The art of deception

by Peter Martin

  Now you’re like your mother.’

  ‘You seem pleased, Dad. That seems a bit … hypocritical, after everything you said.’

  ‘I still think you should have had the abortion, but it was your choice and I accept that. Let’s just try to make the best of it and hope that you’re both OK. If not, we’ll have to face it when the time comes.’

  ‘That’s easy for you to say, since you’re not in the thick of it. But I am.

  What if I’m incapable of having any feelings for him? Right now, I just feel as if he doesn’t belong to me.’

  Alan raised his eyebrows. ‘That’s not unusual. I’m pretty sure lots of women suffer the same thing. As long as you get the support you need, it’ll pass within a few weeks.’

  ‘How do you know that? And what if it doesn’t?’

  ‘Go to the doctor.’

  She wasn’t convinced. ‘But if I carry on like this, it won’t be fair on the baby. Maybe I should have him adopted.’

  ‘Hey, hey. That’s a bit drastic, you’ve only had him a day. John will never give him up without a fight, anyway.’

  ‘Well, I’d do it behind his back.’

  pg. 91

  ‘Put those thoughts out of your head – it can’t be done. Why not just give him a cuddle for a few minutes? You might feel different.’

  He tried to hand the baby over to her, but she shied away as if the child was a monster from hell.

  ‘OK, it’s up to you, but at some stage you’ll need to try.’

  ‘No!’

  ‘What would your mother say if she knew what you were contemplating?

  She’d tear a strip off you, for sure.’

  ‘You should go now, Dad, before we fall out.’

  ‘OK, if that’s what you want. I’ll leave the baby here for you, all right?’

  He placed the infant down on the bed and walked out.

  She was left to stare at the baby like a frightened rabbit. Oh God, what should she do? She couldn’t leave him there, but …

  He cried and her eyes widened; she had no idea how to pacify him. She leaned towards him and bile came in her mouth. Was she was going to be sick?

  Clenching her teeth, she moved ever closer, gingerly taking him in her arms to put him back in the cot.

  She prayed he’d stop crying, but no.

  Now what?

  A nurse was walking past.

  ‘Nurse, can you help me please? I’m not sure what to do.’

  ‘Are you breastfeeding?’

  Angie shook her head.

  ‘All right, I’ll have a feed made up. Be five minutes. Holding him might help. He won’t break, love.’

  ‘I’m not feeling well.’

  The nurse sighed. ‘OK.’

  Angie hated letting the nurse see to him, but she couldn’t face doing this until she absolutely had to. She closed her eyes, wanting the ordeal over.

  ‘All done, Angie. But try to do it yourself next time. You really need to make the effort, even though it’s hard. All right?’

  ‘Yes, sorry. I know. I’m just so tired. When can I go home?’

  At least there, John and his family would help, even if only for two weeks.

  But the nurse had gone, and Angie got no reply.

  When lunch came, it broke the monotony of her existence. The baby was awake and quiet but didn’t cry, which she was glad of. She even finished her dinner for the first time in months, and drank a litre of water.

  She glanced at the clock above the door; only an hour remained before John’s family descended on her. Another ordeal with no way out.

  She lay down to rest, hoping they’d think she was asleep and go away. She heard noises around her more than once and voices too, but none she recognised.

  Then John’s booming voice sounded close by her. ‘Angie, there you are.’

  pg. 92

  Her eyes fluttered open and shut; she yawned. ‘Sorry, yes. Still tired, I’m afraid. Hallo.’

  John’s mum beamed at her. ‘Hallo, Angie. May we look at our grandson?’

  ‘Course, please do. He might need changing, though. There are nappies under the cot.’

  John glared at her, then took out a nappy as his mum laid the baby down on the bed. She put the new nappy on and then sat transfixed with him in her arms.

  ‘He’s gorgeous, just like his dad.’

  ‘Think he needs feeding?’ John asked.

  ‘More than likely,’ his mum said.

  George looked around the bedside table. ‘Any feeds made up?’

  ‘No, sorry. Ask one of the nurses,’ Angie said.

  ‘OK.’

  He disappeared and John took over.

  ‘He’s fantastic.’ John’s eyes glistened as he smiled at Angie.

  ‘Mm. Let’s just hope he stays that way.’

  George came back, holding a bottle. Angie hoped he wasn’t planning on giving it to her. But he handed it to John, who already seemed to be a natural with the baby; just what she needed. The baby drank the lot, and John even remembered to bring up the wind.

  ‘You’ve got a job for life there, son.’

  John smiled.

  ‘Thought of any names yet?’ Susan said.

  ‘Well, not yet. We’ll get around to it, won’t we, Angie?’

  To his surprise, she nodded. ‘I’ve been thinking about that. How about Alan or Adam? Adam was my grandfather’s name.’

  ‘How about Alan John? A bit of both families. We could call him AJ for short,’ John said.

  ‘Could do, I suppose. We’ll talk about it when I come out,’ Angie said.

  ‘Any idea when that might be?’

  ‘Maybe tomorrow.’

  ‘Great – it’ll be lovely to have you both home. Let me know what time, and I’ll pick you up.’

  ‘OK.’

  ‘You want to hold her now?’

  Angie hands began to shake. ‘No, I’m tired. If nobody else wants to, put him back in the cot.’

  ‘John, we’d better get going. We don’t want to tire Angie out,’ Susan said.

  ‘Come on, George, let’s go. John, we’ll be waiting in the car – you two have a few minutes together.’

  pg. 93

  George smiled. ‘See you when you’re at home, Angie. Thank you so much for blessing us with our first grandchild – you’ve made two old codgers very happy.’

  This was too much. She gave her in-laws a smile without looking at them, wishing they’d just piss off.

  ‘So, how are you now?’ John asked when they’d left.

  ‘All right, I suppose.’

  ‘Got over the anaesthetic now?’

  ‘Still tired, but I’m hungry for the first time in months. I actually ate all my dinner, which is a blessing. Can’t believe the baby’s turned out to be so healthy after what I went through having him.’

  ‘Yes, I know. Think we all were worried. Glad you’ve got a few suggestions for names, but Alan is a bit old-fashioned, and Adam is quite popular.

  So what did you think of Alan John, AJ for short?’

  ‘Good. I wanted Alan because of Dad – I owe him a lot for looking after me when Mum died. And yes, AJ has a nice ring about it.’

  ‘Wonder what he’ll say when he finds out?’

  ‘Don’t know. He’ll probably tell me not to be so silly and choose a more sensible name.’

  ‘I offered to bring him here with us, actually, but he refused.’

  ‘He came this morning on his own.’

  ‘Oh, did he? That’s nice.’

  ‘Yes, it was. Listen, John, I’ve been thinking. I want to go back to work as soon as possible.’

  ‘What? But you’ll get paid maternity leave for the first six months. What’s the point?’

  ‘Because I need to get out of the house. I can’t face being on my own with the baby.’

  ‘But who’ll care for him?’

  ‘We’ll have to hire a nanny. Sorry, but that’s how I feel.’

  John’s mouth gaped open. But she n
eeded him to know how she felt; if he wasn’t happy with it, then tough.

  ‘Listen, I’ll just drop Mum and Dad off, and then I’ll be back.’

  ‘Fine. You can help me with the baby.’

  ‘It’ll be my pleasure,’ he said with a smile.

  pg. 94

  Chapter 19

  ohn couldn’t believe what she’d said. To talk about returning to work so soon was unbelievable. Perhaps she only said it because she hadn’t got over the J birth, but what if she was serious? What could he do? Nothing.

  He must have looked sour-faced, because when he opened the car door, his mum commented. ‘Is everything all right, son?’

  ‘What? Yeah, I suppose,’ he mumbled, getting in.

  ‘Something’s happened, I can tell. You’ve got that concerned look on your face.’

  ‘I’m fine.’

  ‘Had a row, haven’t you? You’ll have to make allowances, John. She’s been through so much – having a baby takes a lot out of you. Learn to turn the other cheek.’

  ‘She meant what she said.’

  ‘What did she say?’

  ‘That she’s going back to work within the next few weeks.’

  ‘Oh, dear. Why would she do that when she has a newborn baby to care for?’

  ‘No idea. Until she got pregnant, I thought she wanted a baby as much as I did. But ever since then, I’ve had to coax her into even discussing the subject. I’d hoped it would pass once she’d had the child. But it seems not.’

  ‘She’s still fragile, John. She’s been through the mill, and probably doesn’t mean any of what she says. Don’t take it to heart. And even if she actually does as she says, she may not work full-time. If it’s part-time, we’ll help.’

  ‘The ironic thing is, I’d love to stay at home, but it would be impossible, with all our debts. We need my salary.’

  George intervened. ‘Son, it may never happen. And besides, you’ll have two weeks at home to support her. Once she gets into the swing of things, she might realise it’s not as bad as she thinks.’

  ‘Hope so.’

  ‘Why not come around to ours for tea?’

  ‘No, you’re all right, thanks, Mum. I’m going back to the hospital. I’ll grab something there. Perhaps if I’m there, she’ll feel better and it’ll take the pressure off.’

  ‘OK, it’s your call. The offer’s there if you change your mind.’

  ‘Thanks, Mum.’

  After dropping them off, he returned to the hospital to find Angie lying back on the bed, her eyes closed as if she was asleep. The baby was asleep too, so he went for a sandwich and a drink, which he ate sitting by her bed.

  pg. 95

  Just as he finished, he heard the baby crying, so he picked him up and sat down with him, trying to rock him in his arms. He hummed a simple tune, but that didn’t seem to make much difference.

  Angie’s eyes fluttered open.

  John smiled. ‘Just in time, eh?’

  ‘Yes, he probably needs a feed. Ask the nurse for one when you see her.’

  ‘Have you thought about breastfeeding? It would save all this hassle of making up feeds when you get home.’

  She frowned. ‘The milk hasn’t come in yet – the nurse told me two to three days. What, are you trying to get out of the sleepless nights?’

  ‘No, not at all. I’ll still do my bit – changing nappies, getting him to sleep, all that stuff. You’ve no need to worry. I just thought it might save us time in the long run, and it might help you bond better.’

  ‘Or it might make me feel like a bloody dairy cow.’

  ‘Well, don’t you think it’s worth a try? If it doesn’t work we can always go back to using bottles.’

  She gazed into space, unwilling to engage further.

  John shook his head.

  ‘I don’t know what you’ve got against it. It’s the most natural thing in the world. Women have been doing it since the beginning of time. [AB10]And a mother’s milk is much healthier for the baby, don’t you think?’

  ‘Shut up, John. I don’t want to talk about it anymore. All right?’

  He adjusted the teat in the baby’s mouth. ‘OK. It’s up to you, of course.

  Sorry if I went on about it.’

  She didn’t answer him, so he turned his attention fully to his son.

  ‘Wow,’ he said, some minutes later. ‘Looks like he’s drunk the lot! Want me to change him too?’

  ‘If you want to,’ she said. ‘You’re really over the moon about the baby, aren’t you?’

  ‘Of course, it’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me. To us, I mean.’

  ‘Sorry if I’m being ratty. It’s been a long nine months, so full of stress and worry – I don’t know how I got through it all.’

  ‘Me neither. But you did, and now we’ve got so much to look forward to.

  You’ll be fine once you’ve got into the swing of things, I promise.’

  John changed the baby’s nappy like an old hand, then put him back into his cot.

  They held hands for a long time, each locked in their own thoughts, until John realised it was eight-thirty. Time he went home.

  ‘I’d better go now,’ he said, a little louder than normal.

  She opened her eyes and yawned. ‘Shattered,’ she mumbled.

  He kissed her lightly on the lips. ‘Give me a ring in the morning.’ He had one final look at their baby, still fast asleep, and left.

  pg. 96

  <><><>

  He got the call at ten o’clock the next morning. Angie didn’t say much, except for him to bring the car seat and a couple of nappies.

  He breezed into the ward to find her sitting on the bed, the baby still in the cot. She looked up, her expression blank.

  ‘Ready?’ he asked.

  ‘Yes, of course. Put him into the car seat while I get my coat on.’

  ‘OK. How’s he been?’ John strapped AJ into the seat gingerly and covered him with a blanket.

  She ignored the question. ‘Come on, let’s get out of here. This place gives me the creeps.’

  She sat in the back of the car beside her son, but stared out of the window.

  As John drove off, he sensed an atmosphere. They weren’t speaking and he kept glancing in the mirror to see his wife’s glum face. She didn’t appear to be taking an interest in their baby at all.

  When they got back home, Angie went straight to the bathroom, leaving John to bring everything in. Perhaps she just needed a little time to gather herself together. He took AJ out of the car seat and sat on the sofa, rocking his son gently.

  She emerged after fifteen minutes.

  ‘Well, don’t you two look cosy?’

  He smiled. ‘You all right?’

  ‘Mind if I lie down on the sofa? I feel so run-down.’

  ‘Of course. I can look after the baby,’ he said.

  ‘Thanks, John. I’ll make it up to you.’

  ‘Don’t be silly. I can imagine how much giving birth takes out of you. You rest – I’ll look after everything else.’

  <><><>

  By mid-afternoon, she’d got up and suggested she go in the kitchen to cook the dinner. John didn’t seem to mind, even though the idea was to get away from him and baby AJ. She wanted nothing to do with either of them. So she busied herself cooking, trying to drag it out as much as possible.

  John was feeding AJ when she brought in the food.

  ‘Want me to put yours in the oven to keep it warm?’

  ‘Yeah, why not? He seems to be hungry, so I shouldn’t be long.’

  Angie had finished hers before him and left him while she made the tea and washed up. He brought out his empty plate soon afterwards.

  ‘Thank you, darling,’ she said. ‘Why don’t you sit down? Take the weight off your feet.’

  ‘I will do now he’s asleep. He hasn’t been too bad – I expected much worse.’

  pg. 97

  ‘Good for you. I can see you love every minute with him. Why not sle
ep in the second bedroom with him tonight? I’ve put his cot in there. Can’t face those sleepless nights at the moment. It’ll do something to me, I’m sure – I’m aiming to be fit for work as soon as I can. Can’t afford to be off sick, Duncan wouldn’t be happy, considering all the time I had off during my pregnancy. Is that OK?’

  She realised he was struggling to keep control of his temper, but if he lost it, she’d be ready. After all, he was the one who’d wanted children. She still couldn’t understand how it had happened. She’d made sure he wore a condom every time and was certain one hadn’t split. Perhaps God did work in mysterious ways.

  John took AJ upstairs to his cot at nine, let him lie there quietly, and fell asleep.

  When he came back downstairs and told her, she laughed. ‘I always knew you had the knack.’

  ‘Beginner’s luck.’

  ‘Could be, but practice makes perfect.’

  ‘I’m not looking forward to sleeping on my own.’

  ‘Come on, John. It’s not forever. When he sleeps right through, we’ll share a bed again.’

  ‘That could be months away.’

  ‘Don’t fret. It’s not as if I’m going to be jumping into bed with someone else, is it? And as long as you’re the same, there won’t be any problems, will there? Anyway, I’m going up now. If I were you, I’d make up a few feeds and put them in the fridge.’

  ‘Hang on a minute – how about breast feeding? Come on, Angie, you have to at least try. Then when you’ve done it, I’ll take him into the second bedroom –

  all right? Just think of the amount of money we’d save.’

  Angie’s mouth gaped open, but no words came.

  [AB11]‘It’s only a suggestion, Angie. If you don’t feel up to it, you can try tomorrow.’

  ‘See you in the morning.’

  How lovely to have the bed to herself without John slobbering over her; not that she could do anything so soon after the birth, anyway. That would take weeks – and when the time came, she’d be on the pill, and would take it religiously every day. She couldn’t afford another slip-up.

  pg. 98

  Chapter 20

  ngie had gone to sleep quickly the following Wednesday night, exhausted and stressed. Her attempts at breastfeeding hadn’t gone well, with John A constantly breathing down her neck. He couldn’t say she hadn’t tried, even though she was on the verge of giving up; AJ didn’t seem to like her milk and it had been almost impossible to get him to latch on to her nipple. It appeared he’d taken a liking to the formula milk.