Where the Heart Lies

by Amanda Ray

  "Why do you care about that?" Chris said with a chuckle. Clearly he had overheard our conversation and continued, "It's not like they're going to do anything to you anyway. You won't be here." My eyes shot up to Jeremiah and then to Chris. Jeremiah frowned and looked at Chris with a glare that could burn through his skin. "What?" I practically yelled, not realizing the attention I brought to us.

  "Way to go Chris! You always have to open your damn mouth!" Jeremiah yelled, throwing his hands up and spilling his coffee all over his arms. "Great!" He whispered loudly looking at the mess. I grabbed his hands trying to get his attention back on me and the statement that had put my nerves in overdrive. "What does he mean?" I said as calmly as I could. J’s eyes avoided mine as if they were the plague. Letting out a heavy breath he gave me an answer to my question. "My mom is tired of dealing with me so she's sending me to go live with my grandma in Florida. I wanted to tell you last night but with everything going on,” he whispered, "I didn't want to put more on your plate. Please forgive me."

  I stepped back in shock. My stomach that had been filled with butterflies and love for the guy who stood in front of me, plummeted to the concrete below me. My knees buckled and I wanted to collapse to the floor concaving in dry heaves. Instead, I grabbed his arm to steady myself and tried my hardest to control my breathing. Every ounce of hope I had to be happy, to let someone in, to fall in love, had just vanished into thin air as he said those words.

  "How long have you known?" My voice reeked with anger, my eyes moving slowly to meet his with such fury they could seer him to the bone. Silence filled the air making my anger grow. "How long!" My voice carried through the wind and Lily turned toward us waiting for her cue to jump in.

  "I've known for a few weeks!" Jeremiah's voice was loud but defeated. The words sliced through my already broken heart. "Weeks! You knew for weeks and you didn't tell me! W-What do you expect us to do? What are we supposed to be? I can't believe you weren't going to tell me! Is that it? Are we over?" the words spilled out of me in one long breath, my voice cracked and the tears from behind my eyes had started to make their way to the surface. I pushed his chest, trying to get as much distance between us as I could, as if getting him away from me would dull the ache. I will not cry. Not anymore. I repeated to myself praying that the mantra would keep the tears at bay.

  Jeremiah grabbed my hands and brought them to his mouth kissing them ever so gently, "Look at me, please." He begged, waiting for my eyes to meet his before he continued. "I know you have a lot of questions and I want to answer them for you. Please, just give me a minute to explain.” The bell for class rang through his words and dragged me out of our all consuming conversation. I shook my head, attempting to rid it of its thoughts, "I have to get to class. I can't be late on my first day," I said matter-of-factly and gave a half smile.

  "Please, please let me explain," he begged to my back as I walked away from him. "Freya! Please! Just hear me out." The sound of his voice broke and my heart ached for him. I stopped in my tracks debating on what my next move would be and he took that as an opportunity to catch up to me. J grazed his fingers down my arm and whispered, "Please, I love you. I don't want this to be the end of us. Please, just let me explain.” My anger fueled me but somewhere deep inside my heart I wanted to hear everything he had to say. I wanted nothing more than for us to still be an us, so I nodded and whispered, “Okay, later." Refusing to turn around and meet his face I continued on to class.

  The day I had dreamed about for practically all of high school had blown up in my face. I would remember it always. Not for the happiness it brought me but for the pain. Not only did I have to attempt to hide the pain from my bruised body and cut feet, but I then had to hide the fact that my heart had broken in two right there in the parking lot. For the rest of that day I was consumed with grief about Jeremiah leaving. Thoughts raced through my mind like bullets and the ache in my body grew bigger and bigger at the thought of the conversation we were going to have.

  Chapter 11

  As the day dragged on my mind roamed farther and farther. Why didn't he tell me sooner? Why is he moving? What does this mean for us? Why would he tell me he loves me if he's just going to leave? Am I ever going to see him again? Is there any way that he can stay here? All of the questions flooded my mind and I couldn't pay attention to a single class. Lily tried to distract me but her attempts failed with every glance of Jeremiah throughout the halls. We had barely spoken two words to each other since the fight that morning and my heart ached for him. My body craved his touch, my lips begged for his, everything in me wanted everything to go back to before knowing. I wanted us to be normal. Or what I thought had been normal. Maybe I somehow knew and that’s why I was drawn to Jesse?

  No. I needed Jeremiah and I promised myself that after he told me the truth, the whole truth, I would have him. If it was going to be the last time I was going to see him, be with him, be near him, then I was going to do the one thing that I hadn't done. I was going to give myself to him. I was no longer going to be a virgin. I wanted us to be together- fully together. I needed to give him a piece of me, something he’d never forget. I wanted to lose my virginity to him. Even before knowing Jeremiah was moving I wanted him to be my first but I didn't know that my days with him were numbered.

  Jeremiah was always very patient with me. He knew that I wasn't very experienced back then. And by that I mean, I wasn't experienced at all. J was the player, the one that got around, and I, although it might not have seemed like it, hadn't even kissed a boy before him. I remember his face being completely dumbfounded when I had told him I was a virgin, he thought I was lying, playing a joke. It still makes me laugh. He had promised me that he wasn't going to pressure me to do anything I wasn't ready for and he really didn't. But in that moment, there I was, being pressured by time, to do something that I might not have been ready for.

  "What are you thinking about?" I jumped at the sound of Lily's voice shaking me from the thoughts of losing my virginity. She sat down at the table and handed me my sub for lunch. "Thanks," I said smiling at her and trying to avoid the conversation I desperately didn't want to have. "What are you thinking about?" She repeated, giving me a sly smile. Lily knew me too well and knew I had something to hide. I cupped my face in my hands and with a muffled voice I admitted my inner thoughts, "Thinking about sleeping with Jeremiah."

  A few minutes of silence passed and I peeked through my parted fingers to see her smiling an all knowing smile and I instantly felt more comfortable. I lowered my hands and began picking at my food waiting for her to respond.

  "Do it, if you want to do it. I mean, who knows, if he is leaving you never know when you'll get the chance to do it right?" She shrugged her shoulders and continued eating as if what she had said wasn't a big deal. "I mean Chris and I did it already." She glanced up at me, food still in her mouth as I spat out my drink. "What!" My surprise couldn't have been masked for the life of me. Lily started laughing and moved her food out of the way from the iced tea that was now splattered all over the table.

  "Yeah, Chris and I had sex last night," she leaned in and whispered, " It wasn't that bad. It hurt at first, like stung actually but it was actually pretty amazing. He was so romantic about it. I was going to tell you earlier but with everything going on with Jeremiah I decided to wait. But now that you want to, too, I just had to spill." I felt my eyes bulging out of my head. My best friend lost her virginity the same night that my step dad put his hands on me, the same night Jeremiah told me he loved me, all of it was too much. My mind raced with all of the events that had happened last night. It’s funny how we can all live the same day so differently. Lily giggled and waited for me to answer but my mind stopped cooperating with my mouth and I sat there staring at her for what felt like an eternity. My mind couldn't catch up to all the information that was being thrown at it. I needed time to think. I needed time to process everything that was happening at once.

  "You have to tell me everything, but not righ
t now. Right now I need to focus on talking to Jeremiah and finding out where we stand and then I will make a decision on if and when I want to sleep with him or not." I had finally answered her just as lunch was ending. For the rest of the day my mind was running through all the new information. I not only had the conversation with Jeremiah to think about but I had sex on my mind too. Everything that Lily said played through my mind on repeat for the rest of that day. If you want to do it then do it. It wasn't that bad. It was actually pretty amazing. You never know when you're going to see him again.

  As the last period ended, my emotions were running high. My stomach was in knots and the butterflies were felt throughout my whole body. The lump in my throat grew larger as I made my way to the parking lot and with every painful step I took, my heartbeat grew louder and louder. As I approached Lily's car, I saw J in the distance. There he was. My perfect man.

  Jeremiah was leaning against the car looking down at his phone and I could suddenly feel the giant pit in my stomach like a thousand pound weight. As if sensing I was there he looked up at me and smiled.

  "Are you ready? Lily said we could use her car since she drove. She's going to catch a ride with Chris," J said more like a demand rather than a question and opened the passenger side door, waiting for me to get inside. I slid in and placed my books on the floor, anxious and terrified for what was going to come. I watched his every move as he made his way around the car. My thumbs were twiddling between each other anxiously awaiting the answers to the questions I needed to know. When he hopped into the car I couldn't take it anymore and before I could even stop the words, they were toppling out of my mouth. "Are we over?"

  Chapter 12

  My heart raced waiting for the words to come out of his mouth, going a million miles a second. Time stood still, everything around me started spinning. My chest was tight, all the air was sucked out of me as I waited patiently for him to answer.

  "Are we over?" I asked again, the words were frantic. The shock on his face was obvious and the lump in my throat grew with the silence. It felt like an eternity had passed before he answered. "No! Of course we’re not over!" J practically shouted, "Do you want us to be over?" The tears in his eyes started to form and all of the strength that I had held onto disappeared with the crack of his voice. I let out a breath that I didn't know I was holding and my shoulders relaxed knowing that he had still wanted me.

  "Can we go somewhere and talk please?" Jeremiah begged and all I could give him was a simple nod. "Okay. Good. Great,” he let out a breath, “Are you hungry? Want to go to Ray's?" I smiled at him and watched out the window in silence as we made our way to my favorite place. The thoughts in my mind were running rampant, hitting my skull like wrecking balls trying to get out. My anxiety grew in the fifteen minute drive but my heart still fluttered at the thought that this boy, this gorgeous green eyed hunk, was still mine. He still wanted to be mine.

  When we made it to the diner, sat down and ordered our drinks, my fidgeting hands gave away the calm that I was trying to portray and Jeremiah grabbed them in his to calm my nerves. I looked up at his stunning face and was met with nervous eyes and a concerned brow. I gave him a slight smile to show him I was fine but I was anything from fine. I couldn't take the silence anymore and the questions started spewing from me. "What happened that you got kicked out? When are you leaving? How are we going to make this work? We won't be able to see each other if you're in Florida and I'm here! Are we even going to have sex or anything?" The last question flew out of my mouth before I could stop it. My eyes went wide, my lips curled between my teeth and I waited. Jeremiah smiled at me and started to laugh which only made me boil in anger. "Stop it!" I smacked his arm in an attempt to get him to be serious, to answer my questions but it only fueled his laughter.

  My favorite waitress, Barb, came over and we placed our usual orders, giving Jeremiah time to catch his breath before answering my questions. He looked down at the table, took a deep breath and began on a sigh, "I was being stupid. I've always been stupid, but this time my mom had enough. I had a party at the house with some of the boys and we trashed the entire house. The cops came, I was arrested for underage drinking and there were drugs at the house so my mom could have gotten into a lot of trouble." He took a drink of water before continuing, "Luckily, because my mom knows a lot of the cops -since she works in the courthouse- they only gave me a slap on the wrist and told her she had to do something. So this is her doing something. Sending me away to go live with my grandma." My mind started to spin. When did he have a party? Drugs? Cops? What the hell is going on? This sounds nothing like the Jeremiah that I know. I knew he had a past but I didn't know that it was like this and I sure as hell didn't know that it was still happening.

  As if reading my mind J began to answer all of my unshed questions. "I used to party all the time and use any drug I could get my hands on but when I met Chris, I started to simmer down. He helped me realize that I didn't need any of that shit, and then when he introduced me to you..” J looked up at me and smiled, “I didn't want to get into trouble and ruin anything between us. But then I fucked up." His head flew into his hands and his deep sigh filled the diner. "We were barely talking the two weeks before school and at the time I didn't understand why, I thought you were losing interest in me so I wanted to do something to get my mind off of it, off of you. So, I invited people from my past to come to the party and one thing lead to another..." My heart sank at his words. Was this my fault?

  "What do you mean one thing led to another? Did you cheat on me?" The pain in my voice broke through the air and all attempts to hide my tears were lost. "No! No! I couldn't and wouldn't do that!" I sighed in relief and wiped the tears. "I just started drinking and I smoked some pot and I went outside to escape everything. But when I got back, the house was trashed and the cops were at my door. My mom said she had enough and that my grandma could deal with me from now on. That she could hopefully whip me in shape. I'm moving on Saturday." The last part was whispered. J’s eyes fell to the table again, waiting for my response to the heartbreak.

  "Saturday? Like this Saturday?" Of course it's this Saturday but I needed him to confirm. I needed to hear the words from him. That's two days away!

  "Yes, this Saturday. I wanted to spend as much time with you as I could. We can still call each other and text everyday. Florida is not that far and maybe if the flights are cheap I can come visit or you can. You've lived there before right? You can come back and see it again. And this is our senior year, who knows maybe I'll come back up here for college or you'll come down. Maybe we can both find a college in a different state to go to together," he rambled breathlessly, only stopping when the food arrived. I smiled at his words, he wanted us to work, someway or another, he was trying to come up with a plan for us to work and that was all it took for me. That was all I had needed.

  When we finally finished our food I spoke, "We can try to make it work. I want to make it work." The hope in his eyes sparkled and all the anxiety escaped me. Jeremiah grabbed my hands and guided me to the car after he paid the bill. As we got in the car he looked over at me and smirked.

  "What?" I said grinning back at him confused, wondering what he was thinking. He grabbed my hand, brought them to his lips and kissed my knuckles. "Now about this whole sex thing...." my smile fell and my stomach hit my feet. I had completely forgotten that I had mentioned having sex with him and the thought of it now terrified me. The air changed from light and sweet to heavy and thick. I felt my heart pounding out of my chest and I think Jeremiah could hear it too. "I don't want to rush you into anything. I love you, Freya. As scary as that is for me, I love you. I don't want to mess that up by rushing you into sex just because I'm leaving in a few days. If you want to wait then we will wait, please don't try to do this just because you're scared we never will."

  His words cut through me like a knife to my tender skin and in that moment I loved him more than I could have ever imagined. My smile grew and the heavy air began to li
ghten. I leaned over the middle console and planted a tender kiss on his lips, pulling back slightly, just to look into his pools of greens. J smiled tenderly, placing his hand on my cheek. It warmed me and I smiled, leaning in to kiss him again and again. With each kiss the tenderness was replaced by warmth and passion and before I knew it J’s hands were gripping my hair and our breathing was becoming heavy. Turning from slow breaths to fratic pants.

  I had carefully climbed my way over the middle and onto his lap being careful not to break our kiss. With one hand gripping my hair at the base of my neck, his other lifted and was placed on my hip. My hands clung to his hair tugging, bringing him closer to me with each kiss. Every time I kissed Jeremiah it was like heaven. My body reacted to him in a way that I couldn't describe. I yearned for his touch, ached for his lips to touch mine and our tongues to graze each other, but there, in the car, it was different. In the car, after his words, it was like a moth to a flame. My body needed him. Wanted him. Had to be near him. With each kiss, each touch, each tug of the hair I ached for more.

  "Are you sure?" Jeremiah panted, as my hands moved to the fly of his jeans. I nodded, staring into his eyes, a little ring of gold surrounded his dilated pupil making his greens look hazel. I closed my eyes listening to the slight noise of the zipper opening. He smiled, pulled my head in closer until our foreheads were touching and placed a single kiss on my nose. I smiled at him through my lashes. My lips touched his soft ones and I couldn’t help it.

  My once calm demeanor had been taken over by my fumbling lips and shaking fingers. Ripping his shirt off his head and reaching for mine, I pulled back for a minute to examine the man in front of me. The man that I had loved. The man that I was going to lose my virginity to. His chiseled body glistened in a light layer of sweat and I could see his chest rising and falling with his frantic breathing.