The Memory Thief

by Sarina Dorie

  “Capital,” he said. He stared off in the distance with a smile on his face, his usual expression more day-dreamy than usual.

  “Have you been enjoying your time here?” I asked.

  “Mmmhmm.”

  “Is everything all right?” I asked.

  “Indeed, Felicity darling.” He patted my hand.

  It wasn’t like him to be so frugal with his words. It seemed everyone was keeping secrets these days. I had too many other thoughts on my mind to inquire further.

  At dinner I asked Nipa quietly lest other Jomon hear. “How long must I wait tonight before you join me?”

  “Do you not want time to yourself?” He set his bowl of soup down. “How soon do you want me to come?”

  “As soon as you are able.”

  His lips twisted his into a cocky grin. “Either you want to pursue more memory exchange or you cannot wait to ravish me. Which is it, Felicity-chan?”

  The only light in the dim room was firelight. Alone, I threw off my fur clothes and fumbled in the blankets for my attush. I stood when I spotted it on the table.

  “Gomen kudasai,” Nipa called from the other side of the curtain. He even knocked on the wall.

  It would have been easy to tell him not to come in, but I hesitated. He lifted the hide and ducked under, halting midway through. “Oh. Ano . . . should I . . . ? You’re, ano, ahem.” He backed out, eyes diverted.

  “You’ve seen me naked. We have that out of the way.” I swallowed, hoping the depth of my self-consciousness didn’t show. “You might as well come in all the way and tell me what you think.” I tried to make my voice sound light and nonchalant. I didn’t think I managed.

  He stepped forward. The flap of the noren fell closed behind him. His lips parted and he looked as though he would speak. I held my breath, aware of the way my heart sped up. He circled slowly, his eyes appraising every inch of bare flesh.

  Goosebumps rose on my flesh. My nipples puckered and hardened in the cold.

  He lifted his Tanukijin headdress and dropped it to the floor. “I am unfit to wear this when I cannot concentrate on my duties as leader. Right now I definitely cannot think of anything other than husbandly duties.”

  “I didn’t think nudity was supposed to be . . . romantic.”

  “Not naked children. And not partial nudity for adults. But none of you is covered. You keep so much of yourself hidden it makes the wanting to see so much stronger.” He stepped in closer. Close enough to kiss me, though he refrained. Part of me hoped he wouldn’t—that small voice of gaiyojin reason. Another part wanted him to kiss me, the part that knew I’d already gone much further than was decent and ladylike—the part that wanted more.

  He licked his lips. “What would you do if I took off my robe right now?”

  “I don’t know what I’d do. It would make me more uncomfortable than I already am.” I tried to laugh but it came out as a choked cough.

  His mouth widened in a grin. “I will endeavor to make you more comfortable.” He took my hand and held it away from my body. He placed the other on his shoulder and rested his hand on the small of my back. “Meriwether-san said this is a method of courtship among your people.” He hummed and stepped to the side and back. He was off key and the tune wasn’t quite right, but I recognized it as a waltz. His box step lacked the perfection of those who had danced at balls all their adulthood, but he made up for his lack of ability with his generous smile.

  This wasn’t how I would have made a naked young lady more comfortable, but he did make me laugh.

  “Uh-oh. I just stepped on your foot,” he laughed. “Charbonny-san says that is very bad and ladies do not like that.”

  My legs became twisted as I attempted a side step on the wrong foot. I nearly lost my balance and stumbled into him. “I think we’re even. I just stepped on yours.”

  He lifted me and twirled me around in his arms. “I am told that is a more advanced move. I hope you can keep up.”

  He leaned in and planted a quick kiss on my lips before continuing the box step again. His eyes looked everywhere in the room that wasn’t my naked body. “Are you more comfortable now that I have performed some of your courtship ritual?” He hummed his alien waltz.

  “Is it true? You are courting me?” I asked. “This temporary marriage isn’t just about diplomacy or aiding me in getting my memories back?”

  “You decide.” He released my hand and wrapped his arms around me as he leaned in.

  He smelled of fire smoke and musky earth as he held me closer. I lost myself in his scent. He brought his mouth close to mine, though he didn’t kiss me. I circled my arms around his neck. I lifted my chin so that my lips were closer to his. He moved a hairsbreadth back and smiled. I craned my neck toward him but he pulled back, his grin growing broader.

  “You’re teasing me?” I asked.

  “Of course.” He planted another quick kiss on my mouth.

  I turned my face away. Two could play at this game. From his devilish grin I knew he enjoyed such play. When I leaned in to kiss him the next time, he let me press my lips to his. He held me close and wove his fingers into my hair. I closed my eyes and drank him in. He tasted of spicy tea and sweet summer memories. His tongue dipped into my mouth. My skin flushed, and warmth radiated between my legs.

  He broke away. “Now, another kiss or memory exchange?”

  I hated myself for being too much of a coward to say what I really wanted. “Memories,” I said. “Maybe another kiss afterward.”

  At the absence of his arms, cold skated across my skin. He retrieved the box from the corner and planted himself on my blankets. “Do you kiss Meriwether?”

  I kneeled beside him. “Not if I can help it.” I was vividly aware of my nudity, not quite accustomed to feeling comfortable with it. Yet, being alone with him was less humiliating than enduring the ogling women in the onsen. Nipa didn’t ask embarrassing questions or make a commentary on my appearance.

  “Truly you feel no love for him?” he asked.

  “I didn’t say that. Love is more than kissing.”

  “For some, yes, but for you I think there can be no love without kissing.” He leaned in and touched his lips to mine. His mouth trailed across my cheek and down my neck. I held onto his arm, desire building in me. As he brushed his lips under my collarbone, I gasped from unexpected pleasure.

  The warmth of his breath left my skin. He opened the memory moss box. Citrus mint tingled in my nose.

  “Are you ready for memory exchange? You may want to turn away for this.” He untied his robe and waited.

  I didn’t turn away. I watched with a mixture of embarrassment and eagerness as he shed his robe. The shadows of the flickering firelight cast definition over his chiseled muscles. I smoothed a hand against his chest and belly. His muscles contracted.

  His voice turned husky. “You are dangerous.”

  I laughed. “Me? Why is that?”

  He lifted me and set me on his lap. A thrill rushed through me. It was hard not to want this beautiful man who so obviously wanted my affection in return. The fact that he hadn’t pressured me made me regard him with even more respect.

  He kissed my nose. “You do not know it, Felicity of the Stars, but you are in love with me.”

  I shook my head. Surely he jested. Then again, maybe he was right. How was it conceivable I would allow myself to be naked in a man’s arms whom I didn’t hold in such high affection? I trusted him. I drew my finger along the line of his square jaw.

  He squeezed me tighter. Finding that not enough, I turned to straddle him. I wrapped my arms around his neck and drank in the feel of his skin against mine.

  I brushed my lips across his ear, eliciting a shiver from him. “Who is that more dangerous for, me or you?”

  “Me.” For once there was no mirth in his voice. I pulled my head back enough to find his visage serious, save for the smile, but it was sad, like when he spoke of his late wife.

  I touched his cheek. “Indeed. Becaus
e you are still in love, Hoku?” I kissed his temple and brushed my fingers over his high cheekbone and into his hair.

  “Because you bring pleasure to my heart.”

  I glanced down into the shadows between us. “I doubt it’s only your heart I bring pleasure to.”

  His devilish grin returned then. He cupped my derriere in his hands and tilted my hips closer. From the hardness of his erection pressed against my belly, I knew I was right.

  I was aware of the throb of my own pulse deep inside me. Desire built, and I felt slick and wet between my legs. I wanted him as I had never wanted any man. I feared my body would give my lust away, and then where would I be? The concept of chastity felt remote and abstract at the moment.

  We were so close, I wondered if he would take me right then if I asked him to compromise me. For the first time in what felt like an eternity, I felt no anxiety over the idea of losing my virtue. My only fear was of myself. I had unfinished business with Taishi. My heart was too conflicted to let my body give in to lust.

  He buried his face in my hair. “I would do anything for your happiness. If you asked me to give up all my treasures for you, I would, and then where would I be? The wife-swap will be finished in less than seven days. When you leave here, I may be the one who will experience a broken heart again.”

  I suspected he was as bad as Meriwether, thinking he’d fallen in love with a woman at first sight. And yet, I felt simultaneously flattered by the attention, for I had never wanted Meriwether’s heart, whereas I found I craved Nipa’s.

  I kissed his lips. He enveloped me in the warmth of his arms.

  Holding me with one arm, he opened the box with his other hand and tore off a piece of moss. “Shall I have you like this?” His smile turned mischievous. “Your memories, I mean.”

  Chapter Sixteen

  I gave up everything to be with the man I loved. There isn’t one day that goes by that I don’t think about how miserable I would be if I had married Lord Klark as my parents wished.

  —Entry from the journal of Clementine Earnshaw, the Santa Maria

  Nipa and I shared each other many times in memory exchange. He had me in my room that night and again upon the morrow in the private courtyard. The following night we shared memories in my chamber. Each time I felt myself surrendering a little more to him. He adorned me with a garland of kisses as he removed my robe. His mouth moved lower, plucking at my nipples and making me cry out in pleasure.

  I loved and hated the way I felt after the memory moss, relaxed and full of wanting. I curled into him as though it were the most natural thing in the world and we had done this a thousand times. He stroked my back first, then belly with memory moss, and my breasts when there was no more fresh skin left to soak the memories in. The place between my legs throbbed and I ached for him more than the last time.

  Each time, he pressed against me, his manhood hard and insistent, though he made no attempt to go further. “I have promised not to steal your virtue, but I think we can please each other in other ways, ne?” he said.

  My body already languid and relaxed, and his fingers tingling of memory moss, he parted the folds around my maidenhood and slipped his finger inside. The pleasure was so intense I cried out. My voice echoed so loud in the night air I thought people would come running. Propriety must have truly left me because I didn’t care and bade him to keep going.

  With every kiss, I forgot more of the world around me. His fingers grew slick from the wetness inside me. He found the sensitive knob within my lips and stroked it until I forgot myself and mewed like an animal. I dug my fingers into the flesh of his shoulders and arched into his fingers. I shuddered with pleasure. With every jolt of ecstasy coursing through me like fireworks, I lost a little more of myself. If he was trying to court me, his methods were working. I was long past denying my feelings for him and long past denying my feelings in general. For the first time in years I felt alive, and dare I say, happy.

  I lay in an exhausted heap in his arms, cold with sweat as I snuggled against his warmth. “Anata,” I said, using the endearment he’d wanted me to call him days before.

  The little smirk on his lips told me he was pleased with himself. “Tell me how wonderful you think I am,” he said.

  I nuzzled into his shoulder. “Very, very, very wonderful.”

  “A wonderful what?”

  I trailed my fingers down his belly, bringing them up again when I heard his breath catch. I threaded my fingers through the thick hair separating me from his manhood. He moaned with pleasure as I grasped his swollen erection. “A very, very, very wonderful husband.” To say the words sent a forbidden thrill though me. Even if this was a valid relationship to the Jomon, it was not to the United Worlds of America or the British. And what did it matter what gaijin thought? No one needed to know but Nipa and me.

  I stroked and squeezed him.

  He removed my hand and pinned it against the ground. I arched my spine toward him, thrusting my breasts closer. His gaze fell on the puckered skin around my nipples and he plucked at them with his mouth, elongating them and making them swell. Desire built in me again. I struggled against his grip but he held fast. The longing for him was almost painful. I could hardly imagine how he controlled himself.

  He kissed me again before breaking away. He shook his head. “You would drive me to distraction and make me forget my promise to you.” He kissed my fingers and released his grip. “We have shared enough happy memories. It is time for more serious ones. Are you awake enough for this?”

  I nodded.

  “Close your eyes and think back to the time just after you lost your memories,” he said. “Tell me what happened.”

  I told him of Meriwether finding me and Lord Klark’s dismay to come across me in such a state.

  “Now go back before that. Think to your first thought as you woke.” He lay beside me and circled his arm around my waist. He rested a hand on my arm. My skin still tingled with pining. I wanted him to touch me like he had earlier in the night.

  He pinched my rump. “Concentrate,” he said.

  I wondered what it was that had given me away. Perhaps the tilt of my pelvis.

  I refocused. I was almost certain my first thought had been feeling befuddled finding Meriwether trying to kiss me. I said as much.

  “Think back to when your mind was dark right before you opened your eyes. Do you have any feelings? Impressions?” When I was silent he asked, “Imagine someone specific you knew. Imagine your sister.”

  At the mention of Faith, my yearning slipped away. My heart felt heavy with shame but I didn’t know why. I felt sorrow and pity, some of it directed at myself but some at her. There was something more there, something I could almost grasp, but it was out of my reach.

  I sighed in exasperation.

  “I want you to send these feelings into me. I will see if I can sort through them and give them back to you. Sometimes we see things differently the second time around.”

  I laughed, thinking he could be talking about my own journey to Aynu-Mosir, or a second chance at love. So many second times in my life were better than the firsts.

  I applied the memory moss to his chest and thought of my sister and all the feelings built up around her. I slipped a little deeper in the reflections. She hated me. I tried not to be cross with her for being miserable. But I had made her miserable. I hurt her and it was her right to hate me. It was only fitting she should wish ill to come to me in my weakest hour. She probably wanted me to die. Pain ripped me open from the insides and I cried out. I opened my eyes and was once again in the fire lit room. My loins ached but I didn’t know why. What had I seen?

  Nipa stirred. His eyes were scrunched up and pained. He pulled me closer, his breath ragged in my ear. “I think I see.”

  He rubbed the moss on my skin. The memories soaked back into me, but with a new kind of clarity. When it was over, I struggled for words. “Lord Klark said—well, his doctor—and the maids overheard, so I assumed—” I tr
ied to get it all out, but my thoughts tumbled over each other like waves. “I think Faith did something to me right before I lost my memories. I don’t know what. She tried to hurt me. She did hurt me.” I was suddenly glad I hadn’t seen my sister yet.

  “No, that isn’t quite it,” Nipa said. “But I think you are closer. We will try again and see if you can find new thoughts and meaning.”

  “But she was there. You felt that, didn’t you? When I lost my memories, she was there.”

  “Yes,” he said. “But it is important not to jump to conclusions. There is no context for these thoughts. And Faith-san didn’t know how to trade memories. Understand, she was not capable of taking anything from you. There is more to the past than what you can collect in reflections.”

  Yet she had been there. I wondered what role she had played.

  Chapter Seventeen

  A journey of a billion miles starts with one spaceship.

  —Ancient Jomon proverb

  I entered the great hall, clad in the Tanukijin style of dress. Nipa was meeting with the elders and I was given free rein to do as I pleased. Meriwether and Charbonneau sat with Grandmother Ami in the nearly empty great hall. Captain Ford stared out the window, apart from the others. Meriwether kneeled near a fire trying to communicate with Grandmother Ami despite the barriers of language. She imitated a cough and held up a long green leaf.

  “Capital! I think she means this one is used to treat coughs. Write that down, will you?” Meriwether said to his servant.

  Charbonneau scribbled something in a notebook with a pencil. How he had contrived to get his supplies back I didn’t know.

  Meriwether glanced up. An attempt at a smile twitched his mouth before he returned his gaze to the leaves Grandmother Ami sorted. The warmth drained from my face. Did my guilt show? Did I look too happy?