In some ways I wish he hadn’t kissed me because that makes me think it’s more of a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship. But his kisses, both times—when he gave me the flowers and when he gave me the bracelet—have been short and sweet and not like a mushy movie kind of grab-her-and-kiss-her-good kind of kiss. And they weren’t pushy kisses like Rick’s two kisses were.
I wonder what kisses mean to Todd? I think they mean something different to him than they do to Rick. Maybe I’m making more of all this than I should. Todd’s and my relationship, or should I say friendship, is so eternally knit together and at the same time it’s held really loosely. I can’t figure it out.
Oh well. I’ve gotta fly. My dad is taking us out to dinner for my mom’s birthday and I think everyone is about ready to go.
April 10
Dear Silent Friend,
I haven’t told you yet but I’m going to try out for cheerleading. I’ve been swamped with school stuff and church activities and now cheerleading practice. I talked to Todd about it and he thinks if I do this, I should do it for the Lord because if I become a cheerleader, I’ll have an audience. People will be watching me and watching how I react in certain situations. Maybe I should pray more about this.
Lord, I want to do this cheerleading thing for You. I know Todd’s right—that if I become a cheerleader, people will look up to me and respect me. That will give me a better chance to tell them that I’m a Christian and maybe invite them to church or something. I just want whatever is best, and I want to be a good example to others.
I talked to Rick after school today. He was so sweet. Sometimes that guy can say just the right thing. For several months I hardly ever saw him. Now he’s being super friendly again. I was getting discouraged about trying out for cheerleading but he convinced me I should give it my best try. He said I have “killer eyes” and that it’s because of my innocence.
I told him he makes me feel like Play-Doh and then he hugged me right when Renee, my major rival for cheerleader walked by. At cheerleading practice Renee kept giving me the dirtiest looks. I know Renee would love it if I dropped out. But I’m not going to. Not now. I’m committed.
Katie hasn’t been as supportive of all this as I thought she’d be, but then all she’s talked about lately is who is going to the prom with whom and so there’s not much point in talking to her about anything else. I wonder if Todd is thinking about asking me to his prom. He’s a senior and all seniors go to their prom, don’t they?
April 13
My Dearest Silent Friend,
Earlier tonight I thought about writing to you about this enchanted spring evening. I really, really thought tonight was going to be a memory I’d always save in my “Todd” scrapbook of memories. And I guess I will, but not for the reasons I thought I was going to.
When Todd came for dinner tonight, he asked if we could go for a walk. We went for ice cream and on the way he held my hand and recited some verses to me from I Corinthians 13. The verses were about love and I thought he and I were having about the most romantic evening in the whole world.
Then we got to the ice cream parlor and everything went crazy. Katie came in and told me she told Rick I was going to ask him to the prom and then Rick came in and he and Todd “met” by bumping into each other. Rick didn’t realize I was with Todd so he came over and sat by me, like he was waiting for me to start talking to him as if we already had plans to go to the prom and then Todd came back and oh, man. What a disaster!
Todd and I walked home, and we had this sort of argumentish discussion and I started crying. I apologized later and Todd said I didn’t need to apologize. Then, just when I thought everything was clearing up and going back to being cozy between Todd and me again, he told me he’s going to the prom with a girl from his school named Jasmine!
I’m crying again, now. Sorry if my tears are getting your pages wet.
About an hour ago everyone else went to bed. It’s been painfully quiet around here. I took off my Forever bracelet and I buried it along with all my romantic feelings for Todd. I put it in with all the dead carnation petals from that first bouquet he gave me. You know how I told you I’ve been keeping them in an old Folgers coffee can? Well, now the brown carnations and the bracelet are both buried in the deepest corner of my closet.
If I could only bury my feelings as easily so I could get some sleep. I can’t sleep at all. I can’t stop crying, either. I sure don’t feel like praying right now. Oh, DSF. Do you have any idea how deep this hurt is?
May 2
I haven’t paid you a visit for quite some time, have I, DSF?
I just read that part I wrote about how I wanted to become a cheerleader for God, but above all, to pursue this cheerleading dream so I could be a good example of a Christian. Well, that’s sure been a lot harder than I thought it was going to be. And it seems like I ended up doing it more for me than for God.
But I won! I’m on the squad. And since I am a cheerleader, Lord, I’m going to do it for You now. I’m going to let all the girls on the squad know that I’m a Christian. I’m going to be a good example of You to them and the whole school.
May 18
DSF,
Since that last entry so much has happened. I gave up my cheerleading spot for Teri since she’s going to be a senior next year and I’m only going to be a junior. Teri deserved to be on the squad. I know she would have won instead of me if she hadn’t twisted her ankle at tryouts.
Todd surprised me by coming to the assembly where they announced next year’s squad and he showed me pictures from his prom. Jasmine was in a car accident awhile ago and now she’s permanently in a wheelchair. What actually happened was that Todd took her to dinner with their friends, but they didn’t go to the dance. Jasmine looked so happy in that photo. I was ashamed of myself for being so jealous and so mad at Todd.
I’m glad he took Jasmine. I’m glad I didn’t go to the prom at my school, either. Katie went with Lance and had an okay time until she ended up coming home by herself, which was pretty low of Lance to send her off like that while he stayed.
Anyway, I think things got sort of smoothed over with Rick after the whole prom mix-up. He’s speaking to me, at least.
June 6
Hello, DSF!
This Thursday is the last day of school and Katie and I are going to have a party here at my house with just the two of us to celebrate. It’s been quite a year. I can’t believe how fast it went. I’m more ready for summer vacation than I’ve ever been before in my life!
July 5
Hello, DSF.
How are you? I’m happy. I’m having a great summer, so far. We celebrated the Fourth of July at my aunt and uncle’s yesterday. Todd was there and we went for a long walk together on the beach at sunset. My brother and my mom came with us, but it was still fun and kind of romantic, even though we didn’t hold hands or anything.
Todd is going to Hawai’i in three weeks with my uncle which I think is totally unfair. Oh, sure, he has to help paint Bob’s two condos, but he’ll still have plenty of time for fun. And three long weeks of it!
Paula, my old friend from Wisconsin, is coming to stay with me for two weeks while they’re in Hawai’i so I can’t exactly complain too much. I’m looking forward to seeing Paula, but I’m pretty nervous about it, too. We haven’t seen each other in a year and if Paula has changed at all like I’ve changed in the last year, then it will probably seem like two strangers trying to start all over becoming friends. Paula will be here for my sixteenth birthday on July 27th, but Todd won’t be.
Sigh.
Seems like I never can have everything the way I want it.
Oh, P.S. Katie took her driver’s license test today and she missed one too many on the written part so she has to go back and take the written again tomorrow. Then she’ll probably have to wait a week or so before she can take the driving part. I’m halfway t
hrough driver’s training summer school classes and my dad’s been taking me practice driving. He makes me sooooo nervous! I’ll be glad when driver’s training is over but then I’ll be really nervous about taking my driver’s test. Especially since Katie said her brother said it was easy and then she didn’t pass it.
Well, one worry at a time. And right now my next worry is getting ready to go babysit. I’m glad I keep getting asked to babysit for these three families who call me all the time, because I really need the money. But the last time I sat for this little boy he was such a brat. He wouldn’t mind me at all. I hope he’s better this time!
July 27
Hold this for me, DSF,
Dear Future Husband,
I turned sixteen today, and I know it may seem weird writing this to you now, but this letter is sort of my way of making a promise to you in writing.
Maybe I already know you, or maybe we haven’t met yet. Either way, I want to save myself for you. I want my whole self, my heart and body and everything, to be a present I’ll give you on our wedding day.
I don’t care how long it takes or how hard it gets, but I promise you I won’t let anybody else “unwrap” me, so on our wedding night I’ll be the kind of gift you’ll be happy to receive.
I know I have a lot of years ahead of me before we get married, whoever you are. That’s why I want to make this promise now, so that no matter whom I go out with, I’ll always think of myself as a present I want to give to you alone one day.
I also want to start to pray for you, wherever you are, whoever you are, that God will be preparing you for me and that you’ll save all of yourself for me too.
I already love you.
Your future wife, Christina Juliet Miller
August 10
Aloha, DSF!
I wrote that letter to my future husband when we were in Hawai’i. My aunt surprised us after we picked up Paula from the airport and said we were all going to Maui to spend the week with Uncle Bob and Todd. It was a dream come true, but even before we left I found myself wishing Katie was coming with me instead of Paula because Katie and I have gotten so close this past year. Paula and I tried to pick up where we left off in our friendship but we’d both changed so much. Then when we got there, Paula seemed set on capturing all of Todd’s attention, which made me furious.
On my birthday we went swimming in this cove where we could snorkel and see lots of fish. I loved it! Todd came swimming out to my raft, and we talked and it was like nothing had changed between us just because Paula was flirting with him.
That was my favorite part of my birthday because the morning was a disaster and the luau and hula show with everyone that evening wasn’t exactly my idea of a good time. I mean, it was a good time, but I would have been just as happy walking barefoot along the beach holding hands with Todd. At the luau they had us go up on the stage and dance the hula and it was so embarrassing.
August 11
Aloha, again, DSF!
I had to go to the grocery store with my mom so I had to stop writing that last entry before I told you everything about Hawai’i. It’s after 11:00 pm now and everyone else is asleep. I like summer nights like this when it’s warm and quiet. My window is open and I can hear the nocturnal critters out there making all their happy summer night sounds. There’s one cricket or frog or something that keeps making this one high note over and over. Maybe it’s a bird. Anyway, my window is open and I can smell the jasmine from the front of the house. It’s so sweet! I’d love to stay up all night on a night like this.
Now, on to the rest of the Maui trip.
The big adventure of the week was when we went to Hana and then on to some waterfalls and pools where we went swimming. Todd jumped off this bridge—his bridge. When he was a kid he went camping with his dad in that part of Maui and his dad jumped off the bridge into the pool of water below but Todd didn’t jump. He decided he wanted to jump now and he did.
Later, Todd called it “our” bridge. He gave me a poster of the bridge for my birthday because it was a place that had good memories for him. Now it has good memories for both of us. I have the poster up in my room right now. I had to drive over the bridge because Todd was stung by a bee and his foot swelled horribly. He’s allergic to bee stings and he had to give himself a shot but it still took a long time for the swelling to go down, so he couldn’t drive the jeep and it was starting to get dark. Paula couldn’t drive because she didn’t have her glasses with her and so it was up to me to drive.
And I did it. I overcame my fears of driving and it became a forever kind of moment for me and Todd. I’m sure I’ll always remember that day because so much happened. But when I think about it now, what I remember most is the way Hana smelled after it rained. It was a warm, earthy, freshly-washed kind of smell. I can’t explain it but I miss that smell. I miss the sound of the palm trees when the wind rushes through them. I miss the fragrance of the white plumeria flowers and the sound of the ocean taking deep, long sighs and then letting them out on the shore. I miss Maui. I want to go back.
September 19
I have a job! What do you think of that, DSF?
My first job.
And it was such an easy interview. Can you guess where I’m working? The pet store at the mall. It was Katie’s suggestion. She said that since I used to live on a farm, I should get a job with animals. The thing I didn’t tell Katie, or my new boss, Jon, is that I’m not particularly crazy about animals. I mean, I like them and everything, but I never was one of those girls who had her room covered with posters of horses. And when we had pets back in Wisconsin, they were just “around.” I never had one precious, favorite pet that stayed in my room or anything.
The most embarrassing part of my interview at the pet store was that my dad took me and he stayed there, acting like he was a customer or something. The only problem was he didn’t act like a customer. He kept looking at me while I was filling out the papers and he walked over closer when Jon started asking me questions.
The worst part was that my dad was wearing his overalls from the dairy where he works. He looked really out of place at the mall. It was embarrassing being with him, but at the same time, I was really glad he was there. I love my dad the way he is. Truly. It’s a strange thing. I feel embarrassed being with him at times, but I wouldn’t want him to change a bit because he’s my dad. It’s the same way with my mom. I wonder if anyone else ever feels this way about their parents.
September 20
DSF, I have a headache.
I think I got it from Rick. Is it possible to get a headache from a guy? There’s so much I haven’t told you about what’s been happening with Rick. I guess I didn’t want to write to you about him because I haven’t exactly figured out what’s going on and I thought if I tried to write about everything, I’d just fill pages and pages of craziness.
So instead of long ramblings, here’s what I know:
1) Rick likes me. That’s a nice thing. I like the fact that he likes me and he’s acted like he’s been interested in me for a long time.
2) I like the way Rick makes me feel. It’s different than what I’ve felt with any other guy. I can’t explain it except to say that Rick makes me feel like I want to make myself a better person for him.
3) I don’t like whatever it is that’s happening between me and Rick right now. I don’t know what to do with all the feelings. I think the only thing to do is keep going and try to be wise.
September 26
Did I say “wise” last time I wrote to you, DSF?
I guess I did. I think I’ve been wise with Rick. The thing nobody ever tells you is that “wise” might be good and right and the best way to go but it can also bring an immense amount of pain.
Rick is a thief. There. I said it. He stole my Forever bracelet that Todd gave me and he traded it at a jewelry store for a clunky silver one w
ith his name engraved on it. When I figured that out today, and he finally admitted it, I told him I couldn’t go out with him anymore. It was the hugest, most agonizing scene you could imagine. I still can’t believe what happened. And it hurts so much. I would sit here and tell you all the gory details, but I’m too exhausted right now. Besides, I don’t think I’ll have to record this day in order to remember it the rest of my life. If anything, I wish I could erase this day.
September 27
Dear SF,
I read a poem out loud in class today and it was as if this poet, Christina Rossetti, knew me and knew all about what had been happening in my life these past few weeks. The amazing part is that she lived over 150 years ago in London and yet she expressed exactly what I felt. It made me think of how it doesn’t matter when or where we live, women are the same everywhere and in every generation. We all share the same kinds of hopes and dreams and fears and hurts.
It’s kind of long, but it’s really good. Here’s Christina’s poem, “Twice.” (And isn’t it interesting that we even share the same first name? I’m definitely going to look her up in heaven!)
I took my heart in my hand
(O my love, O my love),
I said: Let me fall or stand,
Let me live or die,
But this once hear me speak—
(O my love, O my love)—
Yet a woman’s words are weak;
You should speak, not I.
You took my heart in your hand
With a friendly smile,
With a critical eye you scanned,
Then set it down,
Christy Miller's Diary Page 3
