by Peter Martin
She woke, depressed, at eight o’clock, already on edge at what the day might bring. A screaming baby and a moaning husband. Her longing for peace and quiet almost overcame her, but she had things to do. She wasn’t looking forward to John going back to work; it was less than two weeks away now.
After breakfast she found him in the living room, AJ on his lap. How sweet, Angie thought, glad they’d bonded so well. It was just a shame work beckoned.
When they got a nanny, hopefully AJ would take to her, too.
John looked up at her with a smile.
She returned it. ‘You like being a dad, don’t you? I’m pleased for you. Pity it’s only for two weeks – although there’s always the evenings and the weekends to look forward to.’
‘Yeah, can’t wait.’
‘Good for you, John,’ she said. ‘I’m afraid I have to love you and leave you. Got an appointment at the register office and then I might browse around the shops. Oh, and I’ll pop in to work to see my friends.’
‘What, without the baby? Won’t they think that strange?’
‘It’s not only a social visit. I want to ask about going back to work.’
‘Angie. You only had a baby just over a week ago. You’ve had major surgery.’
‘I’ll be fine. I’ve always been a quick healer. And as long as I do nothing strenuous, it’ll be OK. When you’ve got a minute, will you compile a list of nannies to interview for AJ?’
‘OK, if I get time. Any idea when you’ll be back?’
‘When I’ve finished, I suppose. No need to cook anything, I’ll grab a bite in Dexford.’
‘If you’re sure. But how are you going to get there? The health visitor said you’re not supposed to drive until six weeks after the birth.’
‘I’ll catch a bus, don’t worry. I’m going now.’ She bent to give him a quick peck on the lips.
‘Aren’t you going to say goodbye to AJ?’
‘Don’t be ridiculous, how can he understand at nearly two weeks old?’
‘Angie, your attitude worries me. He’s your baby too. I know you’re having trouble feeding him, but believe me, it will come. You don’t seem to want to interact with him. What’s the problem? Is there something you’re not telling me?’
pg. 99
Angie glared. Why start on her now? ‘There’s nothing to worry about, I’m fine. Try to remember I’ve just had a baby and I was ill throughout the pregnancy and the birth. So, I’m not going to be in the best frame of mind, am I? See you later.’
‘But …’
She wouldn’t listen to any more of his whinging. Why couldn’t he leave her alone?
For a moment after stepping outside, she stood quivering. A tiny part of her longed to stay with John. What her father had said about baby AJ and her mother haunted her; she should have killed him before he was born.
She caught a bus to Dexford and walked to the municipal buildings, where the register for births and deaths was housed.
The process was straightforward and the registrar didn’t ask any awkward questions. After paying for two copies of the birth certificate, she was off again.
Now to face another ordeal – but either she did this or she got stuck at home with baby AJ. After walking around the block twice, she went inside. There was a new face on reception: young, pretty, curly black hair, bright red lipstick, blue eyes, showing her ample cleavage. She understood why Duncan had hired this woman. And where was Bethany? Doing Angie’s old job, she guessed.
‘Hallo,’ Angie said. ‘Sorry to disturb you, but is Duncan in?’
The girl smiled. ‘In a meeting, I’m afraid. Do you have an appointment?’
‘No, I came in on the off-chance. Any idea how long he’ll be?’
‘Hard to say, but the client’s been with him for half an hour. I’m sure he won’t be too long.’ The girl glanced at the computer and said, ‘He has no appointments until after lunch, but he’ll be out most of the afternoon.’
‘All right if I wait? My name is Angie, I work here – or did until I left to have a baby. I want to speak to him about a personal matter.’
‘Oh, OK, I’ll tell him you’re here. I’m Penny. I’ve heard a lot about you.’
‘Nothing bad, I hope.’
‘No, quite the opposite,’ she giggled. ‘Take a seat.’
‘Thanks.’
Angie sat on an uncomfortable plastic chair.
‘Like a drink? Tea or coffee?’
‘No, I’m fine, thanks.’
Duncan was with his client for over an hour, until suddenly a middle-aged man with a ponytail came rushing out of his office, clearly not happy. Duncan was red in the face, but noticing Angie, stopped in his tracks and smiled.
‘Hallo, Angie. Come on through. Great to see you looking so well.’
‘Thanks, Duncan.’
Angie sat down while Duncan closed the door behind them. He breathed in deeply and took the seat opposite.
pg. 100
‘Tough customer. The bank won’t lend him the money for the mortgage and he’s taking it out on me. Unless he finds another provider, he’ll lose the house.’
‘What a shame.’
‘So, what brings you here? And where’s the baby?’
‘At home with John.’
‘Should have brought him in – we’d love to see him.’
‘Yes, well, that’s by the by. I wanted to ask if I can come back to work early. In, say, two weeks’ time.’
Duncan sat back in his chair, put his hands behind his head. ‘Well, you caught me on the hop there. But you’re not supposed to be here for six months.
And you’ll be getting paid. Why on earth would you want to come back?’
‘I’m not asking you to pay me twice, Duncan, but I have to work.’
‘But what about the baby? Who’ll look after him?’
‘We’re hiring a nanny. And I want full-time if possible.’
‘You won’t see much of your son.’
‘That’s my problem.’
‘Yes, true. Sorry, Angie, but we can’t have you back until the end of the six months. Penny has a contract until then and we’d have to pay that up to allow you back. It makes little sense.’
‘Can’t you keep her on and let me do another job?’
‘There’s not enough work. I’m sorry, Angie. Much as I’d love to have you back early, it’s impossible. Find something else until then, if you must.’
Angie gritted her teeth. ‘There has be a way around this! I need to work, don’t you understand?’
‘Yes, that’s crystal clear, but there’s nothing I can do. I’m sorry.’
Angie squirmed in her seat, panicking as the reality of the situation hit home. She began to weep, but when Duncan came over to comfort her, she shrugged him aside. ‘Leave me alone!’
She got to her feet and rushed out of the office, with Duncan still shouting after her. She wanted so much to run away from everyone. But, realising that there was nowhere to go, she slowed down and stopped, not knowing what to do.
The supermarket around the corner was open, and she needed something to calm her nerves. Picking up a basket, she set off around the store, putting in a few odds and ends. The last item was a small bottle of brandy. She paid for everything by credit card, then found the toilets and went into a cubicle. There she unscrewed the top of the bottle and took a sip. The alcohol warmed her insides almost at once. It helped, but also made her instantly woozy after so many months of not drinking. After putting the bottle back in her bag, she pulled out a packet of mints, stuffed three in her mouth and came out.
She had only one place left to go: home. On the bus back, her head was spinning. She didn’t want John to see her like this but she had no other choice.
pg. 101
Off the bus, she walked slowly, trying hard to concentrate. The house came into view, and she walked up to the front door.
Then the key wouldn’t go in the lock. She feared for a moment that he’d changed the locks, b
ut finally the door opened.
The pram was in the living room and a quick glance inside told her AJ was asleep. Otherwise, the room was empty, but John had to be somewhere. She needed to know where.
She found him in the kitchen, slaving away over a hot stove with his back to her. The smell of a meat pie came from the oven.
‘I’m back.’
He turned around and glanced at her. ‘So I see.’
He didn’t look happy, and she still felt woozy. Had he noticed?
‘Get everything sorted?’
‘The register office was fine, but going into work didn’t turn out well.’
‘Really? Why not?’
‘They won’t let me come back. Not until six months’ time. Can you believe that? I’ve got to get another job, John. I’ll go mad.’
‘There’s no “got to”. You want to. That’s a different thing altogether. Do you care so little for me and AJ?’
‘I do care. It’s just … my emotions are all over the place.’
‘Have you been drinking? I can smell something.’
‘I needed a drink to calm me down. So I bought a bottle from the supermarket and had a little bit. I’ll show you – it’s in my bag. I’m a grown-up, John. I don’t need supervision.’
‘I know having a child can be hard for a woman, but this isn’t normal. In the last nine months I’ve seen sides of you I never knew existed. What’s the problem? Why don’t you want anything to do with our son? It beggars belief.
And what about when I go back to work? You’ll have to look after him then.’
‘Did you get that list of nannies to phone?’
‘No, I didn’t. I’m not doing your dirty work.’
‘I told you to get me a list.’
‘I’ve got better things to do than mess about on the computer for hours, so you can forget it. I’ve been up to my eyeballs with AJ, because somebody has to look after him, don’t they? I’ve changed him six times, fed him, got him to sleep, washed his clothes, everything while you’re doing nothing but trying to get back to work, you selfish cow.’
John never saw the punch coming. It hit him on the nose. And she came at him again, fingernails digging deep into the flesh of his cheeks. He shrieked, fear in his eyes, but she couldn’t stop. For a few seconds, she wanted to kill him, but suddenly the rage left her. Ashamed at what she’d done, she ran upstairs to the bedroom in tears, slamming the door behind her.
<><><>
pg. 102
John was stunned. He remained on the spot, his cheeks burning where she’d scratched him. His nose throbbed and he tasted coppery blood. She’d acted like a maniac – he never realised her capable of such violence. Normally, she was so placid. What had got into her?
In the downstairs toilet, he inspected the damage in the mirror. His nose didn’t look too bad; he dabbed it with tissue paper and wiped away the blood.
The scratches worried him more. Two on each cheek which had fetched blood.
He washed his face and dried it with the towel.
People would notice. Perhaps they’d think he was at fault, but that wasn’t true. He hoped the scratches would at least be gone by the time he went back to work. Best stay away from people for a few days, especially his parents.
An hour later, there was still no sign of Angie. He switched on the computer – resigned to the fact that Angie clearly wasn’t up to looking after AJ
once he’d gone back to work – and sought suitable nannies. But what would Angie do if she couldn’t get a job? He shook his head and started a list.
The baby started crying again.
John sighed, then noticed that Angie was now sitting on the sofa, not moving a muscle. He hadn’t seen her come in.
‘He’s crying. See to him,’ she said.
He rubbed his eyes. ‘All right, I’m coming.’
While Angie sat staring out of the window, he changed the baby’s nappy and put a dummy in his mouth. AJ wriggled his legs and arms and blew funny noises, which made John smile.
‘Thanks for that. What were you doing on the computer?’
‘Looking for nannies, as it happens. Not that you care.’
‘John, that’s not fair. I don’t want to hurt him, but I still can’t bear being in the same room. He’s your responsibility right now because I can’t do it yet – and I might never be able to.’
‘You’re wrong. You’ll be fine when you get better. But find out why and what to do about it.’
She crumpled right in front of him and he took her into his arms. He smoothed her hair with his hand.
‘Help me,’ she whispered.
‘You know I will. But you need to see a doctor. You obviously have a mental health problem. What if you’ve got postnatal depression?’
‘A proper little doctor, aren’t you? Diagnosing my condition, if that’s what it is.’
‘Will you go to the doctor’s? I’ll come with you.’
She moved away, looking at him pensively. ‘I don’t know. You’re the one trying to stop me from going back to work. Can’t you see how important it is to me? I’m good at my job and I enjoy it. If I feel good about work, that’ll help me be a good mother too. So I need to get a job.’
pg. 103
‘Angie, you already have a job. All right, they’ve said you have to wait six months, but you’re getting paid. Make the effort to connect with little AJ, enjoy bringing him up. It’s not just a hard slog.’
‘I can’t. I need to work and I’m going to look for something else temporarily. Then when I’m back at Elliott’s, I won’t feel out of it.’
‘Are you saying you won’t try to get some help? Have you seen the scratches on my cheeks? I’ve never seen you like that before.’
‘You got me so mad I couldn’t help what I did. You don’t understand.’ She rubbed her hands together, blinked faster as if at odds with herself.
‘Please, Angie. You’ve got nothing to lose.’
Angie knew he really did love her. But did she love him? Maybe, but at times she hated him – wanted to strangle him for trying to manipulate her again.
If only he’d stop nagging her.
But what if he was right? Why couldn’t she deal with AJ? She was frightened of what she might become, and what she’d do if he, too, showed the signs in later life. The signs she experienced with her mother. She couldn’t forget those awful days.
‘All right, John. Just don’t expect too much.’
‘Oh, thank God. You won’t regret it.’
‘But I’m still going to get a job and hire a nanny.’
His shoulders sagged again but she refused to budge.
‘Why don’t you pick him up? Touch him. Kiss him. Give him a cuddle.
He’s the most beautiful baby, Angie.’
‘No doubt.’
John went to the cot, lifted AJ out and took him to the settee. ‘Hey. Angie, sit here by us.’
Angie felt the heat flushing onto her face, but did as he asked. She looked at her son for the first time. But it was only a moment before, trembling with fear, she had to look away. Would this dread ever go away?
pg. 104
Chapter 21
he next morning, over breakfast, he soon brought it up again. ‘Want me to phone for an appointment? Or will you do it?’
T She glanced up in dismay. ‘You do it. As early as possible, please, because I’m going out afterwards.’
‘OK.’
He phoned on his mobile but took ages to get through.
‘Nine-twenty – all right?’
‘Perfect, then I’ll be able to search for jobs when we’re done.’
His face dropped but she didn’t react. That was one thing he wouldn’t stop her from doing.
When the time came to leave, she had to speak up. ‘No need for you to come, John. I can handle this. You’d only have to bring the baby with you and you couldn’t come in with me.’
‘No problem. I did think of leaving him with Mum and Dad but we’d have
to explain why – and I’m assuming you don’t want them to know what’s going on. And then there’s these scratches. What do I say? No, we’ll come with you, but we’ll stay in the waiting room. After all, we haven’t taken him out anywhere yet. It’s a nice day, warm too. Let’s take him out somewhere.’
‘No. I’m going to look for a job.’
‘Not for the whole day, surely. Why not go to the job centre this afternoon?’
Angie frowned. ‘No, John. Now stop going on at me.’
<><><>
AJ was asleep in his pram when she emerged from the doctor’s office.
‘How did you get on?’ John asked.
‘I’ll tell you in a minute, but first I’ve got to pop into the chemist’s.’
Five minutes later she came out, clutching a paper bag.
‘Shall we go the park, then?’
‘Sure, if we must.’
‘Want to push the pram?’
She nodded. They didn’t speak again until they’d stopped by the lake and sat on a bench. Surprisingly, AJ was still fast asleep.
‘Go on, then. What did the doctor say?’
‘Not much.’
‘Please, Angie, you were in there for over fifteen minutes. Don’t keep it to yourself.’
‘She gave me tablets but said I’m only to take them as a last resort. She thinks I have the baby blues but it should pass within a few weeks. The tablets pg. 105
are antidepressants, but only a low dose. I told her I find it hard to connect with AJ, and she said it’s a common problem among new mothers. And if I can make the effort to get more involved, my mood should improve.’
He fought the urge to look smug. ‘That’s good. And what do you think?
Do you agree?’
