Where the Heart Lies

by Amanda Ray

  It's a long while before Lauren, the group leader, speaks up, "What does your heart say?" I look over at her dumbfounded. My eyes wide and my mouth ajar. What the hell does she mean, what does my heart say? If I damn well knew that I wouldn't be asking for help! I just told her that I don’t know if my heart would tell me the truth! My life has been too fucked up! I've fallen for too many wrong guys. My heart has lied to me too many times!

  Before I can muster up a comment back to her an alarm goes off in the distance. Our two hour group therapy session is over and I feel like I'm at more of a loss than I was when I walked in. Lauren dismisses us all and I shake my head in an attempt to clear my head. She's given me a lot to think about but she hasn't helped me with my question. I thought that if everyone knew the whole story, and knew my background, they could help me make a decision. Lauren grabbed my arm before I made my way toward the exit. I looked up at her with questioning eyes and she gave me a small smile, “Freya, I know that you’re afraid to trust yourself right now. To trust your heart to guide you to the right place, but I need you to hear me when I say, you survived the abuse, the trauma, the heartache, the battle and the war….you’re going to survive your recovery too. You’re going to trust yourself again and I promise you that when the right person comes around, you will not have any hesitation or second guessing.” She smiled again before turning to leave me standing frozen by her words.

  Chapter 33

  After a few minutes I shook my head and cleared my head remembering that I told Jeremiah we would meet for lunch today after my session at a local diner before picking up the kids from their play date. How in the hell am I going to approach him now? What the hell am I going to tell him? He wants an answer and I've dragged this out for far too long, he needs to leave in a few weeks for his new job and I need to suck it up and give him an answer. With another deep sigh I start walking the few blocks toward the diner with my head held low. Maybe when I see him I'll have an instant answer? He's not Jesse, my subconscious yelled at me and I swallowed sharply, no, but I gave Jesse up so maybe I’m meant to be with Jeremiah. Jeremiah is good. He’s smart and sweet and my freaking high school sweetheart! Who can say that they reunited with their high school sweetheart! This is a once in a lifetime chance. He's good to me and he's good to Ava. My answer should be clear. My answer should be yes. No hesitation, I should say absolutely yes, I’ll move and we will be together. So then why haven't I told him yes, yet?

  ◆◆◆

  Walking down the busy street to the small diner I had planned to meet Jeremiah at so many memories began to fill my mind. Racing at the speed of light, one after the other hit me. The first time he called me babe when we were kids. The day I went down on him in Lily’s bathroom. Our first kiss and my birthday. I closed my eyes trying to hold back the happy tears from falling. It wasn’t just him in my memories of us. It was Lily. Her house. Her mom. Jesse. I shook my head, clearing it. No. Stop thinking about Jesse. Stop letting your mind go there!

  I exhaled and focused on Jeremiah. Sweet, loving, hot as hell, Jeremiah. I thought about the night he showed up when I was out to eat with Chris and how we started talking, getting to know each other again. All the questions we had asked and the way we just drifted to each other. Like no time had passed.

  I thought about the way my eyes had widened when he said his wife had cheated on him, leaving the kids and him for her new beau. How my heart skipped a beat when he told me his daughter's middle name was Freya. But most of all I focused on the look in his eyes-love I think, yearning maybe?- when I told him my daughter's full name.

  Ava Ray Rodriquez.

  Ava for short-after my mom. The recognition in his brain from that night long ago outside in his car when he told me what he wanted to name our kids sparked fiercely in his eyes and I knew, that he knew right then, that he was always with me. Even when he wasn’t.

  I stopped walking. Clenching my eyes shut, I tried to hold back a sob. Jeremiah. Even when I was so consumed with Jesse, Jeremiah was always a piece of me. A part of my heart. My soul. He was always there in the back of my mind and when I found out I was having a girl I knew instantly that I wanted to name her after my mom. Jeremiah had picked the name Ava because he knew how much I loved my mom and after she died her name was all I had left.

  But I struggled fiercely with her middle name. I wanted to pay tribute to Lily. I wanted to give my daughter a little piece of my best friend. Someone who would have loved her beyond words. The night I gave birth to my daughter-my light, my saving grace-she showed me what love was again. She showed me that my heart was still beating.

  So when the nurse had come in and asked me what I chose for her name it wasn't hard. It just clicked. The memory of Jeremiah and I sitting in the car and talking about kids had flooded back to me and I knew it was perfect. Not only because Jeremiah said it but because it was the name of the people, the memories that I loved so much. The diner that Lily and I loved and shared so many memories. Our legacy. Our memories. Our story was all tied to that diner and that name and when I had my little girl, I was able to give her a little piece of that.

  Ava, after my mom. And Ray for Lily, for me, for our memories. Despite all the heartache, trauma and chaos that had happened in my life before her, I knew that her name. That name. Would be filled with nothing but love, not only when I looked down at my daughter but when I called her name. I knew that for the rest of her life I’d say her name and my heart would fill with warmth for more than one reason.

  Who knew that such a small gift could be the biggest blessing? Before her it felt like I was living in the darkness all my life and then BAM, the brightest star in the universe popped into my hands and my world turned upside down. For me, she was the reason to leave. The reason to escape my abuse. To say, no more. The reason to keep going. And for that I’ll be entirely grateful to my little girl.

  I'll never regret having Ava. Focusing on the past will get you nowhere. The moment she came into my life I had to force all of that fear, all of that sadness, anger, sickness, down deep and focus on what was ahead. I focused on giving her a life I never had, a love I've never felt. Making sure she never had to feel the way I felt. So when Jeremiah sort of stepped into the role of helping me raise her these past few months, it threw me for a loop. It's been nice having someone around. Someone to help me when I'm stressed. To dote on me and make sure we're both taken care of. I’ve never had that and after three years of raising her by myself I don’t know if I want to go back. If I want to leave Jeremiah. I smile at the thought of us raising the kids together.

  I had felt so lonely in the beginning. I went through my pregnancy, birth, everything, every step by myself. No support system. No family. No friends. I cried myself to sleep on more than one occasion and screamed my head off on others-which ended up with me crying because I felt horrible for screaming. It hurt, I won't deny that. But I did the right thing, I have no doubt about that. Leaving Kennedy was the best decision I ever made. But did you do the right thing about leaving Jesse? I shake my head to rid it of the thoughts. Trying to focus back on good memories. Memories of Jeremiah.

  The night we first slept together a few weeks ago. The memory invades my mind as I remember how gentle he was. The way his hands trembled a little when he took off my dress. We had gone out to dinner to some fancy italian place while the kids stayed with uncle Chris. We had some wine, reminisced about the past- at which point Jeremiah even admitted to being a jackass for cheating on me and begged me to forgive him, now years later.

  After dinner he had driven us back to his two story home just outside the city. The minute we stepped inside it was like everything shifted. His eyes filled with lust as he looked me up and down. Taking in every inch of skin that was showing. He bit his lip before slowly walking toward me. He cupped my face lightly, before feathering a kiss on my lips. Jeremiah's mouth stayed glued to mine in soft, tender kisses while his hands traced mercifully down to the zipper of my dress.

  My dress fell in a poo
l at my feet after he unzipped it. Jeremiah took a step back to soak me in, really soak me in. He bit his fist and shook his head, cursing under his breath. He guided me upstairs and to his bed, our lips attached every step of the way as I fumbled to take off his buttoned down shirt and unfasten his belt. The back of my knees hit the bed and we fell back, our lips never leaving each other’s. The kiss was light, tender and filled with love. As if we weren't sure that it was real. It had been a long time coming and we needed to take our time. Needed to soak each other in, completely.

  Jeremiah peppered kisses down my neck, to my collar bone, past my breasts and just as I thought he was going to graze my pebbled nipples he pulled away. He took my bra and panties off slowly, watching me the entire time. When he eased inside of me, my eyes slammed shut and I craved for him to go faster. Be rougher. But it never came. He took me slowly, painfully slowly. Wanting to feel every inch inside of me, cherish every movement.

  When my orgasm finally came it was like the earth had shattered. My body trembled for so long I never noticed when Jeremiah came, it was only when he eased out of me slowly that I knew. He disposed of the condom, got back in bed and wrapped me in his embrace. Leaving kisses all over my shoulders, spine and neck. I had never made love before, slow, gentle, passionate love. But, if that was it, it was beautiful. However, there was a constant voice in the back of my head that kept saying, But is that really enough? That's not what you really want. That's not how you want to be satisfied.

  Biting my lip I shake my head again. That damn voice! Go away! I close my eyes briefly, taking in a deep breath but as I do it's like I feel his hands on me. Rough and controlled. Owning me. Taking me. Just the right amount of pressure to tell me who's in control but not enough to scare me, to make me pull away. I bite my lip harder. Get out of my head! I opened my eyes, looking around at all the passersby. Tingles crawl up my spine and I continue walking to meet Jeremiah.

  Jeremiah is the one that I want.

  Jeremiah is the one that's good for us.

  Then why do you keep thinking about Jesse? My subconscious yells at me. And she’s right. Why do I keep thinking about Jesse all of a sudden? He’s always on my mind. Every day he’ll pop into my head, but it’s always been something that I could control. Something that I could push aside. But today’s different. Today he won’t go away.

  I can see the diner in front of me and I try to focus. I touch my lips, thinking about the kiss Jeremiah gave to me this morning. Rushed but tender and loving. It was a simple peck, but it showed how much he cared. I could feel his emotions through that slight touch of our lips. I stand outside the door, peeking a glance inside but before I enter I take a deep breath and try to clear my mind. Just tell him.

  Chapter 34

  I finally make my way inside after my attempt at composing myself, looking around for a table when my insides start to flutter. Butterflies swarm in my stomach and the hairs on the back of my neck stand up. What the heck? I look around more carefully, looking for Jeremiah. Is he here? Maybe that's why my body is reacting this way? It knows he's close and is excited to see him. To tell him I've made a decision. But I see no one familiar.

  My eyebrows pinch as I raise my hand to push down the hairs at my nape. Well that was weird. I shake off the feeling before making my way to a small table by the window. A waitress comes by for my order and I give her mine and Jeremiah’s without hesitation. We’ve been here before and I’ve been craving something sweet to calm my nerves. Having my back to the door, so I can people watch out the window, I get startled a minute later when someone’s lips kiss my cheek. Jeremiah.

  "Sorry, baby. You okay?" His voice is laced with concern but I shake my head, laughing lightly and letting out a breath, "You just startled me is all." Jeremiah smiles and kisses my cheek one more time before taking the seat in front of me, "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to. I just couldn't resist kissing you." I chuckle again. We talk about group and work, him more so than me, while waiting for our food. Whenever he asks about my therapy sessions I tend to give him the vaguest answers. I always feel closed off a bit after a session, talking and opening up about everything for hours and then being asked to do it again is just something I don't feel like rehashing. And I’d be lying if I said that Jeremiah knows everything about my past. Just like in my therapy group I’ll omit some of the truth because I don’t want to deal with the backlash. Or do you just not want to admit that you made a mistake? My chest tightens at the thought.

  When the waitress brings over our order Jeremiah looks down grinning. "What?" my eyebrows quirk up. He shakes his head laughing, "Nothing. You'd think after all this time I would be used to your appetite." I look down at the food on the table. A hot chocolate, pumpkin donut, blueberry muffin, lemon cake, French fries and a glass of water for me. A lonesome black coffee for him. I laugh popping a French fry in my mouth when Jeremiah tells me he's running to the restroom. I nod my head accepting another kiss on the cheek before focusing on the people outside the window. In their own worlds. They look so peaceful-well, for the most part, it's so rare to look around and see someone smiling. They're going about their everyday lives and I wonder what they're doing. What goes on in their world? You never know what someone is hiding. What goes on behind closed doors. I'm prime example number one, so it always makes me wonder what people are dealing with when I people- watch.

  Are they loved? Do they have someone in their lives? Have they ever had a kiss that they felt in their toes? Are they happy? I mindlessly nod along to the song playing over the speakers as my mind wanders with thoughts. I smile when I recognize it’s Selena Gomez's Look At Her Now. I've come so far. I've been through so much and I did it all on my own. Mostly. I always thought- always waited-for someone to save me. My knight in shining armor. My prince.

  I thought that if someone, a guy-the perfect guy-would just come along, he would take me away from all the bullshit. He'd take care of me, show me what love really felt like. But when my mom died, when Lily died, when Kennedy and Ava happened, parts of me died too but I also realized how strong I was. I realized that I was too strong to wait. Too strong to put all of that on someone else. I wasn't a damsel. I was the goddamn knight in shining armor. I was the hero. I was the savior. I wasn't going to wait for someone to save me anymore, I was going to save myself. And I did.

  It wasn't until Jeremiah came back into my life that I started feeling like it was okay for someone to take care of me. Someone to help me. For me to let my guard down a little. For me to let someone in. Let someone else take over for a bit while I relaxed. I wasn’t that giant coward I was before. I knew that I could face anything. I didn't have to wait for the next war, the next fight, the next shoe to drop. I just had to live. He helped me feel safe again. He wasn’t my knight in shining armor but he was my sidekick. The one who helped talk me up when I had doubts. The one who stood by my side when I had a bad day. He was my partner when I desperately needed one.

  As soon as those thoughts came into my head he was back in the seat in front of me, "What are you smiling at, babe?" I shook my head looking at the table and then meeting his eyes. "Nothing. Just thinking."

  "Anything you want to share?" I chuckled at his question. He's been waiting so long for me to give him an answer about if Ava and I are moving with him. The song changed to Calum Scott’s You a are the reason and my grin took up half of my face. All day I’ve been torn. Hell, since the moment he asked me to move I’ve been torn. I’ve never relied on someone before. Even when I was younger, I felt like I always had to take care of myself. I had to take care of my mom. And then when everything happened and I moved in with Lily and Deb, I felt like I had to be strong. Stronger than before because I had to prove that I didn’t need help. That I didn’t need someone to protect me, to take care of me. That I could do it on my own. And even then, Lily and Jesse stood behind closed doors taking care of me when I didn’t want them to.

  When Lily died, I didn’t realize at the time how much I needed someone. How much I needed
to rely on someone and when Jesse had stepped up -or wanted to- it scared the shit out of me. I wasn’t ready. I didn’t know how. But after going through what I went through. After growing up -at least a little bit. I was ready to have a partner. Ready to share my life with someone. Ready to explore my feelings and done being afraid of living anymore. I don’t want to make a mistake, especially with Ava being involved, but if I dont try. If I don’t put myself out there, than what am I teaching her?

  I was about to open my mouth to give Jeremiah an answer when his eyes went wide. His eyes focused on something behind me. Or rather, someone. I lift my hand to wave it in front of his face, "Jere? You O-" I'm cut off by a familiar voice.

  "Hi, flower." My heart stops. My body stills. My hand is still hovering in the air in front of Jeremiah’s face. I can't breath. I can’t think. My eyes go as wide as saucers and I slowly, hesitantly turn around in my chair to face the smooth, familiar voice. An unwelcome whimper leaves my lips when my eyes land on him.