Well, I better go. I did finally write Alissa and I told her that Jesus wasn’t dead. He’s very much alive! And very present in my life. I forgot to tell her all the other stuff from that verse about the plans God has for us. Maybe God had me find that verse just for me because it is really true in my life right now. I know God has a plan to give me hope and a future. All I pray is that I will keep seeking Him with all my heart.
You keep reminding me of that, okay, DSF? I’m counting on you to hold these words for me so I can come back and read them again when I need to be reminded. Okay? Thank you, my Dear Silent Friend. What would I do without you?
November 27
Dear Friend Who Happens to be Silent,
I wish you could speak up now. I need some advice. I’m starting to buy Christmas presents and I don’t know what to do. Should I buy something for Todd? I’m pretty sure I’m going to get something for Rick. But what should I get them? And is it strange to be giving gifts to two different guys? Well? Speak up!
December 21
Dear Silent Friend,
Now I’m glad you can’t speak. I need you to hold another secret for me. I saw Rick tonight and do you know what happened? He kissed me. It was quick and sort of pushy, if you know what I mean. I didn’t expect it at all.
Then I gave him the CD I bought him and he kissed me again. The second kiss was longer and I knew he was going to do it. And you know what I did? I pulled away and then it got all awkward and he said we should go back in the church gym. But it was like he was mad at me.
The worst part was that afterwards he totally ignored me. I don’t know what I should have done differently. I feel so mixed up right now. I’ve thought about kisses before, you know. I think that’s normal—to wonder what it would be like to be kissed. But I never thought seriously about kissing Rick or what it would be like for him to kiss me. And I guess I wasn’t ready. Maybe I should think this through some more before I see Rick again . . . that is, if he’s still speaking to me.
December 22
Okay, DSF,
Now all I can think about is kisses and kissing. I’m going to see Todd in a few days. What if he kisses me again like he did last summer? How many kisses do I want to give away? I’ve never thought this through before. I think kisses should mean something very special and should be given away very sparingly while I’m young. I’m 15, you know. Does that seem young to you? It does to me. At least it does today.
December 25
Christmas Day
Well, DSF,
After all these long weeks of waiting, I finally saw Todd this morning. We had breakfast on the beach, as he promised. And now I’m perplexed.
It seems that when dreams come true, they never turn out the same way you dreamed them. They twist and turn and disappoint, leaving you wanting so much more. I don’t know which to blame: The dream itself or the reality that dissolves the dream.
Surely there has never been a more noncommittal guy on the face of the earth than Todd Spencer. He spent more time skim boarding on the beach with David this morning than he spent with me. And then he took off right after we were done eating, or should I say, done eating what the sea gulls left for us! He said he was going to Shawn’s parents’ house since this is the first Christmas since Shawn died. I know that was a good thing for him to do and a good reason for him to leave, but I can barely describe to you how I felt as I sat alone by the dwindling fire, watching Todd walk away. He was supposed to have his arms around me. Instead, his arms were full of camping gear.
He didn’t even look back.
This was our dream breakfast and it was over almost before it began. I’d have to say the best word to describe what I felt is abandoned. I felt forsaken. I know God will never abandon me or forsake me. I guess friends do sometimes. Even special friends. Even Todd.
All I can say is that this week, I’ve got to find out where I stand with Todd. I need to know where our relationship is and where it’s going. This is too important to me to just let it go slipping away.
December 27
You aren’t going to be very proud of me, my Dear Silent Friend,
I played some pointless games today with my friends. The thing is, at the time, it didn’t seem like they were games or that I was doing anything I’d regret later. But now I feel awful. I wish I had this day to live over again.
You see, we all went ice-skating. And Heather told me I should try to make Todd jealous by skating with Doug. Then Doug asked me to skate and we were pretty good. And it was fun. But you should have seen the way Todd looked at us.
Then we went to eat and Todd kept giving me these puppy dog looks as if he wanted me to go sit next to him or maybe he just wanted me to see how left out he felt. I know that feeling. I’ve felt that way lots of times. I felt that way last summer when Todd took me to a concert. I thought it was just going to be the two of us and then it ended up being a whole bunch of people who were already friends and I felt so left out.
It didn’t get much better after we left the restaurant. Doug gave me his jacket before we went into the restaurant because I was so cold and then Tracy was saying how cold she was when we left, so I gave his jacket to her and she gave me the strangest look. Then I figured it out. She didn’t want Doug’s jacket. She wanted Doug to put his arm around her!
Tracy likes Doug!!!!!
I didn’t see it before but it makes sense now. When she and I were making cookies the other day she said she was going to give some to a guy she liked but she wouldn’t tell me who he was. Now I know. It was Doug! And I spent the whole day skating and everything with Doug and she must have been so jealous.
I have a headache thinking about all this. How am I going to patch things up so we can all be friends again? I’m only staying here at the beach at my aunt and uncle’s house for the rest of this week and then I go back home to Escondido. And I’m not looking forward to going to school after Christmas vacation and running into Rick.
Why does life have to be so complicated?
December 28
I’m back, DSF.
And as if that last entry wasn’t enough to keep me tossing and turning all night, guess who sent me a letter here at my aunt and uncle’s house?
Alissa.
She said she lost my address in Escondido. And that’s not all she said. She told me she’s pregnant. My hand is shaking as I write this. She’s pregnant. I still can’t believe it. I started crying so hard when I read her letter. She asked me to pray for her and I did. A lot. I fell asleep for a while and now it’s the middle of the night and very quiet. I think I woke up because there’s so much on my mind. My body fell asleep, but my mind didn’t. It kept going and going until all my wild dreams woke me up.
The only good thing I can think of right now is that Alissa said she thought about having an abortion, but then changed her mind because a friend of hers had one a few years ago and then wished she hadn’t. Alissa said she’d probably have the baby and then put it up for adoption. I pray that’s what she does. Alissa also said she went to a Crisis Pregnancy Center and the counselor there gave her a Bible. I pray she reads that Bible until the words break through into that secret place in her heart. God’s words are like rays of light. They can slip through the tiniest opening and make all the darkness instantly disappear.
I know that’s true for Alissa but it’s also true for me and my problems with my friends. Although my problems seem like nothing compared to what Alissa is going through. Her dad is dead and her mom is an alcoholic. She doesn’t have any brothers or sisters. What would I be like if I were in her situation or if I’d been through all the things she’s been through?
Oh, Dear Father God, please be extra close to Alissa right now. Shine Your light into the hurt and darkness in her life and make it so that she can see You and call out to You and trust in You. Please break through the powers of darkness
that have a chain around the secret place in her heart. Break through and shine Your light there. I want her to come to know You. Amen.
December 29
DSF,
Today was one of those battles with my controlling aunt when she took me shopping and wanted me to get my hair cut again like she talked me into doing last summer. I didn’t get it cut. Then my aunt and I got into an argument at the restaurant when she said she thought Alissa was so perfect and she thought I should try to be more like Alissa. I blurted out that Alissa was pregnant and asked my aunt if that’s what she wanted for me, too. She got SOOOO mad! But that’s another story.
What I wanted to write down were the words to this song I kept singing over and over in my head, like a prayer when we were at the hair salon. Here are the words:
Touch this heart, so full of pain,
Heal it with Your love.
Make it soft and warm again,
Melt me with your love.
I don’t want to push You away,
Come back in
Come to stay.
Make me tender, just like You.
Melt me with Your love.
I wish I could be soft and tender all the time. Oh, and I should tell you what happened after we got back from shopping. Doug was here at my aunt and uncle’s and he said my hair smelled like green apples. Then he leaned over in the front of my aunt and uncle’s house to smell my hair, and at that exact moment, Todd went driving by in his old VW bus!!! I’m pretty sure he saw us. I wish Todd would have stopped. Then he would have seen there’s nothing going on between me and Doug, really. I’m sure it didn’t look that way just driving by.
If Todd stopped, then he would’ve heard Doug tell me he was going to take Tracy out. I was really happy about that because she likes him and if Todd finds out that Doug is going out with Tracy then he won’t think I was trying to get Doug interested in me while we were ice-skating.
January 1
Happy New Year, Dear Silent Friend!!
What a New Year’s Eve I had last night! Where do I begin? First, my aunt tried to surprise me and invited Todd to come to their house for a fancy New Year’s Eve dinner. I didn’t know he was there so when I walked downstairs and heard someone playing the mandolin in the living room, I thought my aunt had hired someone to play music while we ate. I know, that sounds crazy, but if you knew my aunt, that’s exactly the kind of thing she would do.
When I saw that it was Todd I almost screamed! He told me earlier he had plans for the evening and I thought he was going out with another girl. I never guessed the plans were with me!
After the fancy dinner, we went to Heather’s house for the party and on the way I told Todd about Alissa and the baby. He’s sure that the baby is Shawn’s, which shocked me. I hadn’t tried to figure out who the father was.
Then Todd said the most amazing thing. He said that even though what Shawn and Alissa did was wrong, they created a human life and that life had something that was going to last forever—a soul. And then he said, “Even angels can’t do that.” That really stunned me when I thought about it later. I will never think of people the same way again. Every human has a soul. And every soul will last forever. Where that soul spends eternity depends on how they choose to respond to God. I’m still amazed by that thought.
But anyway, I have something else to tell you. When Todd and I left the party, we were driving back to my aunt and uncle’s in Gus. (I told you about Gus, didn’t I? Gus the Bus? Todd’s old VW van?) We finally got to talk about “us” and we both were saying that we wanted to be the kind of friends who were friends forever and then Todd stopped at this intersection. He pulled me out of the van and when we stood in from of the headlights, I realized it was “our” intersection! The place where we stood last summer when he kissed me good-bye when I was leaving to go back home to Wisconsin.
I was laughing and telling him this was crazy and then he gave me this bracelet! It’s so beautiful. I love it! It’s a gold ID bracelet with the word “Forever” engraved on it. That’s when he told me that no matter what happened in the future, we would always be friends forever.
I’m smiling so big right now. I’ve never felt like this before in my whole life. And I think part of the reason is because I feel as if this bracelet represents more than just Todd and my forever friendship with him. Every time I look at this bracelet, it will remind me of the eternal part of me that’s going to go on forever. My heart and soul belong to God and I am His forever!
January 14
Dear SF,
Do you know what today is? It’s Todd’s birthday. I know. I didn’t know it either. I can’t believe I never asked him when his birthday was. I feel really bad because I didn’t get him a card or anything. I found out it was his birthday because Doug called and said they were going to have a party for him over at Tracy’s and he asked if I could go up to Newport Beach for the party. It’s an hour and a half drive to my aunt and uncle’s house, which is near Tracy and Doug and Todd. I was so upset because I couldn’t work out any way of getting up there and my aunt and uncle are going away this weekend so I’d have to stay at Tracy’s and my mom didn’t think that was a good idea. So I’m not going.
My parents let me call Todd and talk to him for a long time after school today. I spent the first ten minutes apologizing. Todd, in his usual ultra-casual way kept telling me to not worry about it. I told him I hoped we could see each other again soon and he said he might be able to come down here next weekend. I sure hope it works out! If he comes, maybe I can bake a belated birthday cake for him or give him a present then. But what? Guys are so hard to buy for.
Remember when I didn’t know what to get for Rick or Todd for Christmas? Well Rick has done a good job of avoiding me lately. I think he’s going out with one of the cheerleaders.
February 19
Dear Silent Friend,
You know how some people have a bad Valentine’s Day? Well, I’ve had a bad Valentine’s week! Katie talked me into making a Valentine for Todd. Have I told you about Katie? She’s my closest friend now and she’s a lot of fun. She usually has great ideas. Except for this Valentine idea.
Should I tell you? Okay, but don’t mock me. I’ve had enough humiliation for one week. I wanted to get something nice for Todd to make up for not getting him anything for his birthday. Katie convinced me to write Todd a little message from those sugar candy hearts that have the words on them. I glued candy hearts all over the top of this little box. The messages on the hearts formed a sentence. It said, “Be True,” “My Pal,” “Call Me,” “Can’t Wait,” “Your Gal.”
I know. It sounds really silly, but they don’t give you a whole lot to work with on those hearts. Just a few words.
I wrapped it up in red and white heart tissue paper and put it in a box and sent it off to Todd a week before Valentine’s Day.
So do you think “My Pal” called me? No. I waited all Valentine’s Day for a call. No call. I didn’t expect him to send me a card. But I thought maybe he’d call. I waited five days for him to call and got more and more depressed each day.
Today I was over at Katie’s and she convinced me to call him. I haven’t heard from him in two weeks and with Todd, unless he calls me I have no way of knowing if he was just busy or if he was unconscious in some hospital somewhere.
So I called, and he answered on the second ring. He acted like nothing was wrong. He talked about how the waves were up for the winter swell and how he went surfing this morning. After about four minutes I finally asked if he got my Valentine’s present and he said, ‘“Yeah, but why didn’t you just put the candy hearts inside the box? I had to peel off the glue before I ate them.”
I practically screamed in the phone at him! You should have seen my face! Katie was fanning me as if she thought I was going to pass out. I must have gotten pretty red.
Can y
ou see why I said it was a disaster of a Valentine’s Day? No cards. No call. And Todd ATE my secret message!
Now Katie is telling me I need to think of a better idea for an Easter present for Todd and I’m telling her I’m not in the mood to lay any more eggs, decorated or not!
March 28
Don’t have much time, DSF,
But wanted to write down the words to a song I heard today before I forget it. I don’t remember all the words, but here’s part of the song:
You never gave up on me
Your arms are still open
Waiting for me
So here I come,
I got your invitation
Here I come
No more hesitation
Here I come
Back to your heart again.
It has a really pretty tune. It made me think of God and how He’s always waiting for me with open arms. He’s my Valentine every day of the year.
By the way, it’s a week until Easter and I decided not to send anything to Todd. He’s been calling me a little more often and I think he might come down here to Escondido to see me during Easter vacation. But it’s an hour and a half drive each way. I don’t know if ole Gus is able to come this far.
I’ve begun to realize that this really, truly is a friendship with Todd. It’s not a boyfriend/girlfriend thing, even though he gave me the bracelet and kissed me and everything.
Christy Miller's Diary Page 2
