Where the Heart Lies

by Amanda Ray

  I know that if I asked Lily to go she would have asked why I didn't invite Jeremiah and I didn't want to admit to her that I was scared to be alone with him. I liked him so much it scared me. Utterly terrified me. I wanted to kiss him horribly but I was terrified of what would happen next. What happens when I let him in? What happens when he finds out that I'm not like other girls? That my family is not like the ones he's used to? What if I'm not a good kisser? What if...I was terrified of the what if's.

  I had promised Jeremiah and Lily that I would see them before I left the next day for the Poconos. We decided to meet at Jeremiah's friend's house for a party before I go.

  I pulled up to the house with cars scattered everywhere, it looked like there were over a hundred cars - on the grass, on the street, by trees. The music was so loud that you could hear it a mile down the road. Everyone had a beer or some sort of alcohol in their hand, talking and dancing, most hanging out of the garage when I walked up.

  Jeremiah spotted me right away and ran over. My heart skipped a beat and my stomach did a flip.

  "Hey babe!" he gave me a kiss on the cheek, "Do you want a drink? Lily is right over there if you want to wait until I get back?"

  "Sure." I smiled, completely in shock that he called me babe. My heart was racing. My head was running a million miles a second and I was gathering every ounce of strength to stay sane and not freak out.. He called me babe! What did that mean? Do I call him babe back? Do I see where this goes? Does it mean something more than...I stopped myself. I was overthinking. Again.

  Lily ran over, her face had this look. A look that only Lily could have. "What happened?" she asked with a sly smile, "I know something's up! I can see it on your face!"

  "He just called me babe!" I exclaimed. I saw him from a distance trying my hardest to hide my emotions. I didn't want him to know how excited I was. Just one little word and it got my stomach in knots. How can he do this to me?

  "Here you go babe." He said it again! Jeremiah handed me my beer and put his arm around me.

  I glanced over at Lily with wide eyes, still in total shock that all of this was happening. After spending so much time together was this his way of saying we're together? Was this his way of telling people that I'm his girlfriend? I stopped myself. Stop overthinking Freya! It's just a term of endearment. It doesn't mean anything. Stop overthinking I kept telling myself, but then he stopped me.

  "Freya!" J yelled trying to get my attention.

  "Huh?" I looked up at him coming out of my daze.Out of my head.

  "Wanna dance?" Jeremiah asked giggling at the fact that I clearly was not paying attention.

  I smiled looking down to hide my blushing face before answering. "Yes"

  Why does he make me so nervous? How can one person - one boy- make me feel so scared and excited at the same time? How can he make me feel so confused but so happy?

  Dancing in the garage, the music blasting so hard I could feel my body trembling, Jeremiah pulled me closer placing his arms around my waist. I felt his breath on my neck as we swayed back and forth. His hands dug in deeper to my hips as our eyes met. I spun around so my back was to his chest, giving me time to swallow the lump in my throat.

  I can't kiss him. Not here. Not in front of everyone. I want to. Boy do I want to. But I can't. My mind raced with the thoughts.

  His breath was so hot on my neck but I felt the heat throughout my entire body. The song lasted for what seemed like a lifetime. We were in our own world. No one was there but us. No one could feel what we were feeling. But then, right when I got up the courage. Right when I turned around and convinced myself to go for it. To say screw it and kiss him. Right before my lips touched his, he got pulled away.

  "Jeremiah! Yo man we gotta go!" Chris grabbed his arm and pulled him away from me, "The cops are here dude! We gotta go!"

  Lily grabbed me and we started running. Booking it out of the house like it was on fire. Looking back at Jeremiah, our eyes met and I shrugged off what could have been. What could have just happened. Our first kiss.

  The car ride was unusually quiet. I kissed Lily's cheek, we said our goodbyes when I dropped her off and I headed back to my house. When I arrived home I walked in giddy from the night, thinking about what could have happened with Jeremiah. But the screaming that I had just walked into knocked me out of my fantasy. I closed the door quietly trying not to let my parents know I was home. I booked it quietly to my room trying to stay in my fantasy world.

  I closed my door and locked it to escape the world outside. To escape the pain inside my home. Dreading going on the trip with my family arguing now. Wanting to be with Jeremiah. Wanting to know what we are. I laid on my bed and grabbed my journal from the night stand. I had to write about my night. About Jeremiah....

  The screaming started to get louder, so loud that it knocked me out of my happy daze. I tried again to drown it out - to stay in my happy escape - I grabbed my headphones blasting my music. Kelly Clarkson's Breakaway singing in my ears, saying everything that I've always felt.

  How could someone ever want to be involved with me, with this? How do I make things work with Jeremiah and introduce him to this madness? I continued to write in my journal... I put on a show. My persona, who I show the world. It's not me. How do I show him who I really am? How do I let him in? He's going to run when he finds out what my life is like, when he has to deal with the madness. Is it worth it? Is he worth it...

  BAM!

  The sound of something breaking knocked me out of my haze, I jumped up from my bed and ran toward the sound. My mom was on the kitchen floor crying. Bleeding. The back door was wide opened. I ran over to her, helped her up and put her on the chair at the kitchen table.

  "Why do you let him do this to you?" I asked her as I got ice from the freezer and a wet cloth to wipe the blood from her lip.

  "He loves us, he just has a problem." I shook my head at her response.

  I took a deep breath, cleaned her lip and gave her the ice. "I don't know how much longer I can deal with his problem mom." I had grown tired of hearing her protecting him, of giving him excuse after excuse for his addiction.

  "I know." she said looking down, trying to hide the shame apparent on her face.

  "You're stronger than this!"

  "I know honey, it'll get better, I promise." She brushed her finger over my cheek wiping the tear I didn't know had escaped.

  But she always promised. Always said it was going to get better. Until it happened again.

  He had never hit me. We had gotten into arguments, mostly me trying to protect my mom, but never physical. Yet.

  "You should get some sleep. He'll come home in a few hours and expect us to still go on the trip tomorrow."

  "Okay." I gave her a kiss on the cheek and headed back to my room. I laid on my bed and just stared at my ceiling. I liked Jeremiah so much, but how do I introduce him into this? How do I welcome anyone into this? How do I explain it? Lily doesn't even know about what happens inside my house. No one does! Not really. Lily knows about the fighting because she’s heard it but she doesn’t know how bad it is. About the abuse. I was always taught that what happens in our home stays in our home. But how is that true if it affects me everyday? If it affects my relationships with other people? When it makes me terrified to be with someone else because of the off chance that I might get myself into the same situation?

  I closed my eyes, took a breath and remembered what my mom always told me. "Sometimes, when following your heart, it beats so loud you can’t hear anything else. Sometimes, the heart is so focused on the flutters that a person is giving you that it lies. It lies to you because it wants to keep those feelings even though it knows it's bad.” How do I know if my heart is lying? How do I trust what I'm feeling?

  "God I'm so fucked up" I said to no one, shaking my head, trying to knock all of my thoughts out. I closed my eyes and attempted to get some sleep before the trip. Hoping that it was going to clear my head about everything....about Jeremiah. And tha
t in the morning, maybe, just maybe, I would have some answers.

  Chapter 3

  Spring: Age 16

  Winter break was over and I couldn't wait to go back to school. I'd barely spoken to Jeremiah or Lily the entire break because my home life had been so chaotic. The trip to the Poconos was awesome...at first. I got my own room- for the first time on a vacation ever, usually we share a room with two beds to save money - which was amazing! I got to escape when I needed to and watch tons of television and take extra long showers. We went skiing, snow tubing and had lots and lots of hot chocolate but those were just the good parts.

  Almost every night my mom and her husband -my abuse, addiction ridden, stepdad - Gary, argued. The arguments weren't too bad, I guess because we were in public, but it was still the same. Every night. Arguing. Screaming in her face. He only pushed her two times when we were there. Only. Wow. I can't believe I think that that's not bad. But it's not, not compared to what he did at home. Not compared to how he is on a daily basis.

  I didn't want to talk to Lily or Jeremiah because I didn't want to have to explain the bruises on my mom's arms, the black eye that she had, or the bruises on my arm from getting in the way. I didn't want to have to come up with yet another lie. What would I say this time? Oh it's not that big of a deal I just fell skiing? Yeah. At least I can use the trip's activities as an excuse if anyone sees the black and blues on our skin.

  The day we returned to school Lily jumped on me from behind while I was putting my books in my locker.

  "Hi" she screamed in my ear. "Where have you been the whole break? I didn't get to see you and then this morning your mom told me that you went into school early and was surprised you didn't tell me since we car pool! Is everything ok?"

  I gulped, attempting to get rid of the lump in my throat. Trying to hide my face from her as I answered "Yea everything is fine. I just wanted to get to school early to finish a paper I forgot about. Sorry I didn't tell you." She gave me a look as if she knew I was lying, waiting for me to tell her the truth. I pulled down my sleeves to hide my bruised arms and she raised her eyebrows.

  "Are you sure you're ok?" I was about to cave, her worried tone almost making me drop to my knees and confess everything, when Chris came over and kissed her.

  "Oh thank God." I whispered to myself knowing damn well that I would have told her everything in that instant. But then Jeremiah came walking up behind Chris and everything disappeared. It's as if nothing else mattered. All of the crap at home, all of my secrets, it all just floated away.

  My heart raced as he moved closer and closer and I couldn't help but smile. He grabbed me and hugged me so tight I wanted to whisper "Don't let go". J made me feel safe just from his presence, something I haven’t felt in a long time. But that's exactly why I could never tell him about my secrets. I won't let him get in the middle. He stroked my face then grazed my lips with his thumb. Ugh just kiss me I repeated in my head, waiting for him to make his move. Begging him with my eyes to make his first move. Jeremiah leaned in. My knees went weak and I started to shake. My heart was pounding like a drum. Adrenaline pumping through my veins. And just as our lips were about to touch, the bell rang.

  I jumped at the sound of the bell screaming through my ear drums. We both pulled away smiling at each other. I turned and ran off to class, Lily running behind me to catch up. I turned quickly into my biology class before she could ask me again if I was alright.

  "Freya....Freya Rodriguez. Freya! Miss Rodriguez. Hello are you paying attention?"

  I jumped out of my daze - dreaming of Jeremiah and his perfect lips almost touching mine - embarrassed and trying to hide my cheeks which were surely turning red as a lobster's tail. "Yes Mr. Mason. '' I responded, clearing my throat and trying to avoid eye contact with the rest of the class now looking at me.

  "Can you answer the question I asked you Freya?" Mr. Mason said annoyed.

  "I'm sorry Mr. Mason, I'm not feeling too well, can you please repeat the question?" my response was timid.

  "Can anyone else, someone who was paying attention, answer the question I asked Freya? " He remarked, giving me a disappointed look and sighing so loud I could feel it shake me to my core.

  For the rest of the period I focused on my class forcing myself to stop thinking about Jeremiah. When the period ended Mr. Mason stopped me as I was about to exit the door.

  "Freya, can I see you for a moment? I'll write you a late pass if I need to."

  "Sure, Mr. Mason." Gripping my books, I walked toward his desk trying hard to swallow the golf ball sized lump in my throat.

  "Freya, is something going on at home?" His voice filled with concern, "I don't want to see your grades slip, but you've been dozing off a lot lately. Is there anything you want to talk about?"

  "No. No, Mr. Mason. Everything is fine." It came out rushed and I prayed he couldn't see through me. "I'm sorry for dozing off, I promise it won't happen again!"

  "Ok, Freya.” Mr. Mason sighed, narrowing his eyes but not pushing me further to tell him the truth he knew I was hiding, “Now get to class and don't be afraid to come and talk to me if you need help with an assignment or anything."

  "Thank you, Mr. Mason. I will." I turned to walk out of the door telling myself not to run scared. I practically ran to the bathroom the second I was out of Mr. Mason’s view. With my head down, hiding the tears that were about to escape, I hurried to the closest bathroom. "Keep it together Freya. Keep it together." I whispered the mantra over and over until I got to the girls room.

  The second I walked in I found an empty stall, shut the door and fell to the floor. My books on my lap and my head buried in them, I began to weep. "I'm not as strong as I thought I was." I whispered, my body shaking. Pull it together! My subconscious yelled. You can't let anyone see you like this. You can't let them see that things bother you. Don't let them know what's going on. Focus on something good. Something great. My friends. Mom. Lily. Jeremiah.

  I took a deep breath and lifted my head up. I leaned back on the door and swallowed hard. "Breathe Freya. Just breathe." I said reassuring myself. "You got this." I stood up dusting myself off from all of the disgusting things found on the bathroom floor. I washed my hands and looked at myself in the mirror. I stared at the girl looking back at me. She looked lost. Troubled and weak.

  Why do I let myself get like this? Why don't I let anyone see me like this? Why can't I let anyone in? I fixed my hair, wiped my eyes and pinched my cheeks for color. I took another deep breath and smiled at myself in the mirror, forcing myself to put on a brave face. I grabbed my stuff and left the bathroom to go about my day as if the last five minutes didn't just happen. That weak girl wasn’t me and even if I had to fake it, no one was going to see her. See me.

  Chapter 4

  Summer: Age 16

  The next few months went by just the same. Having mini panic attacks, blaming myself for not letting anyone in. Not telling anyone my secret.

  Jeremiah continued to be his usual self, hugging me everyday, walking me to class and talking with me on the phone almost every night. He started working at the local movie theater always offering to get me and Lily in for free whenever we wanted to visit. I told him repeatedly that I would visit - eventually - but with everything going on at home I thought it was safer for me to be there and make sure nothing else happened to my mom.

  Lily didn't push me about it. I think because we had known each other for so long, she knew that if and when I want to talk about it I would. Most of the time though, I just kept it to myself. I escaped into my oasis that was my room, my writing, my books, my shows. Those were the things that helped me escape, helped me cope with all of the bad stuff - all of the screaming, yelling, lies and abuse. That and Jeremiah. I'd never felt that way about a boy, not until him. I never thought of a guy as a safe place for me. A utopia in my own personal hell. But the day I saw him it was like something in me warmed. My heart grew and my body wanted nothing more than to be near, touched, and a part of his. How could
he make me feel that way when we hadn't even kissed? How could I want someone that much?

  "Are you excited about tomorrow?" Lily screamed. I turned to see her running toward me with a hand full of balloons and a bag with pink tissue paper hanging out of it. I smiled looking around quickly to see if anyone else had noticed her outburst. We collided grabbing each other in a big embrace. She truly was my best friend. My sister. My family.

  "Thank you!" I gave her a kiss on the cheek, grabbing my gifts out of her hands. "I am excited!"

  "Do you have a wish in mind for when you blow out the candles?" Lily’s face told me she already knew the answer.

  I looked down trying to hide my flushed cheeks. I do have a wish. It's what I always want. Jeremiah. I wanted to say, but instead I said "I'm sure I'll think of something." My attempt at keeping cool.

  The school year was nearly done, the end of sophomore year upon us and I was beyond excited to celebrate this year. Every year for my birthday we had a pool party with Lily, her family and my mom of course. It's always been just us, but this year Lily made a big deal in telling Jeremiah and Chris. When she told me they might be coming, I didn't let it phase me because I didn't want to get my hopes up.

  "Can I open my gifts now or later?" I asked, trying to take a peek in the bag. Before I could sneak a peek I was quickly grabbed from behind and thrown into a chiseled, hard chest. I instantly felt J’s warmth, he kissed me on the cheek and I tried everything I could not to melt in his arms.

  "Happy birthday." J’s low husky voice caressed my ear drums, his warm breath drifting over my skin sent chills down my spine. His grip tightens around my waist and I wonder if he can feel my body melting into his. With a grin that takes up my whole face I turned around so we're face to face, still in his arms and whisper "Thank you." I nuzzled my face into his neck, taking in his sweet and salty scent. Jeremiah smells like a hot day at the beach. The smell of the hot sun, sweat and salty ocean water mixed with a hint of popcorn. I took a moment to soak it in before it was gone too soon.