Polly called every day to update me on her grandson’s progress. She continued to encourage me to fly out to the hospital to meet Second-Miles, to the point of harassment. She told him all about me she said, and he saw the news articles and watched the program. Over and over.
“Miles is doing just wonderfully dear, physical therapy is going well. The doctors expect a full recovery. He is so looking forward to meeting you.”
She had no idea how she twisted the knife in my heart, every time she said that.
I was glad Second-Miles was getting better, but I was not looking forward to meeting him. I was afraid one look at him would destroy my carefully crafted composure. It was hard enough to talk normally and act normally around other people, especially my family. I didn’t need such a visual reminder of who I lost, right in front of me.
Second-Miles’ birthday came and went. Polly was relieved for so many reasons. Her grandson was awake to enjoy it, and the responsibility as trustee of the Bannerman estate was now out of her hands, and in his.
I was trying hard to be okay. I probably needed to give myself more time… it just seemed like after a month, why wasn’t I starting to feel any better? At least a little? If anything, the further I got from the last time I saw Miles, the worse I felt. Depression was sapping the color out of life. Putting one foot in front of the other was becoming more and more difficult.
It was a struggle to hide it from those around me. I didn’t know it was possible to miss someone this much. I was trying, so hard, to move forward, but being around other people was torture, and made me feel worse than I did if I sat alone staring at the photo Miles gave me, reliving every conversation we’d had… I wasn’t suicidal by any means, but I was not looking forward to the rest of my life.
I watched through the window of the guest house until the last truck pulled out of the driveway and onto the road. Finally, Nate and his crew were gone for the day.
I stepped outside and closed the door behind me, leaving Chip and Trixie inside. I needed to be alone for this.
It was twilight in mid-May, and time stood still. The only sound was the water bubbling in the fountain, and my footsteps on the grass. I walked through the garden clutching a bouquet of roses as I made my way toward the path Nate mentioned last fall.
I found it, another cobbled path leading through the forest. My eyes ached from all the tears I cried, and the ones I held in. I hoped this would help… I was desperate to find a way out of this misery. It was supposed to get easier with time, not harder. I didn’t know what else to do. Maybe this would bring that elusive closure people talk about.
The path made a gradual turn and the Bannerman family cemetery spread out before me.
I took a deep breath and moved forward, reading the inscriptions on the headstones.
I recognized the names from the portraits in the gallery. The first Delevan Bannerman, and so many others. This would have to be Miles’ parents… Cynthia and her husband, Matthew… his younger brother James and his wife, and Delevan, and…
I dropped to my knees on Miles’ grave.
Miles Delevan Bannerman
beloved son and brother
April 23, 1850 - April 7, 1870
I traced his name with my fingers, as I leaned against his headstone.
“I miss you—so much,” I cried. “I know you wanted me to move on, but how? I don’t know how…”
I sat huddled with my cheek against the cool stone, hugging myself for warmth, as the sun sank and the full moon rose. I was motionless except for the tears which spilled off my cheeks, and onto his grave.
“If I had it to do over again… I’d do the same thing. I’m glad you’re at peace now. I wouldn’t want you to ever be alone again, I would never want you to feel like I do. I love you too much for that. You were the best friend I could ever hope to have, and I’m so thankful for the time I knew you. I’ll never forget you, not ever.”
Sobs overtook me and I couldn’t speak until they subsided.
“Trixie’s doing okay. She misses you, but she’s doing alright. I’m taking good care of her.”
The limbs of the trees rustled in the breeze, and a cricket chirped in the distance.
“I—sometimes play the Go Vacation game that we used to play together. I find your Mii character, and invite you to join me, and we travel around the resort. I don’t know if it makes me feel better, or worse… but for a little while it almost makes me feel like you’re still here, somehow.”
An owl sounded mournfully from a nearby tree in the forest.
“I’m glad you’re at peace… but I feel like I’m in pieces, and I don’t know how to put myself back together. I’m trying, I really am. I know you’d be upset if you thought I wasn’t. I go out with Jenny, I meet her friends, and I try to act like my heart isn’t aching unbearably, and give them a chance… I’m afraid I’m going to hurt this much for the rest of my life. I don’t know how to fix it. When you left, all the happiness in the world went with you. I miss you so much. I miss talking to you, I miss listening to you, I miss the light in your eyes when you laugh, and I miss the sound of your laughter.”
My tears fell silently as I thought dully that from now, on the scent of fresh cut grass and roses would remind me of misery.
“The longer you’re gone, the harder it is, and the emptier I am. I hurt unbearably. I feel like I’m slowly dying…”
I spent the night talking to Miles and crying. In the cold, early morning hour before dawn, I rose and lay the crimson roses on his grave.
I slowly made my way back to the guest house, desolate and chilled to the bone, and convinced that there is no such thing as closure, after all.
April showers really do bring May flowers. The grounds of the estate were bursting with color. Lawncare Extraordinaire was worth their weight in gold, I’d never seen a more wonderful garden. The smooth lawn, the nicely trimmed shrubs and flowers. So many flowers. The roses were in bloom, and the air was heavy with their perfume.
The day finally came that Polly’s grandson was scheduled to be released from the hospital. He was doing well, and was expected to have a full recovery, as she said. Evidently he had more than a brain injury from the fall though, and would require continued physical therapy for some time. Which made sense, the news program that announced he was awake and that Alfred had been arrested, also played footage showing the cliff he was pushed off of. I didn’t know how he managed to survive at all. I was glad he was doing so well, but I dreaded the day that matchmaker Polly and Second-Miles would return to the estate. A date had yet to be determined, for which I was at least thankful.
The months until college would begin, stretched ahead of me desolately. There was so little for me to do anymore. I wondered if Polly even needed me at this point. Everything that could be fixed, repaired, cleaned, or updated, had been. The grounds were regularly maintained by Nate’s company. Molly and her girls came like clockwork twice a week, and kept the inside of the castle sparkling. Miles’ good name was restored, as was the estate, and with my scholarship, I didn’t need a job to afford college. There was no good reason for me to be here, anymore. I could move in with my family until school started in August, or get a jump on finding an apartment. One that would welcome two big dogs.
I felt a pang of guilt that after all Polly had done for me, I was wanting to pull a Jim and Patricia Henderson on her… but everywhere I looked, there were memories. Memories that were precious to me, but being here was a constant reminder that I would never see Miles again. For my sanity’s sake, I needed to turn in my resignation. I wouldn’t leave Polly in the lurch like the last caretakers did, but I could give two weeks’ notice.
I took my iPhone out of my pocket, and called Polly. I tapped my foot anxiously, waiting for her to answer, but got her voicemail. She must be visiting Second-Miles. The hospital had the usual “no cell phone” rule, and she abided by it religiously.
I disconnected the call without leaving a message, and sighed. Having made
my decision, it was a letdown that I couldn’t get it over with, and start the countdown.
I felt so restless. I looked out the window of the guest house at the castle, and at the windows of Mission Control. Then I looked above it, to the room that was once Miles’.
There was one thing left for me to do.
I grabbed my keys and headed through the garden and up the stairs and through the front door. A pang struck me, as it did every time I walked into the entryway… wanting so badly, but knowing I’d never again hear Miles say “Hi back,” the way he always used to do when I greeted him.
I hurried up the many flights of stairs to the fourth floor, and found his room.
I opened the door and stepped inside, softly closing it behind me. I looked around, wondering where to start. I guess it didn’t matter where, what mattered was packing away Miles’ things. Thanks to Sarah’s letter, everyone knew Miles was innocent, and that was good. It also made him famous though, and there were people who had a macabre fascination with anything pertaining to him, now. The news station was flooded with letters, and some of them were pretty outrageous. There were women out there that wanted every last little detail about Miles, as if they had a crush on him or something. If I didn’t know Miles, and love him, maybe I’d just think it was really, really weird. Maybe it wouldn’t bother me so much… but it did!
Just in case Second-Miles wasn’t as honorable as my Miles, and decided to turn the estate into a museum… I was determined Miles’ things wouldn’t be part of a display for people to gawk at.
I dropped to my knees next to his trunk. I opened it as I had on New Year’s Day, a million years ago… and found Miles’ Bible lying where I’d left it. Miles’ name was written inside, so that was one thing that definitely needed to be packed away. Maybe I should pack it away in the guest house. Miles would be glad for me to have it, but there was an heir to the estate now that had a say in everything. Maybe I could talk to Polly, surely she’d understand, after I worked so hard and solved the mystery. It seemed a very little thing to ask for.
I picked up Miles’ Bible and opened it, hoping to find that he’d written notes in the margins as so many people did. Instead, I found a sealed envelope that wasn’t there before.
I turned it over. On it was written to Anika Riley.
I smiled, and my eyes filled with tears at the same time. I held that precious envelope in my hands, and pressed it against my heart.
I wanted so much to know what Miles wrote to me, but once I read it, I wouldn’t have it to look forward to any more. For a while I just sat and held it.
I took a tissue out of the pocket of my sweater and wiped the tears from my eyes, then rose from the floor and sat on a chair near the fireplace.
I carefully opened the envelope and took out a letter.
Dearest Anika,
Since you’re reading this, I know you succeeded in what you promised to do. I know you’re sad now, and hurting, missing me, and I wish there had been any other way. If I could have stayed with you, the all-me guy I used to be, I would have. I can’t tell you how I prayed for that, but… that’s an awfully big request, and just knowing you for the time that I did was more than I ever deserved. I know you dreaded the loss of our friendship as much as I did, but you wanted what was best for me, and that’s what I want for you.
Since there are no tears in heaven, I know I’ll see you there someday. When I do, I want you to tell me that you had a happy and full life. That’s what I want for you, and that’s why I was willing to give up our friendship for the time being, so that you would have it. I knew you wouldn’t, if I stayed. Anika, I would have gladly stayed and been alone again someday, just to have more time with you. The thought of leaving you is unbearable, I can only imagine how hard it was to actually say goodbye. I did this for you, so please, I don’t want you wasting the life you have missing me.
You are truly my best friend, and you matter to me more than anyone. Until I see you again, I’ll play over every memory we made since the day you stood there glaring at me, demanding to know if I was Miles. How indignant you were, I felt sorry for Second-Miles, not realizing at first that you were talking to me. But I’m so glad you were. I have a lifetime’s worth of wonderful memories with you, and it was worth spending one-hundred and forty years alone to have them.
You are so special. You’re funny, and fun, you’re smart, you think in such creative ways and are always a surprise. You’re kind-hearted, and deserve every good thing in life. You are absolutely beautiful, too. The longer we were together the harder it was to remember we could only be friends, and that I shouldn’t wish for more. Don’t ever doubt your worth, and don’t ever let anyone else make you doubt it. If you ever do, then just remember what your friend Miles, who you always thought was so smart, had to say about it.
Don’t stay alone. Make friends, life is worth living if you can find the right ones, and very hard if you don’t. If you go out with a guy and he doesn’t convince you that you’re the most beautiful girl in the world, and treat you like you’re priceless… then he isn’t good enough for you. You deserve the very best, don’t ever settle for anyone that doesn’t believe that, and make you believe it, too. Go to college as you’ve always wanted, and do great things. Laugh, and be happy, and don’t ever feel you’re dishonoring our friendship if you aren’t grieving. You’ll honor the sacrifice I made in leaving you by living the best life you can and having all of the things you wouldn’t, if I stayed.
Until I see you again, with all my love, your friend,
Miles
I held the letter to my heart and furiously wiped away tears, determined to protect what was now my most precious possession.
I sat and cried, reading it over and over, cherishing every word.
Chapter 22
I was so thankful to have Miles’ letter. I missed everything about him, and what I wouldn’t give to be able to talk to him again, even for a few minutes. The letter was as close as I could get, and I read it over and over that night after I finished packing his things, and returned to the guest house.
I wanted to do what he asked. I didn’t want to hurt this much for the rest of my life. I hoped moving back in with my family would help, and that when college started it would give me something new to focus on. I wanted to move forward.
I wondered how to do that though, when my heart refused to come with me. An important part of me was missing, and I was afraid it was impossible to ever get it back. If I didn’t, I’d never move forward. I would remain stuck in my own half-way existence.
Late that night, as I lay in bed staring into the darkness, wishing sleep would come and give me a reprieve, I heard the quiet purr of a car as it pulled into the driveway and past the guest house, on its way to the castle. I got up and looked out the window.
It was a taxi. I had a feeling I knew who it was, and my heart sank. I dreaded even the thought of meeting Polly’s grandson, and what that would do to me. I couldn’t bring myself to think of him as Miles… that name belonged to my friend, my Miles.
I left the lights out, hoping Polly would think I was asleep, and wouldn’t get any bright ideas about introducing me to her grandson right away. Although with that persistent little woman, it was anybody’s guess if that would stop her.
Polly and her grandson got out of the taxi, and the taxi driver removed their bags from the trunk and carried them to the front door. Polly’s grandson wore a knee brace on his right leg, and limped slightly. Polly said something to him, and he looked toward the guest house.
It felt like the shattered pieces of my heart were being ground into my chest. He looked just like my Miles. I sank to the floor and pressed my hands over my heart, trying to hold it together, as tears welled in my eyes and I choked back first one sob, then another.
I was so glad the lights were out, and Polly didn’t try to interrupt my pretend sleep. If only I’d been smart enough not to look out the window and spared myself that, as well.
I didn’
t sleep that night. I lay on the bed staring at Miles’ photo, losing hope that it would ever get easier, and dreading the morning, and the rest of my life without him.
Painfully early, Polly came knocking. I slid Miles’ photo under my pillow with his letter, ran my hands through my hair, and dragged myself to the door.
“Oh my dear, I’m so glad to see you!” Polly said as she gave me a hug, but then she held me back and looked alarmed. “Goodness, I don’t remember you being so thin, you’re positively wasting away. You’re just a shadow. We need to do something about that immediately.”
Polly saw Trixie. Her eyes narrowed and she gave Trixie a shrewd look. Then she looked at me, then back at Trixie.
“Trixie was homeless, and she and Chip made friends… I hope it’s okay that she lives here,” I said.
If it wasn’t, I’d move out today. No way was I giving up Miles’ dog.
Polly recovered.
“Of course, dear! She is more than welcome. Funny, the Miles Bannerman whose name you cleared had a dog named Trixie, who disappeared when he was murdered.” She gave me a piercing look, and I did not say a word.
Polly didn’t dwell on whatever thought was going through her mind. I didn’t have to borrow her distraction technique and point out a squirrel, after all.
“I can’t wait for you to meet Miles,” she said. “He is the most wonderful young man. Kind, considerate, and caring...”
She leaned in conspiratorially. “Miles always wants to hear all about you after we talk, and he’s watched your news program a million times on his iPhone.”
I felt sick.
“You can’t do better than Miles, my dear,” she said. “And he can’t do better than you.”
She smiled, patted my arm, and walked back to the castle.
Miles Page 28
