by Peter Martin
‘Don’t know. I felt fine talking to her but now I’m here, I’m all of a go inside.’ Tears came into her eyes.
‘Hey, don’t get upset. You might have to take tablets to get through this sticky period, but it may not be for long. All right?’
She nodded.
He took her hand. ‘Stop crying, Angie, please. You’ll wake AJ.’
‘Sorry. I do want to be a good wife and mother, John – but I’m not much of a success at either, am I? Anyway, I’d best be on my way.’ She got to her feet.
‘Well, surely not right this minute. He’s gone back to sleep, and the sun’s shining – why don’t we sit here for a while longer?’ John feared the worst, but he had to try to keep her spirits up.
‘No. I’m going to see what temporary jobs are available at the job centre.’
‘Can’t you put that to one side for a few days and get acquainted with our son? Once you have, you might forget all about this job lark.’
‘It’s no use. I thought I could when I was talking to the doctor, but now it’s a different matter altogether. Sorry, John. I’m doing my best.’ She walked off.
‘Angie, please wait. Can’t we at least walk with you to the town centre?’
She didn’t listen and marched off past the park entrance. By the time John and AJ got there, she’d disappeared.
<><><>
At half past three, the front door opened. She looked drained and took in a deep breath, closing her eyes when John came into the hall to greet her.
‘Where on earth have you been? Everything all right?’
‘Not really.’
‘Did you go to the job centre? How did you get on?’
‘Lousy. Not many temporary jobs – and those that are, I’m not qualified for. Nothing doing at the agencies either. Oh God, what am I going to do?’
‘Well, it’s not the end of the world.’[AB12]
‘I need a job or I’ll be left here on my own.’
‘Shall I ask Mum and Dad to help you when I go back to work?’
Her eyes widened as if she thought him mad; he dreaded what she’d say next.
‘I won’t let them do that. They’ll take over and treat me like an idiot. I wish you didn’t have to work. Can’t you ask for more time off, while I get another job?’
pg. 106
‘I could, but I’d soon use up my quota of holidays. And after that it’s unpaid leave. We can’t afford for me to be at home for long.’
She huffed and puffed.
He changed the subject. ‘Had anything to eat?’
‘What? No, I haven’t had time.’
‘How about a sandwich?’
‘I’m not an invalid. I’ll do it myself when I’m ready.’
‘All right, no problem.’
‘Where’s the computer? I want to scout for jobs online.’
‘Angie, can you please give it a rest? Carry like this, and you’ll get even worse’
‘Very likely.’
She switched the laptop on, logged in and started a search.
John shook his head in despair, but left her alone. As long as AJ remained asleep, he should make a start on the dinner. At least if he stayed in the kitchen, she’d have to see to the baby herself.
Half an hour later, she rushed in. ‘John, he’s crying and I think he needs changing.’
‘Can’t you do it? I’m up to my eyeballs here.’
‘Let me take over, then you can sort him out.’
‘No, Angie, you do it.’
‘But I’m in the middle of filling in a job application.’
‘Well, it will just have to wait. I won’t do everything on my own, Angie.
This baby is as much yours as mine. Take some responsibility and help me look after him.’
She gritted her teeth and stormed out.
He carried on washing up but when the baby’s cries continued, he was puzzled. He left the crockery and cutlery on the draining board and charged into the living room. The baby was still crying – but where was Angie? He got the answer when he caught a glimpse of her car moving off the drive. Unbelievable.
pg. 107
Chapter 22
he had the urge to drive onto the motorway in the wrong direction and crash into the biggest lorry she saw. But she hadn’t the courage to do that. She S was afraid of everything these days, including – no, especially – tending to a defenceless little baby. John shouldn’t push her because that’s when she did bad things.
There remained only one place to go, so she turned off to the right. That house was rapidly becoming the only place she felt at peace.
She parked the car in front of the garage and sighed with relief. The door opened and out he came, all smiles, and took her into his arms, holding her close as she wept.
‘Come on in, love.’ He guided her inside.
‘Thanks, Dad,’ she whimpered.
‘I’ll make us a drink, shall I? A coffee with a dash of rum in it? That’ll give you a lift.’
She smiled, wiping her eyes with a tissue. Alan returned with a mug.
‘Here, get that in you. Then tell me what’s bugging you. They say a problem shared is a problem halved.’
They sat together on the settee. He took her left hand in both of his, and she told him.
He listened intently, shaking his head every so often.
‘It’s not just the baby, Dad, it’s everything.’ she said. ‘I have no interests, and they won’t let me work until my six months’ leave are up. I love my job and I miss it. That’s why I need something temporary.’
‘You said the doc gave you tablets. Have you taken any yet?’
‘I’m not sure I should. Once you’re on those things, you can’t get off them.
I could be hooked for life.’
‘There's millions of folks on them, Angie. I was on antidepressants myself when your mum was ill, and after she died. It took me months to get well, but I did it in the end. If you need them, for God’s sake take them. They help.’
‘I never knew you were on tablets, Dad. And here’s me thinking how strong you were.’
‘Well, nothing’s easy in life. Bringing up kids is difficult. Remember I had to bring you up on my own and go to work. And as I recall, you had a few tantrums of your own. It wasn’t until you met John that your rebellious side mellowed.’
She smiled, remembering only too well what she’d put him through as an adolescent.
‘What about me going to work, Dad?’
‘I can’t say. I’m thinking maybe you’ll change your mind once you get into a routine with little AJ.’
pg. 108
‘No, I won’t. You’re saying the same as John. But I need to keep myself occupied by working because it makes me feel good about myself.’
‘Won’t bringing up AJ make you feel the same way?’
‘Who knows? At the moment it just feels like a chore and I dread it.’
‘Why not do both? Work part-time for, say, three days a week and be with your son the other days?’
‘Can I have another drink?’
‘Sure, what do you want?’
‘A rum and black?’
‘OK, coming up. Think I might join you.’
He gave her the glass and sat beside her; put his arm around her and brought her close, like he did when she was a kid years ago. She leaned her head against his shoulder.
‘Hey, when you were a teenager, we used to watch films together, me and you on a Friday night. Remember? Your favourite was Avatar, I seem to remember?’
‘God, yes. Haven’t seen that in ages.’
He put the TV on, but before long she’d slipped into a world of dreams.
<><><>
John was tearing his hair out. Where had she gone? Three hours had passed and there was still no sign of her. He tried phoning but got no reply. Then texting her.
Still nothing. Then it came to him: her dad. As he was about to ring, his own phone beeped.
‘Hi, John, Alan here. Just to let you know
Angie’s here with me. She’s fine.’
‘Oh, thank God. Can I have a word with her? I’ve been worried sick.’
‘Sorry, she’s asleep. Had a little bit too much to drink. Best leave her to sleep it off, and she’ll be with you in the morning.’
‘You sure about that?’
‘Well, she didn’t say she wouldn’t. Don’t worry – I’ll make sure she comes home.’
‘How’s she been?’
‘Upset at first. But I had a long talk with her and I think she’s beginning to come to her senses.’
‘Thanks, Alan, I appreciate it.’
‘No worries. She’ll be fine. She’s promised to take those antidepressants.
So that’s a start, isn’t it?’
‘Yes.’
‘How’s the baby?’
‘Fast asleep.’
‘You and Angie will have to bring him over. I’m dying to see him.’
pg. 109
‘You bet. I’ll talk to her, try to arrange something.’
‘That would be good. Speak soon, John. Sorry about all this trouble, but let’s hope she’s on the mend.’
‘Let’s.’
John breathed a sigh of relief. He’d been imagining all sorts. The way she was going, he’d be on tablets himself.
<><><>
He brought AJ downstairs and sat in the armchair, watching breakfast TV. It helped to pass the time while he fed him.
Halfway through the feed, he heard a car pull up outside. Then the front door opened and in she walked, looking at the ground.
He turned the TV off. ‘Thank God you’re back. I haven’t slept a wink.
Look, I was out of order about you looking after the baby. I’m sorry.’
‘That’s all right – it’s my fault. I shouldn’t have reacted, but I couldn’t help myself. It was silly of me to run off without a word. I panicked, didn’t know what I was doing. It won’t happen again.’
‘Doesn’t matter, so long as you’re OK. I know you’re suffering right now, and I just have to make allowances until you’re better. You don’t look very well, actually.’
She smiled ruefully. ‘Got a hangover. Dad always gives me too much to drink and it goes straight to my head. I’d have come back otherwise, but I wasn’t capable of driving. I keep telling him, but he thinks two large shots of rum will do me good.’
‘So what did he say?’
‘Not that much. Just trying to talk me into taking the medication. So, that’s what I’ll do. I’ll take them in a few minutes.’
He nodded. ‘You’ll feel the benefit once they’re in your system. I think we should hold fire on the nanny, see how you get on, on your own. If you have problems, then we’ll discuss what to do next.’
Angie’s anger resurfaced. ‘No, John! That’s not what I’m going to do –
and you know what? Dad agrees with me!’
John shook his head. ‘I’m not having that. You’re being paid for six months to look after AJ, and that’s what you should do. You do any other job and you’ll be taxed to the hilt. Working for next to nothing would be plain ridiculous.’
‘You can’t stop me.’
‘Anyway, you’ve got to get a job first – and that won’t be easy.’
‘Won’t it? Just you wait and see.’
‘I’m not going to interfere. But think of the baby. You want a stranger looking after him? Who knows what it’ll do to him?’
She grinned. ‘You know nothing. He won’t bond with anyone at his age.
He’s only a few weeks old.’
pg. 110
‘You’d be surprised.’
<><><>
On Monday morning, John had to return to work. She dreaded being alone with the baby, but she had no choice.
Her heart sank when his alarm went off.
‘Wish you didn’t have to go,’ she said, taking hold of his hand.
‘So do I. I hate leaving you here on your own.’
‘I’ll be fine – don’t fret.’
‘At least we’re sharing the same bed again.’
‘I know. Just remember we can’t have sex until my stitches have healed.’
He winked at her. ‘There’s still plenty we can do,’ he said, pulling on his dressing gown.
John kissed her on the lips and went to the bathroom. She remained in bed, afraid. If AJ woke up after John left for work, could she cope? [AB13]She knew what to do, but whether she could bring herself to do it was another matter.
She stayed in bed, eyes closed, hoping her problems would disappear. She smelled toast, then heard John coming up the stairs. He pushed the door open with his foot.
‘Hey, I brought you breakfast,’ he said, giving her arm a shake.
She rubbed her eyes and, blinking, saw him standing there with a tray full of food. There was cereal, milk, tea, toast and marmalade.
Angie sat up. ‘Wow, John, you’re spoiling me.’
He put the tray on her lap. ‘Just a thank you for allowing AJ in our room and me back into our bed. But I’d better get a move on. Got to be out of the house in half an hour. I bet I’ve a mountain of work to do – God knows when I’ll be home.’
She didn’t react, but seethed inwardly. Insensitive pig.
After finishing breakfast, she went downstairs. John appeared to be in a rush.
‘Have you woken AJ?’ he asked.
‘No, I thought I’d let him wake himself.’
‘He needs feeding and changing, Angie. And a wash. Better make a start, darling, or you’ll be snowed under.’
‘Yes, John. I know. You’ve spent the last two weeks ramming it down my throat, telling me how hard it is.’
‘I’m only trying to help. I want you to succeed at this. It’ll make a big difference, don’t you see?’
‘You think?’
‘Yes, I do. Come on, you said those tablets you’re taking have helped –
and that’s after just a couple of days. If you can get through looking after AJ
today, it’ll be the icing on the cake.’
pg. 111
‘John, I’m frightened I’ll do something to him without knowing it. I get in such a flap when I’m stressed. What if I lash out at him and hurt him? I’d never forgive myself.’
John smiled as if he didn’t believe her. ‘You’d never do that. Because deep down, you love him as much as I do. I’ve seen it in your eyes.’
‘I hope you’re right, because if not you’ll have it on your conscience for life.’
‘Rubbish. Now, I really can’t stay any longer. Time to go. You’ll be fine, I promise you. But if you want to ring me, you can.’
She tried not to let him see her shaking as he kissed her on the lips and said goodbye.
The front door slammed shut.
AJ started to cry.
Calm down, she told herself. She needed to take her tablets to stay focused – but first her little son wanted her. She picked him up and laid him on the bed, found a nappy and took off his sleepsuit. The dirty nappy was half on and half off, and spilled its contents over the bed cover. He kept wriggling about, making her job harder. She threw the nappy on the floor and tried to put on the new one. It took her ten minutes to get AJ sorted … and as soon as he was in his cot, he cried again. Hungry, no doubt.
She rushed downstairs to the fridge, took out a bottle and, while it was warming, took a tablet. Relief crept through her veins.
Having tested the milk, she rushed up the stairs and found the baby still crying. She held him to her breast and took him to the bed.
He gobbled up his feed in double quick time, and she brought up his wind easily. Having wiped his mouth, she laid him in his cot. A smile briefly appeared on her face as she felt a flicker of self-confidence. But then she remembered the mess on the bed cover. She needed to change it and put it the washer.
As she reached the bottom of the stairs, she heard him crying again. Now what? She brought him downstairs and tried to settle him in the pram.
Within five minutes, he was asleep. She’d done it.
The feeling of elation didn’t last long. At a loose end, with little to do except moving the bedcover from the washer to the tumble dryer, she found herself itching to go out. She felt ridiculous – trapped in her own house by a baby.
This was why she needed to work. She’d told John time and time again, but he wouldn’t listen. If anything happened, he’d get the blame; she hoped he realised that.
She wanted a drink.
Just one brandy to steady her nerves.
She swallowed it in one gulp, felt the liquid warming her insides and at once she calmed down. Better than those stupid tablets, she thought.
The phone rang. There was only one person it could be.
‘Angie, how are you doing?’
pg. 112
‘All right, everything is under control. I’ve fed him, changed him, got him to sleep. He’s been fine. No problems.’
She heard John’s sigh of relief. ‘See! You did it! I’m so glad. We’re lucky, Angie, he’s such a good baby. It will be wonderful watching him grow up.’
‘Yes – I’m finding that out.’
‘So now I don’t want to hear you moaning over not having a job.’
Angie gripped the phone tighter.
‘If I must.’
‘That’s a good girl. Speak to you later.’
As she put the phone on the table, the tension rose again. She’d get a job if it killed her.
pg. 113
Chapter 23
ohn put on his coat and said goodbye to his colleagues. Yet again, he was late leaving work. He ran down the stairs to the car park at the back of the J building, wondering how Angie was getting on. He’d spoken to her at lunchtime and noticed she’d been a little tetchy, probably annoyed at him for ringing her again, so he’d left her alone for the afternoon. Now, driving home, he felt guilty – had he done wrong? Or would she say he didn’t care?
When he opened the front door, silence greeted him.
He walked through the hall to the living room. She was sprawled out on the settee, fast asleep. But where was the baby? And the pram?
