The Memory Thief

by Sarina Dorie

  I considered the merits of various places on my body. On my back I would feel too exposed and on my belly I would feel vulnerable.

  “May I have a towel to cover myself?”

  He handed me a dry cloth. I rolled onto my belly and tucked the fabric around my hips and legs. As I laid across the moss, my body pressed into the tickle of plants, I was reminded of my first time performing memory exchange. I pushed the thought away and returned my mind to the present before my heart grew sad.

  Nipa placed his hands on my back below the shoulder blades. “You are probably aware it is considered impolite to take a memory without giving back. In your case, you have had much taken from you. I will give you a gift of my memory and not ask you to give me a memory in return.” He smoothed his palms over my shoulders and down my back. I tensed in anticipation. For all I knew, he’d set me up out here in order to grope me and push my legs apart to have his way with me. How I even knew of such things led me to believe I might not be the virtuous young lady I told myself I was.

  Despite these fears surfacing to my mind, I doubted they were well-founded. If there was a man I could trust, it would be him.

  I forced myself to concentrate on my senses as Tomomi Sensei had instructed. His fingers massaged my muscles. Where the plant oils touched droplets of water, my flesh buzzed with an electric charge.

  Warmth spread from his palms over my skin. I closed my eyes and sank into the black void. I was suddenly aware of sunlight shining through a canopy of giant leaves, casting the world in brilliant light and colors too vivid to be real. Nose birds yipped through the trees and tree snails chattered above my head. The jungle smelled of wet wood after rain and fragrant flowers. I held a red fruit speckled with seeds. I peeled back the tough skin with my teeth, spitting out the bitter seeds from the exterior when they fell into my mouth. I lapped up the sweet juices of the inside with my tongue. The word “sugar fruit” came to mind. I bit into the tender flesh, a flavor in between cherries and pineapple bursting on my tongue. The fruit quenched my thirst and settled the rumble of hunger in my belly.

  The memory was so fresh and alive it felt as though I was experiencing it in that moment. The image faded and I blinked my eyes open. My body felt languid and serene. My arms and breasts tingled where they remained in contact with the memory moss.

  Nipa leaned close to my ear. “Part of me is in you now. You know what I know.” Warmth radiated off his body and I yearned for him to lean closer. Jomon politeness dictated I responded with a nicety I had once learned, but I could no longer remember what it was.

  I still tasted the tangy, sweet juice on my lips. “You no longer have any trace of that memory?”

  He used my robe to cover my upper body, shielding me from the chill. “Correct. But it matters little. I have eaten sugar fruit many times. I have other memories that are similar.” He swept my hair out of my face and positioned it on the other side of my neck.

  “What if I should be given the only memory you have of something? You would be like me and wouldn’t know yourself.”

  “If I gave you something only I know, then you will be a little bit more me. And if you give me your memories, I will be a little more you. We will not be the same people who we were prior to this. Do you understand why my people are careful in picking who we wish to share with?”

  I nodded. “Someone would know intimate details about you they could use against you.” Could that be what had happened to me? Someone had wanted to find something out, like the whereabouts of the diamonds, and Taishi removed my memories to help me. I wanted to believe he wouldn’t steal my memories. Of course, that didn’t explain being violated or why I’d been dying in a hut when Lord Klark had found me.

  Thoughts floated in and out of my mind like idle fancies. It was hard to grasp them in my state of languidness. I threaded my fingers through the moss near my head. My skin prickled pleasantly. I felt drowsy and simultaneously revitalized and awake. I had forgotten how relaxed and peaceful I could feel in body and mind after memory exchange.

  “How do you feel? Will you allow me to share again with you?”

  “Maybe one more, but I need a moment first.” I scooted the attush down so that my back was once more exposed.

  I rolled to my side and pressed my back into his chest. My nipples hardened in the absence of warmth. In the darkness where there was no one to chastise me, I felt no shame. He smoothed his hands up and down my goosebump-covered arm. I drew his arm over me and snuggled into his warmth. When I pulled the robe higher to cover my chest, my feet became exposed and I had to kick the cloth towel lower so my feet didn’t chill. Nipa laughed and tugged the first robe over my shoulders and another around my feet.

  He leaned into me so that I was sandwiched between his warmth and the hot-cold prickles of moss on my bare skin. My breasts puckered, and my nipples ached to be touched.

  “One more?” he asked again. “Then I will bring you back to your bed.”

  “Yes.” Once, twice, a dozen times more. I could have kept basking in his memories all night. I closed my eyes and slipped more deeply into the darkness.

  He peeled back a section of robe to smooth his hands over my back. He exhaled and I exhaled. He inhaled and I inhaled. We sank into harmony with each other. The pressure of his hands increased slightly. A tingle of warmth surged from his fingers. Now that I was more relaxed, I could focus on the sensation sweeping over my back and up my shoulders. The memory soaked into me like water into a sponge.

  I closed my eyes. A feather light touch brushed across my lips. Emotions coursed through me that I knew weren’t my own. My heart surged in a mixture of excitement and trepidation. My palms were clammy and head light. I was so in love I would do anything for this girl. I squeezed her to me and let her kiss me as I tried not to do anything that would ruin this moment. When I kissed her back, her lips parted and her body melted against me. The memory slipped away and all too soon I was myself again.

  I blinked, returning to myself and my own body. The twin moons in the sky illuminated the lush garden around us. Citrus-mint greeted my nose and grounded me. The detail of Nipa’s memory had been so simple and yet so intimate.

  Nipa pressed me into the moss. His breath was ragged and his heart beat wildly against my back. I squirmed under his heavy frame. As comfortable as his warmth felt, there was a reason unwed ladies didn’t do this. I just couldn’t bring myself to think about why it was at that moment.

  Nipa kissed my shoulder before adjusting the robe over my back. Although pleasant, there was something about that gesture that felt unnatural.

  As his weight shifted and his chest lifted from mine, his pelvis pressed me into the grove of moss. My breasts and belly tingled where the moss stroked them. I would swear I felt hands teasing my nipples, but perhaps it was only the wanting of touch that I felt. It had been so long since I had entertained the notion of desire. The blanket of green beneath me warmed, then cooled, then warmed again. My body couldn’t make sense of the contradictory sensations.

  He leaned a hand on the small of my back as he pulled away. I moaned with pleasure as I sank more deeply into the moss. He lifted himself from me and adjusted the robes to cover my back. I shivered from the loss of his warmth.

  “What is it?” he asked. He leaned in again, a leg pressing over mine. His breath tickled against my cheek.

  I ground my pelvis into the moss, forgetting all propriety. He chuckled and kissed my ear. “Oh, I see. You like memory moss.”

  He leaned his chest against me, pushing me more deeply into the welcome embrace of the green moss. His hips pressed against mine. I cried out as a quick, little spasm pulsed inside me.

  “Felicity-chan, do you wish to go back? I did promise to return you to your room after this.” His tone was teasing. He nuzzled his face into my neck. “Or do you wish to stay?”

  I heard his voice, but didn’t trust myself to answer intelligibly.

  “I see. You must wish to leave and sleep beside my sister.” He
rolled off of me.

  A wave of cold washed over me. “No, don’t stop.”

  His weight returned. He rocked his hips against mine. His erection pressed into the robe covering my legs. I trembled under the trail of kisses he left down the back of my neck. I gasped as he tilted his pelvis against mine again. My flesh buzzed with sensation. I dug my fingers into the moss. When he shifted his weight again, the pleasure building between my legs released. I cried out as the spasms exploded inside me. Colors flashed before my eyes and I thought I was slipping again into another memory. When none came, I suspected the synesthesia was all me.

  I loosened my grip on the moss. The tension in my muscles relaxed. I was suddenly embarrassed at the way I was panting like an animal in heat. He rolled off me, though he still remained close. He continued to stroke my hair.

  I turned to face him. He laid a palm against my cheek.

  “Tell me, did my memories suit you?”

  “Mmhmm,” I managed. I turned to nestle into his neck.

  He enveloped me in his arms and tilted my chin up to kiss me. My lips parted and I allowed his tongue to slide across mine. He squeezed me so close that I could feel his wanting. I was surprised by how much I liked it. I didn’t think I had ever experienced desire like this building in myself. At least not that I remembered.

  I was so relaxed it took a long moment to realize what was amiss. He kissed me.

  I pulled back. “I didn’t think Jomon kissed.”

  He cleared his throat. “We don’t. But . . . we have had gaiyojin on this world for over thirty years. I have learned many things from your people.”

  I snorted at that. “All in the name of diplomacy.”

  “No, it was for the sake of love. But that was long ago. This is in the name of diplomacy, yes? Your betrothed agreed to this exchange in the hope of finding pretty stones.” He kissed his way down my neck.

  My muscles went rigid. It wasn’t just the thought of Meriwether, but all of reality that came crashing back down on me: diplomacy, my reasons for returning, and my reasons for agreeing to the wife-swap. I pulled away and fumbled for the sleeves of the robe.

  “Did this evening not please you?”

  “It wasn’t that. It’s just. . . .” I sighed in exasperation. Finding the sleeves, I put the robe on and tied it. I suspected it was inside out, but I didn’t care.

  “Do you feel I have stolen your virtue by kissing you?”

  “Yes. No. I don’t know. I don’t like to lose myself like I did. I don’t want to put myself in the same kind of situation as before. Especially not with someone whose reason for doing this is . . .” I struggled for the right word. “Diplomacy.”

  “You are offended by pragmatism, even though it is your own motivation?”

  I drew my knees up to my chest. No matter what I said, it would make me feel no less the fool.

  He rubbed his warm hands over my cold feet. “What if I said my motivation for tonight’s memory exchange was to help you, not because of what I want Meriwether to give to me in return? I have put aside any hope of learning about your people’s true character and motivations through memory exchange. What remains is simply for us to share.”

  There was so much more to it. How could I accuse him of ill-using me when I was the one who used him to help me?

  I listened to the rustle of clothes as he dressed. I struggled to find words to express the disgust I felt at myself. My throat felt tight and it was hard to get the words out. “Memory moss makes me into a strumpet.”

  He pulled me to my feet. “Strumpet? I do not know this word in your language.”

  “A strumpet, a harlot, a whore. It’s a woman who would mate with any man, usually for her own personal gain.”

  “Isn’t all love for a kind of personal gain?”

  “No, I’m not talking about love. I mean lust. And usually the personal gain is money. Or a kind of barter, like pretty stones.”

  He guided me along the path and through the gate in the wall, into the adjoining garden, and back inside the interior hallway. I had forgotten how warm the air of the courtyard was until I grew chilled away from the heat.

  “There are no pretty stones involved in this exchange between us. So you are angry with yourself for feeling lust? Or lust without love?” There was a smile in his voice. “This would be so much easier for you if you forced yourself to fall in love with me and then became my permanent wife. That is the gaiyojin way, ne?”

  I didn’t laugh at his joke. It was too close to the truth. I chided myself for my stupidity. How could I marry Meriwether after this?

  He tucked me into my bed that night, just as on the other nights, and left me to battle my personal demons.

  Chapter Fourteen

  Dearest Clementine, it isn’t too late to return to the United Worlds and marry me. Despite the scandal it would cause marrying a divorced lady in the territories of greater Britain, I think you will find New Campton Manor Space Station remote enough, and my influence great enough, to silence any gossip that might occur.

  —Lord Klark in a private message to Mrs. Clementine Earnshaw, date undetermined

  Upon the morrow, Nipa asked, “Will you have me train you outside this morning? Or Tomomi?”

  “Neither.” I set down my fish breakfast. “I want you to help me learn something practical to retrieve my memories. I don’t think combat has any value in memory exchange.”

  My thoughts since waking had been of the night before, our conversation and the memories he’d chosen to share. I pined for Taishi and Faith, and I wanted to understand what had happened. Shame erupted in me every time I thought of the way the memory moss had seduced me. I doubted I would ever feel for Meriwether what I had felt in those brief moments with Nipa. And as much as I hated to admit it to myself, those feelings for Nipa were nothing compared to what I still felt for Taishi.

  The next time Nipa and I practiced memory exchange, I wouldn’t let myself get distracted by the physical enjoyment of the experience. I needed to focus on the reason I had wanted to do memory exchange.

  He absently drummed his fingers against one of the horns on his mask. His eyes regarded me warily. “Do you think you are ready to give me a memory? That is what it will take. I will need to sort through the thoughts around your absent memories and give them back to you.”

  I swallowed.

  “We will need privacy. Have you finished eating?”

  I ate the small serving of tart winter berries in the bowl in one bite. I wasn’t going to let fresh fruit go to waste. “I’m ready,” I said.

  He rose and went to the door. He found hide strips secured to the wall that he used to tie the flap in place.

  “Turn away and remove your robe. I will not look as you cover yourself with the blankets.” He moved to the window and untied the noren curtain so that it fell closed. The room darkened.

  Awkwardly I sank below the furs, aware of the goosebumps stealing across my flesh. I placed a hand over the lump in the blankets where I hid my pocket watch. The muffled tapping against my hand gave me something to focus on. I kept my mind on the present, lest I slip into the past.

  He placed another log on the fire. “Roll onto your side so that I may touch your back.”

  I did so, hating this vulnerability. This was so much worse than the night before when he’d said he would give to me and expect nothing in return. I might actually lose memories this time.

  His shadow danced over the floor as he removed his slippers and cloak. When I saw the tanuki headdress on the floor, I turned to look at his face. His eyes were kind. He placed a hand on my shoulder.

  “Focus on relaxing,” he said.

  I stared into the golden embers in the darkness of the room. Clothes rustled behind me. He slipped under the blankets. His naked chest pressed against my back. There was no memory moss, but my skin tingled against him nonetheless. I didn’t know which made me more nervous, the idea I was alone with a naked man I had kissed, or that I truly was going to perform me
mory exchange.

  My heart beat so hard against my ribs it felt as though it would burst.

  He circled an arm around me, hugging me close. “I will not surprise you. Everything I do, I will tell you first. I will give you a memory, then you will give it back.”

  I nodded. It was hard to focus on his words with the way my body responded to his touch. More than anything I wanted to melt against him and surrender myself as I had the night before.

  He shifted away and I turned to see him lift a wooden box from behind us, which he placed next to my head. As soon as he opened the lid, I smelled the citrus and mint of the moss within.

  “This is fresh. I picked it yesterday. It doesn’t need to be ground and hydrated yet.” He plucked a piece out and rubbed it in his palms. I positioned myself so that I faced away from him. The moment he rubbed his hands over my back, my skin warmed and prickled. I closed my eyes and let the darkness swallow me. The memory came more quickly this time than the previous night.

  Pale moonbeams shone down on rippling water in front of me. In the reflection of the stream, the moons looked like mismatched eyes. The jungle was warm and muggy, pleasantly mild compared to the heat of the day. Still, it was hot enough that the coolness of the water didn’t daunt me. I stepped into the refreshing current and let it cleanse the sticky sweat from my body. I ducked my head and submerged myself. I came out, water dripping into my eyes. A hand touched my shoulder. From the gentleness of the touch, I knew who it was. Surely she had to be naked if she was in the water. Even in the cold current, my body desired her.

  The memory faded. I heard the crackle of the fire before me and opened my eyes to gaze into the flames. My body couldn’t make up its mind whether I was hot or cold. I leaned into his embrace and hugged his arm more securely across my chest.

  “Tell me what you saw.”

  I did.

  “Good. Now you will give it back to me.” He turned away, and I rolled over to face his back.

  I broke off a piece of moss and crumbled it in my fingers before pressing my palms to the muscles over his shoulder blades.