I don’t really want to say this, but it’s been soooo stressful with Todd. I didn’t think it would be like this. He’s being more quiet than usual. Or maybe I’ve forgotten how quiet he can be. I tell stories about school and the orphanage and he just sits there and listens without making any comments. It makes it feel as if Switzerland is completely my experience and he’s unattached to it in any way.
Katie has been the opposite. She’s like my mom in that she thinks she has to talk nonstop to bring me up to speed on every single thing that has happened since I left. And some of it doesn’t interest me at all. Is it rude to say that? Katie’s most exciting news is that she applied to Rancho Corona College and she’s going to start in January. I’m really happy for her. I think it will be a wonderful opportunity for her.
Todd and I have plans to go to the mountains tomorrow. My brother wants to come, of course, and Katie heard us talking about it and volunteered to get a group together. Todd told both of them, “This is a day for just me and Christy.”
David and Katie were both upset, but I’m eager to spend some time alone with Todd since we’ve been with people the whole time . . . but I don’t like people being mad at me.
December 29
Our snow day was a disaster, DSF!
Todd and I tried to get away this morning to go up to the mountains and dear old Gus broke down about forty miles from my house. We spent the day waiting for a tow truck, then sitting in an automotive repair shop for almost five hours while they replaced the generator. Or was it the starter? I don’t know. But Gus is back on the road now and Todd and I made new plans. We were going to go to the movies, but we ended up sitting in Gus in the parking lot talking and missed the start time.
We told each other how we felt and how difficult it was to be so far apart. I told Todd I thought this trip home was a mistake. It’s too hard to adjust to the way things are here and know that I’m going back to Switzerland in a few days. He said he’d been trying to figure out how he could come to Switzerland so we could be closer to each other. Nothing was working out, so he decided he needed to let it go and not try to force something. Then he said all we could do was let this season be what it is and enjoy it.
I agreed. Although I can’t exactly say I’m enjoying this time with him the way I thought I would. When he kissed me tonight, it almost felt like he was just kissing me as part of our routine and not because it was deeply heartfelt. I think he’s trying really hard to guard all his emotions. I still think this trip home was a mistake. I don’t belong here. Not now. My heart is so torn.
January 28
It’s cold, DSF.
The heater in our dorm room has been going on and off all week. We have three inches of snow on the ground outside, which makes this part of the Black Forest look especially enchanting. I have on several layers of clothes and am under my covers and my nose is still cold!
You know, I’ve done so much writing on my laptop, that writing on your pages with a pen is sort of refreshing. It’s a little slower and more calming.
February 2
Not much to report, DSF,
I spend a lot of time doing emails and spend the rest of my time writing papers. Life has become a pleasant routine again here at school. After all the time I spent with Todd at Christmas the guarded feeling between us didn’t go away. I still feel it now in our letters and calls. I had a much better feeling in the fall about our relationship going into a season of “planting.” At Christmas it felt as if I’d turned over dry earth to check on all the seedlings I’d planted and they all looked lifeless.
April 4
Hello, my DSF,
I’ve been thinking about that analogy about the seeds that I wrote in my last entry. It’s been a little over two months since I wrote that. The pace around here has left little time for reflecting. We have a little break today and I went for a hike up in the hills where Sierra and I went with Alex when I was visiting the school last summer.
I went with five other students from school. We’ve all become good buddies. We’re sort of the group of leftovers after so many others paired up with boyfriends and girlfriends during the first half of the year. Julia, my friend from the Netherlands was in our group, but about four weeks ago she and a Canadian guy from our group decided they were more than just friends and they started doing things as a couple. So the unattached ones are dwindling in number. I’m glad I haven’t been interested in any guys here. It makes for such an intense relationship knowing that school is about to end and then what will happen?
Anyway, on our walk today the countryside was breathtaking. The snow is all gone. They say it all melted early this year. And now the wildflowers are sprouting everywhere.
It’s so beautiful!
I picked a bunch of little yellow flowers and lacy white ones and a few blue ones. I wish I knew their names. Tatiana teased me and said, “You don’t know their names? I do. That’s Marie and this one is Peter.” She’s so funny. She reminds me of Katie—only with a South African accent. She’s one of the few Christians here and we’ve been going to church together since last November. It’s a very small church in the Black Forest about ten minutes’ walk from the dorm. The service is in English at 8:30 am, which is why Tatiana and I go there. The congregation is a unique mix of English-speaking people of varied ages. The minister is from Wales and I love his accent.
Back to my story about the seedlings and feeling like I’d dug them up when I saw Todd at Christmas. I realized that if I’d taken this walk into the hills last December and if I’d turned up the earth, I would not have found these delicate blue, yellow, and white wildflowers hiding there. I would have found seeds. Tiny seeds, I’m sure. And they would have looked lifeless. It takes time and the miracle of God’s resurrection power to bring anything back to life, including seeds and including my deep feelings for Todd.
It’s not exactly like my deep feelings for him are all dead. It’s more like they’re buried for a season. That helps me understand why things didn’t feel all bright and colorful and lively between us at Christmas. What we seemed to both be feeling was accurate for that season of our lives.
I feel so much better putting our relationship in that perspective. And glad I wrote it out so I can come back here and look at this when I feel confused again, which I’m sure I will.
April 5
This is so cool, DSF!
You know how yesterday I wrote all that stuff about understanding that seeds look lifeless when they’re in the dormant season and how that’s what it felt like with Todd at Christmas? Well, you’ll never guess what the message was at church this morning! It was from John 12:23-28. The pastor was speaking about how, during holy week, between Palm Sunday and Easter, Christ tried to prepare the disciples for his death. (Palm Sunday is next week.) Jesus told them, “I tell you the truth, unless a kernel of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it remains only a single seed. But if it dies, it produces many seeds.”
I never noticed those verses before! It was so clear that this is God’s design in many areas. Seeds have to die before they sprout and produce a bountiful harvest. Christ had to die before God could raise Him from the dead and multiply that resurrection power in the lives of believers over and over for thousands of years.
At the risk of overly spiritualizing my relationship with Todd (which, by the way, is something he has done since the day I met him so maybe it’s okay if I do it every so often), in some ways our relationship had to die in order for God to demonstrate His resurrection power and bring new life. What I now understand is that when God brings new life, it’s supposed to bring an abundant harvest. The one seed is designed to multiply its life, after it dies to itself and is resurrected.
I’m not explaining this very well, but I understand it. Deep in the sacred caverns of my heart, I understand this. My life is not to be lived just to benefit myself or even to please one other per
son. When I die to myself and all that I consider precious or essential to my happiness, then God brings new life and when He does, it’s multiplied in order to reach many.
I wish I could explain this better. I finally understand what it is that I’m supposed to do with my life. My heart’s desire is to die to myself and live to serve Christ so that He can multiply the results. It’s like the last part of verse 26—”My Father will honor the one who serves me.”
April 29
My DSF,
I’ve been doing some more thinking about Todd. (Nothing new there, right?) Well, the thing I realized about how I’ve changed since I’ve been here is that this is the first time that Todd and I have been apart and I haven’t even been interested in spending time with any of the guys here. Does that mean I’m more secure or stable or something? Could it mean what I feel deep down for Todd is really lasting and true?
He said something at Christmas that I didn’t understand at the time, but now I think I do. He asked if I had made any close friends here like Doug or Matt or even like Rick. I said no, I hadn’t and he looked at me as if he was trying to decide if he should believe me.
I can see now why he asked that. Every time he left I ended up turning to another guy. This time I’m the one who left and I think he assumed I’d be looking for some attention from a guy during this stretch of time since he wasn’t around. The thing is, I’m learning how to be content and let this season be what it is.
May 6
Hello, Dear SF,
These past two weeks at the orphanage have been very difficult. About a fourth of the children were transferred to another center in Austria. They transferred the healthy ones who stand a good chance of being adopted. The others stayed. More than fifty new children are expected to arrive next week from Romania. This is so painful to watch. All these young hearts so eager and willing to love and be loved.
They put all the children who were leaving into one of the playrooms. I was assigned to watch over them while the orphanage staff made the final arrangements and gathered their belongings.
You know what I did? I blessed each child. I went to each one, placed my hand on their forehead and gave them the blessing Todd gave me years ago. I looked up this blessing in my Bible once. It’s in Numbers 6:24. It’s different there than the way Todd said it to me. I seem to remember Todd’s version so this is what I said,
“May the Lord bless you and keep you.
The Lord make His face to shine upon you
and give you his peace.
And may you always love Jesus first,
above all else.”
Very few of them speak English. They had no idea what I was doing. But do you know that after I blessed the first two children and kissed them on the cheek, the others silently lined up, waiting for a blessing and a kiss.
All I could think of was when the disciples tried to send the children away and Jesus stopped them and said, “Let the little children come to me . . . for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these.”
Oh, wow! I just looked up the reference for that verse. It’s in Mark 10:14. And do you want to know what verse 16 says? I couldn’t believe it. It says, “And he took the children in his arms, put his hands on them and blessed them.” Jesus blessed them! He hugged them! That’s what I did today, too. It felt like such a tiny gift to give them as they left, but it’s what I had in my heart to give. I did the same thing for those orphans today that Jesus did for the children who were being sent away from him 2000 years ago. Amazing!
May 14
Have you noticed, DSF?
I have only three more weeks of classes and then there’s a break for almost a month before the summer session begins. I’ve decided to stay through the summer session because I can gain more transferable credits than I could if I went home and went to summer school there.
I’ve applied to Rancho Corona for the fall. Katie is already there this semester, and she’s loving it. She said Sierra and some of her friends came to Rancho with Sierra’s brother in order to visit the campus and decide if they want to go there in the fall, too. It’s possible that Katie and Todd and Sierra and I will all be at the same school at the same time! Isn’t that wild? I never would have imagined that.
I don’t know what I’m going to do for my term break before summer session. I’d like to travel around, but I haven’t yet made plans with any of the other students here. I guess I could travel by myself and just go visit a dozen of my friends from school since they live all over Europe. But I don’t like traveling by myself very much. I did it that one time from England to Spain and that wasn’t my favorite experience. It was good, but it was pretty faith stretching, too. The best part was the end of the journey when I saw Todd.
May 18
DSF,
I’m so bummed out. I got a “D” on one of my papers for my Critical Analysis class. It’s been my least favorite class here and I don’t even think they have the same kind of class in the U.S. I didn’t work very hard on it. It was only two pages, but it’s the first “D” I’ve gotten here. I could write it over and the professor said he’d average the new grade with the “D,” but I don’t have time to work on it because all my other papers and projects for all my other classes are due in the next three weeks. Then we have a week of finals and then I’m done until the summer session.
May 19
Guess what, Dear Silent One?!
You’ll never guess. I’m going to travel around Europe for three weeks during my break. And guess who I’m going with? No, not anyone from here. Give up? Katie and Todd!
Can you believe it?! My aunt once again is delighting in playing the role of the wealthy fairy godmother. She emailed me about my plans for my break and I said I hadn’t worked on making any arrangements yet because I’ve been so overwhelmed with all my final projects, plus we have more children at the orphanage than we’ve had the whole time I’ve been here.
So, dear Aunt Marti emails me back and says, “Don’t make any plans. All has been arranged.” I thought she was going to buy me a ticket to fly home for a month the way she did at Christmas and I was going to tell her no thanks. It was hard at Christmas to step in and out of my life here into my old life. I certainly didn’t think I wanted to do it again when I only had the summer session and then I’d be home for good.
Then I got this screaming email from Katie. And I do mean screaming! She wrote the whole email in capital letters so it “sounded” as if she was shouting at me the whole time! Her email let me know that Marti’s surprise wasn’t a ticket for me to come home, but rather two tickets to Switzerland—one for Katie and one for Todd. Of course when I emailed Marti to thank her, she was so upset that Katie spoiled all the fun of her surprise.
I called my parents and talked it through with them and they’re fine with the arrangements as long as the three of us are traveling together the whole time. They don’t want Todd and me to go off by ourselves for any reason, but they said they trust him and they trust me. My mom got kind of choked up when she said that I was old enough to make my own important decisions and travel around and she was proud of all that I’d accomplished this year.
Todd called yesterday and he sounded really excited about the trip. Of course, he’d like to go back to Spain. Katie wants to go to Norway and I decided that more than anything, I’d like to see all that I can see of Italy. It’s been a cold winter and spring and I like the thought of being in sunny Italy.
Who knows if we’ll come up with a compatible plan before they both arrive here on the 6th of June. I checked out some maps and travel books from the library this afternoon. It’s going to be very difficult to concentrate on my studies while those travel books are sitting in the corner calling to me.
June 5
Our last page, Dear Silent Friend,
I’m so sad that we’re on the last page. You have been my Dear Sil
ent Friend for almost five years now. Todd and Katie arrive tomorrow. I had planned to go into Basel and buy a “sister” diary to take along on our travels, but I didn’t get to it. You won’t be too jealous, will you, if I share my jumbled thoughts with another diary? If I could add pages to you, I would. For all these years you have faithfully held my words, and you’ve invited me to come back anytime to read them. You’ll never know how much you’ve helped me to become who I am today. You’re a mirror. A treasure chest. A gentle reminder of good and bad times. And just as my Uncle Bob said when he gave you to me so many years ago, you became a real friend to me.
June 10
Hello!
DSF, meet your new companion, your Silent Sister. Silent Sister, meet my Dear Silent Friend. I hope the two of you don’t mind being joined together this way with a couple of rubber bands. It’s just that I don’t want to lose either of you, and I figured if you stuck together like this, it would be easier to find both of you in my luggage. Sorry about the messy quarters there in the crammed bag. I didn’t know that Todd and Katie would decide we should go camping with Antonio and then hit the trains to Italy.
Since I bought you in Rome, SS, does that mean you speak Italian? I guess I won’t know, because I’m pretty sure you’ll be as quiet as DSF has been all these years.
The first thing I want to say is embarrassing, but I don’t know how else to get this out. I’ve been acting like a brat, and I can’t stop it! Everything irritates me. I keep thinking if I just get a little more sleep, or if Katie and I would stop irritating each other, or if Todd would open up more, then I’d snap out of this. But I can’t seem to get back in sync with both of them. When I found out they were coming and we were going to travel around together in Europe, I dreamed about how wonderful everything was going to be. Why is it that I always over-dream?
Christy Miller's Diary Page 9
