Her Name Was Annie

by Beth Rinyu

  “You never got to meet her?”

  “No. I got banished to my aunt’s house in Massachusetts, gave birth to her, came back to California, and was to never speak of it again, like it never happened. But guess what? It did happen…to me. I think about her all the time. Is she happy? What’s she doing with her life now? Every year on her birthday, I have a piece of cake, pretending she’s there with me. It’s something others may have been able to erase from their past, but it’s something I never want to forget. That baby I never got to hold, or tell I loved will always have a huge part of my heart. So now you have the whole story, forty-eight years later. I’ll spare you and myself the details of what your brother did because unlike my beautiful baby girl, that is something I do want to forget.”

  He drew in a deep breath and looked around aimlessly. “I have a daughter out there somewhere.” I could hear the emotion building in his voice. “Things…my life could’ve been so different, if—”

  “If you had just believed me instead of your brother. Yes, Tommy, it would’ve been a lot different for both of us.”

  He raked his hands through his disheveled hair and took a deep breath. “I’m so sorry. I know that’s not going to make up for what you lost…what we lost.”

  “You didn’t lose anything. You went on with your life, not caring what you or your brother did to me and not even knowing that you had a child. You were a Cavlan and that’s all that mattered. I thought you were different than the rest of them, but I guess I learned the hard way you weren’t.”

  He shook his head. “That’s not true at all. You wouldn’t have wanted to be around me when I came back. Hell, I didn’t even want to be around myself. I was angry all the time. I drank too much. I did other things I had no business doing. It took me a long time to come to my senses, and when I did, I knew it was too late to ever get you back. I can’t go back and make up for all the wrong I did to you, but I can try and make it somewhat right.”

  “No. You can’t,” I whispered. “It will never be right because I’ll always have a part of me that’s broken inside and can’t be fixed.”

  “I can find her. Regardless if you want to meet her or not, at least you can know a little about her. Maybe answer some of the questions you’ve had all these years.”

  The idea of him finding her was ludicrous, and the fact that I was actually entertaining it in my mind was even more ridiculous. If…and that was a big if, he was even able to find her, what would I do once he did? Even worse, what if she had a horrible life or what if she wasn’t even alive anymore? Anything was possible. But even with all of those different scenarios tossing around in my mind, there was still a huge piece of my heart that belonged to the daughter I had never met. If there was a chance I could get even a small glimpse into her world, I was going to take it. “You do know that obtaining information on an adoption that took place almost fifty years ago is going to be almost impossible, don’t you?”

  “I have connections that make it a little easier to get that information.”

  I felt like I was selling my soul to the devil by taking advantage of the Cavlan connections. “Well, I hope you succeed in finding her. If you do, I don’t think it’s wise to tell her anything. She may not even know she was adopted.”

  “I’m not doing this for me. I blew my chance at ever being a part of her life when I wrote you off. I’m doing this for you, so maybe you can one day get the opportunity to finally meet her and get some closure.”

  Tears pooled in my eyes just imagining what it would feel like to hug her and to look into her eyes for the very first time. It had been the one wish I’d made every year when I blew out my birthday candles or whenever I’d look at the clock when it was exactly 11:11. I had been blessed with a good life. I had the best husband and a wonderful daughter, but there always seemed to be a part of me that was missing, and I knew that part would be nearly impossible to ever find again. Now, the man responsible for that missing piece was offering to help locate it for me, and I had every intention of taking him up on that offer.

  “Can you give me her birthday, and do you remember the name of the hospital where you had her?”

  I gave him all the details. As I watched him scribble everything down on a napkin, my mind slowly began to drift back to that warm August day….

  I was in labor for eight hours before she finally decided to make her entrance into the world. As much as I wanted the pain to go away, I didn’t want her to come out because I knew it would be the end. I’d never feel her flutter around in my belly again. For those nine months she had been my only comfort and my only friend. I’d talk to her every day and tell her about my hopes and fears. I didn’t feel so lonely knowing she was growing inside me. I fought against my body and the doctor’s orders in those final moments as he and everything inside me were telling me to push. I was trying to hold on a little while longer just to have more time with her, but the natural process of labor wouldn’t allow it. When I heard her cries for the very first time, my arms yearned to hold her. “Is it a girl?” I asked the nurse. She reluctantly nodded. I wasn’t supposed to know any details of this human being I carried around for nine months and then pushed out of me. “Can I please see her?” My exhausted voice wavered.

  “No. You need some rest,” the nurse replied. “Go to sleep. It’s all over.”

  I shook my head, trying desperately to swallow the painful lump in my throat. Through my stinging tear-filled eyes, I watched as they wrapped her in a blanket and whisked her out of the room, not even allowing me a small glimpse of my baby girl. I would’ve suffered a thousand more days like the day Dominick had raped me just to not have to suffer the pain I was feeling inside of my heart at that moment. I felt so empty and more alone than ever. How could I go on living my life, knowing that a child of mine who I’d never know existed somewhere?

  “I’ll keep you posted on whatever I find out,” Tommy spoke, snapping me from my daydream.

  My gaze met his, and I was finally able to look at him for the first time since he had sat down with a clear head. Here I was making a pact with a man who was once the love of my life and then my greatest enemy. But as I stared into brown eyes this time, it was as if every single emotion I had felt for him in the past had faded. I didn’t love him and I didn’t hate him anymore either.

  I reached into the pocket of my purse and pulled out the locket I had carried everywhere with me. Another one of my silly superstitions, thinking it would bring me luck or maybe it was because it made me feel as if I was carrying a part of her around with me. Stretching my arm across the table, I uncurled my fingers. “I found this at a flea market when I was pregnant. I bought it with the allowance my aunt had given me for doing chores around the house. I always knew she was a girl. I called her Annie whenever I’d talk to her in my belly. When I saw this locket with that name etched across it, I had to buy it. I thought it was fate, and maybe a sign that everything would be okay. I’ve carried it around with me every single day of my life since then. I want you to take it while you try and find her. Maybe it will bring you some luck.” I placed it in the palm of his hand, and he gazed down at the shiny gold heart.

  “Annie,” he whispered as a lone teardrop rolled past his cheek. “My daughter…her name was Annie.”

  Chapter 25

  I WAS A blubbering mess by the time she finished telling me about her meeting with Tommy. We both grabbed napkins from the holder on the table and dabbed our eyes. “We must look crazy to anyone watching us.” Francesca smiled through her tears.

  “So, how did you know he found me, and why did he…why did he kill himself?” I asked.

  She reached into her purse and pulled out an envelope that was addressed to her. She nodded, giving me permission to take the letter out. I unfolded the paper and kept my napkin close by, certain I was going to need it once again when I was done reading it.

  Dear Frankie,

  I found her. Her name is Stephanie McGuire. She’s a teacher and has a daughter in c
ollege. They’re both beautiful women, although it doesn’t surprise me, knowing who their mother and grandmother are. When I met up with you at the coffee shop, I never expected to be taking a cross-country trip to find a daughter I never knew I had, but I’m so glad I did.

  What I didn’t tell you that day was I have stage four lung cancer and have only been given a short time to live. So seeing my daughter and granddaughter for the very first time before I leave this earth was the best gift I could’ve asked for. It also got me thinking of how different things could’ve been, and how Dominick altered that life I could’ve had. You have a chance to let the world know what Dominick did to you…and to us. Don’t let him get away with it again. Be the voice for that woman he’s done this to once again. A voice that no one had for you.

  My guilt over what I’ve done is eating away at me. I could say it a million times and it won’t change the outcome, but I truly am sorry for everything you went through. I’ve enclosed some pictures of her and her daughter as well as her address. I’ve also enclosed the letter you wrote me all those years ago, trying to tell me the truth. The one I should’ve believed—in case you need it. I know I’ll never see you again in this lifetime, but maybe in the next one, we’ll meet and be able to make things right. I hope that one day you get to meet her, and if you do, please give her a hug from me.

  Love always,

  Tommy

  I covered my mouth with my hand, choking back my sob. Everything about their story was so tragic. “He killed himself because of the cancer or because of his guilt?”

  “I think it was a little bit of both,” she replied.

  “The way he did it…I just can’t imagine what must’ve been going through his head to jump into a ravenous ocean.”

  “That was Tommy. He chose to end his life in the place he loved the most. He was an avid surfer back in the day, always loved being in the water. I guess in a way it was fitting that he let the ocean take his life instead of cancer. I have something else that I need to give you.” She hesitated for a split second before reaching back into her purse and pulling out another envelope. This one had my name on it. She slid it across the table and explained, “He sent this with my letter and asked me to give it to you if we ever met up. Read it when you’re up to it.” She covered my hand with hers.

  “Thanks,” I whispered, not knowing when or if I’d ever muster up the courage to take a look at what he had written. I knew our time was running short. She had to leave soon to get ready to head to the airport, but I still had so many questions. I wanted to know more about her and her life. “So are you going to do what he asked? Are you going to call his brother out for what he did to you?”

  “I don’t know.” She sighed and stared past me deep in thought. “Part of me wants to see that son of a bitch get his due. It makes me sick to my stomach to think he did this to someone else, and possibly others who haven’t come forward. But now that I’ve finally met you, I feel so at peace with everything in my past. I know that may sound weird, but I do.”

  “I don’t think it sounds weird at all.”

  “The bond you feel with a child you’ve carried inside you never goes away, regardless if you’ve never met them or not. It’s so hard to explain.”

  I swallowed hard and blinked away another bout of tears. “I understand completely.” She gazed at me thoughtfully over her coffee cup, allowing me to collect my emotions to move on with my story. “When my daughter was four years old, I became pregnant again. We were ecstatic because I had a few miscarriages prior to that. Jack, my ex-husband, was…is an FBI agent. He was working on a big organized crime case at the time. They had made some pretty big arrests of some of the top people involved.”

  I sucked in some air and shook my head, trying desperately to gather the courage to continue. “I was just about eight months pregnant and taking my daughter to dance class. I didn’t know that I was being followed by someone related to the case Jack had been working on. Someone who wanted to pay him back for”—I looked away and bit down on my lip—“leading the case. We were on the highway and he came over in my lane. I had nowhere to go but into the concrete median that was straight ahead. I was doing well over sixty miles an hour when we hit it. I didn’t realize who this person was that was following me until the last few seconds. I knew deep inside my heart that they had something to do with the case Jack had been spending every second of the day on.”

  “Oh my God.” Francesca’s eyes widened, and she reached across the table for my hand.

  “I ended up losing the baby in the impact. I didn’t even know what was happening at the time. When I finally came out of it days later in the hospital, my baby was gone. When I woke up, Jack had told me they had done an emergency C-section, and I begged him to bring the baby to me. I actually thought he was okay. I wanted to hold him so badly. That was the first time I had ever seen Jack cry, and I knew our little boy didn’t make it. Then there was Kara. She had to have emergency surgery and ended up with a broken collarbone and broken ribs. I blamed Jack for all of it.”

  She tilted her head and stared at me thoughtfully. “It’s human nature when something traumatic like that happens to want to blame someone else.”

  “I guess.” I nodded and dried my tear-stained face with my shirt sleeve. “But I blamed Jack for the rest of our marriage. I totally shut down on him. I was angry all the time. I refused to talk to him about it. I refused to talk to anyone about it for that matter. I never once took into consideration how he was feeling. He had lost his son too. He had to be strong for Kara when she came out of surgery, and for me when I woke up. He could’ve lost everyone that day. I’m sure that stayed with him for a long time.”

  “Did you ever tell him you were sorry?”

  “Funny you should ask that.” I traced my finger on the rim of my coffee cup. “We actually talked about it for the first time last night. Seventeen years after it happened and eight years after our divorce.”

  “It sounds to me that you still love him a lot.”

  “Of course, I love him, he’s the father of my child, and I’ve known him since high school. I don’t love some of the choices he made, but I do love him as a person.”

  She scratched her head, then folded her hands on the table. “Maybe you should tell him that.”

  “That I love him?” I let out a nervous laugh.

  “Yes,” she replied matter-of-factly.

  “I couldn’t do that.”

  “Why not? You just said you do.”

  “Yes, but we’re finally in a good place now.” At least I thought we were. After sleeping with him, I wasn’t exactly sure where we stood anymore. “I think he knows I’ll always care about him without me saying it.”

  “If there is one bit of advice you’ll allow me to give you, let it be this. Please don’t have any regrets. Fight for what makes you happy and what you love at all costs. I often think if I had just defied my parents and told them I was keeping you. If I had refused to sign those adoption papers, things would’ve been so different.”

  “You would’ve been a teenage mother, struggling to care for a baby all on your own. What you did was the most courageous and unselfish thing a person could ever do, and I admire you so much for it. Please don’t ever second-guess yourself.”

  “That means so much coming from you,” she whispered. She gazed down at her watch and sighed. “I don’t want our time to end.” I didn’t either, such a stark contrast as to how I was feeling a few hours ago. There was so much more I wanted to know about her, so much more I wanted to tell her about my life, but I knew she had a flight to catch.

  “Me neither.” I smiled. “I really would like to keep in touch, if that’s okay with you.”

  “Is that okay with me? Are you crazy? It’s my dream come true!” She beamed.

  “I would love for you to meet Kara and my father.”

  “Oh, honey, you just tell me when, and I’ll be on the next flight out here.”

  We exchanged phone numb
ers, paid the bill, and embraced in a hug that made up for all the ones we had missed out on over the years. It was weird how we had each entered that coffee shop alone as strangers, tense and frightened, not knowing how the other would respond. But as we exited together, we were two missing pieces that had finally been connected and totally in sync with the other.

  Chapter 26

  I WAS THANKFUL for the text I had gotten from Kara, letting me know she was running to the store for a bit. I was mentally exhausted and needed some time alone to process everything from the last few hours. There was so much recapping of the story I needed to divulge to everyone—Kara, Jack, and my father, but for those few silent moments, it was something that was just between Francesca and me.

  I was amazed at how easily I was able to talk to her, especially about the baby. That was a subject that was always off-limits with anyone, but the words spewed out so easily with her. Maybe it was because I knew she could relate over how it felt to have your child ripped from your body and your heart. I had planned to call my father and ask him over for dinner, so I could tell him and Kara all the details at the same time.

  Then there was the letter I had placed on the counter just begging to be read. As I stared at my name written on the envelope, it was hard to fathom how a name I had written thousands upon thousands of times could look so foreign to me. My whole life I had gone by that name, but to Francesca, I had always been Annie. What would my life have been like if I was Annie instead of Stephanie? Would my Kara be a different version of the perfect girl I loved so much? I would’ve never known the love my mother and father had given me my entire life, and I would’ve never met Jack.

  I put the envelope back in my purse, not ready to open it just yet. The one thing I couldn’t avoid any longer was letting Jack know what I had discovered, so he could halt whatever time and effort he was putting into this investigation of my father. I remembered him mentioning a meeting this afternoon, so I sent him a text instead of calling.