Free To Be

by Adam Lynch

  He gasps and is taken aback. “I thought I read this thought from your mind, but couldn’t believe it—so I ignored it. Hearing you verbalize it, I still can’t believe it. You’re willing to travel to my village, put yourself in danger again, to fix my problem?”

  “That’s what friends are for, aren’t they?”

  He grins, tears running down his face. “And to think you mean everything you’re saying—really meaning it. You really are unlike anyone I’ve ever met. I’m so thankful I met you.”

  “And I, you.”

  We embrace and wrap our arms around each other, rubbing our backs. My face wrinkles as we both sniffle. Tears run down my face. We hold for a few minutes.

  Then, he pulls away and we smile at each other silently a moment. “Now go check on the others. Later, we’ll talk about what we’ll do about the Starlights that may be approaching us.”

  I gulp and nod. Then, I look around the area for everyone. Thunder sounds from a distance as the storm passes and shifts south. Several clouds linger, trickles of rain falling every now and then. The wind is soft, then it’s heavy, and then it’s soft again—it’s like my moods today.

  Kagami is the first person I notice when I look around for everyone. She sits on the cliff by the front gate on the west side. Katsu is beside her, holding her and speaking to her. My heart starts racing when I think of approaching her. Sweat runs down my forehead and hands. I’m out of breath. Seriously, Taiyo? You’re this nervous to approach her after everything you’ve been through together? I hate that I feel this way. I don’t want to feel this way. But I can’t help it. I’m helpless to stop it.

  Okay… you know what? I can check on her later when I’m feeling a little less nervous… I’ll check on the others first.

  Suddenly, I catch Sadao heading my direction. “H-hey, Sadao,” I say, catching his attention. He appears more calm now, but still a bit agitated. “A-are you okay?”

  “I’m fine.” He studies me a moment. “Say, Taiyo… how long have you had your powers?”

  My eyes widen and I stop breathing. I… I wasn’t expecting him to ask me this. “Uh, um...”

  “You’ve always had them, haven’t you? That’s how you were able to save Akio and Yumi on that expedition?”

  “Y-yeah.”

  “So… you saved him then… but not when Talden was beating the living hell out of him? And also… if you’ve had powers this whole time… why didn’t you… why didn’t you stop the Darkane when they had first arrived at our village? I’m grateful for everything you did today, but please... help me understand.”

  I try to speak, but no words come out. He waits a second. Then he shakes his head and grunts. “Forget it.” He storms off.

  I freeze several seconds, not breathing. He… he’s furious with me. Does he hate me? Will he resent me forever about this? Probably. He’s right. It is my fault. I could have stopped the Darkane—I could have stopped them a long time ago. But I didn’t… and it’s because I didn’t that people were hurt… people were killed… Akio… Sadao… I’m sorry… I’m so sorry...

  “Hey, Taiyo!” exclaims Yumi suddenly, rubbing my shoulder. I look up and see a beautiful grin that quickly fades. “What’s wrong? Are you okay?”

  I wipe tears from my eyes and sniffle. I try to smile. “Y-yeah… I’m okay…”

  “Did Sadao say something to you?”

  “No… it’s.. it’s okay… I understand. It’s my fault… it’s my fault everyone had to go through all of this. I should have stopped everything before it started…”

  “I’ll talk to him. Don’t worry about it. He doesn’t know all the details. We’ve talked about this before already. Remember? Remember, Taiyo?”

  She waits for me to lift my face and meet her eyes. “Y-yeah.”

  “So don’t worry about it then. I’ll take care of it.”

  I nod, trying to fake a smile.

  “Besides that, are you doing okay?”

  I pause. “I-I was about to find you and ask you that...”

  “Awe. Really? That’s sweet of you. I would have liked that. I was worried that because we’re free again, you would stop talking to me—before we were slaves, you never talked to me. I hope that’s not true, though… because that would make me sad... I like talking to you, Taiyo… I like being friends with you...”

  “Friends?!”

  “Well… yeah. Don’t you consider me your friend?”

  “No! I—I do. I just didn’t know you considered me your friend.”

  “Of course, I do, Taiyo. We’ve gone through so much together…” She embraces me, touching my chest. Her body is inches from mine. My heart races, and I gulp. She gazes intensely at me and I look away, blushing. Oh no… what if… I don’t want Kagami to think… but at the same time… I don’t want Yumi’s feelings to get hurt either…

  Suddenly, she pulls away. She eyes the ground, looking sad. Oh no. Was it that obvious that I’m hesitant? Crap…

  She chuckles nervously. “So uh… did you check on Kagami yet?”

  I face her, my eyes wide. “Huh?”

  “Oh wait. She was probably the first one you checked on, right?”

  I look away. “Uh… no… I haven’t... yet…”

  “What, really? Well, what’s stopping you?”

  “I…”

  She gets behind me, pushing me in Kagami’s direction. “Get over there before she feels like you don’t care.”

  Like I don’t care? Would she really feel that way? “Okay… you’re right. I’ll go talk to her.”

  “Good man. Don’t keep a girl waiting.” I blush. “Oh, and Taiyo…” I turn around to face her. Suddenly, she’s serious again, gazing silently at me a moment. “Come say hi every now and then, okay? We’re friends, aren’t we?”

  I grin, and then nod. “Y-yeah, we are. We are friends.”

  She smiles and giggles with her lips closed. Then she gazes at me silently a few minutes. I stare back, not knowing what to say now. “Okay… I’ll see you later then, Taiyo. Thanks again for all that you did for us… and… for saving my life.” She sends me a blow-kiss.

  “Thanks for what you did too, Yumi!”

  She grins, waves goodbye, giggles, and then walks away. I reserve a second to watch her go, then I turn around to face Kagami and Katsu. I take a deep breath. They’re still conversing with each other. What should I do? I don’t want to interrupt them.

  Suddenly, Katsu twists around and notices me staring at them—then, Kagami does the same. I immediately look away and blush. Oh no… they caught me standing here and staring at them. So embarrassing.

  Suddenly, Katsu stands to his feet, eyeing me. Oh no… is he going to approach me? Right now? Am I ready for this? What is he going to say?

  “Taiyo. Have a minute? I’d like to say something to you…”

  I gulp. My body tenses up. I nod, not knowing what else to do as he approaches me.

  “I wanted to thank you, Taiyo…” he begins, stopping a few feet from me. “Thank you for your courage. You’ve restored hope in me. You surprised me, but it was a welcoming surprise. My spirit was nearly broken, but you saved the pieces that were left..” He pauses. My jaw loosens, amazed hearing this from someone I’ve always admired. “You did for my sister what I could not. You set her free. You can’t imagine how grateful I am. Whatever you need… whenever you need it, if there’s something I can do for you, I’d like to do it. Anything I obtain in the future will be yours to share, because without you, there wouldn’t have been a future for us.” He bows. “So thank you, Taiyo. For everything.”

  I don’t know what to say. I’m speechless. Why is everybody thanking me like I did all the work? “Th-thank you, Katsu but… you helped just as much as I did. I couldn’t have done any of this without you… or Yumi, Sadao, Yuuto, or… Kagami.”

  “We’re not honoring you out of courtesy, Taiyo. We’re honoring you because it’s well deserved. If you feel uncomfortable accepting it, then think about how it honors us wh
en you accept what we want to give you. Accept it. Don’t reject it. Embrace it, and embrace it with pride.”

  I’m speechless, numb to reaction. His words challenged my thought process.

  “Taiyo.” He waits until I make eye contact with him. “Okay?”

  I smile, then I nod. “Yeah. Thanks, Katsu.”

  He pats me on the shoulder, smiling. Then, he pulls up to my ear. “I know you’re waiting to talk to my sister...” I gasp, holding my breath. He smiles. “Go ahead. Her and I are finished talking.”

  Patting me again, he dismisses himself. I watch him go a moment, then I turn to face her, and gulp. She’s still sitting by the cliff, watching the valley—the same way we did every time we were assigned guard duty for a day. Standing here, bracing myself to approach her reminds me of the last time I did… and how disastrous and humiliating that was.

  But I know this won’t be a repeat of that, because so much has happened since then… Kagami and I… on that night… and for the first time in our lives… have made a connection.

  But what if I do something to sever it? What if I do something weird around her, and she changes her mind about me? I would lose everything I had worked so hard to gain with her.

  I don’t want to lose her. I want her to like me. I have to be careful. Don’t do anything weird or creepy, Taiyo.

  She’s never gotten to know me before… but when she does, what if she decides she doesn’t like me after all? What if I’m not what she expected? What if she thinks I’m weird? I think that is what I fear most.

  My body is trembling. My hands are sweating. My hear is pounding. My face is tight and tense. I’m terrified to approach her right now… I’m terrified to find out what will happen once she gets to know me… but… I can’t just not talk to her right now… I… I don’t want her to think I don’t care about her or anything like that...

  I do care about her. I’m in love with her.

  Okay.

  I take a deep breath.

  I’m just going to ignore how I’m feeling, and make myself do it.

  As I approach her, I hold my breath and keep saying in my head, it’s okay. It’s going to be okay.

  When I make it next to her, I gulp. I take a deep breath before she notices me. She still hasn’t noticed me. Is she pretending not to notice me?

  Whatever the case, I need to at least say hi. That way I can say I did. “H-hi.”

  Startled, she spins towards me and expands her eyes. “T-taiyo! Oh hey!” She frantically brushes her hair behind her ears.

  “H-how are you? Are you okay?”

  “Yeah… h-how about you?”

  “I’m good.”

  “Good.” Neither of us can think of what to say next, so we stare silently while the wind blows, and the sunlight reflects from her eyes—God… I can’t believe how beautiful she is...

  “Will you…” she hesitates. “I mean you could… sit down… if you want...”

  I nod, smiling awkwardly. “Y-yeah, okay...” I join her by the cliff, but not too close. I don’t want to make her uncomfortable.

  She looks at me, and seemingly studies me. “I-I saw you checking on everybody… so I appreciate you coming to check on me as well…”

  “A-and I... appreciate you… for allowing me to… be here… beside you...”

  My hesitancy seems to confuse her. “Well, of course. Why wouldn’t I?”

  Oh no. Am I upsetting her? Should I have said that? “I… don’t know.”

  She looks skeptical, and maybe even a bit… frustrated. She faces the valley, hugging her legs and sighing. I stop breathing, worrying if I did something wrong already. “I envy Yuuto…” My eyes widen, and my heart races when I hear her voice again. I face her—giving her my undivided attention. Her eyes remain on the valley, gathering her thoughts. “He’s lucky he can… I mean, I bet it’s nice to…” she turns to face me and we reconnect eyes. “Know what’s on someone’s mind…”

  We stare silently, and I gulp. She aims at the valley again, suddenly appearing angry now. I’m frustrating her. She can’t understand why I feel so scared around her right now—after everything we’ve been through together. Why I’m hesitant—why I’m reserved. I wish I could stop it, but I don’t know how. And I hate myself for it...

  I’m scared to ask, but I’m wondering if she’s wanting to know what’s on my mind right now. That’s why she brought it up, isn’t it? But I’m terrified to voice my question in case my assumption is wrong.

  So instead, I give her the safe reserved answer. “Y-yeah…”

  She looks at me again, intensely analyzing my eyes, and seemingly constructing a story that makes sense. I hate that I’m doing this to her. I feel like I’m playing games with her mind. I’m not doing this intentionally, but how do I safely express myself without risking making her not like me?

  She gives up and faces the valley again, sighing. Suddenly, she looks drained. “Well, anyway… thanks for checking on me, Taiyo... sorry if I kept you too long...”

  “Wait, no!” I touch her shoulder and surprise her. Suddenly, I realize what I’m doing and freeze up. “I…” It’s too late. I’ve already jumped in. I have to follow through. “I have nowhere else to be… you’re the last person I was going to talk to…” My eyes widen, suddenly self-conscious about what I said. “I mean—I don’t mean I wanted to speak to you last. I wanted to speak to you first, but…” I lose my train of thought.

  “It’s okay. I think I know what you mean…”

  “Listen, Kagami I…” I stop myself. Ah. No... I have to say it now. I can’t just stop mid-sentence. “I-I like you...” Seriously? Of all the things to say. How embarrassing.

  “I know… I remember you expressing this to me before, but…” She pauses, studying me skeptically again. “Do you really?”

  “Yes! I do! Absolutely!”

  “Well, you don’t… seem like you do… I mean… you don’t seem like you want to be here... with me. I don’t want you to feel stuck here because I asked you to sit.”

  “No. That’s not it. It’s just…”

  “What?”

  “It’s just…” She waits patiently for me to answer, but I lose my train of thought. I look away to regather my thoughts. Part of me is terrified she’ll get frustrated with my pause like others usually get, but instead she stays patient. It surprises me… encourages me even… “It’s just that I’m... scared…”

  “Scared? Of what?”

  Should I say it? Is it really a good idea? Will she understand? What if she doesn’t? But do I have a choice now? “I-I’m scared I’ll do something that will make you... regret... getting to know me…”

  She pauses as if shocked. “Regret getting to know you?”

  “Yes…”

  “What… that… that’s pretty much what I just worrying about…”

  “Really?”

  “Yeah… I… I was thinking you were acting the way you were because you were having second thoughts about me... like you were deciding if you really liked me and still wanted to get to know me or not...”

  “No! No way. That’s not it at all…”

  “So then... it’s because you’re scared you’ll do something that will make me regret getting to know you?”

  “Yeah...”

  She studies me again, but this time with a look that seems to express revelation, curiosity, and… understanding. “See? This is why I envy Yuuto. “If a person knew what was on another person’s mind, neither person would be misunderstood. They’d know what each other was feeling, and how to communicate.”

  “But most people are able to communicate fine without having to read minds, aren’t they? So how do they do it? I’m terrible at it—horrible at it. That’s why Yuuto helps me.”

  “I know… I’m not good at it either…” She studies me again for a few seconds. I smile. Then, she mirrors. “But... maybe we can... learn together… you think?”

  “Yeah! That’d be great. I’d love that.”

  S
he grins, seemingly encouraged. “Spend more time together?”

  “Yeah!”

  “Get to know each other better?”

  “Getting to know you is all I’ve ever wanted!” Her eyes widen suddenly, and I stop breathing. Huh? Was that too open? Too bold?

  “Do… you really mean that?”

  “Yes… I do.” We stare silently at each other a few seconds. Her lively and invested gaze encourages me to continue. “I… everything I know about you… I like… and I… I would like to know more...”

  She exclaims slightly. Then, we gaze at each other another few seconds in silence.

  Slowly, she slides her hands halfway towards me.

  I meet hers there with mine. Instantly, I feel a tingling sensation. Her eyes dilate. She gulps. “Y-your hands…” she says. “They’re warm…”

  I grin. “I know… because your hands are cold.”

  We chuckle simultaneously, never shifting our eyes from each other, and tightening our touch.

  We hold our gazes. We smile. Then, we grin. Then… when we can no longer help it, we laugh…

  We laugh gleefully...

  Letting go all inhibitions.

  Being ourselves.

  Free to be.

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