Sorry to start off with such a downer as my first entry, but I need to figure out why I can’t move beyond this bad mood. I mean, I’m traveling around Europe with my two best friends! Why do all these old insecurities have to come along? I thought I’d grown past a lot of this stuff during my time in Switzerland.
Go ahead. Say it. Tell me to breathe, to relax, to take a chill pill, as Katie would say. Tell me to stop being so overly sensitive. Tell me it’s okay not to always feel like I’m in control of my life and every circumstance. Tell me I can trust God and trust my friends more than I have been. Tell me to enjoy this once-in-a-lifetime experience while I can.
Okay. You can stop there. That’s enough to work on at the moment. We’re going to the island of Capri, and that’s stirred up all my memories of Rick because, when he was on this island on my 16th birthday, he called me. So what, right? It would only be a coincidence—if my emotions weren’t so out of whack. I’m going to stop now. Maybe Todd will talk with me about some of this stuff. Something has to change. That something is probably me.
June 14
Good morning, SS!
I have the best friends in the world. I really do. I’ve discovered that it takes me a while to adjust to change. No big surprise, right?
We’re on the train right now leaving Austria and on our way to Germany. I think my internal emotion-o-meter is finally reset back to someplace more in the middle. Finally! I loved our time in Salzburg. We had such a great day.
The charm of that happy city will never leave me. When we walked past Mozart’s birthplace this morning, I thought of how his music still resonates here in a timeless, majestic way. The tour book said that people lived in Salzburg five hundred years before Christ was born because of the salt deposits found here. That astounds me.
All Katie seemed to be impressed with was the number of fountains we found as we walked around yesterday evening. At every fountain that had a horse statue in it, she made us stop and listen to her sing, “Doe, a deer, a female deer, ray . . . ,” etc. Poor Katie tried so hard to get Todd and me to stand on the edge of the fountains and sing with her, but we let her do a solo every time.
I think all three of us finally have found a way to let each of us be our unique self and not stress over it. We have a lot of travel time left. I hope the harmony keeps up. And I don’t mean Katie’s singing harmony.
June 19 (I think. I’m not sure exactly what day it is.)
Hello SS,
We have been on so many trains and walked so many cobblestone streets it’s all starting to mix together in my memories. I really thought I’d check in with you more often during this trip, dearest Silent Sis, but everything has sort of rolled into one long day and even longer night without much brain space left to write about it.
We’re in Oslo, Norway tonight. Todd is at the end of the earth. Really, he is. He left this morning and took a train to a Norwegian town above the Arctic Circle. Crazy? No. That’s Todd. Right before he boarded the train he grabbed me and kissed me good. Katie called him “Captain Passion.” She and I started talking about kisses and how Todd and I have been so sparing with our kisses over the years. I thought about it the rest of the day while Katie and I took a boat tour of the fjords.
I have so much saved up inside my soul that I’m sure it will take me a lifetime to fully express physically my love to my husband. I want to save all of that until we enter into “holy matrimony.” I think that’s part of what makes it holy. I think God honors virginity in a special way. When He chose to send His Son to earth, He did it through the body of a virgin. I want my marriage to be holy before God. For the first time I’ve begun to think that maybe I need a plan instead of just assuming that’s how everything will go.
At this point in my life, I assume I’ll marry Todd. But I don’t know that for sure. It’s as if I need to save myself from him to save myself for him.
I mean, it’s not that he’s coming on too strong and I have to fend him off. But I have a feeling his eagerness to do more than just light kissing when we’re together is growing stronger. Well, of course it is. He’s a guy, right? I feel that way, and I’ve always been the more reserved one.
I’m sure you’re thinking that the reason I’m saying I need a plan is because I like to have things figured out so I can sort of be in control. Well, in this situation I think it’s a good thing for me to plan to be in control of how I maintain my purity for my future husband, whether it ends up being Todd or not.
So here’s my plan. I’m going to save my really big kisses (and everything else) and tuck them away, safe and warm in the secret place in my heart. When Todd and I are together and I feel like kissing him really good, I’ll just tell myself to save that kiss. It will be like saving pennies in a piggy bank. One day I’ll give that piggy bank to my future husband, whoever he is. And when he breaks it open, look out! That bank will be loaded!
June 21
My SS,
I hereby title this entry, “In Search of the Lille Havfrue.”
What is a Lille Havfrue, you ask? Why, that’s the Little Mermaid, of course. As in, the so-called famous statue that my tour book said could be found in the harbor here in Copenhagen.
Yes, well, Katie and I got lost and spent way too much time trying to find the tiny statue, and when we finally located her, as Katie said, she wouldn’t even turn around and look at us.
I hope I never forget the lessons I learned today. Some of the things I set out to find in life aren’t as grand as I thought they would be. When those discoveries turn out to disappoint, may I always be blessed with what I had today: (1) a peculiar treasure of a friend to laugh wholeheartedly with me over the disillusionment and (2) enough money for bus fare to take me on to the next episode of the adventure.
June 25
Oh, Dearest Silent Friend and Sweetest Silent Sister,
I have something to tell both of you. Something I have longed to write on your pages for a long, long time.
Today Todd told me for the first time that he loves me. He loves me.
I know I don’t have to record the details here because I’m sure I’ll never forget the way he came to the bakery in Basel and surprised me when I thought he was on his way to the airport with Katie to go home. I will always remember how he told me he held me in his heart—close in his heart—and that he needed to tell me something.
I hate to admit this, but I felt that old, old stab of fear and panic, thinking he was going to break up with me and then leave. Why do I always fear the worst? I hate that about me. But I love the way Todd calms me and brings me back to a place of truth and hope every time. I started to cry, and he touched my face and said, “You need to know, Kilikina, that I love you.” Whenever he calls me by my Hawaiian name, I melt, and I melted today when he told me he loved me. Then he told me a second time and said we have a couple of months to pray through what the future holds for us.
Hold this dearly precious secret for me, okay? Todd said he loves me.
My heart is wearing a very big smile right now.
July 4th (Happy Birthday, America!)
Silent Sis,
I miss America so much today. I miss my home, family, and friends. Most of all I miss Todd. No surprise there. When I made the decision to stay here for this final summer session, I thought it would go quickly. But after being with Todd and Katie for all those weeks, it has been so hard to get back into the studies and into spending time with the kids at the orphanage. I want to finish out my time here well. It’s been an amazing, wonderful experience in many ways, and I’m glad I came. But I can’t wait to go home. Ah, home. Even writing it makes me feel a little sad and lonely.
However, I’m determined not to get depressed or apathetic during my final weeks here. Todd told me right before he returned to California that, for each of the sixty-seven days I’m still here, we’ll pretend it’s one long day l
ike he experienced at the Arctic Circle where the sun doesn’t set in the summer. And every time we think about each other during this one long day, we’ll say, “I can’t wait until tomorrow.”
So, I better say it quickly now before I start to think about fireworks, hot dogs, and watermelon. I can’t wait until tomorrow.
September 10
My Sweet Silent Sister,
I can’t decide if I stepped out of a dream or into a dream. One of these places doesn’t seem real. Was Switzerland real? I’m sure it was. But here I am at Rancho Corona University, rooming with Katie, seeing Todd every day, and it’s like this is the only life I’ve ever known. So this must be the dream, right?
No, I guess it’s all real. I have to say the best part is that everything here feels familiar. I got along fine with my roommates in Switzerland. But sharing a room with Katie is so much easier. She is definitely my Forever Friend.
I spent some time reading my Bible this morning and marked a verse in the first chapter of John: “Yet to all who received him, to those who believed in his name, he gave the right to become children of God.”
I have been given the right to become one of God’s children because I’ve received Him into my heart and life and I’ve believed in His name. It’s like God has adopted me into His family.
This really gets to me because I keep thinking about all the children at the orphanage and how they were waiting for someone to adopt them. I guess the best thing I can do now that I can’t hug them and be with them is to pray for them. I’m going to do that now.
September 12
Ooo, SS, listen to this verse. It really got to me.
“Give freely without begrudging it, and the Lord your God will bless you in everything you do” (Deuteronomy 15:10).
I needed to read that today. Todd asked me to do some stuff to help him out, and I was gritting my teeth and doing it because I felt like I had to and not because I wanted to. Then I saw this verse in some of the material I’m studying for one of my classes. If I don’t give willingly and joyfully, regardless of whether I’m giving my time or effort or even my love, then I’m not giving freely. And if I’m not giving freely, then is it even a gift? That last part really got to me. I mean, I want God to bless me. So why am I not willing to freely bless Todd? Or Katie? Or anyone else here on my floor in the dorm? It’s too easy for me to close up and pull back and not want to give freely.
Hold this thought for me, will you? I need to think about it some more.
September 16
Hey there, Silent Sister,
Did I tell you Matthew Kingsley is going to school here at Rancho? I don’t think I did. It turns out that Katie knew him from their softball connection last semester. She tried to tell me this summer about a guy she called number fourteen, which is the number he had on his jersey.
It’s kind of odd how once you have tender feelings for someone you kind of always do, even if you’re not romantically interested in them. Does that make sense? Todd and I are together. I mean really, truly together, and everyone here knows it. So it’s not like I’m thinking about what it would be like to go out with Matthew, but even so, in some corner of my little-girl, boy-crazy brain, when I see him on campus I take a blip-trip to the land of “if only” and wonder how different my life might have been if I had stayed in Wisconsin and if my family hadn’t moved to California.
Okay. Enough with the mind-messing stuff. The reality of my life right now is that I’m very happy. I’m right where I want to be, and I know God has His hand on me. Hey! That’s a little poem, isn’t it? I’m right where I want to be and I know God has His hand on me!
I’m sitting in the chapel here on upper campus as I write, and the sunlight is coming through the stained glass windows, making the space glow with the amber light coming through the glass that makes up the crown in the window. It’s so beautiful here. So peaceful. The stained glass reminds me of places we visited in Europe. I love this little sacred space here at the top of a campus filled with noise, people, and activity.
I came here to read my Bible and pray, and although I read two more chapters in John and did pray some, I have to admit all I can think about is finding Katie right now. This past year when I was in Basel I often wished I could talk to her, but we had to coordinate schedules for calls, and emails never come out the same as conversations. She’s right here on campus now. Somewhere. I’m going to go find her.
September 19
Silent Sister,
My aunt is one confused woman. That’s all I’m going to say. Father God, please do something to get her attention and bring her to you. I don’t want her to leave Uncle Bob.
Why, oh why did she have to confide in me and make me promise to keep her secrets? What is she thinking?
November 2
Oh, my Silent Sister,
I know I haven’t written anything here for a long time, but I’ve been going through the worst, worst, worst time ever. Todd was in a serious car accident and was in the hospital. He’s doing all right now. He had a lot of stitches from the glass they had to remove, especially from his hands. While he’s recuperating he’s staying at Bob and Marti’s, and I was there with him up until yesterday.
I thought I was going to lose him.
I really did. My heart has been in knots. While he was in the hospital, I finally told him I love him. I’d been waiting for the right moment once I knew that I knew for sure that I loved him with the sort of forever love he must have felt in Switzerland when he said he loved me.
We went to the desert before the accident for a weekend trip with the youth group at the church where he’s working. On Saturday we were out in a dune buggy, and I knew I was ready to tell him. Just as I said the words, he turned on the engine, and it drowned out my declaration. I thought it was funny. Typical, right? I finally make a decision about something, a very important decision, and he can’t hear me over the dune buggy roar.
It didn’t bother me, but then he was in this horrible accident right after we got back. Gus the Bus was totaled.
I was sitting by his hospital bed, holding his hand, and I told him over and over in a whisper, “Todd, I love you.” Again, he couldn’t hear me. He was too sedated.
Then finally, yesterday, when he felt well enough to go out on the beach, I cooked breakfast for him at the campfire ring just like I tried to do all those years ago when the seagulls came and stole the eggs and bacon. This time I made sure the seagulls stayed away. More importantly, I was able to tell him face-to-face, “Todd, I love you.”
I sort of blurted it, but it didn’t matter that the moment wasn’t sweet, dainty, and romantic. I said it. I meant it. Todd heard me. He knows. He knew all along.
And oh, the kiss we shared after I told him! The bacon on the griddle over the flame was sending up fireworks. And a whole other set of fireworks were lighting up inside me.
I told him three times that I loved him, and yes, I cried. Of course I cried. You know how the tears just spill out of me. I mean, a few weeks ago I thought he might die. I really did. So to have him beside me and healing up the way he is got to me.
Todd said that when a thing is spoken three times it is established. I don’t know exactly what that means to him, but to me it means I was certain. I’m not changing my mind.
It really was the most wonderfully perfect time we’ve had together in a long time. We laughed, kissed, prayed, ate, and teased each other. It was perfect. So perfect that something inside of me thought it would be the right time for him to propose.
I know. I’m always wanting more, aren’t I? Never quite content. It’s an old problem. I really wish I wouldn’t let those insecure thoughts enter into my mind. They always bring their disruptive pals, doubt and fear. And when the three of them set up their den in my spirit, they create disaster every time.
Go away, insecurity. Be gone, doubt. S
hove off, fear. You are NOT welcome here. My heart is a place created for love, joy, and peace. Jesus, guard my heart. Lead me in paths of righteousness for your name’s sake. And thank you for saving Todd’s life and for healing him. Please continue to do your good work in his life.
November 10
Me again, Silent Sister.
So much has been happening in my heart and life. I talked to Donna, my manager at the campus bookstore where I work. She had some wise things to say, including the importance of writing things down.
Right now I can’t imagine going on in my life without being partnered with Todd in whatever comes our way. It seems so natural and like such a perfect fit.
I know he’s going to propose soon. I just know it. Maybe before this weekend is over I’ll hear those words dancing from his lips. I wonder how he’ll ask me. I’m sure it will be creative.
Or maybe not. Todd has a very practical side to him, as well. I wouldn’t be surprised if he just turned to me over tacos and said, “So, do you want to get married?”
I don’t know how he will ask me or when, but I know I’m ready—more than ready—to say yes.
Yes, yes, a thousand times yes. I will many you, Todd Spencer, and I will spend the rest of my life loving you with all my heart.
Christy Miller's Diary Page 10
