’s Christmas morning, almost a week since Lily’s winter wonderland wedding. Jonas was supposed to fly back to Japan three days ago, but he’s still here. With me. I know he’ll have to return in a few days – he has a career in Japan, a life – but I know it’ll only be temporary, and that we’ll talk every single day until he moves back here for good. We’ve wasted too much time being apart already and neither of us wants to squander another minute.
‘Is it still as hectic at the McNamara house on Christmas Day as it used to be?’
I pat Jonas on the arm before ringing the doorbell. ‘It’s even worse, mate. Prepare yourself.’
Mum and Dad’s house is crammed with people. Tina, Mabel and the kids are here, along with Kurt and his latest girlfriend, plus Steph and Karina. Mum’s in her element as she dashes about the place, making sure everyone’s topped up with tea and coffee in between checking on the turkey. I head into the kitchen to help her with the Christmas dinner prep. Although I’ve been in this kitchen so many times over the past few weeks, listening to festive music on the radio while the delicious smells of Christmas fills the air, this is my favourite Christmas by far. Everything feels so right this year.
Jonas and Tina pop in to help out before being shooed away (Tina because she lasts three seconds before she mentions how full her bladder is, even though she’s only just been for a wee, and Jonas because his carrot-peeling skills aren’t up to scratch, apparently). So it’s just me and Mum for a while, pottering about in the kitchen, singing along to cheesy festive hits. I feel a rush of affection for this wonderful woman, and give her a big hug.
‘What’s that for?’ Mum chuckles as she makes little crosses in the bottoms of the sprouts.
‘Just for being you, and for making every Christmas so special.’ I haven’t always appreciated my mum but she’s always been here, supporting me, loving me, and
it gives me comfort to know that, however rocky my relationship is with Annabelle at the moment, we will always have this same unbreakable bond.
Mum pats my arm again. ‘That boy’s already making you happier. I knew he would.’
The kitchen door opens and Tina waddles into the room. ‘You need to come and rescue your boyfriend, Maisie.’ She grins at me as she reaches over to swipe a slice of carrot from the chopping board. ‘Dad’s got the photo albums out and he’s gone way back to our first Christmas here.’
Releasing Mum, I hurry into the living room. Not because I want to rescue Jonas from Dad’s trip down memory lane, but because I want to join them. Everyone is gathered around Dad and the photo album, and we laugh as we reminisce over snapshots of the past.
‘Aww, look how young you all are.’ Mabel puts her arm around Tina and kisses her on the cheek. ‘I remember that top. I bought it for you for Christmas. Probably that Christmas.’
‘I remember that Christmas too.’ There are five of us – me, Kurt, Jonas, Lily and Tina, who’s trying to hide her face with the fake-fur trim of her top – and we’re all squeezed in front of the window on Christmas Day. ‘And it’s a handy reminder that you owe me a tenner, Tina.’
‘For what?’ Tina folds her arms across her chest, above her bump.
I tap my fingers on my chin, a mischievous smile playing at the corners of my mouth. ‘I seem to remember we had a bet that Monica and Chandler would end up together.’
‘Did we?’ Tina frowns. I don’t blame her. Over twenty years have passed since our wager. ‘Fine. Take it from Dad. He owes me a tenner after our bet that you two would end up together.’ She waves a finger between me and Jonas.
‘You what?’
‘We had a bet.’ Tina shrugs. ‘It was obvious you were meant to be together.’
‘Really obvious.’ Steph holds her hands up when I turn to her. ‘What? It was. Just ask Lily. She’s been saying it for years.’
The 12 Christmases of You & Me Page 25
