Pet Peeve

by Piers Anthony

  They went in, and he stripped and held a small watermelon over his head. He shook it, and it sprayed water over him. He decided not to wash his clothes; they weren't that dirty, and he needed to wear them immediately.

  Then he went to the door section. "Thorns, please let me pass," he said, and the thorns turned soft so he could brush by them harmlessly.

  Inside it was a delightful chamber, partitioned by a leaf wall, with two beds with leaf blankets. The house had even grown pillows. "You're over here," Hannah said. "Eve gets the other bed, and I'll take the floor."

  So it was, with perfect propriety. The girls went out to wash while he rested on his assigned bed. They returned in due course, damp and cheerful. Goody got a good night's sleep, interrupted only when he heard the sound of heavy rain in the night. It beat down on the roof, but the overlapping leaves let no water through. This was a fine temporary house.

  10

  Factory

  In the morning, refreshed, they resumed their trip. The parody, finding the princess boring, returned to Goody. They tried to push through a patch of tall reeds, but quickly backed off: they were cutlasses, that cut only women. The adjacent patch let the girls through without obstruction, but tried to cut Goody. These were cutlad plants. Unfortunately for them, his talent protected him, and they bounced back to slice their neighbors. The plants did not seem pleased.

  They came across what at first they took for a human encampment, as it was a virtual city of pitched tents. But all the tents were empty. What could this mean?

  "A huge army, out foraging at the moment," Hannah suggested. "Which means we'd better move on before they return." She paused, scowling. "But I don't see any signs of human activity."

  Eve touched the nearest tent. "We are in Tent City," she said. "It consists only of tents, nothing else. Many are interconnected. Whoever passes through them suffers enhancement of his/her properties. It's a pun."

  "A pun?" Goody asked.

  "In Tent City," Hannah said. "Intensity."

  "So it probably won't hurt us to pass through this," Eve said. "The effect is temporary, anyway." She stepped into the nearest tent.

  Goody followed. The effect was immediate; he felt like twice the goblin he had ever been, and suspected that his bounce talent would bounce things back twice as fast. He looked ahead, to be sure of not losing the princess in the maze of interconnections, and froze.

  "Hey, get moving, joker," the peeve said. But Goody remained in place, blinded by dazzles.

  Then something dropped over his head. "It's just a flap of canvas from a tent," Hannah said. "To prevent you from freaking out following the princess. I'll lead you through." She took him by the hand.

  Eve evidently paused. "What's the matter with him?"

  "Your form is enhanced," Hannah said. "Just the sight of your outline is enough to freak him out without even any panties showing. So I'm covering his head."

  "Really?" The princess sounded pleased.

  "Look, doll, this isn't a game," Hannah said seriously. "You teens who come new to it may think it's fun to see how it works, but you can get into trouble in a hurry. That's why the Adult Conspiracy exists: to save you from yourselves, until you have enough experience to keep it under control. Save it for when you need to freak out men who mean you harm. Don't waste it on the one decent male goblin who means no one harm. Don't be a bleeping tease."

  There was silence for a moment and a half. "Oh. I guess so," the princess said. "I'm sorry. Let me use some of this canvas." There were sounds of rustling and tearing. "How's that?"

  "You look like a duck, canvasback!"

  "Thank you, peeve. That's the object, approximately. Let's see if it helps."

  Hannah lifted off the hood so that Goody could see again. There was Eve, swathed in white canvas from neck to ankle. Even so, she was dangerously alluring. He felt himself swaying on his feet.

  "Maybe use the hood," Hannah said, handing it to her.

  The princess dropped it over her head, opening one side so she could see out. That covered her lustrous black hair and made her black eyes fade back into the shadows like mysterious pools.

  Goody steadied. "Thank you," he said. "I think I can manage now."

  Eve braced herself. "I'm not good at this, but I'll try."

  Not good at it? She had been dangerously proficient, as Hannah said.

  The princess oriented on him. "Goody, I apologize for teasing you. Hannah's right; I was thoughtless. I am young, and this is a lesson I'll try not to forget. Please forgive me."

  "Of course," Goody said, surprised. "I know you didn't mean to do it."

  "Not this time," she agreed. "But I should have realized." She smiled. "And you have the honor of receiving my very first sincere apology. Was it all right?"

  He was taken aback. "It was perfect," he said graciously.

  "Great! Aren't you glad I didn't try a gourd-style apology!"

  "A what?"

  "Oh, you don't know? I'll show you."

  "Don't do that!" Hannah said.

  But she was too late. Eve was already dropping down to her knees and leaning into Goody. She kissed him firmly on the mouth. The world exploded into a kaleidoscopic display buttressed by rainbow-colored fireworks.

  By the time he recovered, they were out of the Tent City. Hannah must have carried him.

  "Goblin, you should have heard the lecture the barbarian gave the princess," the parody said zestfully from a nearby perch. "I think I learned some new words."

  Goody sat up somewhat vaguely. "I never heard of a—whatever it was. How long was I out?"

  "A good half hour, weak-knees. Little stars and planets and hearts were floating over your stunned puss."

  "Go-Go used to do that to me. But this—"

  Eve appeared. She was out of her canvas shrouding, but her hair seemed slightly singed and there were scorch marks on her dress. "A gourd-style apology," she said. "You know—the realm of dreams. They do things dreamily there. I just couldn't resist. I suppose I should apologize again."

  "If you do, I'll cut your head off!" Hannah said behind her.

  "Just don't tell Grandma Irene. She'd really make me hurt." The princess smiled ruefully. "I won't do it again. Anyway, it won't be half as potent, out of Tent City."

  Apologizing by kissing. Goody made a mental note to be wary of things inspired by the gourd realm. He had thought it was all bad things, like horror houses and graveyards. Evidently there were other aspects.

  They resumed their trek. Soon they came to a pretty little spring. "Oh, good, I'm thirsty," Eve said. She produced a dainty cup from somewhere and dipped it in the water.

  "Wait!" Hannah said. "We don't know what kind of spring that is."

  "Yes, we do," Eve said. She touched the water with one finger. "It's dilute healing elixir!" she exclaimed, surprised. "Good enough; I can use a drink of that." She put the cup to her mouth.

  As she drank, she changed. Her hair unfrizzed and became fully lustrous again, and the scorch marks faded from her dress. The elixir had healed the damage done by the verbal hiding Hannah had given her.

  Two bits of metal dropped from her ears. "My earrings!" she exclaimed. "They fell off. But they couldn't have. My ears are pierced."

  "Not anymore, sweetheart," the parody said. "No more holes in your head."

  Eve felt her ears. It was true. "The healing elixir—it healed my piercings."

  "Serves you right, gourd head."

  The princess nodded. "I suppose it does. It wouldn't have happened if I'd behaved like a lady instead of a girl." She put the earrings away. "But it's annoying as—say a word for me, peeve."

  "Bleep," the bird said obligingly.

  Eve blushed. "Thank you. In four years maybe I'll understand what that means."

  "What a piece of work," Hannah murmured, half admiringly. Goody wasn't sure whether she was referring to the bird or the girl. Maybe both.

  Goody accepted the princess's cup for a drink from the spring, and it did make him f
eel much better. Then Hannah took it, and finally the parody got a beakful.

  They proceeded more vigorously thereafter. Suddenly they came to the ironwood forest, and were appalled. Half the stately trees had been reduced to stumps, and robots were working on others. The forest was being converted to a wasteland.

  "They're cutting them all down, for the iron," Hannah said. "But clear-cutting is no good. There'll be no trees left to seed new ones."

  "They don't care," Goody said. "They're machines. They're just doing the job they were made for."

  "Which is why they have to be stopped," Eve said. "You're right: this is a serious threat to Xanth. We don't even need to see the factory to know that."

  "Then let's get out of here before they spy us," Hannah said. "This scene gives me the crawls."

  "The whats?" Goody asked.

  "Creeps," Eve said.

  "Barbarian version," Hannah agreed.

  Goody spied something different. "This isn't an ironwood stump."

  Hannah looked. "That's weird. They're cutting some regular trees too. Why would they do that?"

  Eve shrugged. "Maybe it was an accident."

  "In that case, wouldn't they leave the fallen trunks here? There are none."

  It was true. The mystery remained.

  Then a bulb flashed over Goody's head. "They burn wood inside them! It's their food."

  "That's right," Hannah agreed. "I forgot."

  "Bogey at six o'clock!"

  They turned. The bird was right. A robot stood there. But not a little one. This one was goblin-sized, far bigger than the others had been.

  "They've got more iron now," Hannah said. "They're thinking bigger."

  "We really need to get back to Castle Roogna," Eve said.

  "But not with this one left to tell the tale," Hannah said, drawing her sword.

  "That will make too much noise," Goody said. "The others will hear."

  "Let me try the quiet way," Eve said. "Hey, robot, look at this." She spun around and hoisted her skirt.

  The robot's eye lenses fogged, but it didn't fall. "They're machines," Hannah repeated. "They don't have feelings, so they can't freak out."

  "But it did have some effect," Eve said. "So let's try this." She stepped up to the robot, dropped to her knees, and planted a kiss on its face-plate.

  The robot wavered, almost losing its balance. Then it recovered. It had survived the kiss.

  "It doesn't have a mouth," Hannah said. "Otherwise I think you might have had it."

  The robot made the sound of a smirk. It knew it had defeated them.

  "What a rusty hunk!" Goody's voice said. "I've seen better iron on an old shipwreck!"

  The robot's face-plate swiveled toward Goody. Goody was silent; could the bird's insults get them out of this?

  "Where is this ship?" the robot asked.

  There would be a whole lot of metal there. The machine was being practical.

  "Why don't you unscrew your thick metal head and throw it away so you'll look better?"

  "I have no emotions," the robot intoned. "You can't annoy me. Where is the ship!"

  "You have no sense either, you bleeping tin can! Now get out of our way before we grind you up for scrap."

  "That would not be practical. Where is the ship?"

  "Blow it out your exhaust, iron ass! You wouldn't know practical if it chomped your ugly foot."

  Little sparks flitted across the robot's joints. This was not a good sign, for an emotionless machine. "I will pul-ver-ize you," it said, reverting to basic syllables in its distraction. "Where is the ship?"

  The machine was certainly single-minded. It had taken the ship reference literally, and wanted to get to it.

  "Pulverize us? You and who else, creakbolt?"

  "Me and the other clones," the robot answered. And now other robots appeared, surrounding them, all of them goblin-sized. "Where is the ship?"

  "I'll hack one apart," Hannah said. "The rest of you run through the gap that makes, and don't stop running." She hefted her sword.

  "Don't do that," Eve said. "You'll be pulverized."

  "You have a better plan?"

  The princess nodded. "I have seeds. But they will need time to grow, unobserved by the robots. We need to wait until night."

  "But they'll pulverize us now." Indeed, the robots were closing in on all sides.

  "Talk them out of it."

  Hannah looked helplessly at Goody. It didn't work well; she was obviously inexperienced at such looks.

  "You can't pulverize us," Goody said.

  "Why not?" the robot asked.

  The machine was ready to listen? He had to come up with a reason! "Because—because then you'll never find the ship."

  The robots paused. They evidently had similar programs, so reacted similarly, though only the first one talked.

  Then they came to a conclusion. "We need only the bird who has seen the rusty shipwreck. The others are surplus." The advance resumed.

  "That's what you think, rust-for-brains," the parody said. "You can't catch me." It flew up above them.

  The robots paused again. They didn't know how to deal with this complication. "We need to manufacture flying machines," the first one said.

  "And that will take you, how long, hollow bottom? Two days? I'll be long gone by then."

  They paused again. "How can we make you stay, bird?"

  "Just treat my friends right, square nuts. I'll stay with them."

  Goody was amazed. The peeve had acted to protect them!

  "We will confine you until we build flying machines," the robot decided.

  The robots brought metal bars and plunged them into the ground around the prisoners. They welded them together with crossbars, and constructed a barred ceiling. It was a tight cage. They were very efficient. They were after all construction robots.

  Then they returned to their logging of ironwood trees, ignoring the prisoners.

  "They don't hate us," Hannah said. "They just want us out of the way."

  "But they seem to realize that if we escape, we'll cause them trouble," Goody said. "So they won't let us go."

  "Not intentionally," Eve said.

  Hannah glanced at her. "You really do have seeds to get us out?"

  "Oh, yes. But first let's eat and rest." She brought out two seeds, touched them to her mouth, and dropped them on the ground.

  It seemed that the robots were not aware of living creatures' need for food and water, so had provided none. Maybe that was just as well; the less the machines understood of life, the better.

  Soon they snacked on pies and drank from the princess's cup. But then another need developed.

  "Oops, I forgot the potty plant," Eve said, dropping another seed. It sprouted and grew, producing several squat potties. Privacy was difficult in their cramped quarters, but dusk was coming, so they held out until shrouded by darkness.

  "Somebody's pooping!" the peeve announced helpfully.

  "There's a small one for you too," Eve said, tapping the side of the potty so the bird could locate it.

  When the darkness was complete, Eve evoked and planted other seeds. Meanwhile the robots went right on cutting trees, needing no light or rest. They were continuous machines, never pausing. That continued to scare Goody.

  "These are slow-growing plants, so we might as well rest while waiting," Eve said.

  "Makes sense to me," Hannah said as a root wrestled past their feet. "Just what kind of trees are they?"

  "Well, one's a steelwood that should be too tough for the iron robots to tackle. The other's a tangle tree."

  "A tangler! Here in our cage?"

  "But there's one thing: they are spelled not to harm me, but the rest of you lack that protection."

  "Now she tells us!" the bird said irately.

  "Not to worry, cutebeak. I'll protect you."

  "Just for incidental information," Hannah said, "how do you mean to do that?"

  "I'll put my arms around you, and they'll leave
us all alone. But we must stay together, or there could be mischief."

  "Such as us getting eaten by the tangle tree," Goody said uneasily.

  "True," she said. "We had better get together before it gets big enough to feed."

  They got together, arranging themselves for maximum coverage. Hannah sat leaning back against the trunk of the centrally growing steelwood tree, and Goody sat on her lap facing away, the bird on his shoulder. This put his head against her metal halter, which was comfortable, as the halter was flexible. Then Eve sat before them, her legs half around their thighs, and leaned in to hug them with her arms. This put her bosom almost into Goody's face. He would have freaked out, had he been able to see anything. "This should do it," she said. "The tendrils will encounter my limbs and move away."

  What could he do? Shielded by both their soft bodies, he drifted off to a rather pleasant sleep. Even the irascible bird, similarly pressed, made no complaint.

  He woke as Eve stirred. "Time to break out," she said. "All we have to do is climb the trunk of the steelwood tree; it has penetrated the roof of the cage."

  Eve lifted herself up and caught hold of the lower branches of the steelwood. She climbed. When she was clear, Goody followed, and finally Hannah.

  Sure enough, the top of the cage had burst asunder, and they were able to step out onto the twisted remnant of its framework. But next to the steelwood was the tangle tree; Goody felt its tentacles quivering as they sensed his approach. "The tangler—"

  "That's to catch the pieces of the cage as they come loose, and set them down silently," Eve explained. "And to distract the robots, if necessary."

  "But won't it grab us?"

  "I'll have to hold you." She felt for him in the dark, picked him up, and held him close. "Okay, Tangier," she said.

  Tentacles wrapped around them and heaved them both up. Then they were swinging around and down, and deposited on the ground. "Wait here while I fetch Hannah," she said as she set him down.

  He waited, highly conscious of the surrounding tentacles. They could so readily wrap around him and carry him into the deadly trunk! He did not dare move anything.

  "Aw, I dare you, greenie!" the parody said.

  Oh, no! The bird was taunting the tree!

  Then Eve and Hannah dropped down beside him. "Naughty birdy," Eve said, laughing.