Angel Trouble: A grim reaper horror comedy (24/7 Demon Mart Book 3)

by D. M. Guay

  The boss reaper stepped up to Yuri. “Give your jaw a rest. We reviewed the security tapes for this sector. Funny thing. They were all cloudy until about ten minutes ago. And when the fog lifted, there you were confessing everything, plain as day. Villains. The monologue always does you in. You all never learn.”

  DeeDee and I locked eyes. She flashed a vial of yia yia spit and a thumbs up. Huh. That label didn't lie. It really did break the curse.

  “Not the smartest criminal, are you? But, it sure makes my job easier. Once we had your confession, we double checked the footage of the racino crash. And surprise. It'd been doctored. We know you reaped the driver. We also scraped some of your bone fragments off the gate controls at Bubba's. Terror eels are a serious offense. You deserve the pit for this, but maybe the judge will go easy on you.”

  “No! You don't understand!” Yuri's skull wiggled.

  “Oh. I understand. All Creatures Great & Dead is gonna have a field day with this. I heard about your job try out, too. Hilarious.”

  All the red reapers? They chuckled. And I swear I saw Yuri's white cheekbones flush pink. “Noooooooooooo!”

  “Load him up, boys.” The boss reaper motioned, and Yuri's skull dropped into that bag.

  It moved as he spoke. “Guys? Guys? Let me outta here. You got it all wrong.”

  The boss reaper clapped me on the shoulder. “Smart move. Most people don't think to call us when they're disembodied. Usually, the last thing the recently deceased want to see is a reaper. Thanks to your quick thinking, these poor souls will be ushered off to their eternal rest. Good job.”

  DeeDee looked at me, and her eyebrows wrinkled together, like she was confused. “How did you call—?”

  Gulp. I didn't want to answer that question. I didn't want to think about her dead ever again. She'd be better off not knowing.

  Thankfully I didn't have to say anything, because the big boss picked us both up by one arm and ferried us to the welcome mat. “Stay out of the way. This is a crime scene, so we do have to close it to gather the evidence. You understand.”

  As if on cue, the red reapers spread out across the store with measuring tapes and tweezers, scribbling things on scrolls, dropping bits in tiny plastic bags, drawing chalk outlines. Some of them crowded around Bubby with clipboards, trying to take his statement. But Bubby took one look at them and passed out cold.

  That's when I noticed Faust was still up on the ladder, holding a few of those blue glass eye wards in his hands. He looked at the ward, then looked all around, then looked at me, and said, “My. I had no idea jealousy was such a strong magic. Now I understand why envy is one of the seven deadly sins.”

  The boss reaper said, “Where's my list? I need an official soul tally.” He put out a boney hand, and another reaper slapped a black clipboard into it. His eyeless sockets examined the page.

  DeeDee pulled me close. “We have to get Kevin—”

  The boss reaper floated right up to her. “DeeDee Bertha Woznowski. Deceased. No. Survivor. I see you've had quite a night.”

  DeeDee looked confused.

  The boss reaper eyeballed her, up and down. “Oof. You don't look like a Bertha. Tough luck. That's quite the name. Now, where is Kevin Lee Roach, deceased. Hold on. There must be an error here. It says he's a cockroach? Which one of you jokers is playing with my form? And which one you yahoos is gonna get that gill man out of the Kelpie Kiwi?”

  The boss reaper floated off.

  Glug froze. Literally. Which is easy to do when you've merged spiritually with slushy. He hung out of the nozzle, clinging to his red squid toy.

  “We have to hide Kevin,” DeeDee whispered. “I won't let him go.”

  “Oh, I'm going.” His blue antennae and fat head rose right up out of her T-shirt.

  “What are you doing in there?”

  Apparently, I was the only one who was shocked.

  DeeDee slid her hand under her shirt and pulled out my Slim Jim ghost trap, compete with trapped ghosts. Hunter looked over the moon. He wiped his forehead and said, “Wow. I'll never forget that.”

  The bus lady harmphed and pursed her lips.

  “But, Kevin,” DeeDee said. A tear rolled down her cheeks.

  “But nothing. I'm done. I've been a roach for way too long. I've been stepped on and chewed up and spit out and sprayed with Kill Em Dead. And my roommates are dicks. I'm over it. The kid is finally ready. He can do the job. You two will be just fine without me. I can move on in peace.”

  DeeDee descended into tears. Seriously. She parachuted immediately into ugly cry territory.

  “Don't worry about me. Where I'm going, it'll be Jamaica every day,” he said. “So quit the crying. We'll see each other again on the other side. When you get there, first pina colada is on me.”

  She nodded.

  She held out the trap, and a red reaper floated up to take it from her. And that's how it went. The big boss red reaper checked his list twice, like a death Santa Claus, accounting for every soul. One by one, the reapers shuttled the souls out the front door, off to their final destination, which clearly lie somewhere at the end of the handicapped parking spots, because that is where each soul vanished.

  The cookie scout went first. She gave me a hug. “I'm sorry, fat guy.” Her cold little ghost arms squeezed me tight. I felt a stabbing in my heart over the pain I'd caused her. Sure, she tried to kill me, but dude. I didn't know she was a little kid! Just when I was feeling sentimental, she dug her saddle shoe right into my Puma.

  “OW!” I hopped around, holding my throbbing toes. “What was that for?”

  “You ate all my cookies, and you didn't pay. If I'd sold those, I coulda gotten a pegasus patch! Now we're even.”

  That kid. She turned to her reaper, and said, “They have ice cream where I'm going, right?” And boom. That was it. She skipped across the parking lot, pigtails bouncing, right into her afterlife and didn't look back.

  DeeDee scratched Hunter behind his ghostly ear and made sure the reaper packed his red squeaky bone. And so it went. We sent those spirits to their hereafter as best we could.

  Kevin was the last to go, mostly because his designated reaper seemed confused. “Man. A roach with a soul. The guys at Head Office are never gonna believe this.”

  “Hey, kid. A word?” Kevin whispered in my ear as soon as DeeDee sunk her face into another tissue to wipe away the tears. “Take care of our girl, okay? Dying and coming back? It changes you. Trust me. And she doesn't even know she did it. Keep an eye on her, okay?”

  I looked at DeeDee, eyeliner streaking down her face.

  “Hurry up, Bonehead. I’ve got a friend to meet on the other side. Here I come, Ronnie. We got a lot to talk about.” Kevin waved at us, as the reaper carried him outside. “So long, suckers!”

  Doc stood outside by the ice machine in silence, watching Kevin's procession in a solemn salute.

  DeeDee didn't blink once, didn't look away, until Kevin got to the end of the parking spot. He waved at us one last time, and I swear, shot us four middle fingers as he disappeared into the great beyond.

  Wait. He wasn't shooting those birds at us. He shot them at a white construction van that sped into the lot and squealed to a hard stop under the sign. That van? It was Steve. His face poked out of the driver's side, squinting at Kevin.

  “Well, he said he was gonna give Steve a piece of his mind if it was the last thing he did. And he did.” DeeDee said. “I'm gonna miss that little asshole.”

  Then she laid her head on my shoulder and cried. Doc left without a word. I swear he just disappeared the second he stepped into the frayed edge where the Demon Mart neon fizzled into complete darkness.

  “That bug did naht just flip me four birds.” Steve stepped in. You should have seen the look on his face when he saw all those red reapers. And upturned racks. And holes in the fresh new linoleum he'd just repaired. His eyes were as big and round as softballs, and the veins on his neck and forehead popped and locked up and down, nearly as hard as
the zombie Earl dancing into the store behind him.

  Woah boy. Earl. He was back. Juiced up, collar on, ready to become our new on-site zombie chef.

  All Steve said—well, screamed—was “What? Yinz? IDJITS! DO?”

  Faust stepped out of the stockroom. “Ah. Stephen. Just the man I want to see. I have a confession. Initially, I questioned your judgment. The choice of species on the new cleaning crew was unconventional. But, as always, I should trust in your wisdom. Wonderful, useful creatures. Excellent work.”

  Wouldn't you know it? The cleaning crew toddled out of the chip aisle, stuffing their mouths with spicy red powdery bits, dragging an open bag of Zapp's Evil Eye behind them.

  Evil eye chips. The irony. I should have known.

  “What the hell are those?” Steve jumped. “I didn't assign you a new cleaning crew!”

  We all looked at them. Faust said, “Goodness. Then where did these fine fellows come from?”

  “They're mine.” A voice growled hot breath all over the top of my head.

  I turned around. Gulp. Bubba stood behind me. Well, I think it's Bubba. Because full moon? But it was probably Bubba, because what other werewolf would be caught dead in a very large, very stretchy set of American flag pants.

  “Those are my baby gremlins. Must have been delivered to your place by mistake. Easy to do. Addresses are almost the same. I'll send someone to get them in the morning. Right now. I'm here for this one.”

  He put a paw on my shoulder, and a rock formed in my gut. “We got a memo from upstairs about what really happened, son. The boys and I want to officially apologize and welcome you back to the gym. Stop by anytime. Oh, and here's a coupon for free flea dips for life, to thank you for taking good care of Hunter. Okay, then. I gotta go. I saw a stray cat around the corner. I need to chase it.”

  Bubba loped out the front door and across the lot. Yep. Remind me again to get a job where a werewolf running across the street actually raises eyebrows.

  Steve shook with rage, grumbled “Idjits!” along with a stream of indistinguishable expletives. Then he led zombie Earl through the stockroom door, stomping all the way to the employee lounge, so hard I was sure he was leaving dents in the floor.

  Zack floated up. “Well, we're almost done here. I can't thank you guys enough for every theeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee ng.” Cue tears. Dude. He roped me and DeeDee and Faust into a group hug so strong there was no escape. “I'll miss you guys so mu uhh uh uh uh.”

  “Can you guys take a break from the love fest and give me me a hand here?”

  We all looked and immediately regretted it. Morty stepped out of the stockroom. He was naked.

  And I mean naked, not just of human clothes. His human facade had been cut and split down the middle. Shredded. His human skin hung halfway off, dangling like a banana peel around his red horned face. But thankfully we were all spared a direct view of his junk because he had a very angry, very spoiled poltergeist Candy still stuck on it. And poltergeist Candy was like a claw-tipped harpy hopped up on super crack. Flailing, bitey, itching to get her claws in something.

  The reapers descended on Morty.

  “Watch out, boys. She's a wild one. Best night of my life! UNICORN, am I right?” He held his hand up for a high five. But no one took it. Because, ew. “Hurry, y'all. She's really on there, and it's starting to hurt.”

  “So...I guess it's safe to go pack up my stuff,” Zack said. “Although, I don't know where I'm gonna go. My girlfriend duu uuuh uuuuh mped meeeeeeee. I guess I can stay at the RMCA.”

  DeeDee whispered, “It's like the Y for reapers. Poor guy.”

  Zack floated off, crying softly to himself. And I thought of the perfect thing to cheer him up. I walked to the magic microwave portal.

  Huh. Angel eight ball sat on top. Window shattered, no water, triangle dead. Death by Yuri. I didn't know how he got there. Maybe a reaper left him here? Because he sure wasn't moving on his own. I picked him up. The triangle rattled, dead, against the plastic. And I kind of missed him. For once. “Thanks for trying to help me. I hope your audit goes okay.”

  I had a strange feeling inside. Sadness? Like maybe I missed him? Well, he'll probably pop up again. I mean, he is my guardian angel. We still have checklists to check and sin points to burn off, so he'll be back. Right?

  Right?

  I fired up the magic microwave, and in a flash, it was there. Steam rolled off my Xbox when I opened the door. Surprised? Don't be. Dude. If there's a moral to this story, it's friends don't buy friends shitty game systems. Besides, it was the least I could do.

  When I stepped out, Xbox in hand, Zack was already on the welcome mat with his bags packed. I handed him the Xbox. “This is for you.”

  “Really?” He held it in his boney hands, and as he wiped away a tear he said, “Does this one have Squirrel Gangster Shoot Out?”

  “No. But you can keep the other console, too.”

  He hugged me and squeezed. Too tight. “You're the best!”

  Suddenly, blinding white light poured through the windows, so intense I thought either the sun or a van were about to crash into us. The front doors blew off the hinges, like they'd been sucked out by a big vacuum. The ball of white light floated—and I mean floated—inside the store. And there in it, I saw a shadow. It looked like a giant bird. Wings?

  All the reapers stepped back and whispered to each other. Only Zack turned to face the light, which fizzled down, as if it was on a celestial dimmer switch. When it flipped off, a figure stood in the entry. Huge white wings outstretched. White robes with a sparkling gold chest plate of armor, holding aloft a flaming sword.

  Holy. Shit.

  It was an angel. A real fucking angel. And it was a she, and she was hot. Long black hair and holy cow, the curves. “Stand down, Yurialaempholalmodephianous! Foul reaper, this man's soul is in my care!”

  Her voice echoed so loud, it shook the ground. Then she looked at me. “Oh. Lloyd. You're alive. Where's Yuri? I owe that asshole a swift kick in the nuts.” She looked around. “Huh. I missed it. Well, that was a waste of an intervention voucher. Typical. It was feather to feather on the Celestial Forty. You Know Who really needs to add at least three more lanes. I hate commuting.”

  I stared at her perfect face and smooth skin and angelic bod. Jesus, that bod.

  “Well, Lloyd. You better watch for traffic and stray lightning bolts. We've got a huge hero's journey checklist to get through, and I just burned through your one angelic intervention.” She tapped my shoulder, and her touch felt like warmth and happiness.

  Wait. Did she say checklist? I stared at that angel as she glanced around the store. Is she? No. Can't be.

  Then, her eyes locked in on the frozen food section. “Ooh. Pizza rolls! I'm not leaving here until I try those.”

  Oh my God. It is. SHE is. My voice cracked. “Angel eight ball?”

  “Well, I would be, if Yuri didn't smash me into oblivion. You know, I should thank him. That little stunt got me moved to the expedited list at the Divine Embodiments Department. Fingers crossed for an iPhone app this time!”

  She crossed her glorious, perfect fingers.

  DeeDee leaned in and whispered, “Lucky! Your guardian angel is gorgeous. Mine was an ugly little cupid dude. Total pervert, too.”

  She shivered at the thought.

  Even Zack seemed to be wilting in angel’s presence. Who could blame him.

  Then she looked at him. Then he looked at her and waved awkwardly. “Um. Hi.”

  “Hey.” She looked at the floor. “Look. I'm sorry about what I said. About everything. Can you ever forgive me? It's not the same without you.”

  Tears streamed down Zack's cheekbones. “Baby. I can't stay mad at you.”

  “Okay,” Angel said. “But you’re doing the laundry from now on.”

  I froze. “Wait. What's happening?”

  “I think they're about to kiss and make up?” DeeDee whispered.

  “WHAT?”

  In a flash, Zack and Angel we
re on each other like mating snakes, twisting around and around each other, slurping. He rubbed his boney hands up and down her glowing angelic, hot—And I mean smoking hot, as in dad's secret-stash of 1990s Playboys level hot—body.

  “Wow. They're really going at it,” DeeDee tilted her head like she was trying to figure out how it all worked. You know, because one of them was a skeleton. “So his girlfriend is your guardian angel. I mean, what are the chances?”

  All I could squeak out was, “But Hell Report said she works in the Nobodies Division!”

  She took her tongue out of Zack's mouth long enough to look at me and say, “Yeah. But I'm trying really to hard turn you into a somebody. Momma needs a promotion. And a raise.”

  Then she licked Zack's boney face like he was the most delicious rib she had ever tasted. He picked her up. She wrapped her legs around him, and he carried her toward the stockroom.

  Holy shit. My guardian angel's going to bone the grim reaper in my zombie cooler. As Zack carried her off into the sunset, all DeeDee said was, “I hope they remember to change the sheets.”

  Chapter 25

  Dawn approached. The moon sunk below the Sinbad's sign, and ribbons of pink sunlight crawled up through the night sky. The reapers packed up and left, vanishing in red swirling clouds, one by one, until only the boss reaper remained. Well, him and Zack, who was still in the zombie cooler having marathon make-up sex with my unbelievably hot guardian angel, judging from the unholy sounds echoing in the hallway.

  The boss reaper floated to the door. “Good job, mortals. But, uh, you're gonna need to shut down until you get that big fat bug out of aisle three. We tried to move him, but he wouldn't stay conscious. He kept passing out every time he opened his eyes.”

  Aw, Bubby. Brave until he's face to face with the angel of death.

  Boss reaper pulled a yellow ribbon of celestial crime scene tape across the front door, said, “Catch you later, because we always do,” and disappeared in a snap.