Angel Trouble: A grim reaper horror comedy (24/7 Demon Mart Book 3)

by D. M. Guay

  “Why can she see you?” I whispered. Part of me was starting to think this was a bad idea.

  “Old people. They're in God's waiting room.” Zack shrugged. “Well, technically you all are, but old people know it. They're tuned in.”

  While we were waiting at the second bus stop, a passing pizza guy took one look at us, missed his turn, and the front grill of his Camry wrapped around a fire hydrant. The car stopped. Unfortunately, the pizza light on the top of the car did not. And neither did the pizza guy. He shot through the windshield and hit a light pole. With his head.

  “Jesus.” Bile tickled my tonsils. “He's dead.”

  “Oof. That had to hurt. And so young, too,” Zack said.

  “Did you do that? I thought you were fired! Cut it out!”

  “It wasn't me. He must have another reaper assigned to him. You do not reap if you don't have a scroll. Trust me. It just isn't done. Major no no. You can be thrown into the pit for that!” He looked up and around. “One of my brothers must be around here somewhere. Do you see him? He's late. That's also a big no no. You don't leave souls lying around. You need to reap them before they go stale.”

  Zack's ski goggles surveyed the cloudy, gray winter sky. Scanning, like he was looking for something. “Wow. That reaper is super late. Maybe there's a traffic jam on the C Forty.”

  “The what?”

  “Celestial Highway Forty. It's the main line from—”

  “Come on.” I tugged on his sleeve and pulled him down the sidewalk. I could not stare at that dead pizza guy any longer. Or the steaming piles of melted mozzarella cooling on the icy street. I could hear sirens in the distance, so the squad was on the way.

  This was starting to feel like a terrible idea, but it's not like I had any other option. He absolutely could not stay at my house, in my room, for eleven hours with Mom working from home. She knows when something's amiss. Always. She once busted me for sneaking one cookie out of the Oreo family size pack. ONE. Who misses one cookie out of a row that long? Her instincts were so keen, she kicked open my bedroom door the second I sunk my teeth in to take a bite.

  A reaper in my room was not gonna fly. She could see his robes. What if she could see him? I couldn't take any chances.

  Bus two dropped us about a block from DeeDee's condo. Thank God. We rounded the corner and a really old dude with a cane looked up at Zack, screamed, and fell right on his butt. “I'm not ready. I need more time!”

  “It's okay, old person,” Zack said. “I'm unemployed. Hurrrrr hurrrrr hurrrrr.”

  “Oh. I'm sorry, son. You'll get back on your feet soon.” The old dude said. He looked at me. “Is he all right? Why is he crying?”

  “Long story.” I helped him up. He smoothed himself out and patted Zack on the shoulder, then shuffled out of there so fast the soles of his orthotic shoes burned rubber on the sidewalk. But he must have tripped, because he fell.

  Thunk.

  Head first, into a mailbox. He stopped moving. His head somehow got stuck in the slot. He had a crumpled letter in his hand.

  “Oh my God!”

  A solitary tear rolled down Zack's cheek. “I miss my job. Herrrrrrrrr. I feel so empty insiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiide. Hurrrr herrrrrrr.”

  I dialed 911. “Hello? Hi. I need an ambulance.”

  “Uh, it's too late for that,” Zack said.

  “Shhhh! Yeah. There's a little old man here on the street. He hit his head.”

  “The paramedics can't save him. He's stone dead.”

  I gave them the address and hung up. “Stop bothering me when I'm on the phone!”

  “What? I'm just trying to save you some trouble.”

  “I can't not call the squad. Look at the poor guy.” We both looked. He was already turning blue. He dropped his letter. “It's what you do. You have to help!”

  “You silly humans.” Zack looked up at the sky again. “I don't know who's working this sector. But they're late again. They're definitely gonna get written up for this. He should have been here the second his head hit the box. Well. I guess they are short staffed since I was suspended. Herrrr. Hurrrrrr. I wish they'd hur hur hurrr take me baaaaaaaaaaaaaa.”

  “Jesus Christ. Pull yourself together!”

  Zack straightened up. “Holy cow. Is he here?”

  Ugh. The second the paramedics pulled up, I pushed Zack down the block to DeeDee's.

  I pressed the buzzer and fiddled.

  Buzzzzzz.

  What's taking her so long? Answer, please!

  Buzzzzzzz.

  “Do you want me to float up there and see what she's doing?” He pointed up at the windows.

  “What? No floating!” We're in enough trouble as it is. “An eight foot tall levitating banana isn't gonna help us lie low.”

  “Here. Let me take over.” Zack pushed me out of the way. “I'm really good at this.”

  He pressed every single button on the panel in one quick motion.

  “Dude. That's just rude.”

  “Old work trick. No one ever once agreed to buzz in death. We had to get in to the building somehow. You do not want to see what happens when a soul doesn't get reaped. Eeesh. Speaking of.” He scanned the sky. “I still don't see anyone coming for that old man.”

  A voice rang from the tinny speaker. “Who is it?”

  Zack said, “Candygram.”

  The guy buzzed us in.

  “That worked?”

  “Always does.”

  We trudged up the steps to DeeDee's condo. Zack admired the brick, hip industrial hallway. “Wow. Great place. Why do you still live with your mom? Are you, like, still a kid or something? Or, what do they call it, a slacker? How old are you, anyway?”

  “What? No! Shut up.”

  “Just asking. I honestly don't know. It's hard for me to tell human ages. Baby, middle age, old. They're really just different types of lumpy. Humans. So doughy.”

  I knocked on DeeDee's door as hard as I could, whisper screaming, “DeeDee. It's Lloyd. Open up. Pleeeeeeeease.”

  “Did you call her first? Because showing up without calling. So Rude.”

  I looked at him. He looked at me. Pot. Kettle. For real?

  I knocked again. And again. My stomach churned. I had a sinking feeling. Where was she? Did she fall asleep? I couldn't drag him back across town looking like this!

  Suddenly, a high-pitched whine came from inside. Huh. Did she get a dog? “DeeDee. It's Lloyd!”

  The door swung open.

  “DeeDee, thank god! Can we come in?”

  “Sure thing, Champ.”

  My guts landed in my shoes. Hunter stood in the door, smiling ear to ear. Blue. Dead. Smiling. Impossibly handsome. What. The. Hell.

  Wait. How did he open the door?

  “Come on in. We made bacon! You guys like bacon? What am I saying? Everybody loves bacon.”

  He opened the door wide enough that I could see DeeDee standing at the kitchen island, hovering over a skillet.

  “Oooh. Human food? Don't mind if I do.” Zack pushed me out of the way. He took one look at her condo and stopped abruptly. “Hold on. Do you live with vampires? I can't stand vampires. So creepy. No souls, but still alive? What's up with that?”

  “No vampires,” she said. “Just me.”

  “You sure? Because this looks like a vampire's house. So plush. I have to give them credit. They do have a keen eye for decorating.”

  Hunter floated in happy circles up, down and around DeeDee and Zack. And me. “What a great day! All my favorite people are here. Such a great pack!”

  Uh. What is happening?

  Zack pulled down his scarf and dropped a fistful of bacon into his bony maw. “Oh, man. That is good. I see why you all are so fleshy now. Human food is great!”

  I looked at the weird buffet laid out before me. Fried bacon and peanut butter, which Hunter was licking straight out of the jar. Well. He was really really trying to. His blue tongue went right through the jar, coming up with nothing, but that didn't dull his enthusi
asm.

  “What is going on?” I asked.

  “What took you guys so long?” DeeDee asked. “If you had trouble with the form, you should have called me. I could have walked you through it.”

  “Form?” I looked at her. She looked at me. Whatever. I grabbed her hand and pulled her into the hallway. “Can we talk, in private?”

  Zack turned his full attention and enthusiasm to Hunter. “Man, all you Bubba's folks. Talk about a great group of guys! So welcoming. Sorry about you and Gunther. I don't know why you're still here. We must be short staffed. We saw two people die on the way here, and I didn't see a single reaper.”

  “What is HE doing here?” I tried to disguise the jealousy in my tone, but you know, nailed it.

  “You tell me.” She blinked at me. “Does he not like living in the cooler? I disinfected Morty's mattress. It should be okay now. Unless Lysol doesn't work on hell STDs.”

  “Not him. HIM,” I thumbed back at Hunter.

  “Oh. He followed me home. He looked so sad, I couldn't turn him away. Bubba's is closed for repairs, and Junebug was done with the squats. Really. You should have seen her face. I couldn't leave him with her, and he doesn't have anywhere else to go,” she said. “I had a hell of a time getting him home. It took forever. He peed on every single electric pole, and then he got sprayed by a skunk. Wow. The smell. I gave give him a bath, but I'm pretty sure the skunk stink molecules mixed with his ghost molecules. He still stinks, and do you know what's really weird?”

  “Surprise me. Because all of this is really weird.”

  “The water actually stuck to him. He shook dry like a dog, and it took me twenty good minutes to wipe the water off the floor. I didn't know water stuck to ghosts, did you?”

  My head started to spin. Hot Hunter? Here? With DeeDee? And she gave him a BATH. Great. Just great. She had a hot naked man ghost in her bathtub. My head suddenly felt very hot and I swear the room started to spin.

  Angel eight ball hit my foot. “Relax. It's fine. You were playing the long game with DeeDee anyway, right? It's not like you ever told her how you feel about her. Plus. You know, you still live with your parents. That's not exactly a panty dropper. I mean, that was fine up until the renaissance, but now? It's frowned upon. You'll definitely need your own place before you think about romance. Plus, Hunter's a ghost. I mean, this relationship isn't exactly going anywhere. It can't. Well, not physically. Know what I mean?”

  “Oh my God. Just shut up.” I kicked Angel down the hall.

  “Having some angel trouble?” DeeDee watched him wobble away.

  “Yes! Zack showed up at my house. Naked! With a pile of dirty laundry. My Mom is washing his robes right now.”

  “Why didn't you wash them?” DeeDee asked this as a straight, obvious question, without the slightest hint of judgment in her voice.

  Angel pivoted, shooting me some triangle. Of course. Always an opinion. “Good question. Your hands aren't broken. You can work the machine. Men. Giant, walking man babies. Your moms take care of you, then the second you move in with a girl, she takes care of you. Hurrrrrrrrr. Herrrrrr. Herrrrr. You sacrifice, and you compromise, and you give them your heart and what do you get? They betray you. They LIE! Hurp.”

  “Uh, okay?”

  “What's with him lately?” DeeDee stared at angel, who was so busy crying that he didn't even play dead.

  “I don't know. He's always kind of been the worst.”

  “As my boy Thomas Aquinas said, 'Man does not always choose what his guardian angel intends'.”

  “Who? Anyway, thanks for taking Zack in. But boy. Getting him here was a fiasco. The lady on the bus—”

  “You took the bus? Why didn't you open a portal?”

  “Portal. What?” I didn't even know what that meant. So naturally, I ignored it. “Listen. People can see him. Like see him. Some people. Not everyone.”

  “Only the sick ones. And old ones. Or the crazies. And people who are about to get reaped. And you guys.” Zack hovered right over my shoulder. If he had a nose, it would have been smack in between me and DeeDee. “And psychics. Not the hippies with the crystals, though. Geesh. Those guys—Ow!”

  I elbowed him in the ribs. “I hate to ask you to take him on, but you live alone. It'd be safer here than at home with my mom. He can fly back to the store when it's dark.”

  “We'll portal. It's faster.”

  Huh? I looked at her. She looked at me.

  “I get to stay here? Wow. This place is deluxe.” He looked down the hall. “It's definitely an upgrade. Don't get me wrong. Lloyd is my best friend and all, but have you seen his room? Man, what a slob! Have you seen his closet? There's a cave made out of dirty—gah.”

  I elbowed him in the ribs. Harder. My cheeks flushed hot.

  “Make yourself at home, Zack. I'm about to put in a movie. But can you do me a favor? If Hunter lays down on the sofa, scratch him behind the ear. He likes that. Just watch out for his leg. It shakes.”

  “Ooh! A movie!” Zack floated over to the TV and started rifling through the DVDs.

  “Do you want to stay?” DeeDee asked. “I was going to watch Poltergeist. You know, for research. But now I don't know. Hunter might get the wrong idea. Scooby Doo is probably a safer bet.”

  “How are you so relaxed about all this?”

  She shrugged. “It's not so bad. I always wanted a dog, and my condo association doesn't allow them. Well, not live ones.”

  She whistled at Hunter and pulled a red plastic bone out of her pocket. She squeezed it, and it squeaked. Hunter's eyes lit up. “Here, boy! Fetch!”

  The plastic bone arced through the air. Hunter zoned in. He ran, he jumped, and he would have caught it. If he had a real mouth, not a ghastly ghostly one, as tangible as a wisp of smoke. Still, he scuttled after it, happy. Sniffing around on the floor on all fours, until he found it in a corner.

  “Ghosts aren't much trouble if you keep them happy.”

  Chapter 11

  Mom's headlights flashed across the front window, stopping right on Kevin, who had his fat blue face pressed through the glass, like he was waiting for me.

  Uh oh. I had the deep dark sinking feeling I was in trouble. Again.

  Mom patted the basket of reaper robes on my lap, now clean, fresh out of the dryer, still warm. “Honey. I don't know what was on this, but it gummed up the washer. If it happens again, tell Mr. Faust to try the dry cleaners. You have a good night at work, okay? I'm proud of you!”

  She pinched my cheek and bid me goodbye. And when I stepped in the door, Zack's clean laundry in hand, Kevin stood on the mat with one foot tapping violently and four fists dug into his fat phantom carapace.

  Yep. He was mad.

  “Are you serious? You're on probation, and you can't keep it together for one day. One! Do you want this job? Because if you do, you sure fooled me.”

  I looked at Kevin. Kevin looked at me.

  “What's wrong?”

  Kevin rubbed his eyes like he had a headache. “Really, kid? Do I have to spell it out for you? You took a grim reaper on two city buses today in broad daylight. What were you thinking?”

  “I couldn't keep him in the house with my Mom. She's like Sherlock freaking Holmes!”

  “Why did you take the bus? That's what the portals are for!”

  “How was I supposed to know that?”

  “Two words: Employee manual.”

  Oh. Shit. “Well, I didn't know!”

  “No shit. And you're late. We will talk about this after you get your meat hands over to the register and cash this guy out. You are not off the hook.”

  He pointed at a tubby dude in a wrinkled T-shirt standing by the register, Colossal Super Slurp in one hand, devil's chocolate donut with chocolate icing in the other. Woah boy. That guy did not know what he was getting himself into with that doughnut.

  “Hurry up. He's been waiting for ten minutes.”

  “Really? Why didn't DeeDee ring him up?”

  “She's late, too.
She didn't call either. You kids. Geesh. No wonder I'm stuck here. How can I cross over knowing you two can't even show up on time? I can't rest knowing the store is unattended. You millennials are screwing with my afterlife. Now get moving.”

  “Fine. I'll be right there, man.” I fake smiled and waved at the customer.

  I rounded the counter and was halfway to the register when Gunther floated right up to that dude and said, “Mmm. Is that a donut? Is it Friday? It's my cheat day!”

  He opened wide and sunk his demon mouth around the guy's donut. Gunther's mouth hit air, which seemed to surprise him, because he stumbled and fell. His blue ghost body cut right through that poor human, landing at his feet in a liquidy pool. The tubby guy? He didn't see or hear Gunther, but he sure felt him. His eyes went as wide and round as quarters. He shivered like a man who'd been doused in a bucket of ice water. Then, he very slowly sat the doughnut and the slushy on the counter, dropped a crumbled up bill and some change next to them, then walked straight out the door without a word. Looking straight ahead. Eyes round as dinner plates. Traumatized.

  Gunther reformed. His eyes lit up when he saw the abandoned doughnut. He tried to eat it, but his head went right through the counter, down through the lottery tickets, and out the bottom of the cabinet. Again. And again. And a few more times. Dude. Gunther looked like he was bobbing for apples.

  Kevin was not happy. “Jesus Christ. He's scared off two customers in the last fifteen minutes! Hey. Dumbass! You. Gunther!”

  Gunther said, “Me?”

  “Yeah, you. You can't eat food, okay? So cut it out. Stop walking through the customers. You're scaring them away.”

  “But it's cheat day!”

  “Don't you get it? You don't get a cheat day anymore. You're dead. Oh, and blue is not your color. It makes your butt look fat, so hit aisle six and give me five hundred lunge presses, fatty. Now!”

  “Fat? What?” Gunther cocked his head back and spun in circles, trying to get a look at his fat behind, which was not, in fact, fat. Kevin was just messing with him. Gunther spun and spun, unable to see his own butt. Still, Kevin's plan worked. Gunther eventually floated away, and I watched his head bob up and down behind the shelf as he lunged his way to a better post-life posterior.