His Package

by Bloom, Penelope

  “You really think this is going to work?” Lilith asked me.

  “Don’t stare,” I said. “Celia knows we’re here, but if she sees us watching her too closely she’s probably going to start getting suspicious.”

  “How long do you think it will take her to fall for this if it does work?”

  “I don’t know. But Price and I are giving this guy access to our money, so he should be able to sell the fact that he’s loaded pretty easily. Celia has always been a gold digger, but she’s prideful, too. If she can have her rich whale of a husband and have him be young and good looking, I think she’ll jump at the chance. It’s like a trophy to her, and she wants the best, shiniest one. So if this guy can make her think that’s what he is, I think it could actually work.”

  “So he seduces her, convinces her to divorce her husband, and then he just drops her.”

  “Unless you want to call it off,” I said.

  She shook her head. “Think about everything she did. The camera. Miss Megaboobs. I mean, trying to get somebody to divorce their husband is kind of taking things up a few notches, I’ll admit, but I don’t want to call it off. Revenge boner, remember?”

  “I remember. I feel a little bad about this. I have to be honest.”

  “We’re not backing out, bucko.” She sounded more confident now. “Think about it. If by some miracle, she actually cares about her husband, she wouldn’t even think about divorcing him in the first place. This only works if the marriage was a sham to begin with.”

  Price joined us. “This guy is a pro. Trust me. He could sell salt to a snail.”

  "I thought it was speedos to Eskimos," I said.

  “It’s both. He’s a natural. Absolutely no remorse. Honestly, the guy always strikes me as a bit of a sociopath, so I doubt this will even psychologically scar him.”

  “I want to ruin Celia’s life, not end it. If this guy is dangerous, we need to call the plan off.”

  Price held up his palms to me. “Easy. Poor choice of words. Besides, I said a bit of a sociopath. I just mean most guys I bring into sales get all moral about tricking people into buying something they shouldn’t have. He just wants the sale. Doesn’t care if it’s good or bad for the client. Trust me, he’s the man for this job.”

  “What did you say his name was?”

  “Florian.”

  Lilith choked back a laugh.

  “What?” Price asked.

  “He doesn’t look like a Florian. I picture long hair and bulging muscles. Maybe somebody French.”

  “Yeah, well, laugh all you want, but Florian will get this done. I guarantee it.”

  19

  Lilith

  I called my best friend, Emily, for the first time since I’d met Liam. I was glad long-distance calling wasn’t a thing anymore, because I was sure making a call to Paris would have probably cost a fortune otherwise.

  I was sitting in the window nook of Liam’s apartment with New York City sprawled out beneath me. With my forehead on the glass, I felt like I was floating above it all. Liam was at work, and I had the day off because William bought one of those water-powered jetpacks the other day and hadn’t been able to stop playing with it long enough to come to work.

  Emily picked up after a few rings.

  “Lilith!” She said. “It has been killing me not to call you, but I know better than to pester you. Kinda like how a cat will only come sit on your lap if you ignore it, but if you call for it, it ignores you.”

  I smiled. I’d been doing that more lately, and I wasn’t quite sure how to feel about it. “I like when you compare me to cats.”

  “I know,” she said, and I could hear the smile in her voice. “Oh, I have good news. I am going to have one of my sculptures on display at the Louvre. It’s going to be temporary, obviously, but they do this thing for students where you get to have a piece up in a student gallery for the weekend.”

  “Does the sculpture have a penis?”

  She laughed. “Um, well. It’s more like a city on a cloud kind of thing? It’s hard to explain, but I’ll send you pictures when it’s up.”

  “Are you allowed to do something actually cool like that? I thought modern art was just spilling paint on random objects that aren’t traditionally used as canvases. Well, that, or slapping a really graphic depiction of penises and vaginas on things because it’s edgy.”

  She didn’t say anything for a few seconds. “Hey… You sound different.”

  “What? No I don’t. Probably just your shitty phone.”

  “No. You sound happy. What’s going on over there? Did you watch somebody die recently?”

  “It’s a guy,” I said slowly. “Like a relationship, I guess you could call it.”

  Another pause.

  “Lilith!” She squealed.

  I pulled my ear away from the phone and winced at the sudden burst of sound. “Don’t get all weird on me. Okay?”

  “Okay. Okay.” Emily blew out a slow breath like she was actively trying to calm herself. “How long?”

  “A month,” I said. “I’ve been living in his place now for like three weeks. Roosevelt is here, too.”

  “What’s his name?”

  “Liam.”

  “Wait, you moved in with him after a week? That seems fast. He’s not some kind of weirdo, right?”

  “It’s just temporary. The move-in. I mean, my apartment is basically empty now and I haven’t been over there in over a week… but I never promised him I’d be staying long term.”

  “Okay, so you moved in after a week. Temporarily. You’re obviously falling pretty hard for him, but you’re also trying to hold back from committing because…”

  “I’m not holding back from committing. I’m just, I don’t know, waiting? I’ve never done this before. High school relationships were easier because moving in wasn’t an option. You just sat next to the guy on the bus and ate with him at lunch. Done deal. Now I’m supposed to figure out what everything means?”

  Emily laughed. "Okay. Look. Obviously, I'm no expert, either, but if you moved in, it's pretty serious. There's a natural progression. Boyfriend, move-in, engagement, marriage, kids. You could mix up the order if you wanted, but that's kind of the basic formula."

  “By your formula, I should be expecting an engagement ring any day now.”

  “Why don’t you sound as horrified by that idea as the Lilith I know and love?”

  “He’s not going to propose. Besides, it’s all complicated. He’s got an evil step-sister and we’ve got this plot for revenge that is still panning out. So everything is kind of on hold until we figure out if we’ve sabotaged her life enough to stop worrying that she’s going to come after us.”

  Another pause.

  “It makes a little more sense now. For a guy to interest you, it would have to involve some weird, screwed up stuff like that.” She laughed. “I can totally picture you scheming to ruin some poor woman’s life.”

  “Yeah, whatever.” I was smiling again, mostly because I was thinking about the fun I’d had sneaking around with Liam to try to keep tabs on Florian and Celia. William had let us hold on to his spy gear, and snooping had become one of our go-to evening time-killers. Of course, our version of snooping was more like parking in a car somewhere we thought they’d go, getting distracted talking for an hour, and then calling it a night with cheap takeout and a movie back at his apartment.

  Our only sightings of the couple had been once or twice on the way into a store together. Considering we’d spent hours together under the pretense of spying on them, it was pretty clear what our real motivations were by now.

  “So, any Christmas plans? Ryan and I were thinking of coming back home for the holidays. Just to see everybody. It has been forever.”

  “If thirteen months is forever, then yes, it has.”

  “You can be so literal sometimes.”

  “To answer your question, no. I haven’t really figured out what we’re doing for Christmas yet. I don’t know what to get
Liam, either. I have a feeling he probably bought everything he ever wanted, so I’d kind of need to get all sentimental to get him something nice.”

  “I have an idea…”

  Liam and I were sitting in a crowded coffee shop together.

  “Price said Florian hasn’t been checking in with him anymore. Ignoring his texts and everything. Florian’s also not digging into our funding nearly as hard as he was at the start.”

  “What do you think that means? Could Celia have dug the truth out of him?”

  “It’s possible. Or maybe he actually likes her?” Liam frowned at the idea and then shook his head like he’d just said something crazy. “That wouldn’t make sense, though. It has to be something else.”

  “Price did say Florian was kind of a sociopath. I’d say your sister is, too.”

  “Step-sister. And yeah, but I just can’t picture it. And even if they really were hitting it off, I’m sure it would turn ugly very fast when she found out he’s not actually a billionaire. The guy makes decent money, but I doubt it’s more than Walter. She’ll still drop him to the curb as soon as she finds out.”

  “Yeah. I almost feel bad. What if he did fall for her and we’re just setting them both up for heartbreak? I’m happy to ruin Celia’s life, but this Florian guy was just doing us a favor.”

  “My Lilith feeling bad for somebody?” He reached across the table and put his hands to my forehead. “Are you feeling okay, babe?”

  I bit my lip. He’d started using pet names for me a week or two ago, and even though I thought pet names were obnoxious and gross when I was single, I’d had a change of heart. Hearing them from Liam made my stomach flutter and my face flush, even if he called me something stupid like “chicken nugget” or “sweet cheeks.” He liked to mix it up, but his standard seemed to be “babe,” which held a kind of casual affection that I couldn’t get enough of from him. “I feel great, actually.”

  “It’s probably because you’re actually eating like a normal human being now,” he said, oblivious to what I actually meant. “I knew once we got your macronutrient balance in check, you’d feel like a million bucks. I’m honestly surprised you could walk and talk with as little protein as you were taking in. It was a miracle of science.”

  “Keep talking about macronutrients and I’m going to spontaneously die of boredom,” I said.

  He grinned. “Fine. As long as you keep eating what I cook for us, I’m happy, even if you won’t let me talk about it.”

  I nodded. “That was the deal.” Liam turned out to be a great cook. He had been appalled to learn that my diet was a steady rotation of Ramen noodles, macaroni and cheese, and pizza. As he put it, I was missing a third of the essential nutrients my body needed. Apparently, I was supposed to be eating protein and not just fats and carbs. Who knew. I wasn’t about to admit it to him, but I had been feeling extra good ever since he started cooking for me. It had been a little harder to seem so cranky and sarcastic all the time, but that also could’ve been the new boyfriend effect. He even had been considerate enough to simply work protein into the foods I already liked.

  Now my ramen had beef in it, my macaroni and cheese had bacon, and my pizza wasn’t just cheese. He’d also been slowly introducing me to some foods that he called “adult” food, which I found vaguely insulting. Then again, I could also admit my diet was pretty much still entirely made up of the things I’d learned to eat on the cheap in my college days. Luckily for him, his “adult food” was actually pretty tasty, so I didn’t complain much, as long as he didn’t get all nutrition dork on me and try to teach me the science behind it, that was.

  “Can I admit something?” I asked.

  “Yes, but I have something to admit too.”

  “Let’s say it at the same time.”

  “Okay, on three,” he agreed. “One, two, thr—”

  “I don’t even care about getting revenge on Celia anymore,” I said.

  “I am falling in love with you,” he said.

  We locked eyes, and the hum of conversation in the coffee shop seemed to dull in my ears. I am falling in love with you.

  I opened my mouth to say something, but couldn’t think of the right words, so I ended up just tearing off little pieces of my napkin and rubbing them through the ring left by my coffee cup. “So,” I said finally. “I feel like mine was a little less groundbreaking, and I feel a little guilty for that.”

  “I agree,” he said. “You should feel guilty.”

  I didn’t look up, but I thought I could hear the grin in his voice.

  “But,” I added. “If you wanted to look deeply into what I said. You could make the argument that I wanted revenge against Celia so badly, and for me to stop caring as much about it must mean I started caring about something even more.”

  “Right. And given the size of your revenge boner you were always talking about, I can only assume that means your boner is now fueled by something else, and it’s maybe even larger than it was before.”

  “You could possibly infer that.”

  “A love boner,” he whispered.

  I sputtered out a laugh, then bit my lip as I met his eyes again. I could see it there. Not just how he felt about me, but why I suddenly knew I loved him too. It was probably different for everybody, but for me, loving Liam wasn’t just because we got along or because he made me laugh. It was because he’d found a way to bring out the best in me. Maybe that was selfish, but I think everyone is actually selfish on the inside, and what better reason is there to love someone than finding somebody who teaches you to love yourself?

  “A love boner,” I agreed.

  “So what do we do about Celia?” he asked. “Just call the whole thing off?”

  I frowned. “I don’t know. I mean, I don’t feel like I have to see her life ruined or anything, but it’s not like I want to go buying her gift cards and cupcakes, either. What if we just kind of cut contact with this Florian guy and let him do whatever he wants?”

  “Just walk away from it?”

  “Yeah. Maybe it still ends in disaster for her. Maybe she finds true love. Who really cares?”

  He laughed. “I have to admit, I still don’t want her to get off this easy. I can back off the whole ruining her life thing, but we need to ruin something. At least her day. Maybe her week.”

  I laughed. “Now you sound like me.”

  He grinned. “Wait until you hear my plan.”

  20

  Celia

  I made myself a cup of coffee and stared out the kitchen window. It was snowing, and for the first time in a long time, I felt happy. Florian and I were going to go golfing, which meant I had a reason to finally wear the adorable outfit I had for a golf outing. It was all designer, of course, and I didn’t doubt the other wives and girlfriends would be glaring with envy.

  I smiled and bit my lip. Life was good. Walter was due back home from a business trip in an hour, but he would let me get away with murder so long as I fluttered my eyelashes at him. He’d already met Florian a few times. I told him Florian was my personal trainer, and I’d simply say we were doing golf as a little exercise activity today when Florian came to pick me up. Walter would peck my cheek and wish me good luck.

  Being with Florian had made life with Walter more repulsive. I thought of his dry, cracked lips and the soft, supple warmth of Florian’s. I thought of how cold Walter’s bony hands always were on me compared to the strong touch of Florian. The idea of divorce had crossed my mind more than once already, even though I knew the prenuptial agreement was ironclad. If I divorced Walter, I got nothing. Florian could take care of me, but the thought of walking away from Walter with nothing grated at me. I’d suffered years to wait for the day when he’d pass and leave everything to me. If I left, it would’ve all been for nothing.

  Oh, well. I took one last sip of my coffee and remembered I hadn’t checked the front door for packages yesterday. I stuck my head out and saw two boxes. One was a big, cardboard box from eBay. Probably some car part
Walter had ordered, as usual. It would join the heap of unused parts that he dreamed of eventually using to piece back together his old project cars. The other box was more interesting. It was purple, sleek, and very girly.

  I immediately thought of Florian. He must’ve sent it to me as a surprise. I left Walter’s box outside and took the purple package inside. I sat on the couch and carefully unwrapped the bow to read the message on the card:

  “Had this custom-made, just for you. Just press the little red button to get the party started. It will be unforgettable…

  Best,

  L and L.”

  I frowned down at the card. L and L? I wondered if it was some reference to a poem. Florian was exceptionally well-read, and he was always talking about books and things I’d never heard of. I put it from my head and opened the box.

  It was a dildo.

  I laughed, then bit my lip as a flush of warm excitement passed through me. Florian, you dirty bastard. It was bigger than any dildo I’d ever seen, and I felt oddly compelled to know what it would feel like. Besides, the small red button at the base of the thing had me absolutely curious. Press the little red button to get the party started. I figured it was to turn on the vibrator, but then why would he have had it custom made?

  Ten minutes later, I had a few candles lit in the bedroom and I was ready.

  I slid it inside and had to catch my breath. It was big. Almost too big. For a second, I nearly gave up, but knowing Florian, he’d ask how it went, and I didn’t want to disappoint him. I kept trying until I had it inside me, and then I reached for the little red button.

  I pressed it and braced myself for the vibrations. Instead of vibrations, I heard a strange sound that took me a second to place. It was a phone ringing from what must have been a speaker inside the dildo. What the hell?

  “911, what’s your emergency?”